Understanding Isn't Healing: Why Explaining Your Past Doesn't Fix It — and What Actually Does

Now I feel like I owe my listeners an apology, and that is because I've avoided the topic of optimizing about children and kids because, to be honest with you, I don't have any kids. Ashley and I aren't able to, and that's something we've known for a very long time. She found out when she was 16. Now, because of that reality, it's made me gun-shy to discuss this topic on the podcast, even though almost doing this for an entire year. I'm very passionate about helping people improve their mindset and overcome their limitations and their false beliefs. And consequently, a lot of those things are formed from their childhood. Not to just blame your parents for everything, but we know in those formative years, a lot of things are stemmed from those moments. So because of that, I'm really passionate about helping people heal from those things and also in their parenting, share my perspectives on what I've learned from healing from my past and helping others do the same. So let's get into it. Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing lessons, ideas, and strategies Strategies that sharpen your thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in. Okay, so like I said in the intro, we don't have any kids. So why am I even qualified or passionate or care about talking about this? Well, like I said earlier, all of our childhoods are formative in our views that we have of ourselves, How we view other people, and even how we view a figure like God. And so those are things that people carry on into their adult lives and can have massive implications on how they interact with the world. Now, for me personally, I got about halfway through my master's program in marriage and family therapy until my career took a different turn. And so I learned a lot in my 20s about particularly cognitive behavioral therapy. And when I transitioned to a different direction in my career, initially it was tempting to believe that that was a waste of time. But I will tell you, those skills and those things that I learned in that were so valuable in the workplace, in personal relationships, and even leadership later on. Since then, I've done my own work personally in realizing what types of false beliefs were laying under the surface for many, many years and the lessons that I learned from that experience. And then over the last 4 years, I've worked closely with college kids every semester in a group therapy session in helping them look at their past and see how their childhood, their development shaped their views of themselves and others and how that allowed of times holds them back and keeps them in unwanted behaviors that make them feel stuck. And on top of that, foster feelings of shame, self-loathing, and so much more. So out of those things, this is why this topic is passionate and close to my heart. Generally, I don't give out parenting advice, quotation marks, unless asked, because I, again, I don't feel as qualified as other people in certain contexts to have conversations about this. At the very same time, I have a unique skillset that I've developed over many years of intentional focus in helping others walking through this journey myself, and of course my formal schooling back in my 20s. So what I'd like to share with you today is specifically a concept that I remember going through with my therapist when we were walking through these things, in that when you become aware of particular moments in your childhood, particularly that you could label as traumatic— I know trauma is like becoming a cliché now with people using it for all sorts of things, from things that are very serious to things that are seemingly not so much compared to those things. But nevertheless, when you look back and you see those things, one thing that I've found a lot of adults do is once they become aware of those things, the things they've been wanting to avoid or not think about, or those experiences that have cast a dark shadow across their adulthood, is that once they are willing to stop being avoidant about it to begin with, and they're able to look back at it, then they can start to dissect it and really utilize adult logic in how they unpack and interpret that experience. And a lot of times it can help them understand the why. Something happened. But unfortunately, logic alone a lot of times ends up being really incomplete in the healing process. So you hear a lot of people saying things like, well, my dad did the best he could. I know why my mom was this way. Like, now looking back, I can see the things that she was wrestling with, and it only makes sense that she was this way or that she treated me that way, or she responded to certain things in this manner. And on the one hand, I don't want to make that sound like that's not a good thing. In those realizations of realizing why people do certain things, it can really help in the forgiveness journey when it comes to forgiving someone else for the things that you experienced. A lot of parents out there will make jokes when their kids go to therapy and go, oh great, let me guess, it's all my fault. That's kind of the expectation that you'll go back and figure out all the things that your parents did horribly and messed you up and then, and then look to blame them and then somehow you'll be fine. And that's terrible, really. And when I work with my college kids, it's, it's an interesting dynamic because everyone's different. But you start to see commonalities that afflict certain people and certain categories. So as a general rule, if you had parents that loved you, it's also guaranteed that they hurt you in some way. And that's because we're all human, we all make mistakes, and none of us are at our best all the time. And so we just have to realize that that's a fact. So let's establish that baseline. And so when I work with college kids who have good parents, there are some that still have an amazing relationship with their parents. And then the other side can have strained relationships with their parents. But let's focus on the first one. Now, this category is very interesting because I find them wrestling the most with feeling guilt by looking back on the things that their parents did