17 Years | A Look Back: Habits That Keep Couples Together

Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in. Welcome back to the show. This weekend was a special weekend because my co-host and I, Ashley, celebrated our 17-year wedding anniversary. So that was fun.

Yeah, it's a lot of years.

It is a couple years. So we decided to go through 17 years of memories that stuck out to us and habits that we've done over the years to optimize more together than drift apart. Something I state a lot is that tendency of a lot of things to drift apart, to go into decay. So relationally, it works the same way. And so if you don't intentionally swim upstream in whatever way you can, then the consequence is naturally drifting apart. And that's something we hear more and more as certain marriages around us have not stood the test of time and in that 15 to 25 year mark have fallen away. And so this is something that we think is important to look back and reflect on over the years. So one of the first things that came to mind in our college time was doing car drives together. So we live in a pretty small community and in the college we went to, it wasn't co-ed. So the only time we could spend time together a lot of times was in the car. So We would hop in the car. I'm a car guy at heart anyway, and we would just drive a big circle around the city. And, uh, that would be time that we could decompress. We could talk, get to know each other, and also just reflect on our weeks, our classes, and whatever else. Ashley, what do you remember about those times? Yeah.

Um, I think what's fun about that is it kind of set the foundation for us of something that has carried itself through all, all of these years. Together, and we still enjoy car rides together. You know, it's, it's been an opportunity for some of the deepest, best conversations we've had, um, have happened in the car because it's a lot more focused time together, um, unless you're going to bust out your phone. And a lot of the places we tend to drive, you have no service, so you, you talk to each other, right? And so, um, we've been able to plan for the future and share our hopes and our dreams. We've even like bought the fun little like conversation starter cards that have questions on them. And so we'll take those on a drive with us and ask each other questions, um, and that sparks conversation that just continues, you know. I feel like anytime that we do that, like, we learn something about each other even after all of this time. And so I think there's just something about that car time together that we have just so enjoyed. Now, we are not like road trip car people. Like, some people are like, we're gonna drive like 9, 12 hours. Like, That so much we don't enjoy. But you know, the like 3 to 5 hour, like that's, that's a good amount of time for us. But just, yeah, just time to enjoy, relax, safe space. You're not distracted, you know, a million other things, especially if you go drive through places that have no service, which is sometimes kind of nice.

Yeah. And I've heard a therapist say that time in the car also can be valuable time for conflict resolution, because it's a little bit more disarming than having a conversation face to face. And so Especially early on in our marriage, I remember having a lot of those discussions in the car because they were easier. We weren't 100% over some of the baggage that we had early on in our marriage. And so having those more difficult discussions where we weren't face to face can be a little bit more disarming in the car. So if that's something that you've never tried, it can be really, really valuable.

Yeah, absolutely. Figuring out how to have— actually being able to broach topics and conversations in the car that are harder maybe when you're sitting like across from each other, or— and it's inevitable that somebody's going to try to start up some some conversation like right before bed. I even tried to do that the other night and you're like, really? We're gonna talk about this right now? Like, no, we're not talking about this right now. Right? So the car can be a time to resolve some of that conflict or, or get into something that maybe has been like underlying going on that you haven't had the time or the, the energy or the space to have a conversation about. But the car can be a great way to do that.

And then as you and I were talking off camera, we also talked about memories of starting hard things together. And so Tough Mudder came up, you know, we've done that a couple times early on. I think the first time was 2014. Is that right?

That sounds right. Yeah, back in 2014. And we did it with a set of friends. We actually did it because a friend of ours was like, hey, we should do this. And we're both like, no, we're not gonna do this. And then I think what happened is you said, oh, I'll do it if this person will do it. And sure enough, that person was like, I'll do it. So here we all are. But what it did was it gave us a goal and something to focus on training towards. And then also to like work together as a team. One of the pictures that I found as we were going back through things was there was a, a partner like burden, like a partner carry, and it required the females to carry the males for a certain amount of time, like a certain distance. And there's a picture of me with you on my back, like a piggyback, like trying to run and trying to carry you. Because I think— I don't remember all the details, but, you know, just one of those things of like we had to train and we had to work on that and we had to do really hard things together. And that took encouraging each other, that maybe a little bit of handholding and maybe a little bit of coaxing to do something that you were afraid of or to go, hey, you've got this, you can do this. Yeah, some really fun, fun memories around Tough Mudder.

