7 reasons she feels like a roommate, not a lover

So it's so common in a long term relationship that you get complacent around each other. Things start to get a little bit boring. Your partner feels like a roommate rather than a lover and the sex has dried up. And trust me, I get it. It can be a little bit confusing and frustrating, especially if you're a man. You think like, what's going on? Like, where's my sex drive going? Like, why am I not attracted to my partner? And as a woman you can start to doubt yourself, like, why aren't we having the same love making we did before? Just know that it's all totally normal. In this video, I'm going to break down the seven reasons why your partner is starting to feel like a roommate instead of a lover. And just know that once you see these things I'm about to share, the fix is very simple because you just do the inverse. And I'm going to target these more specifically to men. But just know that women can start to get some clarity from these points as well. The first thing is you've stopped leading with intention. What happens to most men once they get to a certain point in their relationship, they get passive passivity. Means you're just like letting your partner make all decisions. You're not really having an active involvement in creating new experiences or date nights or fun together. And I remember in my relationship a few years ago, I've been dating my partner Amanda for 10 years and obviously at the start everything's exciting and new. At around the five year mark we've I noticed that I was going through this phase of just not really getting too much excitement or getting creative about how we had fun together. It was during COVID and we're at home and we were just in the routine and I noticed we're just having a lot less sex. I noticed that we weren't really as like physically intimate with each other anymore in terms of kissing and touching. And I just thought it was like a testosterone thing. I remember going to get my testosterone checked or thinking it was a diet thing I needed to change. But no, the fact was I wasn't actually taking initiative. The fact was I wasn't actually going out of my way to create spontaneous fun and direction and structure in my life outside of my, my business. I was just very rigid in my business. And when that doesn't trickle over into creating moments of intimacy through spontaneity and fun and being intentional with how I show my love to her, then of course things get stagnant. So when I started to prioritize this, I realized that, oh, no, it's not my testosterone. It was just me not infusing the spark. It was me not initiating the attraction. And the moment I started to do that, we started having way more sex. And all of a sudden, even though we're living together and not a whole lot changed externally, I changed internally, and we were back on those terms when we first met. The next thing that will really destroy the spark in the relationship is losing that curiosity you had when you first met your partner. Now, for a lot of guys, when you're in the early stage of relationship, you're asking questions, you're learning new things about your partner. And like in my case, again, being together for 10 years, it can be so easy to just not have that same level of curiosity about your intimate lover. And I started to make it more of a practice in my life to when I'm out for date nights with my partner, or we're having dinner together, or we're just hanging out in nature, let's say we're not on our phones, we're not watching something. It's treat each dinner interaction where you know, as an opportunity to ask them new questions. I'm naturally quite a curious person, so it allowed me to then practice, okay, what are some new questions that I haven't asked my partner before so that I'm not allowing this newness to die in the relationship? Because the moment you let go of the curiosity and you just start to show up in a more monotonous way around your partner, then that friendship, joy, or the relational curiosity is going to start to die. So think about that. What are some questions maybe you could ask your partner tonight that you haven't asked before? What was it like during her childhood or his childhood? What were her parents like growing up? What were some of the things that you happened during school? Just get really creative and try to nurture this practice of being continuously curious. And I guarantee you the love, the passion for this person that you love so much is going to come back. Now, the third thing is there's a strong chance that you may have become emotionally unavailable. For the men, this means you're burying too much time in your business or your career. You're losing contact with the felt sense, the sensitivity, the energy that gives your relationship that real deep joy or that deep fulfillment. Remember, like the things that give us pleasure in life is feeling. Like the deeper you feel, the richer you are. So if you've lost contact with that emotional availability, then you've lost contact with feeling and Connecting with your partner on that level. And I remember I've coached some really high level entrepreneurs and some of the things that I often say to them is you need to create space and time in your life to actually connect with your own feminine quality. So a lot of guys are often over in their masculine, they're doing all the time. And if you can create space to be in your femininity as a man as well, you're going to start to bring online a lot of these creative qualities or these intuitive qualities that allow you to nurture your own internal connection. Once you have that, then it's a lot easier to nurture the emotional connection in the relationship. And if you remember that women are more emotional being beings than men, she needs to connect first on an emotional level. If you're not connecting with her on an emotional level, she ain't going to connect with you on a physical level. So don't neglect this aspect. It's actually becomes the most important part. Staying emotionally available for your partner. And the way that you can do that practically is create space in your life where you're doing feminine practices, dancing in nature, just listening to more music in general, creative writing, just doing things