Feeling Them Pull Away? Avoid These Mistakes

So if you've noticed your wife or your husband or someone you're dating start to pull away, maybe they stop texting you back, or you sense some emotional distance, and then you get in your head, start thinking you're doing something wrong. This video is for you because I'm going to break down exactly the mistakes that I see people make that actually causes them to push the people they care about further away during these situations. At this point, I've coached thousands of people through very similar dynamics as this. And I'm going to break down and show you the exact things that I share with them to help them rebuild the connection with when it seems things are going in the opposite direction. The first thing that I would suggest that you check yourself or just become aware of when you're. When someone you love is pulling away is don't go immediately chasing reconnection. Instead, create emotional safety with yourself first. Now, what do I mean by that? Well, let me give you an example. I had this client that I was working with, let's call him Mark. And Mark was going through this situation where he was with his wife. He was spending lots of quality time with her. They were having an amazing time. And then all of a sudden, she just got cold with him. She was being distant. She was pulling away. And I remember him calling me up going, man, I don't know what's going on. What am I doing wrong here? Why is she just not receptive to me anymore? What's happening? And obviously, this is the classic anxious avoidant dynamic. There's a push, pull, emotional tug of war going on here as a strong chance that she was going through something emotionally. And instead of opening up to him about what was happening, she just kind of withdrew, right? So he didn't know what was happening. He started telling me, is this something I did wrong? Is there something I'm not doing? And I said to him, man, just. Just take a moment, just pause. What are you actually feeling right now around all of this? And he started to tell me, I'm feeling anxious, I'm feeling confused, feeling disconnected. And his initial reaction was to want to go and just immediately have conversations with her and find out what she was thinking. I said, mate, just take a pause for a moment because right now what's coming up for you is actually the thing that's in the background. It's the fear that's running in your subconscious that we get to look at that you get to that. You get to acknowledge that maybe this fear is actually preventing you from having the relationship that's going to flow in directions that you need to go. But very often situations like this will trigger past wounds in us, emotional patterns from our mom and our dad. And that's exactly what was happening with Mark. So once I gave him the space to be able to inquire, to feel, to reflect, to contemplate on what he was feeling and where he was feeling, and more specifically these fear based energies, and we gave him a space to be able to sit with that and to love it and allow it, he was able to find a sense of security with himself, then created the energetic container for his partner to start to naturally open to him and let him in when the time felt right. Instead of him just going, chasing and trying to amend the disconnect right away, there was a natural level of effortlessness in their reconnection which then supported her and being able to discover a new way of relating with herself and with him, because he wasn't forcing it and pushing it. So if you're finding yourself in that situation too where you're wanting to really immediately jump out and get the solution or find out what's going on with your partner, if they're being distant, take the opportunity to examine or to sit with and to love the fear that's coming up in you. Because ultimately if you're in the old pattern of avoiding this fear or numbing this fear, or looking to remedy this fear by getting constant validation from your partner, and that's just a dysfunctional relationship to be in from the get go. Like the way you break this push, pull dynamic is you have to be the one to acknowledge that, hey, you know what, maybe these emotions are coming from my past relating to my mom and dad and I get to step into a new level of wholeness and security and unconditional love for these younger parts of me instead of playing out this old dynamic that's not going to serve my partner either, or your wife or your husband either. So what I would suggest you do is the next time you feel the fear come up, sit with it. It could be something really simple. When you just close your eyes, you just breathe, you relax, you notice where in the body or feeling the tension or the anxiety and just breathe into that space. And you can even say to yourself, I love this. I'm feeling anxious and I love it. I feel panic and I love it. It's safe for me to feel this, I'm allowed to feel this. It's perfect that I'm feeling this start to interrupt the old pattern that to resist and Avoid and look outward for the solution. I want you to practice finding the solution inward. Find safety within yourself first. Once you're able to do that, you'll know. Don't. Don't get up from your meditation or don't get up from your practice until you find or you connect with a sense of safety that says, hey, I'm okay. I'm calm. I don't need the reassur. I don't need them to communicate with me right now. I'm okay. Within myself, there is no