and how it affected them. Sometimes I hear them say things like, man, like, but I love my parents and I don't wanna blame them. And they almost feel guilty for recognizing the moments of responsibility their parents had in shaping those moments that weren't necessarily the best. And so in those moments, when we go through the curriculum, we talk about recognizing those moments of responsibility and the things that they contributed to those moments, that that isn't the same as casting 100% blame on those scenarios to their parents. And looking to have them essentially be a scapegoat for all those things. That's not what we're after. But also recognizing this tension that our parents may have loved us, but they also hurt us. And so that boils down to a simple phrase that we talk about a lot when I work with these college students, is that we are hurt in relationships and we are also healed in relationships. And that's a super powerful thing to understand when you're going back and you're looking at these kinds of things. But this cerebral knowledge and understanding of those moments is typically the first step And we talk about, you know, the things you know in your mind and then the things you know in your heart and how a lot of times you can understand something cerebrally first before understanding it in your heart. That's kind of that same idea. So when you go back and you're willing to relive and really put yourself in a, in a situation from the past to see what, what things that you can potentially learn from it. If there are other people involved in those wounds, in those moments, then a lot of times you'll understand it first. From a logical, analytical standpoint. You start to think and say things like, yeah, I can understand why they said that. All those phrases we talked about earlier. But here's the reality. Understanding that is super helpful. It can help you understand that context, that moment. It goes along with that principle that you never know what somebody's going through. And when you realize most of us are so fixated on ourselves, we don't always become aware of what other people are dealing with. And when they're dealing with something really hard, they may lash out. They may be, again, not the best versions of themselves. And that can be hurtful, even as an Let alone a child. And so the first idea is understanding isn't the same thing as healing. I think it's an essential step, but I think it's an early step in understanding what transpired and then potentially some of the whys behind it. Sometimes you can have a good conversation with those people from the past and you can gain some understanding from them. A lot of times it's more of an exercise with yourself and maybe in a group therapy session or potentially with your therapist one-on-one, and you can work with them to understand potentially why someone did the things that they did based on context clues and things like that. And you can kind of understand this when you look back and you realize that even though you can explain, say, your dad's actions and maybe even motives completely accurately, you're going to be pretty aware that you're not fully healed from it if it still makes you respond a certain way to others, or maybe even to him, or in circumstances similarly. And that just shows that there's still some work to be done. And a funny analogy I like to use to illustrate this point is that when When you have a significant relationship, usually it's with your significant other. And let's say they're upset about something. A lot of times this dynamic is described when the wife is upset about something and discussing it with her husband. And what is the joke that the husbands do more often than not? They try to fix it, right? And you get this whole question of like, well, do you want me to fix it or do you want me to just listen? And comedians make jokes about this all the time because it is just a funny part of relationships that when anyone is faced with a frustration, a problem, an issue, they're not always interested in a solution at that particular moment. In fact, like we've talked about in previous episodes, how those kinds of things, to be solution-focused in the midst of a problem, is a learned skill. And so when you're talking to someone else, let's recognize it for what it is, complaining about that, since that other person isn't in the scenario, that doesn't mean they're all Sheldon Coopers. I feel like more often than not, people who aren't in it with you can sometimes feel like maybe it's not as big of a deal as you And if they have the emotional intelligence not to try to fix it, then they're just waiting for you to be ready to fix it. But let's take that funny thread and let's pull it a little deeper. Have you ever been with someone who's upset and you go straight to logic and you explain to them all the reasons why they shouldn't be upset, whether it's with you or with somebody else? Tell me how often that's worked. More often than not, I would bet it has not. Trust me, I've tried it and it is no bueno. It does not work. And it's because in those moments, logic and analytics aren't enough, especially when someone is hurt. They could be totally wrong in their perception. Maybe they misunderstood a scenario or they perceived the situation incorrectly, and that's what led to them being upset. But even then, explaining to them all the reasons why their emotions should be invalid does not make them vanish. And in the same way, going back to your past and explaining all the different whys and reasons why you shouldn't have been hurt back then, especially as a child, and And this is where I think it gets really powerful in the realization that you were just a kid in those moments. And so it may be difficult for people to have grace for themselves instead of what I call throwing the contempt backwards. Let me explain that real quick. So, so often people look at the scenarios of when they were hurt when they were a child and they get rather aggressive with themselves. Now, there's usually other things involved, like there's usually shame involved and a very high measure of self-loathing in that equation. And that doesn't help anyone. So them looking back at their past and seeing all the things that hurt them, going