that are getting you into self expression is going to help you connect with your emotions, but then also doing things where you're not in your head all the time, just be in your body more. Now the next thing that will cause your relationship to feel like you're living with a roommate instead of a lover is there's no edge. You've lost the edge. As a man. You need to have this edge, the spontaneity, this mysterious element about you where you're constantly trying new things and shifting your identity and stepping into new explorations or adventures. Because it's so attractive for the feminine to be around a man who's constantly stretching himself. He's not just like cruising and comfortable. Just examine this in your career, your business right now. Where are you cruising? Where have you like taken the foot off the gas? And you're just playing it safe, okay? And I looked at this in my life a few years ago again, back when I was living in Perth, Western Australia during COVID it was so easy for me to create the excuse that like, I can't travel, like I can't explore my edges. I'm just going to do the same things day to day, week to week, month to month. And I wasn't bringing this aliveness, I wasn't bringing the spontaneity to the relationship. I was boring to be Around I was just like taking life a little too seriously and there was no fun. But what brought me and my partner together was the fun was the spontaneity. We love to travel, we love to go on adventure, we love to do new things together. So when I started to take some ownership of that and I got creative around, all right, how can I stretch my edge even though I'm here right now and I can't travel? What are some creative ways that I could do that? I started to attend some men's retreats, I started to surf, I started to go out and go on these hikes in my hometown that I hadn't experienced before. I started to. I started to learn skills that I always wanted to learn, like dance. I remember Dan, I joined this dance program to learn how to dance properly and these were all new things that like brought back the aliveness in my life and the playfulness. And my partner got to benefit from that. Even though we couldn't do the things we really wanted, like travel, we still got to expand our spontaneity. So I want you to reflect on that for this week. What's a new edge you want to explore? Is it playing your sport, playing your instrument, learning new language was something you've always wanted to do that maybe you haven't created the time for? Or something that you've neglecting, leaning, going in the direction of because it's a little bit scary or something, or it's the unknown. Embrace. That's what your partner really needs and that's going to bring the spark back. Now the next thing is maybe you've made your business or your career or your work the number one priority and it's taken all of your attention and you're not nurturing the relationship by feeding, by not giving it love and leadership and admiration. Your partner needs these things. She needs to feel that you actually care about her and you're going out of your way to show that happens. For a lot of high performing entrepreneurs who like have big businesses that they're growing or scaling is it just takes all of their attention and all of a sudden they're not actually watering the plant of their relationship. They're not allowing it to grow because they're just not giving it any time or energy. So make sure you're still carving out the necessary space to show your love and admiration to your partner. Could be through little things like flowers or planning new dates or just like all the things I've mentioned already. But you've got to still go out of your Way to express your love and leadership to her. The only way you can do that is you just give it some time and space to contemplate. All right, what does my partner really enjoy? What is something I can give to her today or this week that would really brighten her day and show her that I really care about her? Those little things go a long way, especially if you're running a business. It's even more important that you create that because you're probably spending a lot of time at work already. Now, the next thing that's probably happening is that you're avoiding conflict instead of using it as an opportunity to create deeper intimacy. Now, I was coaching this client of mine, his name was John, and he fallen into the pattern of letting, like, pleasing his partner all the time, always, like, doing what she wanted to do, letting her kind of take the lead on the activities they were doing. He was ignoring the things that he really desired, the things that he enjoyed, the adventures he wanted to go on, the friends he wanted to hang out with. And he would avoid bringing this stuff up because he didn't want to upset his partner or his wife. And what ends up happening there, because he's suppressing his masculinity, because he's not speaking his truth, there's this resentment that starts to build. There's this energetic wall that gets created between him and his partner. And when I was working with him, I started to get him to go, you know, what lights you up? What do you want to do? And even if your partner doesn't want to do it, I want you to go ahead and just tell her, like, hey, cool, no worries. If you don't want to come with me on the hike today, I'm going to go anywhere. And that might trigger her a little bit or whatever. But I said, man, it's totally fine. If that triggers her, that's okay. That's her stuff that she gets to work through. But you're not going to compromise yourself anymore. In order to keep her happy, you need to go ahead and still do the things that light you up. When he started to do that, his confidence came back, started to feel like himself again. And all of a sudden, his partner started to notice that too, and goes, oh, wow. John's man, he's just living his life. He's going out there making time for himself. And it started to get her to think outside or break some of the patterns that were perpetuating in the relationship, causing her to think that she can get what she wants all the. So there was this new growth that came from that. And then all of a sudden, he got to lean into that conflict. He got to lean into listening and holding a