Absolutely. And that kind of forged this thought of doing hard things together. That again, just like the car, car trips have been something that is a common thread throughout the relationship. And then also travel started working its way in there. Even when we were— I know a lot of times people look at how often we travel and they have certain thoughts in their head, but definitely early on, you know, shortly after college there, we, we found ways to travel that were super strict on a budget. I remember our first vacation, we saved for over a year. To prepare for it, and it felt really good to finally go on that vacation and in how we viewed it a responsible way. All right, but that you know so from anniversary trips to Colorado to visiting family in Italy that so we didn't have to pay for housing. Just trying to do clever things like that, especially early on when we wanted to be able to see the world. But you know we're financially limited. Where there's a will, there's a way. When you have the patience to plan it and do so in clever, responsible ways, you can you can see incredible parts of the world, and that's just. something that we have been intentional about in investing in experiences, right? To borrow Glenn Lundy's distinction between spending time and money and investing time and money into experiences were, at least for me, something that I have distinct memories throughout the early, middle, and current times of our marriage that are associated with trips. How does that work for you?

Yeah, I mean, obviously, like, we, we do love to travel and we've had the pleasure and privilege of Going so many incredible places and seeing some of the most amazing things and such different things, you know, all, all over the world. But I think for us, like, we've learned a lot about ourselves and about each other during that travel, you know, because you're, you're gonna be jet-lagged, you're gonna be tired, you're gonna be hot, you're gonna be hungry, you're gonna— your feet are gonna hurt, you're gonna have a myriad of things going on, you know. Even let's say like you just go to Disney for a day, like you can experience all of those emotions at Disney for a day. You don't have to leave the country to have all of those experiences. You can take a small trip and still have all of those emotions and all of those things depending on what you pack into that. And so we've had to learn how to communicate under pressure. We've had to learn how to know, like, hey, this person is overwhelmed. It's your turn to step up. They're done. We've had to navigate that. We've had to navigate transportation in another country, in another language, missing—

Mm.

trains and having to pivot and figure out how we're going to, you know, find the next train for the next— get to where we needed to be at. Um, you know, we've navigated crazy weather and feet being exhausted and tired and trying to adjust, things getting canceled and having to pivot, and so many different things that we've experienced, you know, on, on those different trips. But like the life lessons and, and the things that we learn, you know, I remember looking back on one of our last big trips and it was, you know, yes, it was to an incredible place. But it was incredibly stressful and we came home so weary and tired and we learned a lot on that trip. But also like we're able to reflect during that trip, like had we not been working on our mindset and had we not been working on finding joy in every circumstance, always that trip would've been even harder.

Mm-hmm.

And would've come home even more exhausted and tired and probably mad at each other. Right? If we hadn't have been doing those daily things. And so I think trips can be a way to like figure out what you're really made of, good or bad, you know? And depends on the kind of trip that you take. You know, we also tend to take trips that are very physically, um, that push us a lot. Listen, I love the beach and to sit and relax as much as the next girl, but I only want to do that like once every Other year. Like, I don't want to do that all the time. Like, I want to go see and do things. And so we tend to pick things that are physically hard. Like, we're either going to a national park and we're hiking, or we are going to another country and we're walking 10 miles a day, or, you know, whatever that looks like. We pick those physically hard things, but that's something that we love. And, you know, we, we look back and reflect on those times and just how much we got to see and how much we got to do because that's the choices that we made.

For sure. And that leads into the next part that we had discussed earlier is the health journey and the habits that we've built over time, right? I think, you know, we listed out several things of building date nights, the daily decompressions and brain dumps that we get to do because we're fortunate enough to work in the same place. So we, we drive home together and that time in the car is really nice to decompress and have the shop talk. And then the moment we walk in the front door, um, usually unless something crazy or really stressful happened, then we get to to leave that at the door, which is pretty cool, I have to say. Going to sleep at the same time, this wasn't something that we always did. You know, I had early in our marriage, I was a gamer, and so I stayed up late, and that was the time that I could play that it didn't interfere with time between you, with you and I.

