The Holistic You with special guest Rabbi Daniel Lapin

You know, sometimes in life, it feels like you're working in all different areas. It feels like you're spinning place. You're trying to manage your money, you're trying to manage your family, especially for moms. You know, I feel like we're always doing that, and it doesn't feel really balanced at times. And maybe that's why you're here. Maybe that's why you're listening or watching today, because you want a more holistic way to live, a more organic way to really show. Showcase the goodness of God in all areas. So I'm super excited because I have one of my dear friends, Rabbi Daniel Lapen, today. And he and I go back, we've talked money, we've talked all the things. Today we're talking about how to make your life more successful. Thank you. Thank you so much for being here.

I've been looking forward to this.

Oh, you are such a joy. I saw your new book came out, the Holistic you, and I got so excited because I literally, all of these areas are what we focus on here at Crazy Blessed Ministries. Every single. I'm like that. It happened again. Me and Rabbi are God's. God's got our hearts beaten in tandem.

Now.

Why did you decide now at this time to write this book?

Well, I had done a lot of separate work. I had done several books on finance.

Yeah.

Because I felt that we were living in a time where people didn't understand that money was part of God's plan for human interaction. It's not as if wicked people suddenly invented this horrible thing called money while God's attention was distracted by some problem in the Middle East. That's not how it worked. So I felt I had to clarify the money thing. And then I had done some work on marriage and family. I did something called Madam, I'm Adam, which I pretended was how Adam greeted Eve when he first met her. When God presented her to him, I said, he probably said, madam, I'm Adam. And the fact that it's a palindrome and reads the same both ways speaks to the mutuality of marriage and a deeper understanding of that. And then, you know, and I'd obviously, you know, done stuff on. I'd done stuff on eating and the spiritual side of eating and why obesity and overeating are a spiritual problem. You know, I'd done all these things in separate works. But what I hadn't done was the essential core principle of ancient Jewish wisdom, which is the mutuality, the interdependence, the way these things actually all hang on one another. And it's obviously most evident in male female relationships where money is hugely important. And you know, it is. In spite of 60 years of gender egalitarianism and attempts at trying to erase the distinctions between male and female, the fact remains that although you might have thought that this year, half the marriages will be because a man got down on one knee and held out a ring and said, you know, please marry me and make me the happiest guy in California, and half the marriage would be because a woman got down on one knee and held out a Rolex watch to a guy and said, please accept this watch and make me the happiest girl in the universe. But that's not how it happens. And I discovered that the marriage planning companies and websites actually have a lot of data on this. About 1 to 2% of proposals, that's all, are women to men. And of those, very few reach marriage.

Wow.

So here we are. After 60 years of screeching on the part of the feminists, a woman still wants a man to propose to her and to give her a ring. And it can't be a ring out of a Cracker Jack box. It's got to be a ring that's worth a few dollars.

Absolutely. That is so important. I think, you know, my husband and I talk about this a lot about the. How a lot of the feminist movement has actually hurt femininity a great deal and robbed us of so much power that God has given us to operate in that beautiful role. Because we are, you know, a man and a woman, they're. They're different and they're deficient. They need each other for that completeness. And that stat you're sharing with me, for me, that totally makes sense. Because a woman always wants to feel safe. She can really come into her full power once she feels safe.

Yes.

And a man always wants to feel strong. He can step into his full power once he feels strong. And that role of him making that decision and him getting down on one knee and saying, I pledge this to you, it's just a beautiful depiction of Christ and the church. And we have it right there. Like, he lays down his life for the bride, for the church, and then the church operates in that beautiful service to him. And I think when we really hone in on that, it only makes us stronger as men and women stronger as partners.

No, I think that's right. And once I studied the very sad statistics on how short lived are marriages where the woman makes much more money than the man, I realized that Family and finance, marriage and money belong in the same book, not in two separate books, that this really, really does have to be understood. And that when a man stops providing, where a man. And because, after all, in the essential blueprint, man is a giver, woman is a receiver, which is pretty obvious from the fundamental aspect of the male, female relationship. And when he stops doing that, particularly in a financial sense, it's very common, very normal for women to feel resentful and to feel betrayed and to feel insecure.

And that is so amazing that you're sharing this. I mean, just to be totally raw and vulnerable. I just believe, like, through transparency, we can grow so much. And I'm always very real with my audience. And it was a hard. Personally, it was a really hard transition for me when I. My finances started to eclipse my husband's.

It's very hard.