through that short first step of understanding, can actually make the contempt and the frustration with their younger self even worse and have them view things like— I think we all know we say, we say the worst things to ourselves that we would never repeat to another human being, right? So let's, let's operate under that premise. And so people will look back and see the ways that they got their feelings hurt, and they'll be like, man, you pansy. Like, Your dad was just trying to make you better. Like, why did that hurt your feelings? Why did you make such a big deal about it? Just grow up. Things like that. Have you ever said something like that to yourself? I know I have. And so people tend to take that contempt and really scold themselves like a stupid child. Like, man, you're such an idiot for being that way, for looking at it that way. And then they use logic to try to explain away in the same way they would do that to, like we just talked about with a spouse that like, well, you shouldn't have been upset 'cause that doesn't even make sense and you're ridiculous. Now I get it. For some people, they're like, Man, I don't, I don't know why I have to get so touchy-feely about all this. But a therapist will try to help you view this and have some compassion with your younger self because it's just a kid. So if you run across a kid who got his feelings hurt, you would, I would venture to say, you would probably talk to that kid, if it was a real kid, in a more compassionate, understanding way that you would have a conversation with an adult. So that's an interesting question. Psychology shares that when people encounter moments of trauma in their youth, that a lot of times that particular moment in time is frozen Frozen at that age. So that explains why a 35-year-old could fly off the handle and act really childish in certain categories of scenarios and situations, because those moments can bump up against those wounds that have been unresolved and remain festering in a psychological sense. And when people bump up against those wounds in those scenarios, that causes them to have reactions, not responses, but reactions that are stemming from those wounds. And unfortunately, this just makes the self-loathing shame spiral even worse because people start to get kind of embarrassed, especially if they're self-aware that they're behaving childish. They start asking themselves questions like, gosh, man, why, why is this affecting me this way? Why am I so sensitive? Why can't I just shake this off? And it is because of unresolved trauma. Now, in my episode with Kevin Wiseman, who's an amazing therapist in this area, he mentioned and reframed trauma that in a way I had never heard. And it was that trauma isn't always something bad that happens, although obviously it can be. But he also mentioned that trauma can also be something really good that could have happened but didn't. And this kind of goes into the broken expectations standpoint. Sometimes kids are excited that something's going to happen and then it doesn't. And then that becomes an unmet need that maybe nobody knew about. But that doesn't mean, like we said earlier, that it's any less real. And I remember one thing that was powerful for me when I was going through this journey of digging through the past and trying to figure out what was left unresolved, what wounds are still there that need attention, that need dressed. One common thing that you hear is time heals all wounds. And it's like, no, actually, medically, that's a terrible piece of advice, right? Like a well-dressed, clean wound, sure. But not one that's like you slice yourself on a metal barbed wire and you're like, man, time heals all wounds. Yeah, no, you might need an amputation after a little bit, some lockjaw, some good stuff. So the argument is emotional wounds are similar. And so if you don't deal with these, they will fester underneath the surface for many, many years, decades even, and will affect how you view yourself— shame, self-loathing, insecurity, anxiety, depression— and also affect how you view others— codependency, fear of abandonment, those kinds of things. Sound familiar? Ever have anything like that? Maybe it's just me. I don't know. So my therapist had me watch a movie, Disney's The Kid with Bruce Willis. It's a great movie. And the illustration in that movie, if you haven't seen it, I won't spoil it for you. But the main idea that you would see in the trailer is Bruce Willis encounters a younger version of himself as a child. And he is pretty irritated with this interruption in his life. And he's kind of a huge jerk. But there's a moment in the film where he encounters tough moments that his younger self experiences. And he is challenged with reacting versus responding in how he treats the young man in the story. It's pretty powerful and definitely worth a watch. If you want to watch a more modern version of this movie, if you're like, man, this sounds really familiar. I think I've seen this in another context. You probably have because Ryan Reynolds' Adam Project was a very similar idea, just in a more modern kind of a sci-fi situation where Ryan was in the presence of his younger self and experienced all the similar feelings of frustration, annoyance, Dismissiveness, and so on. And the lesson that was packed in this was, can you look at your younger self when you were wounded, when you were hurt, and have a conversation and approach that younger self in the same way you would if you had an actual literal hurting child in front of you? Would you be capable of being empathetic and understanding in that moment and walk yourself through validating those feelings? I can understand how you feel that way. And really recognize those things for what they really were at the time. and how you perceive them in your 7-year-old universe. And that's why I think those steps are further along in the healing process for a lot of people. And I think this is where 2 things can be true at the same time. We talked about those college students who have amazing relationships with their parents and start to recognize ways that their parents failed them in their youth, and they feel conflicted and almost feel guilty that they're blaming their parents or somehow putting something on them