The Five Relationships You Need In Your Life with special guest Alli Patterson

Hey there, mama. You know, sometimes it's just hard for moms to have relationships. Like, I get it. You get it. We're. Sometimes we're, like, sequestered in our homes or we're so busy with everything going on, and the last thing we want to do is invite someone into our life or our home and just be real and raw and vulnerable. And by the way, who has the time? So I'm really excited about today's message, what we're going to be talking about here on the Crazy Bless podcast, because you really can't be blessed like crazy unless you share life with other people. And I am talking with Ali Patterson today. She has a book out called Blueprint for Belonging. She talks about the relationships we need, like, not just desire, and they're great, but the ones we need to really function well in our life. And I want you to check yourself today. Do you have these relationships? If not, I bet it's going to be easier than you think. Ally, thank you so much for hanging out with me today.

Thank you for having me. I love all things moms. And I also. Probably my favorite thing about doing podcasts is just meeting new people. So it's a. It's just a pleasure to be with you. So thanks for inviting me.

Absolutely. You know, when this came out, you're talking about the relationships that Jesus needed.

Yeah.

And why we need them, too. Like, there's five different relationships that Jesus had were essential in this life. It honestly kind of makes me nervous because it's hard for moms and even grandmothers like me and entrepreneurs and business owners or ministry leaders, like, the people who are watching or listening to this podcast, who want to live an abundant life, but it's just sometimes hard to really foster those relationships. So what do you think? Like, I just want to talk. First of all, why this book now? Because, you know, I just know for me personally, I see isolation more now than ever before as we're connected, so. But what led you to writing about these relationships?

Well, it's interesting, I think, why this book now is. It's kind of a confluence of what God was showing me as I was reading the Gospels. And I'll come back to that in just a second. And a lot of times it's a clue for me, but I don't realize it until later. And so I was picking up on something in the life of Jesus as I was reading the Gospels. But I think culturally, we are in a moment where loneliness and our tendencies to isolate and build relationships in ways that aren't working for us. Exactly. In all of our digital spaces. And things that are a blessing a lot of times, in many ways, I think, are actually detracting from some of the thriving and the life that we're supposed to be deriving from our relationships. And so loneliness and all the effects of loneliness are becoming more and more and more apparent.

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All the effects of loneliness are becoming more and more and more apparent in. In our culture, in our own lives, in the world around us. I just think it's. If we take the time to ask ourselves, what would loneliness look like? I think we're living in it and. And weirdly, at a time where we're supposed to be super connected. So I think the book hits a moment in our culture where we have forgotten, what is this supposed to look like? And that's why, really, the idea of a blueprint kept coming back to me, Because a blueprint isn't. Is a design. It's getting back to understanding that there was a way we were built, there was a design for us relationally, and we have to, like, remember that again. And so as I was reading the Gospels, I started picking up on. Before I had any of those thoughts, I just started picking up on all these things in the life of Jesus where I was going, wait, that's not the same kind of relationship as this person. But he. He's loving them, he's spending time with them, and that's different than these people. And so I kept. I just started writing down notes about every relationship in the life of Jesus, and they fell into different categories at the end of the day. And so I started to mess with this idea that Jesus had these five different kinds of relationships. And the reason I think. I guess I think that's a blueprint for us is because Jesus is the only person that has ever perfectly lived God's design for human life. So when I pick up on stuff like that, I. My radar goes right up because I'm thinking, oh, how he lived. I need to pay attention to that because it. It's part of God's design for me.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, absolutely. Because as he is, so are we in this world. So.

Right.

Look at what he does. And I'm going to let my dog in my office, so. Hold on one second. You can come on. In real life, sister. Yeah.

Usually my cat, my very bratty calico cat is sitting on a perch right beside me, but.

Oh, that's great. Well, my very big golden doodle loves to come up here and, like, hang with me all the time. So this is funny because I want to keep all of this in the podcast because this is the relationship I like. Me and my dog, isolated. I love it.

And my.

In my downstairs office. Yeah, like, that's. I see that more on social media and with the people that I, you know, that I know and, and my friends and my family. It's like, can I. Can it just be me and my dog? I have a shirt that is. Today I'm just hanging out with my dog, so please leave me alone. Like, that's, that's. And I know that sounds horrible sometimes.

No, it really doesn't. Because I never in a million years would have thought I would write this book. I think in many ways it was God teaching me and reteaching me as I was writing it, because I am not. I'm more like you just described. Like, I'll just be in my home office with my cat, you know, and I. I have my favorite couple relationships and I've known them forever, and they're good and safe for me, and that's good enough. You know, I think that's most people.