It was really hard. And. And then he had to pull away to take care, you know, be. Provide more care for his parents. So now he's not. If you're looking at it as like a breadwinner, now it's. It's my business that's bringing money and he's not. And that was a hard transition for me to make because as a woman, you want to feel safe, you want to feel covered. And then what God showed me through that is how he was covering and providing for me so that I could do the ministry that God has put on my heart. And I had to do a lot of work around that, honestly. But when I understood that plan, that heat that my husband was providing in such a real sense for me to have the confidence and the security and the. And the. And the. In the place to land, then I was able to be more of a channel for what God wanted me to do in this world. But it was hard. Like, I, like, that shook me. It was like, oh, I don't know. Like, it was scary for a minute.

How long had you been married at the point your earnings out. Out. Rank.

We had been married about 20 years.

Okay.

When that. When that transition happened, and. And we've been. Well, it's probably more like 20, 25 years. We've been married about 34 years.

And imagine having how much more challenging that is if it happens in a couple who've been married for two years.

I don't know. I. I mean, I had. We had such a strong connection and great communication that we were able to say, hey, this is weird. This feels this way. And we were able to communicate all of that. Yeah, that's got to really Rock that. Because you're not that secure anyway.

Correct.

Wow, those are some baffling. Women are starting to make more money.

Yeah, no, it's not only that, but it's that men are being suppressed for the last 30 years. Toxic masculinity. And so women are out earning men. On average, the number of women in graduate school, the number of women at college, again, has surpassed that of men. And so now we are approached constantly. Yeah, when I say constantly, literally three times a week we hear from a woman and I can write the script already. I know what she's. I don't have to read the rest of the email, but she says, you know, my husband has just lost interest in working. He's not. He. He says that he wants the same things as me, but. But he doesn't even go out looking for a job. And I feel that the entire burden of the primary breadwinner is on me. I don't want to do that. I want to feel free to build a home. I want to feel free to start having children. And I feel like we get this again and again and again. And she said, you know, when we got married, it wasn't like this. He was on a trek, but he lost his job and he hasn't been looking for a new one. Guys get beaten down and women are very competent and women step into that role. And because of their training, largely at colleges, they feel guilty about feeling unhappy about the financial imbalance. And the first things we have to say is, relax. I'll tell you. Not only is it perfectly natural and perfectly normal for you to feel really uncomfortable about carrying the financial burden on your shoulders, but what you don't know is that he is suffering enormously in ways he doesn't even understand. And what's even worse is that it's very possible that psychiatrists are going to tell him that he's suffering from anxiety disorder or many, many other kinds of things, all that's really happening is he's being prevented from doing what he needs to do. And don't be surprised if this manifests itself also in terms of dysfunction. Dysfunction in the intimacy area. And they always. How did you know? How did you know? Well, because of this book is how I knew. Male, female relationships and money go hand in hand.

Man, that. You nailed it. Because that is so. I hear that, too. When there's that imbalance, women always crave a strong man. Yeah, we want to feel protected. We want to feel safe. And when a woman feels safe, the whole world opens up. She can be more Loving, she can be more receiving, she can be more giving, she can be more powerful. And I think our culture has done such a disservice for. By really emasculating men and making them feel like they're, you know, oh, it's anxiety disorder. It's. You have trauma from childhood. It's like we put whatever label on it, but they're not operating in the position that God has designed them to operate. And being that covering and being that protector and be it does it. And money can be almost the litmus test to say, is there an imbalance? But I believe that imbalance could already be there before the money shows up. You know what I mean?

It could be, yes. But I was coaching a client couple two weeks ago, and they were sitting there in front of me on the zoom, and I said they'd been married for eight years, and the husband is just taking a backseat financially. And this has been going on now for five years already. So it was three years into the marriage that this began to happen. And I said to them, I said, you know, one good thing is that as I'm looking at you, I'm really happy to see that. And I said to her that you're not showing any resentment towards your husband. And Hannah, her eyes sort of went like. She sort of looked. She looked down, she didn't say anything. And the guy piped up and said, rabbi, maybe you can't see it, but I see it every single day. I see the resentment in her eyes. And she then piped out and she said, but wait a second. I know I used to have it a few years ago, but the last couple of years, I've really been trying to make sure that I smile, that my voice doesn't show it, that my face doesn't show it. I really am trying to get rid of that. And I said to her, look, it's. Part of it is subjective. Any man in this situation will feel that you are resenting him, even if you're not. And the other part of it is very spiritual. You can do your best with your voice and your facial expressions, but the reality is your soul is radiating, creating resentment. And what's more, it's perfectly natural and perfectly normal that it does.

So it's almost like that she probably feels mournful, too, over a reality she thought she would have access to.

Well, she says. She said, she says, all I want to do is I want to have another baby, but I can't do that because I have difficult pregnancies. And. And if he's not carrying if, you know, if all the financial burden is on my shoulders, which it is right now, how can I possibly think of getting pregn.