space for her to be like, hey, what's sweetheart, like, you seem a little bit upset today about me going on that hike. Or you seem a little bit distant. Because I'm distant today because of the decisions I made earlier. What's coming up for you? The moment I got him to lean into that conflict and use it as an opportunity to create a deeper connection together. That was the thing where they got to clear all this underlying resentment. And ultimately it brought them closer together. So examine that in your relationship. Where are you maybe avoiding conflict to keep the peace where you may be compromising yourself in order to keep them happy? You still got to nurture the things that bring you alive outside of the relationship as well. And then if that creates conflict, address it, talk about it. Don't be afraid to just have a real conversation about, you know, what's on your heart with your partner. And ultimately trust that when you deliver it correctly with not without being defensive and just being curious and empathetic and then both having space to speak, you're going to feel so, so connected. On the other side of that, you like to spark, and you're going to feel. You're going to want to have sex immediately after that because emotional connection precedes the physical connection. So the emotional connection will come back when you just speak more. Now, the final thing that I'll mention that is causing your relationship to feel stagnant and you're not having sex because you feel like roommates is you stopped leading yourself. Now you cannot lead your partner unless you're leading yourself. And leading yourself means creating the discipline, creating the commitment, creating the structure in your own life to make sure that you're moving in a direction that you want to go. And I remember this. This started to shift for me in the early stages. When I first started my dating, my partner was 24, and I was leaving my corporate job at the time. And I didn't really have a plan. I didn't have a plan for what I was doing. I was quitting my job to travel to Canada. And I could feel that my partner was like, she didn't fully understand the direction that I was going. And this created some uncertainty in the relationship because there were some big decisions that needed to be made at a crucial period where I didn't have the clarity. I wasn't leading myself to create that clarity. And it resulted in our relationship almost ending. Because she couldn't get behind me, she couldn't trust my leadership because I didn't make the time to create a plan. So leadership for me in that moment was creating a plan. This is where I want to go in my life in the next three years. This is my plan to achieve these things. These are the things I'm going to prioritize right now to make sure that this happens. And the moment I was able to enroll her into that vision and show her the plan that I had for our life, my life and ours, it was almost like she got inspired by that. She wanted to get behind that because she was attracted to the mission, attracted to the vision that I have. So if you're not leading yourself, you've lost contact with your vision and your mission. So reflect on that. What is the mission? What's the 10 year goal? If you don't even know what it is, just play with it. Just go like, where do I want to be in 10 years? What would be the thing that really light me up if I could achieve this in 10 years? Where do I want to go? Who don't want to be around? What kind of work would I be doing? And then build a bit of a one to three year vision on how you're going to get to this 10 year goal. 10 year mission, build out a bit of a plan. Things you would need to prioritize today, this week to move you in that direction. And then have a chat to your partner and show her, look, this is the plan, this is what I'm envisioning for our life. Are you on board? Like anything else, you want to add to this and bring some enthusiasm and excitement into this vision you have for both of your lives. And I promise you, it's going to just rekindle the trust that she has in you, but also give her something to get behind to be like, fuck, you know what he's thinking about? He's not just thinking about himself, he's thinking about us and where we're going. Women love that. Women really want that. It gives them security. And once you have that for yourself too, you're going to just feel so much more decisive in your day to day actions as well, which is going to give you some masculine leadership that she's really craving as well. So there we have it. There is seven ways that you can start to rekindle the love in your relationship instead of being stuck in roommate patterns. And if you want to go a little bit deeper into this, I've made a 30 day email sequence for men and women where you can start to get some daily insights on how you can lead, how you can step up, how you can start to step into a new level of relational connection. I'll send that straight to your email inbox. Just check the link out in the description. But remember my bro, if you're feeling like your relationship's on the rocks like this, and you're just questioning things, or you're thinking that you need to make a big change, or maybe the relationship's not meant to be, just start prioritizing some of these little things before you jump to conclusions. Don't let your mind tell you this story that you know something's wrong because really that nothing is wrong. And remember, something brought you and your partner together. There was an energy, there was an attraction, there was some sort of magnetic force that brought you together. And just know that's always there. And it's really just about stripping away the things that are blocking you guys from both being in that place. Because things have got complacent, you've fallen into old conditioning, you've got lazy with certain areas. So just remember, you can reset this at any time by applying some of these things I just shared in this video. And I promise you, you're going to be back on track when your relationship's thriving again and you're thriving. You're going to have that joy, that confidence, that fulfillment that will allow you to feel unstoppable. So go ahead and implement some of these things. I look forward to seeing you in the next video.