Honestly, like, most people who are watching or listening are like five relations. I don't even want, like, one extra relationship. I just want to be alone and. And there's comfort there. But there's also what you said. It's a type of, like, insidious loneliness that we don't realize is actually happening until we feel that tension and that, that.

Yeah, well, the loneliness, I think loneliness, the, the head scratcher about it is that it presents itself to all of us in different ways. And that's part of what I explored. I actually did a group with about 30 women where I just exposed some of the ideas behind the book and just talked to em about lives in it before I even wrote. And one of the most interesting things that I was listening to is that when we feel lonely, we don't even really recognize it a lot of times as loneliness, because it. Depending on what kinds of relationships you're missing, it washes over all of us differently. So, like, I have a fantastic husband. I'm not. I'm not lonely for that kind of core relationship in my life. But loneliness feels very different to me. I always talk about how I don't like the week after Christmas because everybody else is with their extended family, and I don't really have one that I spend a lot of time with. So I've found myself, like, hating the week after Christmas when really I'm lonely. So there's. In a different way. In a different way than somebody who doesn't have a best friend or doesn't ever go out of their house. You know, there's these different moments where we encounter a hole in that design, and it just takes a moment to stop and step back and go, oh, wait, this is. This is because part of that blueprint isn't there, or there's a hole in it, or it got fractured somewhere along the line. So the. I guess part of the blessing for me in this book is just stepping back and going, do I even have all these kinds of relationships in my life? You probably don't need any new ones. That's the good. That's the good news.

That is good news.

It's really just a matter of acknowledging God's design and looking through that design at your own life and going, okay, what's here?

And.

And how could I set myself up to love and be loved in. In better ways if I just recognize there's a design? And some of it you don't need to change at all. You're probably doing it fantastically, but maybe you have one, One hole that you never really even thought about, and you could shift a thing or two, and it may help bring life. And that's. That's totally what has been my journey with this as well. And I think. I think moms, we get. We. We do so much care for others, we do so many things in a day, a week, a season, that the very last thing that I think you'll feel, and that I certainly didn't want to, is to load moms down with, like, and now go out and do all these things to develop all your relationships. I don't think the book is going to read like that to you. I think it's going to go like, oh, these people are already in my Life. If I just recognize how Jesus dealt with them, it probably will bring even relief to me. Maybe it will release me of some obligation I feel. Maybe it will bring grace into my life in a new way. So there's all kinds of interesting insights about how Jesus interacted with all these different kinds of people.

Very beautiful. So let's talk about that, about Jesus's core relationships and why that was so significant. And then. Then. And then I would love to do that, because then what we can do is say, do I have this in my life?

Absolutely.

Let's go there. What were the most, like, just starting out. What.

What.

What were the most significant relationships?

Yeah, I think I'll just give you, like, a quick rundown of the five types that I see. And his core three were Peter, James, and John. You know, we have the most. The biggest record of those few years where he was in public ministry. He clearly knew most of his disciples, if not all of them, prior to those three years. And we have a lot of evidence that suggests that. And so his core three, Peter, James, and John. You know, you can repeatedly read through the Gospels, those three names, and they appear together over and over and over again. And one of the most interesting things about them is that he pulled them aside and gave them access to him in a way nobody else had. And if you think about your husband or your best friend or maybe your sister or brother.

So these are the kind of people that can open the door and give you a roll of toilet paper. Yes. Okay. All right. I just. I just needed clarity to put it in my mind.

And the thing that Jesus did to build these relationships and keep them strong is he. He proactively revealed himself. And so when I think about, like, my best friend, sometimes those relationships get strained when I don't take the time to reveal my heart to them, when I don't bother to share what it is that I actually think or feel about something. And those relationships always suffer because the way you build them is you go in and you disclose who you are on purpose. You share it vulnerably on purpose. And that's exactly what we see Jesus doing with those. Only those three.

Yeah.

When you think about, like, I talk about the transfiguration in the book, this is like, the ultimate. But he had other instances of this as well. He literally let them see his divinity, but only those three. So it's interesting to think about, like, what's the piece of you that you do not reveal to others, but you could proactively reveal to, like, build the core relationships in your life. Because it always works. It always works. If you. If you proactively are vulnerable with people, they receive, like, love and trust and, you know, honor in that, and you end up building those relationships.

Right, Right. I. I think about for. For me, because I'm much more open and unfiltered than other people. Like, everyone always knows my business. Whatever.

That's why you're a good podcast.