Wow. And so of course resentment is going to creep up and then the enemy loves to use shame. So from that resentment is going to come shame that I feel resentment toward my husband.

Yeah, exactly.

Wow. So much is just. Is in when we're operating out of our design, you know.

Yeah, that's exactly it. When we're, when we're operating off the blueprint.

Right, right. In sin. When people talk about sin, they always think know, oh well, here's a list of sins. But sin is just missing God's design. That's all it is really.

That it is. Yes.

And, and that that sin of not being able to. To be in alignment with his design can cause not just like that subconscious resentment, but that starts to trickle into every single area. Which is why you know, the holistic. You like we got to look holistically at everything you're creating. It can set your, your kids off, you know, on a bad path when you hold that. And I really had to do work around that like I shared with you and understand how much he provides for me in a sense that you know, my emotional care, my physical care, my, my surrounding care for my surroundings. Making sure I. We talk sometimes we joke around about you. You have that toddler, remember? Like when you have a toddler and you're always kind of pushing things out of the way and making room safe for them so they can just like he's like, that's kind of what I my role for you. Like I want you to just be free and run crazy and do all your things and I'm there like making sure put out this fire and, and, and childproof this lock. You know.

That's right.

And so we had to like really put. Understand how God designed us to operate now in this chapter of our life. And it's been so joyful out of that. But again it goes back to being operate holistically communicating and understanding this, being aware of when that resentment, like she didn't even realize she thought she was doing well. That's. That's the big problem. You think you're doing well because you're not actually looking at the problem because you feel so much shame around the problem.

Correct. And you know, people sometimes say to me, well, what is family got to do with friendships? You know, it's. Our whole developmental system is based on what we call the five Fs. Finance, Family, Faith, friendship and Physical fitness and friendship, you know, just think about how problematic it is. And I'm sure you've seen this many times. You know, if my wife, if her friendship group is primarily, shall we say, half a dozen women, all of whom are divorced, I'm going to sit down with her and I'm going to say, this isn't any good. We have to restructure our friendship stuff. And, you know, if you don't like my friends, let's talk about that as well. But right now, being around women, only divorced women, is not helpful to you because on some subtle level, and I'm sure they're lovely people, but on some subtle level, their world is a little better if you get divorced also.

Absolutely.

And so you can't be around people who do not pray for the success of your marriage.

Yeah.

And you know, and similarly, I mean, if I was hanging around with guys who are unfaithful, she'd be absolutely right. Say, listen, those friends are not good friends for you.

Yeah.

And this is how we raise our children. Friends are really, really important. Even though nowhere. I mean, it's very rare in the Hebrew scriptures to find friends. You know, the book of Job has them. But you know, where David and Jonathan are not just are not described as friends. So it's really interesting that husband, wife, relationships are dealt with extensively. Hundreds of verses are devoted to financial relationships, people who buy and sell or rent and lease and so on and so forth. But friend relationships are not mentioned. And yet they are absolutely foundational. That's what saves Job's life at the end of the day. So who you hang out with and who your family befriends and, you know, who are the kids that sort of walk into your house and stay for supper? And what houses do your friends walk into? Somebody who is actively managing his life properly is looking at friendship just as much as he's looking at finance and at family.

You know, that is secretly one reason why I started Mom Master University, because I remember as a young mom for a mom, our friend circles are really created by default and not design. Yeah. You know, it's because we're so consumed with family and home. We don't. We're not going to these, like, meetings. We're not. We're not joining mentor groups. We're not joining masterminds. Right. Where we can design our friendship. Ours are like, who's our neighbors? Who. Who are the parents in the kids group? Who are. Who do we go to church with?

Yeah. And very organically.

Rabbi, I got so fed up with hearing women gripe and complain and moan and groan about their children, about their marriages, I'm like, I can't. I got to find some friends. Because you become like the people you hang around. This law of association. That's right. That's one reason why I started the university. So that moms, powerful moms, faith like filled moms who want to succeed in life can have a place where they can connect and be in each other's corner. And it has been so powerful. I remember this one woman, she wrote in, she had lost over 200 pounds inside our university. She said, what kept me going is every time I wanted to go through the drive through, every time I wanted to grab something sweet or grab that bag of potato chips needed in the car, I would reach out to other master moms and they'd be like, you're not going to do it. Not on my watch. You're going to get through today. And she's like, that's one of the main reasons why I was able to hit my goal. So you've got to be so careful and design your friend circles, not just fall into it by default, because you'll start questioning when you hear a bunch of women talking trash about their husbands, about their kids. It. My mom always said, guy, go garbage in, garbage out. So if you're, like, receiving all that garbage, you're gonna start developing a critical eye toward your own marriage. And you're. And I was like, I can't have this.