rush. There is no panic. There is no urgency. And one of my coaches told me one time that urgency indicates that there's trauma present. And when there's an element of urgency, oh, what's going on? Can you tell me what's happening? I need to fix this right away. Whenever there's urgency happening somewhere, it's revealing a trauma pattern, a trauma loop. So catch that within yourself. Panic and urgency. And when that's no longer there, cool. You're in that state of safety. Your nervous system is calm. That's when you can then decide on. All right, do I wanna wait a bit longer? Do I wanna reach out to them? Do I wanna set up a meeting where we can discuss what's actually happening here to get some more clarity? But the decision will be coming from a more grounded place. It will be coming from a place of responsiveness rather than reactiveness. And that is what's ultimately gonna support both of you whether you're meant to be together or not. It's gonna support both of you in being on the path for greater levels of security in your relationship. Now, the most important thing is here. You'll never establish a sense of security, security in your relationship if you keep thinking that their withdrawal or their avoidance or pulling away is about you. And this is the second point that I want to bring up here. The common mistake that happens when, you know, someone in the relationship pulls away is the other person will take it personally. You know, oh, is this something that I'm doing wrong? It's something I'm not doing. And another example of a friend here who was in a scenario where, you know, he was dating this woman for a little while and things were going great. Everything was awesome. They were having so much fun. And then she went cold on him. She wasn't messaging. She's taking longer to reply. And he told me, dude, what's going on? I thought we had a good thing going on. Why is she not responding anymore? What's happening here? And I said to him, man, just Maybe it's not about you. Maybe she's going through something. Maybe there's something coming up in her world that's causing her to feel a little bit emotionally overwhelmed. She's wanting to take some space. And the moment he kind of acknowledged, okay, let me give her that space and let go and forget about it and go back to focusing on what brings you wholeness and love and security and playfulness in your life. All of a sudden she came back around and texted him about a few days later, just saying, hey, I'm really sorry that something came up in my life and I was feeling a little bit overwhelmed. So I naturally kind of pulled away a little bit. But yeah, it was nothing about you. And how did. He kind of immediately kept texting her and wanting to reinitiate and re engage and get answers from her and this grabby pulled energy that would have just pushed her further away. She was this widow, you know, feeling a little insecure. Remember, insecurity is the biggest turnoff. So you never want to allow your insecurity to dictate how you make your decisions. And I think you get the point here is what I'm trying to pass on to you, my friend, is interrupt these patterns that show up because of insecurity, and you can interrupt the patterns by creating space around them. So if you think and you can catch your mind here, your mind will do this to you or your mind will create these stories that tell you that something you've done wrong, or it will tell you that they don't want to be with you or you're, you know, they don't love you or they're cheating on you, someone else. Whatever these stories are, it's so important that you capture them, you identify them. Because sometimes the story can trigger the old emotion. It's less about the situation, it's more about the meaning you're placing on the situation. Okay, so there's a great practice, and I want you to try this by a woman named Byron. Katie. It's called the Work. You might have heard of it. It's. It's a great way of reframing and getting underneath and behind some of these emotions that attach to the stories that you tell yourself. So I'll link the practice in the description below. But the thing, the thing you want to start with is write down what's the thought or the story that I'm telling myself about this situation. Maybe, for example, the story is they don't care about me, they don't want to be in this relationship or I've done something wrong. And then the next part is, can you absolutely know that that's true? Which is where you challenge this thought. Is it 100% true? Do you know fact that this thought is true? And most of the time, 80% of the time it's no, I can't really know for sure that it's true. And even just acknowledging that from the start releases some of the pressure and the tension that it's creating. The next level to the inquiry, it's called self inquiry, the next level of it is what happens when I believe that thought, meaning what happens in your body when you start to believe in this thought that you're telling yourself. And then you would list all these things down. I get anxious, I get overwhelmed, I get confused, I get disconnected, I feel afraid. You write all those emotions down. And then after that, and again, remember this, the space that you're creating through this process of self reflection is going to help you disentangle yourself from the stories and the emotions. And you get to look at it from a sense of observation underneath. After that, you're then going to write who would I be without