Yeah, true. I mean. I mean, that's just how I'm wired. And so I think everyone, like, even inside our Malmaster University are like, wow, Hannah tells us everything. Like, they. They know me inside and out. I don't. I don't hide things. But I think for me, the closest people are the ones I take wisdom from. I take information. You know, Like, I think about my sisters. I think about, you know, just a couple of, like, really close friends, my husband. Just those people who, of course, know everything about me, because everyone knows everything about me but who I will allow to feed into me.

I love that you said that. Because it's literally the other thing that you see Jesus do. He allows them to serve him. He actually takes things from those three in a way that, again, you don't see him doing with others. And so it's. So it's just a fascinating. It's a fascinating way. Sometimes my husband and I will. He's in my core. If you're married, hopefully that's the case for all of us. But in that space, he doesn't. He likes to serve me, but he doesn't like to be served. And so sometimes I'll tell him, like, hey, if you won't let me help you, you're actually taking from me and us the chance to build intimacy, because that's what you do. You know, I had a best friend, my. One of my very best friends who's also in my core. She got very frustrated with me a few years ago because she said, you never tell me what you need. Why won't you tell me what you need?

Wow.

And that's. That's the core. Because they want to love you that way. They want to serve you. And. And in that case, funny enough, she's like, she's so wonderful for me because she has sisters, and I never had sisters. And I think a lot of. She's been, like, tutoring me on how to be a sister because she's like, that's what sisters do, you know, like, that's who we are to each other. You need to figure out how to be a sister. And I I literally don't have sisters, and so, wow. I just didn't know that I could show up on her doorstep and ask for her black dress to wear to an event the next day. She's like, why don't you do that? That's what I want. So it's great that you said that, because that's that give and take of a core. And when you. Again, when you keep that all to yourself or you won't share those things and your needs and what you can take from others as well as what you can give, you end up starving those relationships, because that's. That's how they thrive.

That's so funny, because I have three sisters. And maybe this is also a woman thing, because with my sisters, if I need something, I reach out to them. You know, they're. They're. You know, we're so tight. We talk every single day. And my husband is so not like that. Like, if anything comes up, if there's a need that comes up, I'm like, let's ask someone. Let's borrow this. Let's see if we. He's like, no, no, we'll take care of it, you know? And so I'm like, I don't understand. Like, just ask people.

I'm a little bit. I'm probably in the middle. My husband is like yours, but I'm not all the way toward you. I. It's almost like it doesn't occur to me that I can ask. It's not that I won't. It's just. It takes practice. I have to build that muscle.

And this is a perfect example. We were at a hotel for a wedding, and someone. His dad needed help tying a bow tie. I don't know how to tie bow tie. He didn't know how to tie bow tie. And so he was gonna go, like, download a video. We were walking in the hotel, and I was like, can you just let me do my thing? And he said, sure, but what is that thing? I said, just let me do my thing. Walked into the hotel. I went over to the desk, hey, do you know how to tie bow tie? I went over to the. Like, in the. There was an eating area. People sit around. Hey, you know, do you know how to tie bow tie? And they were all, like, laughing at the hotel lobby. Like, there's, like, five people. I think I might know. I don't know. I like, clip on. So now we're like, have this whole thing going in the lobby of the hotel. Total strangers love it. We're all talking about Time. Bow ties. And he's like, hannah, I. I just. I don't operate that way. It's like, okay, let me Download a video. YouTube. How. Tie. Bow tie. But it's just. I don't know. I love connection. And I've always been, I guess, the youngest of five. It's like, hey, there's. Everyone's got something. Let's just all, like, pull everything together.

You know, you're describing, like, what I talk about in the book is that we usually have some of these realms of relationship, these five different kinds that we are naturals at. And clearly you have, like, this deep, strong ability to build things close in the core. Like, you just know how to connect, you know, and it's interesting. It'll be interesting for you to see, like, as we talk, which of the other ones maybe don't come as naturally. Because I've had to learn. I've had to learn, and I've willingly learned, but I don't have great core muscles. Like, but I've been. I've learned. So it's like, I'm competent at it now. Like, I've gotten better over time. I'm. I'm like, okay, I need to be more vulnerable. I need to ask for stuff, like. And I'm willing. But it wasn't, like, my first instinct, you know, I'm better in some of the other. Some of the other realms. But you are describing, like, a real strength in that deeply in that. That core of the blueprint. And you're probably pretty strong, I would say. You seem like a really relational person, but some of us aren't that lucky.

You know, I have a good relationship with my dog, too. We hang out all the time.