Yeah, no, very much so. And, and. And also in the financial area, it's. It's equally important because it's so easy to find yourself, particularly when you connect with friends from church and synagogue groups. And very, very often in those groups, you find people who've been infected by the mindset that poverty is virtuous and that somehow making money is a manifestation of greed and it's unworthy. And so basically, money is far from anything spiritual, and it has no connection whatsoever with God. And if you hang out with friends, it becomes a deeply implanted philosophy rooted in your soul. And then it becomes more than a philosophy. It becomes an internal spiritual schematic. And it's very hard to find anything more damaging to your ability to make money than the belief that doing so is unworthy.

Wow. Which is one reason, I think, that the enemy has so tried to destroy the concept of money as a blessing from God with. With believers. Because if we push money out of our lives subconsciously, we don't even know. We think, oh, it's unholy. To, to make millions of dollars. And so when we push money out of our lives, what we're doing is we're also not being able, we're not opening up to being a portal for blessing to pour out of us into the world. Think about what I always think, and I tell believers, what would money do in your hand? Sometimes when I'll be on a live, I'm like, if you had a million dollars today, what would you do with that, Rabbi? Feed the hungry, Build orphanages, Like, get the gospel out to the world, provide homes, like all of these things. I'm like, that's why we have been so like, really brainwashed about God's design for money. When we can get past that and realize God came up with money. He, he was the creator of that and it was the blessing at work. Now you're able to open up for more to pour into your lives. Like I tell people, money just makes you more of what you already are. If you're already a jerk, you're going to be a bigger jerk. If you're already a loving, kind, compassionate, giving person, you're. You'll be more of a loving, kind, compassion, giving person. Now when you get out of that thinking, and you're right, it's holistic, we got to be in the rooms where people have the right concept about money. Because if you stay with a broke crowd, you're going to be broke now even realize it.

I, I was speaking at a church in Indiana a few weeks back and I was talking with somebody and they said to me, somebody walked by and they pointed that person and they said, they just sold their business for $30 million. They are really rich. And then she added, like, after a pause of one beat, she said, and yet I have to tell you, they're very nice people. And I said, well, that's going to be the topic of my afternoon program for the church. Because what you're showing is a deep seated belief that only nasty, bad, venal, greedy people make money. That's what you believe. And that means that you are condemning yourself to eternal poverty. No decent person can succeed at anything that deep in their hearts they consider to be morally reprehensible, as you consider moral wealth to be morally reprehensible. You're not heading in that way anytime soon, Rabbi.

You are, you are dropping fire right now. That is so true. Oh my goodness. If you believe, if you still believe this about money, you'll never receive it. You'll never open up the doors. It's like God has inexhaustible wealth. We are told this over and over and over in the Bible, and we know he's a good father. Why would a good father ever hold back blessing for his children? Because he says he. He takes joy in the prosperity of a servant. So if he takes joy in the prosperity of a servant, and you're choosing to push that prosperity away with your mindset, a poverty mindset, it actually reduces the joy of our Father.

No, very much so. I mean, any. Any parents takes great joy and happiness in seeing their children serve one another and take care of one another. And our Father in heaven is. Is no different. Because making money is something that can only be achieved in two ways. One way is by walking into a convenience store with a.357 Magnum revolver and holding up the cloak. And you'll see they'll reach into their till, they'll give you money. So one way of doing this is with a gun. The other way of making money is to serve other people, to provide them with the things they need and the services they need in exchange for which they're happy to pay you. Those are the only two ways of making money. And so if you didn't make money by holding up the convenience store, the only other way you made it is by taking care of another one of God's creatures, because that is the only way they would reach into their pockets and give money to you. And so money is really the best definition of it. Evidence that you have served another one of God's children.

Wow. Well, everyone needs to, like, capture that right now. Money is evidence that you have served one of God's children. I love that. And with that definition, I think that's so empowering to be able to operate in the design that God has given us. And so this. We could talk about this all day. I just love this. I love talking with you about this. You are so wise.

Well, I love. I love what your ministry does, and I feel honored to be with you.

Oh, thank you, Rabbi. This is so important, guys. When you operate in your design, just like. Just like Rabbi's talking about, when you operate in your design, as a woman, as a man, in your marriage, with your money, that's that holistic blessing. And I love that. This is a rabbi. Thank you so much. And where can people go to get more about you? Like, I know when they hear what you've got to say, that's like, I've got to get more of Rabbi in my life. How can they find you?

The. My website is Rabbi Daniel Lapin.

Okay, wonderful. Guys make sure you check that out. And again, the holistic you. This is not just about living in balance. This about living out your design. I love this. Thank you so much for hanging out with me.

You are most welcome. And thanks for having me. It's great to see you again.