Mm-hmm.

But at the same time though, it still took something away that we didn't go to bed at the same time. And that's something that I realized that I wanted. That's not, if that works for you, cool. It was just for me, it was able to take that and ratchet that up when I gave up gaming regularly, then That was something that, that we got back. And I thought that trade was worth it for us.

Mm-hmm.

The gym habit. So I've been, I've been going to the gym since college. And you joined years after. And so I remember the difference between going daily by myself, and then being joined by you. That was a different dynamic, was building that habit of health and fitness together. And then Optimizing our food choices. I remember a lot of the food that we would eat and cook at home, it was great, but not always great for you.

Mm-hmm.

And then that shift over the years, again, like these slow changes over time of like, hey, maybe we should eliminate this and can we swap out this for that? And, you know, you figuring out your journey with gluten intolerance and all of these things, the shifting that over, higher quality ingredients, And more whole foods versus processed foods. I remember all of those changes. And again, some of those are across 5, 10 years of changes. And so, it's funny looking back at photos now of like maybe the dinners that we made or the things that we used to eat on a weekly basis totally changed. And there's obviously so many more habits that we've built together from, you know, the gratitude and devotionals and prayer and those kinds of things that we've talked about in previous episodes and went into more detail. But I think those habits, building those habits together, finding interests that you both love together, are an important piece of essentially bringing you two together and maintaining that over time. It functions like a glue, if you want to use certain metaphors. I think that is a super understated and an important part of a marriage. Because I find so often that people will say, well, you know, he does his thing. And, you know, I do my thing. And I hear the way people talk about it. And that's not to say that you can't have separate interests and take part in those, obviously. So, you know, like, and I know sometimes guys and girls are kind of disappointed that their spouse isn't into a certain hobby or a certain thing that they enjoy. But that, again, that doesn't mean that you can't find one that you both do love. I think that's important. So if for any ones that you have that you can't come together on, what's one that you can, and then to do that regularly, I think is super critical.

Yeah, those habits have been interesting to figure out how to build together, right? So I don't need as much sleep as what you do. And so that's That's been a fun thing for us to figure out, going to bed at the same time. And so, you know, we figured out how to do that where I'm able to lay in bed and read with my Kindle and you've got your eye mask on. And so like when, once I'm tired, like I can go to sleep. And so for us to figure out, you know, what does that look like to still be able to go to bed together? Because that became really important for us to wind down at the same time, you know, together.

Mm-hmm.

And figuring out what that looks like. You know, when it comes to the food journey, as the one that does a lot of the cooking, that's one that we've really had to work on together. Um, and there, I will admit, there are times I've been pretty stubborn about like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to give this up. I don't want to have to measure everything I throw into a bowl. Like, I want to just be able to dump and cook and just not have to worry about it. But at the same time— Yeah, exactly. But at the same time, I'm like, No, this is saying that like, this is the thing that he has chosen. And now, you know, I'm, I'm back to tracking my food and making sure that I'm actually eating enough. Turns out I wasn't eating enough food. So ladies, you might want to take a crack at that because turns out I wasn't eating nearly enough for my physical level of activity. And so, um, you know, in tracking that and realizing like, okay, here's how to build an actually more balanced meal and to make sure that we're getting all of the carbs, the protein, the fat in a balanced, healthy kind of a way. And so that's just been a journey, honestly, seriously, over the 17 years. So like pivoting and shifting and finding new ways. And we've eaten 27 different kinds of diet food things and, and, you know, just always kind of come back to whole foods, whole grains, least— little as processed as possible. And so that's just been a journey to learn how to figure out and how to make that food taste incredible, because that's something that you can do. It just takes And practice and patience. And so those have just been really fun habits to build together. Um, like you said, looking back at pictures, you're like, oh wow, okay, you know, we really have come a really long way. Like sometimes I think like, oh man, I think, you know, maybe we really haven't done that much, or maybe, um, you know, maybe I'm not, I'm not as far along on this part of my journey as I think that I am. And then you start to look back and you go, oh nope, just kidding, sure am. And so, um, you know, that's, that's been one of the fun things that we've kind of done over the last couple days is, is looking back over Over lots of different parts of our journey together. And so, you know, and for us, like these habits that we'd built actually kind of came— kind of where the rubber met the road for us was, you know, when I dislocated my elbow from a UTV accident back in 2020. And it was like I needed help with everything. And so we had to learn how to communicate in a different way than we'd ever had to communicate before, right? Like I needed help with with everything. So how could we, how could we figure that out? And, um, you know, even like, I don't know how, how I washed my hair. Like, that was not everything that you ever needed to know, right? So like, we had to figure those things out. And then because I did a lot of the cooking, it was like, oh, I have to sit at the kitchen counter and think about how I do this and tell you how I do this. So learning to communicate, it really changed our communication style and in the way in which that we relied on each other, actually. In that. And, you know, for the mindset, again, had I not been working on these things ahead of that, like, it could have been such a different journey for us in, in that. But I actually think like that was an opportunity in that for like you to live out your vows that way and, and, and to take care of in that, um, sickness and in health kind of a moment. And for us to really like pause and evaluate and learn to communicate in a different way that this many years down the line has only served us so, so well. While I don't You know, that kind of pain? No, thank you. Never again. But I wouldn't trade the season that came after that and the lessons that we learned after that. Um, I had a conversation with somebody even a few weeks ago of like, the lessons that we learn and who we become is not forged in the easy. It is only forged in the hard and in the valley. And so wouldn't necessarily wanna do it again, but I'm grateful for, for that.