But it is interesting as you go. One of the blessings I think of knowing that God had a design is at least you've got language where you can actually talk about it and you can. You can grow. I think, like, to me, the whole point of knowing that there's a blueprint for our relational world is not that you're going to have it perfect, it's that you know the direction to head. Like, so when you see a chance, it's sort of like, you know, we're. When you know how you really should eat or drink and you're not doing it perfectly, but every time you take a step in that direction, you're like, wow, okay, that I feel better, you know?

Yeah, it's a similar.

It's a similar idea. Like, God has designs for how he put human life together and how he put our bodies together and how he, you know, he, he made the world to function. And when we, when we just kind of move in his direction, it ends up bringing us life. And so to me that's like how I think about the blueprint is not to be like heavy or prescriptive or like go and do all these things. It's more when you see the chance to adjust your relationships so they look a little bit more like Jesus says, do it because it's going to bring you life, you know.

Awesome. I love that. So what's after those core relations?

Okay, so it goes core and then circle. Jesus's most obvious realm of relationship was his circle. And I call it the circle because that's what makes sense to me. And it was his 12 disciples. Interestingly, in social research, just that has nothing to do with anything faith based. It shows the human capacity for like basic close friendship. It caps out at about 15 people. And so it's very aligned to what we see in the life of Jesus. We see these three in the core and then we see him cap out with that three plus nine others. And that was his circle. And it really aligns with a lot of interesting sociological research that suggests that's about our capacity for closer relationships in our life. I don't have that many. And I think this is where being a mom comes into play heavily, is in this, this realm. And we can, we can totally talk about that because I think moms need to give themselves a bunch of grace here because raising children, especially at certain ages, they take up your circle like capacity.

Yeah, they, I mean, I have seven kids, so already, you know, we've already like, that's half right there.

The, the thing that really defines a circle, which is why kids kind of fit in this realm for us, is that you are doing things day in and day out, week in and week out. These are the people that your daily or weekly rhythms are wrapped around. There you know that there are people that you're going to hit the gym with, that you're going to go out with on Friday night, that you're going to take walks with, that you're going to mom your kids with, that you're texting all the time, like, these are your people, these are your friends. It's the most obvious realm, but it's also the hardest for moms because I think most of us used to have a more robust version of this. And as we have children, you could literally think about them taking up space in this realm of relationship because that's what you're doing with your kids.

Yeah.

You're shoulder to shoulder with them a lot, you know, and your weekly and daily rhythms are. Are dictated a lot by your children. And for many of us, very happily so.

Yeah.

But it. It does crowd out the room in our lives as moms to really think about other people in this space. I have struggled mightily in this realm. I almost always have a strong core. But circle friends are really tough for me. I have four kids right now. They're teenagers, so I'm. I'm regaining some time in my life because they don't, you know, I've got drivers and all that. And so. But so it's getting. It's like glimmers of hope that, oh, I can. I could maybe see a friend during the week, but that. That for a long time, unless they were truly built into something in my week, it just felt like a crushing obligation. Like, I just couldn't manage it. And I. I spent so many years feeling like a total failure as a friend with seven. Did you ever encounter that as well?

Like a failure, like, hourly or daily or let's specify. No, absolutely. Like, I. My kids joke with me because they're like, mom, you really just gave birth to us so you could have a lot of friends. Right? I'm like, yeah, well. Yeah. Like, what's the problem? Absolutely.

Well, it's funny you say that, because in scripture we see Jesus uphold friendship with God. With him.

Yeah.

As the ultimate version of your relationship.

Yeah.

You don't start there, just like you don't start there with your kids. And so hopefully the goal over time is that your kids would land in yourself.

Oh, my gosh. They're all like twins. So much fun together. Like.

Yeah. And. And Jesus really upholds that as the most mature version of our connection with God is friendship.

Yeah.

And. And that's so beautiful. But we. We go through a process to get there with God, and we do the same with our kids. And for a long time, it's just. It feels really hard for me to maintain circle friends. I know some women who are like, they can do all the things that at once, you know, they're. I can't.

Like, I will go home and we'll go to a store, hang out, we'll go to Starbucks. She knows someone everywhere she goes. And not just like, oh, hi. It's like, oh, my gosh, I saw that. Your kids, blah, blah, like, she knows them and they know her. And I'm like, I'm literally like, I'm jealous of you. She's got strong circle muscles like these, like, great friendships and. And you know them. And everywhere you go, like, you're surrounded. I love that.

