All I Do is Correct My Kid (how to hold your child accountable without hurting their self worth)

In today's episode, I sit down with a mom who feels like all she does lately is correct her kid, and she's starting to worry that all of this correcting is quietly teaching her son that he's the bad kid. If you've ever felt stuck in that same loop of correction and worry, this conversation is for you. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. Before we begin, if your child hits, scratches, or melts down the second things don't go their way, my guide, Mastering Your Child's Anger, shows you what the behavior is really telling you, how to set firm boundaries without shame, and the exact words to coach big feelings. For ages 2 through the teen years. Grab it at transformingparenthood.com. Now let's get into today's episode.

So my son is almost 5, and over the last year, at least, we've received the incident reports between school and the summer camp that I've become genuinely concerned. Not so much about him getting in trouble, but What worries me is hearing him say things like, I'm bad, so nobody will want to be my friend. So that's the part that breaks my heart.

Yeah, I, I hear you. This is really heavy when, especially as parents, these things are happening out of our home because we feel this sense of having no control of when he's not here, how am I supposed to see what's actually going on. I'm assuming the teachers are your eyes in these cases, or you could share with me maybe how you're learning about what's happening at school.

The one thing I've noticed that almost all of these incidents happen during transitions or unstructured time, like free play or moving between activity, this sort of thing. Generally, when he's engaged in a structured activity with clear goal, he does well, but otherwise doesn't seem to be. Uh, so I guess one of the most recent incidents that happened at the summer camp, um, him and the other 4 boys were pretending to play Pokémon, and one of the boys started taking the game too far and was actually hitting and pushing the other kids. So my son actually went to the camp counselor to tell them what was happening. But when the behavior continued, he ended up actually scratching the other boy in retaliation. So then of course he got in trouble. This is the sort of theme that seems to be happening. Sometimes even, even some positive interactions with other kids get him in trouble because he's very loud and expressive and very affectionate little boy. And he likes constantly touching other children, like putting an arm around them, or, you know, trying to hold their hand, or gets sort of getting in their personal space all the time. Like, he loves interacting with other children. He's very social, but he doesn't seem to recognize other people's boundaries all the time. So I find even positive interactions sometimes end up with him being corrected. So it seems like it's an ongoing theme where I have to talk to him about this incident. And I find that we don't, we don't use the words like bad or bad kids or anything like that. Usually we talk about making mistakes or making bad choices, this sort of thing, but I'm not sure where this, this narrative is coming from, maybe because he gets in trouble and then we always talk to him about it. So I guess my, my question is how, how do I balance accountability with protecting his self-esteem at the same time? So this doesn't become part of his identity. Hmm.

I love that question. That was a beautifully worded question, and I think so many of us as parents are nodding right now and saying, oh my gosh, yes. When our kids make mistakes, how do we make sure we're not damaging them, making them think that they're bad while also teaching them the lesson that they need to be taught? Thank you for your explanation. It's very clear that this is a super hard position to be in as a parent because You want him to learn from his mistakes, but you don't want him believing he's bad. And when you quite literally hear your kid saying, I'm the bad kid, how do we not let that get to us in our hearts? And so when the phone continues ringing with reports from school or camp or wherever it is that he is when these things are happening, it starts to feel like, uh oh, he's thinking he's bad and now Everybody's starting to see my kid as bad. How are we going to stop this? I want to offer this to you and say that kids who receive frequent correction, like often, and it happens a lot, they begin to expect it. And so once that happens, they really start leaning into the role that they've been given instead of fighting against it. And so it's obvious to me that you're not here because you're making excuses for his behavior. You're here. Because you're trying to understand it first. And I think that's where the real change starts. Before we get into the science and the understanding and the practical tools that I want to offer you, I'm curious to know the progression of events. It sounds like you have a lot of information. Where did you get that information from? Was it from your son, your teacher? And can you just walk me through the timeline?