that they don't deserve. When in reality, 2 things can totally be true. People that love you can absolutely hurt you. And I think that's a reality most of us know. But sometimes when you're looking at it in that way, it can cause a significant amount of guilt in trying to feel like you're somehow putting it all on them or blaming them for whatever. But we just finished talking about how logic is incomplete and contempt is completely useless in looking at the past, especially towards yourself. And so it's certainly a rather aggressive scene in Ted Lasso. I believe it is season 3, Episode 11, and it's where Ted's mom comes to visit. And again, there's definitely a language warning when it comes to that scene. You know, by season 3 that Ted is pretty avoidant in talking about his issues. He has come a long way in discussing and sharing that with Sharon, the therapist character. They've gone through their journey of healing when Ted was able to speak about his dad committing suicide and him finding him and how tough that was. But when he engages his mom unexpectedly at the beginning of that episode, you know that they definitely have a tense relationship that is mainly based on not talking about anything real. Both of them have this extreme positivity exterior, and so you get the sense that to each other it was very superficial in that regard, in talking about real hard things. And at the end of the episode, Ted challenges his mom and asks her why she's really there, and he tries to get her to be open and honest. And he goes through this refrain where he says, thank you for being a mother that does certain And then he says, F you, for other things, the things that she didn't share. And so the main idea is that he thanks her for all the things that she did do for him, but he was willing to also be honest with her of the reasons why he was furious with her for not sharing or even acknowledging the suicide of her husband and how it was potentially affecting her son or her. And so I'm sure in most of those circumstances, when a tragedy of that magnitude happens, you hear a lot of parents use language like, well, I have to be strong. I can't show my kids that I'm, I'm having a hard time. And I think when I talk to people that have scenarios like this, or even just hard times, financial difficulty, things like that, the parents have the goal of trying to make things as normal as possible for the kids. And so to somehow not hurt them any more than they already are. This is a protective mechanism and it has good motivations behind it. But unfortunately, I think we all know that sometimes this can be avoidant and not acknowledging what reality Really is. I remember there was a season that when I was a kid, we were homeless. It was across Christmas. And something I remember when we were living in the Salvation Army for a brief period of time, that the staff did everything they could to make things be as normal as possible. And so Ted's describing to his mom that something that would have been beneficial for him, in his opinion, is if she would have been willing to share or again, even acknowledge the tragedy that happened and how it affected the family. It's a really— again, it's a very raw scene. If you are averse to language, I don't know if you would enjoy that scene, but it is an extremely powerful moment in showing that 2 things can be true. You can both appreciate the wonderful things your parents did and also acknowledge the frustrations of their failures and the responsibility that they have in those moments. I think another thing that I've realized that is kind of along these lines, and when I talk to parents that are in their late 20s, sometimes early 30s, they start to recognize when their kids are getting past like 5-ish years old and they're starting to be fully interactive humans that they get to interact with, they start to realize the parallel in certain moments of their childhood with their parents. They start to realize, oh wow, my parents were this age when I went through this. And sometimes it can be a kind of a cathartic experience if you're able to let it, when you realize, man, I certainly don't have everything figured out at, you know, 30, whatever. And then recognizing, oh God, Gosh, when I went through this moment, my parents were 30-something. And if I don't have everything, of course they don't have everything figured out. And that goes alongside with the compassion piece of not only just looking back and not having that contempt with your younger self and calling yourself weak, pathetic, and useless. And I think it also helps to have the compassion with your parents as well in recognizing that yes, of course, they were hopefully doing the best that they could with what they had. And when you're a child, you view your parents as the most incredible people that you know. They obviously have everything figured out. They're the best, awesomest people that you know. And so it's kind of funny talking to parents as they realize those moments. They're like, gosh, man, it makes so much more sense in viewing things in that way. And having that curious, compassionate outlook of your own experience and your own perceptions and how they were valid to you. And then also looking back in compassion to your parents and in their moments where they were trying to do their best and maybe they aced it and maybe they didn't. These relationships are just like every relationship. There is the actual action and then the intent behind it. And unfortunately, we can never know fully someone else's intent unless they tell us. And when you're a kid, you don't get a lot of that commentary from people letting you know their intent and why they did things. A lot of times your parents just tell you, this is how it is, this is how it needs to be. And they don't always have time for an intellectual conversation with you to explain the reasons And that would've probably not been something you were receptive to at that age anyway. So in the college setting, I'm talking to young college-age men who are looking at their past, and we're trying to look at that in what I call a very unique time in history for them. So they can go back and dig about a decade behind and see what they can find and what they can potentially heal from