Yeah, and I sent you a quote yesterday actually that I feel like buttons this up too. It says, tough times don't last, but tough people do, right? And so again, like a lot of the things that we've practiced have been rubber met the road is a good way to put that in that time. And also, you know, let's not shy away from the fact the UTV accident, I was driving, right? So anyone who's ever been in any sort of accident, even, you know, car accident, whatever, and you were the one driving, there's that feeling of guilt and all that associated with that, that you have to wrestle through, um, in battling, like, I hurt her. This is the person I care most about. And, and the result of that is they're, they're now injured and now they have to recover. They can't do a lot of really anything that they want to do. And so there was definitely a huge mental battle for me. I know also for you of, yeah, yeah, I was the one driving. Was I being irresponsible and those kinds of things? And so I think on both ends we had to wrestle through those things. And then also, I mean, there's a theme of loss that we reflected on in our, in our marriage from, I mean, just job losses early on in our marriage. There were early and throughout the middle ones that we didn't plan on for both of us. And then also, the Joplin tornado in 2011 was a, was a pretty big loss. I lost a job in that scenario because it was wiped off the face of the planet. And then And the community suffered massive loss in assets and even some people in that scenario. And that was really, really tough season for this community here.

Yep.

And then also just losing people throughout. We lost my mom. We moved her in with us when she wasn't able to be on her own anymore. And she lived with us for about a decade. And then we lost her about 2 years ago. And that was a different kind of tough. She was in our home for so long and then, there was this emptiness that was there. And then just even recent losses of close friends of ours that were double-decade relationships. And managing that is different. You know, everyone handles grief differently, sometimes internal, sometimes external. Grief comes inconveniently at different times. And, you know, it's described as waves often. That's pretty accurate. So managing that is unique and different. But in that, Knowing that you're both in it together and experiencing that someone is in your corner, right? Like, one important thing is knowing that you're not in it alone. And with the marriage covenant in that partnership, it is a super strong thing that I always find peace in, in visualizing it's us against the world, us against whatever's going on, us against any problem, and then even us against any trial or suffering. And so That always helps me when I'm having a hard time, you know, when I'm not okay. And so that loss or trial or hardship is something that hits everybody. And that's when, that's when character is tested. That's when resilience is tested. And you know, how can you bounce back? How can you keep moving forward instead of folding and giving up? So.