Well, initially, we found out from when we picked him up from the counselor, from the supervisors. They usually give an incident report that we read over and can discuss with them. So that's how we initially find out what happened. There was not a whole lot of details, even at first, that there were 5 boys and they were playing and then the game escalated into physical fight and then my son ended up scratching somebody and here's the picture of the scratch. So then my husband picked him up, so he spoke a little bit about this incident with him on the way home. And when he got home, I talked to him as well and just asked, you know, what happened today? Did you have a good day? Because we usually ask if you, you know, how was your day? Did you have a good day today? Was there anything fun? So then I asked sort of what happened and then A lot of details he actually gave me himself, saying that they were playing the Pokémon game and one of the boys was pretending to battle, but he was actually going too far and hitting and pushing all the other boys in the group. So he said that he actually went and told somebody that the boy was hitting them and allegedly somebody had spoken to him. But doesn't seem like they have separated them and the behavior continued. So my son ended up retaliating by scratching him back, I guess. So when I talked to him about it, he just said, I went over the same things like, oh, what can you do next time? You know, next time you can, you know, make sure you either walk away, you tell the counselor, don't play with this boy. You know, we went over some some things that he could do next time, but then he just kept saying, but, but I tried, I tried telling them, but he continued hitting me. So, you know, so then he just ended up pushing him or hitting him back.

Sure.

So that's, that's basically the situation. And then they all went and sat in timeout, which wasn't very effective because they were all sitting together. And we don't do timeouts at home, so my son really didn't understand the point of them. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sure. Thank you.

Your son is clearly not afraid to be honest with you and open up with you. So I think that says a lot about the type of relationship that you have with him. And I love how you approached him when he came home, that you weren't accusing him or you start with a bad, like heavy tone that makes him shut down. It sounds like you're really easy to talk with and really easy to open up to. So I, think that that's really admirable to see that level of connection that you do offer him. There's a couple of layers here that I want to quickly address. Do you see signs of this aggression or retaliation at home?

Uh, yes. It's the same everywhere.

Okay. And in this case, does that happen towards you, another parent, a family member, or who?

Towards me, towards me or my husband. It's generally if he doesn't like what we're saying or if we're saying no to him. I can't even think of a good example. It's generally he wants something and we don't give it to him right away, or he doesn't like the answer. You know, when we say, sure, you can have your popsicle, but we'll have to wait until dinner is done. So this type of situation, then he would generally have the same reaction where he would start, he would either hit us or, or yell at us. Um, like argue back ultimately.

Okay. And how do you handle that?

If he's hitting, then I will just say, I'm not gonna let you hit me. And I'm gonna do my best to try and move away from him and say, okay, we can 'Once you start talking in a normal voice, then, then we can talk about it later.' Mm-hmm. Um, can't say it always works, but generally I have to do it a few times before, you know, move, move away from him sort of thing before he, he calms down and then we can talk normally.

Okay.

Okay. That's helpful.

I appreciate that. And the reason I ask that is because Oftentimes when parents approach me with camp, school issues, I always ask first, you know, is this happening at home too? Because if it is, it is a good thing because that gives us opportunities to really see the pattern that's unfolding and to actually get to the bottom of how we can help him. Because the more we can practice with him when we're with him and together at home, the better these skills will translate to when he's at school. So let me start with an education and understanding through, you know, how I'm seeing this through a nervous system perspective, a behavioral perspective. The first thing is that your, your child is not bad. Your child is not mean. I know that, you know that, you know he has a big heart, but I want to say it out loud because sometimes we need to hear that. Sometimes we start to doubt it and we're like getting worried as parents. This just sounds like a kid who's struggling with impulse control, emotional regulation, social problem solving, and responding to adult authority without it being a threat to his identity and who he is and not feeling embarrassed. And I think that's kind of all those things clumped into one. And so, you know, if he is reacting in ways like, I'm bad, I'm bad, and he's getting you to say, you're not bad, we love you. He might know that right now I messed up and I made a mistake, but when I say that, my mom reminds me that she loves me and I'm not bad, and I like how that feels, so I'm gonna keep saying that I'm bad. And we don't know exactly what's going on in his head when he says these things, but these are all possibilities. Once adults begin expecting challenging behavior from kids, they start noticing it faster. Whether it's you, whether it's his teachers, we notice it, we correct it, we pay closer attention to him. We have them under a microscope and we're constantly saying, we have to fix this. We have to change this. Whether we're saying it out loud or in our heads, our kids can feel this. And sometimes they begin thinking, and this could be where his thoughts are coming from, if everybody thinks I'm a bad kid, I might as well act like it. Or every second of my life, I'm doing the wrong thing. And what we need to do as leaders is interrupt that thought process before it starts to become his identity. And so camp in general, where he scratched the kid, they got into the fight. It may be that it's weighing on his nervous system, right? Camp is a long day. There are long transitions. It might be too much downtime. It might be too much activity time. There's a lot of large groups, not a whole lot of individual attention. These environments can be really tough for 5-year-olds. And does this excuse hurting another child? No, but it could explain what his nervous system is experiencing, why he's in overdrive. When a kid, and if this is the true story, gets frustrated that another kid is violating his space and he's actually, it feels like unsafe or in danger, he goes and tells an adult. And telling the adult was a great move, but it felt like it didn't work. Well, he felt so worked up that he had to take matters into his own hands. And so from a nervous system perspective, It makes sense. Now, does that apply for the same situation when he's at home with you and you say, no, you can't have a cookie right now, and he starts scratching at you? Maybe, maybe the same underlying skill is not, is not being met. The same underlying skill is not developed. In one situation, he's feeling disappointed that nobody came to help him, and in your situation, he's feeling disappointed that he can't have a cookie.

