Right Your Ship: The Miracle of Resilience

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Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for joining us here at JLC. This is a JLC media broadcast. You can see this on YouTube channel, our JLC YouTube channel, or you can see it on Spotify or on regular podcast environments in the Apple framework and others. So please, please come see us, listen to us, and if you enjoy it, please let us know and subscribe to our podcast. My name is Ray Jorgensen, and today is the opening podcast about resilience. And the way we titled it among ourselves was the Miracle of Resilience. And I think today we're going to talk a little bit about that from about 30,000ft. Each of the podcasts that you'll hear about resilience will have a slightly different edge to it. One of the things in resilience is to make sure that the narrative that I'm telling myself about how I need to be resilient actually matches the issue that I'm facing. And so we'll be talking about positive events, negative events, and the fact that sometimes we don't even capitalize on positive events. We say, well, that's just good. Thank you. Everything's fine. That happened. That was good. I got what I wanted. There's actually real value in the area of resiliency to capitalize, grow, savor the events that were positive and make them move forward. With that said, I'm going to talk about how we design every podcast. When you listen to us, you'll hear it. A long time ago, I learned a very simple learning tool. What is it? What? So what? Why is it now? What? What shall we do? So here's my start. Before we get into the context of this particular piece, I'm going to ask each of my partners to introduce themselves. And then one of the things I like about this is this would be kind of fun. In their introduction, I'm going to give them a prompt and they're going to tell you a little bit about it. So if you were driving down the highway and you saw a billboard and you said, oh, my God, that's the billboard, I love this billboard. It's exactly what I wanted to say. What would the billboard say? Who'd like to start?

I will be kind. You can say, be kind. I think we're so hard on ourselves, hard on our kids, hard on each other, that I think it's a good reminder. It's so simple and yet many times difficult to do.

It's fantastic. In this world of building resilience and recognizing that it is an important capability for us to develop now, especially in the midst of COVID and all this other stuff that's going on, all the really upsetting events that are surrounding our world right now and certainly our country, the ability to be able to, they call it. It's a Latin phrase, leap back into the game. I want to leap back into the game. That's really the definition of resiliency from a Latin framework, and I think we forget about that sometimes. Vince, what would the billboard say?

So for me, the billboard might say something like, the best stake at the next essence in wherever you are, pick a stake. I've been really fascinated with quality food, just really, really good eating. So that will really capture my attention. That's what it was.

I love it. Best steak coming up. Nice. I like be kind and best steak. And so one of the things in resiliency that is important is that when something positive happens to you, that we don't wash it away, that we actually savor it. So be kind food. There's a savoring in both places. So it's almost like when we come back to really talk about the actions, how do I be kind to myself? Because we are just our own worst critics. It's constantly. We're constantly, constantly saying things to ourselves that can be problematic and trouble. Tell me about your sign. What's your billboard say, Julie?

Mine would say laugh at yourself. Because I tend to be so serious and try to do work so hard, and I forget to play, and I just exhaust myself sometimes, and I take things way beyond what they need to be. And if I can get myself into a state of just laughing at my ridiculousness, there's usually a funny story that just makes everybody laugh. So the more I can laugh at myself, the lighter life is.

Oh, I think, once again, you have all identified characteristics of resiliency, and the ability to be very careful about taking yourself too seriously is really a problem. Well, you know, one of the things we all talk about is don't believe everything you think. Well, don't believe everything you think about yourself either. You are compelling and interesting human beings. We want to make sure everybody on the podcast gets to know you so we can kind of talk about the things that are really fun and fun. Fun to do. Great. Thank you, guys. I love this way of kind of checking in and noticing that much of our mindset now is sitting around this ability to think about what does it mean to be resilient. So the reason why we're talking about this is that.

Ray, I'm sorry, I would like to know what your Billboard sign would say, sir.

Oh, Vince is great. That's my billboard. Vince is great. It could probably say a whole lot of things, but probably my billboard would say something like this. Be as kind to yourself as you are to people you love. So it kind of matches Colleen's statement and the ability to savor the other pieces about my personality that I enjoy, but also worry about savoring those edges. I get anxious that it's easy for me to. For you guys, if you even want, any of you called me up and said, I need to talk to you about what happened. I would do my best to be exceedingly kind and caring to each of you. I'm not so sure. I always do that for myself. And so developing my capability to do that's really important. What are you thinking right now, Julie?

Yeah, I agree. I think that to remember to have those same conversations with ourselves or reach out to someone, if you notice that you're beating yourself up and, you know, someone might be kind to you.