this thought? And then all of a sudden that's when you get to play with the secure version of you, the version of you is free, who is connected, who is light, who is at ease, who is calm, who is regulated. And then you get to look at what are some examples in my life that prove that, that, that show to me that I am this person. And then now you're overriding the old, the negative based thought patterns and programming in positive based thought and patterns to anchor in this new state that you are okay. And then the final step in the process with Byron, Katie, is, is you just reverse, you create a reversal. So when if the old thought was I'm doing something wrong, the new thought is I'm doing something right. Or if the old thought is they don't care about me, the new thought is they care so much about me, you're just reversing all these negative thoughts by creating the positive opposite. Remember, in life, everything is polarity. There's a right to every wrong and a wrong to every right. So if you're stuck in negative thinking, you can balance that out by finding what's the complimentary opposite of this thought. And this is the case for everything in the known universe. There's a positive and a negative for everything. So if you want to neutralize an emotional state that you're in, don't chase the high, just chase the next thing that's going to balance out and bring you back to neutral. And sometimes the simple act of going this self inquiry process will just neutralize your negative state back into a place of regulation. And then you can start to entertain these new thoughts. You know what, maybe I'm free, maybe I'm safe, maybe I am secure. And then you go, what are all the examples in the past that I can pull up right now that would anchor in or prove to me that that's actually true. So remember that it's your thinking that will sometimes determine your feeling. And if you allow unconscious thoughts that go unchecked, they'll keep pulling you back into old ways of operating, old behaviors that actually push away the things that you want. It will push the things you want away. So bring that self awareness into how you think and be very intentional and selective with the thoughts and the stories that you tell yourself. And then through this practice, you can anchor in these new emotions and these new emotions will create this new state of being that when you bring that to your relationships and you bring that to your interactions with people who are maybe in this avoidant attachment style, then they're going to much more invited. They're going to feel that invitation to want to open up to you more. And of course, you know, if they've been cold with you and, or they've been distant for a period of time and you're like, you know, I kind of, I don't think you're not letting me into your world. That's when you can start to bring these things up, which is, hey, you know what, how about we have an agreement here. The next time you're feeling overwhelmed emotionally or you know, you're wanting to pull away that just, just let me know, just tell me it's no big deal. I would just appreciate some communication in our relationship. You're well within your right to do that. But when it comes from love instead of fear, the way it's received is totally different. And that's what I'm wanting to impart onto you with some of these practices I've given is when you then make those requests, they're going to be like, fuck, you know what, you're right, I can do that. I want to do that. I want to step up to this level too. And then you're inviting them to step into this new level of security to match your new frequency that you're bringing. And I guarantee it, you're going to start to see some really powerful changes and ultimately you'll get to transcend this anxious, avoidant, push, pull dynamic that you might be stuck in. Ultimately, if you want some more direct support with these kinds of things. I have an online community that I created just for couples and for people in relationships. Also, if you're single, to get the tools, the guidance, the accountability with using some of these practices and some of these principles I've just shared in this video to lead and to feel and operate from security in your relationship. You can click the link in the description to learn more about that. But ultimately, my friend, I want to reassure you that if you're taking this knowledge, you've taken this information, then there's a shift in energy that's already happening. And all you get to reassure yourself of is is just step back. If you ever notice the fear coming up, all these old ways coming up, give yourself the space to step back, to self reflect, to use these practices where you self inquire, challenge some of the thoughts, or give yourself the space to feel into the fear and actually love it and allow it. Just trust that by looking at these things and being willing to look at them, instead of avoiding, numbing or suppressing, by willing to look at these aspects of you, they will eventually dissolve in the light of your presence. And when they do that, underneath it is wholeness, is security, is unconditional love for yourself that will free you from any attachment to anyone outside of you. And once you access that, I said, your relationship will go to a whole new level of depth and you'll get to receive in a way you've never received before. All right, my friend, that's all from this video. I look forward to seeing you in the next one.