before they have the consequences of having a family, kids, and those kinds of festering wounds can cause consequences where they could potentially lose their family, get a divorce, or even lose their career. So generally I talk to young people looking at their childhood, but also if you're a parent and you're working through those things and you're trying to be aware of your parenting and what you're doing, you're going to be hearing this from a slightly different lens and trying to realize, man, how am I coming across? What am I doing? And I would want to encourage you that if you are well-intentioned and you're trying to do You're not the villain of your child's story, but you will not be exempt from the responsibility and the impact that you have that is not always a positive one. And that's okay. Some of the best parents that I know and I love to watch are the ones that are humble and do know their shortcomings and aren't afraid to apologize to their kids for the things that they do or say. And recognizing those moments where they do fall short and they can come to their kids and have a conversation. And those moments are really cool to watch. witness because you can really see it on the face of those children in those moments, how special that that is for them. So man, what can you do with all this? Now, one thing, if you're not really sure of what moments to look back to, then you're still at step 0. One helpful exercise that you can do is look back at your past and write down your 10 earliest memories, good or bad. Most of the time, and most people I talk to, they tend to lean more bad as far as the total count of 10. And the basic premise The idea behind this is if you remember it, there's likely a reason. And so I remember writing these down. They don't have to be chronological. Just write down all the earliest memories that you have. And then once you have 'em all written down, then you can kind of unpack and look at what happened. Just write down what transpired, the facts. And then the challenge is find that first one in seeing like, what can you understand from this? And here's the intense part. Sometimes the things that you write down are rather silly. I have one that is hilariously silly. But in the moment, it was something that shaped— I want to say it was probably the first time that I felt shame, and it was just an embarrassing moment at a restaurant. But what that moment shaped in me was it made me more guarded, more cautious, and anxiety when I don't know where to go in a place for the first time. Now, when you look at a moment like that, the temptation at first is to look at it, see that it's rather silly, And be like, yeah, next one. This is so stupid. But the fact that I can't go into a new DMV without being stressed out goes back to that moment in walking into that restaurant, not knowing where to go and feeling stupid. And so is that worth any further work? I think so. And so just looking at yourself and saying, that's so dumb, you shouldn't be bothered, move on. If that would've worked, you'd be fine. But I know I wasn't. So putting some additional work in that scenario was worthwhile work for me. So one helpful thing that you can do as you're digging more into it is you can set the explanation aside for just 5 minutes. You're not throwing it out. It's valid. Maybe it shouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe you shouldn't have viewed it that way. Maybe it was a misunderstanding or just the way you perceived it. But remember, you were a child, you didn't know any better, and that was your reality. And that reality can still be your current reality and affect you in similar ways today. So one helpful question you can ask yourself when you're setting that rationale, that logic aside for a second. We're going to ask ourselves a feeling question. So Sheldon Cooper, stretch that brain a little bit. And that question is, how did that feel when I was at that age? And just think about it. Sometimes it's like the fog of war where it was so long ago and it was shrouded in such frustration and shame that you've been ignoring it for this long. It sometimes can take a little bit to peeling it back like an onion to understand, okay, why was that Why, why did I feel shame in that moment? I didn't do anything wrong, but why, why did it make me feel this way? And then you can start to see how that anxiety and that embarrassment has affected you in your adult life. One super helpful pro tip in this kind of exercise, which also applies to writing the 10 things of your earliest memories, is handwriting has a lot of power. It has something to do with the way the brain works. And when you handwrite something, it makes you think of things in a different way. And sometimes I've heard people report that when they write things out like this, that they unlock different memories, different facets of a memory than if they just maybe typed it or they just thought about it. So I highly encourage you to write these things. And then when you ask that question, how did it feel when I was at that age? Just write without correcting, without adding, without editing, nothing. Don't add excuses. Don't add explanations. Stay curious, not judging. Another Ted Lasso quote. It's not on accident. It's good stuff. And as always, when we talk about a lot of these kinds of things in episodes, I do believe it's important to recognize that sometimes professional help has a tremendous amount of value. This is also dependent on your degree of trauma and tragedy that you experienced. Sometimes exercises like this, like in my experience with the embarrassing moment at the restaurant, I didn't have to walk through that scenario with a therapist. However, there are other situations And so take it from me as someone who has done that, I would highly encourage you if you have some things that are deep, heavy, dark, painful, that there could be some extreme value in talking to someone who's a professional about that. Now, as always, thanks for listening to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. Remember, growth happens when you take action. So subscribe, share this with a friend, and most importantly, put what you learned into practice because as we all know, We know daily anything changes everything.