Yeah, absolutely. Loss probably is the one thing right now that has kind of been towards the forefront of our lives in the last 90 days, really. And so, you know, Both of us, it's it's been probably more obvious in this season of losing people how differently that we handle grief and how differently that we do grieve. And so, you know, we've had to we've had to process and talk and be empathetic to each other and actually like learn to go okay I this is where I'm at today and this is what I'm thinking this is what I'm feeling like you know and learning to actually communicate those emotions in a healthy way. You know for me like. I'm handling it very differently than you are, but to not be mad at you that you're handling it differently. Like, I could, I could be really frustrated that you're having a different response to this than I am, but that, that realization of like, okay, no, it's— we just, we're two very different people and that's okay. And, and then knowing, like, honestly, genuinely knowing when it's a— when it's time to ask for help, of like, hey, I need help outside of this to process that, and to, to acknowledge that, you know, you may need Someone outside of your marriage for that help. Like, know when that's time to do that and go and do that. Go make that appointment, go talk to that friend, whatever that, that looks like. You know, don't always carry that, that burden completely on your own. Knowing when to ask for help is so important, and we're all so bad at knowing when to do that. Stop and figure out if, if it's time to say, hey, I, I need help processing this. This is a lot. I'm feeling overwhelmed and it's too much. So who, who can I ask for help?

You're absolutely right. And, and I, in looking back through all this, it was a big theme that kept coming to the forefront of ways That we continued to find to grow together. And there's multiple ways that you can do that. It's unique to a lot of people, but the themes are similar. Like, it may be different activity, but finding something you can both, you know, so like there are parallels that you can pull out of this that can apply to you and your unique situation. And it's really something, again, of that analogy of doing nothing takes you down the current of the river. A lot of times that's towards things that you don't necessarily want, drifting apart, breaking down and things like that versus the intentionality of swimming upstream or paddling upstream and getting to places where that effort is worth the result, the destination, and really can be fruitful. Because if you talk to people who are older that have marriages that you look up to, most of the time they'll tell you things like that marriage is hard, but it's worth it. And it's worth the time, the effort, the investment, the forgiveness, the resilience, All of that tension and friction that it takes to get to the other side of all of those times. That's just a common thread that you hear the wiser, more experienced people say. And so can't be a coincidence. It's something that we're discovering is very true at year 17. And here's to another 17. I'm super excited to do that.

Yeah, I echo what, what you said, like, you have to be intentional, and you have to put effort into making a marriage or really any relationship work. It can just be so easy to just allow life to just take you where it will and to not do that, you know. And genuinely, like, if we were to look back, we would say we've had those seasons. Like, we've just— we've had— we've had times of just allowing life to kind of take us. And for something will happen and we'll all of a sudden go, oh, we're not— we're not being intentional. Okay, back to— and it— but it takes both of us, and it takes both of us at different times, right? Like, there's gonna be seasons that I'm gonna be more aware of what— what's going on, and I'm gonna be more intentional. And Being like, hey, I'm planning this date night, or hey, I'm gonna do this, or hey, I'm gonna do this. And then there's gonna be seasons you're gonna be like, okay, we have not spent any time at home together. Like, we cannot go anywhere, right? Like, when's our next free time? Like, we have to balance each other and, and figure that out and, and both work to make it a priority. It can't just be one of you trying to drag the boat upstream. It's not going to work. You have to do it together. Being intentional and being aware, and then also like looking genuinely for ways to serve one another. I think That's the biggest thing that for us has been genuinely one of the, the biggest blessings, honestly, is that, you know, when you're always looking for ways to serve and be kind and to take care of the other person because you want to, right?

Mm-hmm.

I want to help take care of you and you want to take care of me. We just do it in 2 very different ways because 2 different skill sets, 2 different ways that we're wired, but learning to serve and take care of each other Um, and to put the other person first, um, has given us so many blessings and so much return on that investment that, yeah, like, I— you're the person I want to spend my time with. You're the person I want to hang out with. You're the person I want to take trips with, right? And so, but we didn't get there by accident. And so—

Mm-hmm.

I'm so grateful for these last 17 years. And, um, you know, it's been really fun to like look back through photos and reflect and just kind of do that a little bit differently than we ever have before going in, going into this this recording. And so that's been really fun. And so I'm grateful for you and thankful for our marriage and for the last 17 years. And I'm excited for many more.

100%. Absolutely. And I hope you enjoyed this look back into our marriage celebrating our special weekend. And as always, thanks for listening to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. Remember, growth happens when you take action. So subscribe, share this with a friend, and most importantly, Put what you learned into practice, because as we know, daily anything changes everything.