So.

Maybe this anger lash out is a lack of skill of being able to handle disappointment. I don't know the exact thing, but it sounds to me like this hitting, scratching, aggression, big feelings are just serving a purpose for him to express something that his nervous system is experiencing.

I think everything that you said is exactly what I'm thinking. I think he He definitely struggles with emotional regulation and impulsivity and definitely doesn't handle disappointment very well. And that, of course, spills out in all different areas of his life.

So let's jump in and get started with tool number 1. So the first thing that I want you to work on moving forward is to separate his identity from his behavior. And so the important message that he needs to hear is not, be a good boy. It's starting with his strength. You are a really good kid, or you have the biggest heart. And I know he does, 'cause you said he's affectionate and he's warm and he loves to be close and he's really social and happy. And so you light up a room with your personality. I want him to hear these things because sometimes when our kids get into bad spells of making poor choices, we forget to point out what's good. And so we always want to lead with his strengths and say, you are such a good kid. Sometimes you make unsafe choices. Those are two different things, right? I'm going to help you make better choices. Or I'm not worried about who you are. We're just working on. This situation so that next time you feel better about what to do. Or saying things like, we are going to fix this together. You wanna know why? Because I know that you're capable of doing better than this. I know it. You are so smart, right? And so when we word things like this, kind of side by side with the strength and the improvement, we are protecting his self-worth in all of our words to him. And sometimes we forget to say these things, but this is that balance you were looking for at the beginning of protecting his identity while still holding him accountable.

I think I'd really like the wording because this is exactly what I'm lacking in the moment is that I feel like, I feel in my heart that those are the things that I want to, for him to know. But then sometimes in the moment it's just finding the right words. I think definitely use that.

Awesome. Yeah, I think leading from a place of strength is the key. The second tool that I wanna offer you is to always be curious and not judgmental. And I know this is really hard as parents when we find out that our kids did something that we don't support, that goes against our values. That we feel embarrassed by, but instead of him getting in the car and saying, why did you do that? Because most 5-year-olds could never answer that question and be like, I have no idea why I did that. Or maybe some do and they say, well, because nobody listened to me. We need to say, change our wording and say, walk me through what happened. You know, what happened right before you made that choice? Get to the nitty gritty. Of it, like he gave you a bunch of detail, which I love. But what if he says to you, and then I asked a teacher and the teachers didn't do anything about it. And then, so he kept doing it and I scratched him. I want you to get in the middle of that story. So, okay, so let's act it out. So he's playing like this and you told the teacher and she said she spoke with him and then he just came back and hit you right away after the teacher spoke with him. Or was it his words or was it that he was really close? What did he do exactly? And do you see how specific I'm getting? Like granular. And then asking him, ooh, okay. And then what happened to your body right before you scratched him? What was it? Did you say a word? Did you say stop? Did you say get outta my face and then scratch? Or were you just so angry that your arm just let out a scratch? What happened? And so by doing this, we're actually what I like to call putting the moment in slow motion for him, because the only way our kids can actually begin to make change is when they can slow it down and become more aware of the sequence of events that actually happened.