Yeah, yeah. It's almost like when somebody compliments me, I have this faux humility. Oh, really? Wasn't me. It was Colleen or Vance or Julie or. Oh, it's the work of Senge or. No, it's really not me. And I read a piece by Garrison Keillor who said, when somebody gives me praise after I get rid of the faux nonsense that I responded with, he said, I want them to look me in the eyes and treat me like a sun God. Like, here, let me tell you why you're great, like. And I so admire you. And, you know, I probably would do that to him if I met him, because I have such incredible. I'm in awe of the man. Just love what he's done and how he has created a space for people to really be themselves and to be kind to people going forward. So that's really cool. Colleen, what you thinking right now?

I think what resonated with me is that kindness is a capability and one that you can intentionally focus on and grow. Because I think so many times you hear, be kind, be vulnerable. I mean, any of these words are like buzz terms, and people say them and then they turn around and don't demonstrate them in their behavior and in their language. So I think many times it's more difficult. It's harder said than done. It sounds so simple. And yet many times when we're put in a position to demonstrate kindness to ourselves or to each other or vulnerability, I think a lot of times we opt out. It's a lot easier just for Me to withdraw and to go, nah, maybe tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, I'll know. That's. I mean, that's elegant. I have worked with AA for years and years and they have a tendency in their meetings, that is their opportunity to be completely connected and completely vulnerable with one another. And as you know, working with kids whose parents were struggling with addiction. I had many, many, many hours in Al Anon. Many, many hours thinking about what does serenity really look like? Can I surrender to this? There is so much here that you just gave us. Thank you. Thank you. Vince, what are you thinking about this.

So as I listened to you man, I was thinking about the correlation between other leaders that I've had the privilege of working with and experience. And so to hear you, you know, say your billboard would talk more about giving yourself permission and being kind to yourself, that's a sign of good leaders, man. Good leaders and people who are really doing a lot of things really don't give themselves full credit in the space that for the great things they do, they tend to minimize it. And so when you said that, I was thinking about other leaders that we work with and I hear from a lot of the great leaders those same similar characteristics and so it just resonated. There's something I should be in tune to a little bit more and more appreciative of when I experience good leaders. People like you, Ray. You're more than enough, by the way.

Thank you. And that's beautiful. And I didn't fucking hear that I'd be in trouble today. Right. We need to be able to say to one another, you are enough, you're okay. Right. So there is a piece here about praise and about the Sun God thing I did with Garrison Kaler. But the ability to praise people is so much in the specificity. If I can't be specific, low key and very intentional, the praise tends to wash away. And then because of my self talk, I won't listen to you. Like I'd say, well, Vince is a nice guy or he's just being nice to me today or whatever. I need to be able to accept that and think about it and how to build my capabilities to be an even stronger colleague, a friend and where you let me leader of this system, this team that we get to play with. So that was really nice. Thanks. Final thoughts before I shift you a little bit. So we kind of played a little bit around. What does it mean to be resilient? What is resiliency? You know, it means to leap back into the fray. And I heard a Talk once by a great coach, football coach, and he was talking about, for whatever reason, resiliency. And he said, I had this linebacker, he was really an interesting kid and he was very resilient. And if you knock him down, he would get back up and arrive at the bull carrier in an angry mood. It was like, boom, go. So it's like you get knocked down, you pick yourself up, you go again. Colleen, you got a soccer one for me?

Geez, yeah, I do.

So.

Very first time I moved to a new location, my son was maybe eight. His name's Connor. He was out there for the very first time, pivoted from recreational soccer to comp soccer. So different pace, different, different ball game. He showed up the very first game, very first play, whammo. He got hit. He was locked out, right on his ass. And I just went, okay. And as the mom, you know, you want to go, are you okay? Are you okay? I bit my tongue and I just said underneath my breath, get up, get.

Up, get up, get up, get up.

That kid got up. He kind of looked over at me. I went, rush, brush. He got back up and leapt right back into it. Didn't even miss a beat. I was really impressed with his quick ability to demonstrate resilience straight out of the gate.

I love it, I love it. I think as parents and coaches, we're always trying to help people be resilient. So I'll give you a resiliency story that had kind of a negative outcome. One of my grandkids, Skylar, granddaughter, she's playing baseball, I think it was, or softball, and she falls down, takes a big clunk, you know, trying to get into second base, tripped or something happened and she fell. And she was probably 13, 14, and she's crying and her dad, my son in law, and my daughter said, ah, put some dirt on it, you're fine, you know, and she's still crying. But they said, she did what they said and ran back into the dugout and continued to play. Well, she broke her arm and nobody knew that she had a broken arm. And she was trying to be tough and be resilient just to please mom and dad and the coach and all that kind of stuff. So I think there's an expectation of resilience sometimes that gets a little bit sideways from. From place to place. Julie, what you thinking? You got one for us?