So the type of loneliness that your sister experiences is probably never, like, circle, never, never. And I. In the. In the heart of the book, like, as we talk about each of the realms, the core circle comrades, which we'll talk about next. Really cool. For believers, community and crowds, each of them, loneliness feels a little different when it's missing. So your sister's kind of loneliness because she feels lonely. We all experience loneliness, but her kind probably never feels like circle lonely.

No, no. You know, no.

So. And that's so good. Like, and. And also, as I got a hold of, like, how do I uniquely experience loneliness? It also helps me to go to God in those spaces. When I feel it, I instantly recognize it now. And. And the wonderful thing that kind of the whole book pushes toward is when. When Jesus is in the center, he kind of holds this whole blueprint together.

Wow.

And he really is. And can fill in those cracks and spaces that human beings are always. You know, our relationships shift all the time.

Yeah.

And any season holds different cracks and different holes and. And what feels like it's going to be there forever. But when I learned to recognize them, like, I. I can go to Jesus a little quicker and go, hey, I'm feeling lonely in this space right now. Can you be with me or. I'll pray for people to come into my life in that particular way. And it's been a blessing to watch him answer some of those prayers. Because he wants relationships for you.

He wants them.

Yeah, because he designed you for them. So I think some of the most powerful answered prayers I've seen are with people that he has brought into my life and who've really, like, blessed me. You know my friend who tutors me on how to be a sister.

Yeah, exactly.

I need her. Like, she is an answer to prayer for me.

That is beautiful. That's. That's so good. I think this is so vital for mom. And I know that, like, I don't want. I don't want you to give away everything we need to get this book right.

Well, yes, I would love that. And I just really want moms to give themselves so much grace. I think you're gonna feel that in the book, too, right? Because I am. I am a mom who has struggled through building these relationships. So I hesitated to even write the book because I thought, well, I'm no relationship expert. I'm not like, some great example of all this But I think that' the grace of the book is you can. You can feel that.

Yeah.

And so I just talk to moms in one part, too, and I understand. And I've. I have cried all the tears of going, like, what happened to all my friends? I used to be a really good friend. I used to be fun, you know, all that fun.

You know, it's like that again to our kids. I used to be cool.

I used to be so cool. I used to be so fun. And. But I think I have found a lot of grace in just exploring the life of Jesus and going, okay, you did this great, and that means you're available to help me because I don't do all this great. And, and moms just. I love. I love, love talking to moms, because almost always where the conversation ends up is there's grace for you. We just all carry around so many expectations of ourselves because we want to love people so well. And what you see in the life of Jesus is maybe I don't have to do that with every single person I meet in exactly the same way and hold all of those expectations over my own head. Maybe there's a way this blueprint fits together that offers me some grace.

So, anyway, thank you so much. This has been such a powerful. Just, just time together. I think a lot of moms are going to be served so well through this time. And just to know that sometimes just showing up, we're doing okay, we can be enough. I think that's the biggest thing that we struggle with is, am I enough?

Oh, my gosh, yes. And we, we all want to know if we're enough. And Jesus, this command that he repeats in his life used to crush me. And after I really studied his relationships, I just felt so much better. He talks about loving your neighbor as yourself. And of course, there's a parable that we go into in the book that kind of defines the neighbor as almost everybody you meet. So how am I supposed to do that? And I just used to feel completely overwhelmed with the command to love others. And I think as I really watch how he does it with these five different kinds of people, I actually realized, oh, I could maybe do that. I can't love everybody like my best friend, but I can love everybody the way I see him love in these different places in his life. And so it just brought so much grace to me. And that's what I hope the book brings to everybody else.

So. Oh, I believe it will. So, guys, blueprint for Belonging. We've been hanging out with Ali Patterson and I do want to want to make sure that we stress one thing and this is a beautiful recipe for the relationships. When it comes down to life, to abundance, to our experience here, it really does come down to sharing it with other people. I think about it every time something wonderful happens, first thing you want to do is share it with someone. When a tragedy happens, first thing you want to do, share it with someone. So I think you've given us us a beautiful template on how to really experience life with other people. And I know when we do that, we are going to be blessed like crazy.

Yes.

Thank you so much. Ally. Where can people get more about you?

Yeah. Oh, I would love to connect with any of your listeners. You can find me online@thealipatterson.com that's the same pretty much everywhere. Website, Instagram, Facebook.

Cool.

Yeah. So Ali is a L L I that always trips people up. So the Ali Patterson come find me. I'd love to connect.

And of course we're going to supply all this link. So thank you so much for hanging out with us.

Thanks for having. Me.