This is great because often the story, story's much shorter, you know, when you ask what happened. Mm-hmm. So it's, it's definitely good advice, especially on how to get around asking those questions and getting more details, um, without being too pushy or judgmental, I guess. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I think that's a perfect way to say it. You wanna jump in without being pushy. So how do we do that? We jump in with them just like this. It's interesting because our kids wanna tell us the situation and get right out. This is what happened. He hit, I told the teacher, he kept doing it and I hit him. Why? Because they're uncomfortable. They want to justify what they did so that you don't think they're bad. But what we want to do is slow that down and say, no, no, no, no, no. We're going to sit in this discomfort. I'll talk about this for 30 minutes to get the details before I make any judgments or teach you any lessons. I want you to get comfortable understanding yourself. Getting awareness for this situation and having all of us understand what was happening. Because we know you're a good kid. That's not even a question. We know you have a big heart. So that's why I need to understand. This is so important for us to understand because this is not you. So we got to figure this out. And when we get in with them in the trenches like that, it helps a lot because they're going to be like, okay, I'll, I'll tell you, I'm not afraid to say it. It's actually therapeutic to re— play what happened, as much as we don't wanna say it, it will help him in the future. The last tool, try and build the positivity and the tools for success before he actually needs to use them. So oftentimes we wait until camp calls, we wait until he pushes you in the kitchen, we wait for the big bad moments to happen. And then we teach. And as parents, our job is to practice and build him up proactively. We need him to gain the skills beforehand because when we weave in, you made a mistake and now I'm gonna put on my teaching voice and get really angry and judgmental and teach you how to be better. Well, now we're weirdly intertwining making mistakes with feeling judged. And we don't want to do that. We want to prepare our kids so that, hey, when these things happen, because they're going to happen, right? That's life. I want you to feel prepared. So what does that actually look like? Maybe in the car on the way to camp. Let's pretend I'm another kid who won't stop bugging you. And I'm in your face and I'm saying, play with me, play with me, play with me, play with me. What? What can you do? And maybe we give him some tools. Can you say, I need space, in your strongest voice possible? Look me right in the eye and say, I need space. Come on, let's see if it works. Or maybe you say, I don't want to play this game, and move your body away. Maybe we don't do this one in the car. Move your body away and take some steps that way and find something else to do. Maybe get a sip of water. Maybe find a different friend. Let's practice. Maybe you guys play this in the kitchen at the dinner table. Dad is the annoying kid. Mom is a different friend that's playing on the side. Teach him how to do this. Teach him how to wait quietly. Teach him how to lose and what to do instead. Teach him what happens when another kid is breaking the rules. How to remove himself, let somebody know, and not enter back into that interaction. Children don't automatically know these skills, but we need to practice them, just like riding a bike, just like getting their muscle memory able to identify and say, ooh, this is one of those moments my mom and dad told me about. I know it now. And here's my line. I need space, or here's my line. Can we play something else? And if that's not respected, I walk away and go find a different game. Because we need to teach him how to hold boundaries for himself, how to cope with the feelings that he does not know how to handle.

Yes, absolutely. Especially teaching, teaching the right boundaries, teaching the boundaries in the right way, because I know that He can stand up for himself and by pushing somebody else or yelling at them, but this is, this is not the reaction that I want him to have. So I think this is a great way to reenact some of the scenarios when he's not in the moment, when he's not angry, and hopefully he remembers them for next time because like you said, it's always The teaching moments always happen after the fact and it's probably not always as effective.

Mm. Yeah, that was beautifully said. What was the thing that you said he would get angry about not being allowed to have?

If he doesn't like the answer that you're giving him, like not having a popsicle right now, right in this moment, and not after dinner, you know?