I do. I do have an academic resiliency story. And for those of you who are listening at home, you could think of yourself as a student or you could think of your children. Who are in school and how important it is to really keep that praise in there as also some feedback. And so I went to get my PhD in education. I was a leader and I had already been in education for 20 years as a reading specialist and reading supervisor. And I thought I knew a lot going in to get my PhD and I was pretty happy with everything that was going on. And my first paper got turned back to me in my class. He didn't even grade it. He didn't even grade it. It was that bad. And he handed this back and he was like, I'm going to make a strong recommendation that you go to the writing center at least twice a week so that you can learn how to write academically. Because, you know, it was a whole. Learning how to write for journals and research is a completely different way than just summarizing what the story was when I was working with students. And so. And I struggled all four years of my PhD and I would get a C and I would cry like I was 43 and I'm crying because I got a C on a paper that I worked so hard on. And so I'm going to wrap this up here. So it came to my dissertation and I turned it in and my committee said it wasn't ready. I didn't put enough stuff into chapter five. And that was it. I said, that's it, you broken me, I'm done, you know, and I like, I quit. I don't need this PhD anyway. And I just, you know, on and on and they said no, you know, and several people told me resiliency stories just similar like this. So I listened to them. They helped me over the summer. I rewrote it. And because of that and because of all of that work, if me continuing to persist, I actually ended up with an award for my dissertation, a research award. But I'll tell you what, I had to have a lot of resiliency as an adult and learn how to write more effectively.

Okay, okay, Okay. I gotta, I gotta know this. When you got the paperback with no grade on it and he wanted you to go, what was your first, first emotion? What ran through you?

My first emotion is I am stupid and I should not be here.

Self talk immediately. Right. I shouldn't be here. And if you're not careful, you're not careful. That could actually talk yourself right out of that. So your coping action was actually to confirm they don't think I'm good enough.

Yes.

I'm going to get out of here. Right. This is really, really good. This happens to me all the time. I can't tell you how often. And still. And requires the real discipline to stop it. And, you know, you're better than this. You can do better than the car. But it is really interesting how whatever brought us to the point we're at right now, we have all these stories. Look at all these stories. Vince got a story, man.

Okay, we're family. And so you can't hold this against me, but I'm going to tell you this one. I never told anybody.

I can hold it against you if I want. Yeah, go ahead. I want to hear it.

All right. So while I was in college, I was a nursing student, and I was the only male in the nursing program. This is 30 something years ago. So it was just an interesting program, but I had an eye for the ladies back in the day. And so there was a student worker. Man, this girl was gorgeous, and I just. I fell in love with her. And so I would stop by the front office every chance I got, with every excuse to kind of have an encounter and engage with this young lady. What I didn't realize was that I created perception amongst my professors that I was going to the front office to try to get this student, this fellow student worker, to help give me an advantage on exams. And so a couple of my professors accused me of academic impropriety, which was further from the truth. And when I found out, I was so offended and attacked my integrity that I decided I was leaving Delaware, which is where I went to undergraduate, and I was getting everything in my car, and I was going back to Chicago that day. Whenever I didn't fit in the car, everybody could have it. So I was in my room packing up, mad, going home, and the resident manager found out, called the dean of the department, and they had this big conversation. So they spent a good hour talking me out the ceiling to get me to stay in college. It was just a mistake. And we worked it out, and it took a couple of days, but I was resilient enough to understand. Eventually, after I calmed down, if I went home and showed up at my father's house knowing that he paid good money and I didn't complete that plan, that I would have more problems. So my resiliency factor kicked in. I stayed. And needless to say, here I am today.

And here you are today, right? I love that because imagine going home saying, I decided not to stay because I kind of, like, fell for this girl. I got in trouble, and now it's why I'm home. Could you imagine that? Conversation. So sometimes fear is a pretty good motivator and has some. It does have a place when we talk about resiliency going forward. So, I mean, you guys are great. These are the things that happen to us and the reason why we talk about it. It's life. It's life. Every day something can, you know, knock us sideways is, you know, you know how we always talk about this, about planning, right? Planning and preparing are really important, but the actual plan is not so much because when we actually start to do the plan, life happens. And I didn't expect her to say that. I didn't expect him to say that. Or, why is Vince not here? Why is Colleen somewhere else? Why is Julie sleeping? All of these things begin to build some self talk inside of us as we are building our capabilities to lead individuals, teams and organizations. This sense of resiliency, it's constant. It's not just once in a while. It's not just here's some big event, happens all the time. So the reason why we are talking about resiliency, because you're a little about the what, why we're talking about it. It is part of our everyday life. And if we can become aware, and I must tell you, ladies and gentlemen, the work that the four of us do all the time is becoming more and more aware of how our behavior lands on people, impacts people, touches people. Awareness is critical. So as you step into this space of resiliency with us, and I do like the title, the Miracle of Resiliency, because I've seen people pretty well knocked down and they come back. As an old coach, I had a lot of kids get knocked down and come back and come back. So we have much to talk about in that space. By the time this first period ends, which is going to happen pretty soon, I'm hoping that all of you will say, you know, this is going to be a good set of podcasts and I'm going to get to learn a lot about myself, learn a lot about us, and how we interact in a way that produces constant vulnerability, just constant. We just don't ever lean away from it. I want to be as brutally honest with you as I possibly can in every instance. And I think as we develop your capabilities around where you're interested, learning how to be more and more resilient, I think each of you are going to really enjoy this. Each of you are going to really love this podcast series on resiliency. So with that said, this is an opening to a beautiful set of podcasts. And I thought you Guys would enjoy listening to us talk about what we're doing, going to provide in terms of the interactions. So let me kind of play with my gang a little bit here, and then I think you'll enjoy this a lot. Of all the little pieces you heard today, which story resonated most with you? Not your story. Which of the other stories resonate and why? And why? Why? Why? Why did that story resonate with you? Who'd like, start?

Okay, so Julie's story resonated with me because of what it takes in the academic environment, you know, to kind of make your goals and reach your goals. And so I can just relate as she talked about times when I was in school and you're writing papers, you know, and if you've been out of the system for a while doing work, then you go back into an academic environment, and the language is different, the expectations are different. You have to learn those skills. And so I could totally relate to her professors telling her that your paper is not good enough. And, you know, you spend a lot of quality time and they write D's and F's and giving you those grades back. So that. That resonated with me because that happened once or twice in graduate school as well.

That's really excellent. And I will tell you, Vince, I had. And, you know, I didn't get these other jobs I used to have because I wanted a new job as I needed money to pay for school or pay for clothes, pay for diapers, pay for whatever, Right. And I thought about as I was preparing for this conversation today, when I was working as a teamster and a longshoreman, they have resiliency needs. Right. They just don't look like the other places where I was. Right. They're not very academic. The language is generally little to none. And I've seen people be resilient physically toward another person. So resiliency shifts and changes depending upon where we are from time to time. That was really good. Thank you, brother. Colleen. Julie, which one resonated with you?

Sure, I'll go ahead. Well, you were talking just a minute ago about physical resiliency. And, you know, there's kind of intellectual, emotional resiliency. And it just made me go to divorce, you know, and being able to ride the waves, because they equal that to, you know, to death in many ways, of having somebody die. And I've been through a divorce, and let me just tell you, that really makes you focus on all aspects of resiliency. But I think the piece that really resonated with me in Vince's story was this sense of self awareness. So even though in the heat of the moment he was very upset, he had the self awareness and presence to pause. Right. As you mentioned, Vince, he could have got in the car and hightailed it on home. Right? But there was something about his resiliency in and his self awareness of thinking about what possibly are the unintended consequences of this particular behavior if I do it right. And I think that that was amazing because many people, they don't take the pause to breathe and then respond. We just respond. And so I think that's a huge piece of. If we can weather the tide of what's happening in our lives as they unfold with this pause, breath, and then respond, it will help us really get what we really want, which you. I mean, look at you. You're right. You stayed, you held the course, and you had a phenomenal career. So I think that story really resonated with me.

You know, Colleen, when you talked about that and you guys did a beautiful podcast on entering into 21, right? And to think about those five Rs, the reaction phase, the reflection phase, the recovery, reset, and the last one, most important, respond. You just nailed that beautifully. How do we respond? Because if I just sit in the reaction edge, and it is a way of coping, but it would have been avoidance, I'm out of here. I don't want to do this. But it is not an illegitimate way to cope and be resilient. It just doesn't get you what you want. So I think this was really a great set of examples. Julie, which one resonated most with you? And it could be your own, by the way, if you would like it to be.