Okay. Yeah. And so that is a different skill to teach him cuz it's not socially, it's not away from you. So it might be helpful if he's screaming that he can't get something. Well, he doesn't get it, number one, at all. The consequence is that bad communication gets you absolutely nothing. So even if you're hitting me, pushing me, then now I actually take it away after dinner too. You don't get it at all today because we want to teach our kids that good communication can open up the world for you, but bad communication shuts it down. And so in those moments, we actually teach accountability, respect, and good communication. So that's number one that he needs to be clear on and not in the moment, but outside of the moments. Hey, we're going to start this new thing. Just let him know if you're feeling really disappointed about something. Like, if I say, no, you can't have a popsicle right now, but you can after dinner, and you say, okay, mom, I will give it to you after dinner. If you don't say, okay, mom, and you scream or you use aggression or you hit or you push or you hurt or you scratch, then we're not going to have a popsicle at all because a popsicle is a privilege. He's old enough for you to start making that connection. Under the age of 5. Like dramatically under the age of 5?

No.

But over the age of 5, approaching the age of 5, that's when we could start showing that clear consequence. And then you can't just say that. You also have to teach him what he could say instead. And this is where the behavioral pattern is that we could actually break. So when we say, no, you can't have a popsicle, I want you to offer him a replacement for what he could say instead of screaming and scratching and pushing. He can say, when can I have a popsicle? Even if he screams it at you the first 2 times, I don't care. We need to start training him to communicate better. Pushing, yelling, hitting is never the answer. Things get taken away and nobody's going to hear you or be able to help you. But when you speak clearly, I could help you. And then we wanna teach him, no, you can't have a popsicle right now.

Whoa.

Instead of screaming, you can say, is there any way I could possibly have one today? Yesterday I didn't get to have one. Because when we teach our kids just simple words, simple replacements, we give them tools. Tools for them to be like, ooh, I know what I could do instead. Because when our kids have no alternative, they just keep repeating their behaviors. No alternatives and no consequence. Then they're like totally stuck. They are not going to make any changes. We have to turn off the TV now. But yeah. Okay. I'm gonna pause the TV and we're gonna try that again. When I say it's time to turn off the TV, you cannot yell at me, or TV will get taken away for good, and I don't want to have to do that. But here's what you can say. Can I have 2 more minutes, please? Let's try it. I have to turn off the TV now. Even if he yells it, can I have 2 more minutes, please? Sure. Thank you so much for asking. We have to start breaking the cycle. And are you always gonna give him 2 more minutes for the rest of his life and he's gonna learn that? Absolutely not. You're gonna change that. But behavior change takes baby steps to get there. Baby steps. So we have to start teaching him to break those big aggressive feeling reactions and start replacing them with words and tools and things he can remember to do instead. Yeah.

Wait, especially recently I've been trying to sort of follow the same idea where I offer him an alternative or another try, but I think where I struggle is the consequence part, you know, where we hold our boundary and then we don't give him the popsicle. This is the part where I generally struggle with. Um, but yeah, giving him alternative to try again, we, We, we do try this now more often than ever where we, he would scream and then I will say, try again, you know, or maybe you can say it nicer and, you know, stuff like this. But the consequence part, that's the one that I'm definitely struggling with. So I'm gonna keep that in mind. Sure. Because it obviously comes hand in hand.

And I appreciate your awareness, right? And sometimes when it's just broken down for us, we're like, ooh, I'm good at that part. That's the part I need a little work on. And that's helpful because when you can really start to pinpoint it, then you could do better. Okay, next time I'm going to work on the consequence part and I'm going to start making it very clear. It doesn't have to be mean. Consequences are just consistent, calm, and corrective. You're going to hit over here. Okay, we can't be over here right now. We're going to take a break. And our kids learn very quickly, there are consequences to my behaviors, but we also at the same time have to teach them. This is what you could do instead if you really want to stay there. So I'll give you one more chance. And then we really start to see behavior change.

A big thank you for giving me this opportunity to have a session with you. This was, this was very good. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Before you go, remember the question we started with? How do I hold my child accountable without making them feel bad? That's the heart of everything I teach. The balance between structure and nurture. Holding the boundary while protecting their heart at the same time. If you want the full system, not just tools for one hard moment, that's exactly what my course Mastering High Structure, High Nurture Parenting is built to give you. Find it at transformingparenthood.com. If this episode helped you, make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss next week's episode. And if you have just 30 seconds, Leaving a quick review is one of the biggest ways you can help me reach more parents who need this message. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you back here next week.