I'm going to go with the parent, both. Ray, you had shared a story about Skylar and Colleen with your son, and I think it fits. There's a continuum that parents can do with their children, and you can help them reset and also recover. And sometimes we just need to reset. You know, like Colleen said, oh, get up, get up, get up, get up. And he got up and he kept running. And she was like, good job. All right. You know, and you think about, you know, all the times our kids fall when they're learning how to walk or ride a bike or, you know, all those things, and your instances to just make it easy, right? It's all good. And they learn from that, from your lack of reaction. They learn this is no big deal. And then sometimes, though, our reaction of it's no big deal, we have to be careful with that, because sometimes it actually might be a big deal and they may need to recover a little bit more. Like your granddaughter needed to go to the hospital and get her cast and all that sort of stuff. So it's a balancing act. I hate the word balance, but there is definitely an awareness, like you said, Colleen, that as parents, we need to sort of watch and is this a reset situation or is this a recover situation?

Yeah, no, that's really sweet. And I think there's. We live in this space of quick response. And if you are in a situation that requires quick response, do the best you can. Then when you go through that later on, that after action review, that assessment of how well I did, that's when I can really work on my awareness, my recovery, and my reset before I go into the next space. You guys were great today. This was a great beginning of the podcast series on the miracle of resilience. And I was trying to think about a really good checkout question for you guys today. So here's an invitation. If there was one thing that you wanted to tell someone who you really loved, someone who. I love this person. I care for them, I want them to be successful, and I've been asked to give them one good idea about how to use resiliency successfully in their life. How to use resiliency successfully in their life, what would you say, Colleen?

I would say, remember, you're not alone when you're down on your back. Maybe you feel that emotionally, intellectually, something's happened to you. Don't go it alone. You're not on an island. Look around. Who is in your inner circle you can reach out to, who can help pick you back up when perhaps you don't have that within yourself at that moment?

That's a resource that sometimes we almost ignore the resource rather than embrace the resource. Like, I could do this alone. No man is an island. I guess maybe women are. I don't know why that thing came out that way. No man is an island. Anyway, this whole sense of that there is support for us. We just need to embrace it and not ignore it. And I do think a lot of our conditioning has this sense of the powerful woman, the powerful man. That's exhausting just even saying it. Julie, how about you?

I would say, this too shall pass. I tend to go into catastrophe thinking and, oh, my gosh. And, you know, if I'm tired one morning, it's like, oh, my gosh, something's wrong. I'm tired. You know, and you know, and it's like, no, this will pass in a few days. I will be rested, I will be less stressed, I will be less anxious. It'll be all good. This too shall pass. And I'm out.

This too shall pass. It's sometimes so hard to realize that when you're in the midst of it and when, you know, I've always talked about how the wave makes you feel. It's of kind come down on top of me and the wave is producing emotion in me. It's hard to wait for that wave to dissipate so I can choose a different emotion, which is another resiliency characteristic which we'll talk about at some time soon. And I just think that was great, Julie. Thank you, Vince.

Yeah. So somewhere in between what my colleagues said, I just say, I remind the people I love to be prepared. There are no perfect solutions. So last night, my daughter, who's applying for college, received her first disqualifying letter. She couldn't go to one of her choice. And she was just sitting at the table looking so sad. And so I just asked to say, you know, you worked pretty hard at that, didn't you? And you did a lot of things right and still someone said no to you. So I need you to be prepared in life that no matter how hard you work and despite some of your best efforts, sometimes doesn't mean that something's wrong with you. Sometimes it's just not going to work out. You need to be prepared for those disappointments and you need to continue to move forward. So preparation and being prepared for not always having things go the way to anticipate it is what I would say. But it correlates, I believe my colleague said, and I'm out.

She's lucky to have you, Vince. And I think you become. And this is a tricky thing for parents, right? You are a resource. And the danger that unfolds over time is you start wanting things for your kids and that there is eventually a distance that will occur where you help them want things for themselves. And my God, thank you all there. Take care of your kids, teach them resiliency, be with them and love them through. I mean, it loves everything. It's like, how do I love this kid enough that she or he can learn to be more resilient in their practice? Guys, you guys were wonderful today. Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for spending some time with us here at JLC Media. I hope you really like this one. I'd love to know your thinking. I sure enjoyed my three colleagues tremendously. They just gave me an uplifting afternoon as I chatted with them today and made me feel more and more connected to each of them. I hope you feel connected to us. Remember to find more out about us and what we can do and things that you might want us to do in the area of resiliency or others, please hop onto our website gojlc.com enjoy it. I hope you liked the podcast. I hope you liked the video. Whichever you watch, take care one and all. Sincerest thanks for listening to to this.

Episode of the Everyday Leadership Conversations podcast. The Jorgensen Learning center offers a variety of programs for individuals and organizations to enhance their communication and leadership skills. To find out more about programs and upcoming webinars, check out our Events page at gojlc. Com.