My Son is Too Controlling (how to help your grandchildren without undermining their parents)

In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a grandmother who watches her grandson get corrected, second-guessed, and quietly shut down by his father. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair Podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. A quick pause before we keep going. I want you to know you don't have to wait for a podcast episode or a coaching spot to get help. I launched Ask Julie just weeks ago, and parents have already sent thousands of questions, have received immediate answers, and have seen significant change in their homes. This is more questions than I could ever answer by hand in a whole year. This is private 24/7 parent coaching that talks back to you in real time in my voice, built entirely on my research, my courses, and the Transforming Parenthood philosophy of high structure, high nurture parenting. It's the same guidance that I would give you in a session right in your pocket. The next time it's late, your kid just lost it, you need a clear next step, and you can't wait for office hours, You are not alone, and you also shouldn't be Googling. Just click the link below and ask Julie. Okay, let's get back to it. If you've ever sat close enough to see a child's spark dim and felt that pull to step in, this conversation is for you.

My son is very controlling. Always need the last word. We were at dinner at their house. My son made hamburgers. My grandson said, it's not done enough. His dad said, this is how I always make it. He looked at his father and said, well, you know, he shrugged his shoulders. Then I piped up. I don't remember what I said. And then finally his father said, well, I can put it back on the grill. By then my grandson was like, no, fine. I'll just eat it because I think he felt pressure from his father. And he's not mean, his father. He's just likes to be right.

Mm.

So I could hear how much you care about all of the people in this situation. It's super hard as the grandmother because you're the mom in a way to everybody involved, and you feel some sort of responsibility here. You're saying that he's not mean to your grandson, but at the same time, your grandson, you're noticing some sort of shutdown emotionally in his response. Can you speak to that a little bit?

I mean, I always feel that my son thinks he's the smartest guy in the room. Mm-hmm. Only he is one of the smartest guys in the room and in his professional career. I'm forever getting compliments about his ability to do whatever he does, but interpersonal with the children, I struggle, but I struggle almost more with his wife who I feel doesn't give the oldest grandchild the same love and affection she gives to the two little ones. And that's upsetting to me too.

Mm-hmm.

So it sounds like you're not reacting. You're watching your grandson, your son, maybe your daughter-in-law, this whole dynamic unfold in real time, and you're trying to make sense of it because you love everybody involved and you're in a super difficult position because you're close enough to see everything, right? You hear the tone, you hear the corrections, you hear the shutdowns, but you are not the one that is actually. In charge, setting the rules or in charge of these moments or directing the moments. And so you're in this really uncomfortable place where you're holding onto a lot emotionally and you kind of feel like a bystander who's not standing up for what's right.

And yesterday my son called me about a whole other issue and I finally had the courage to say, your entire family makes me feel invisible.

Hmm.

And how was that responded to?

Uh, he was kind of surprised.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I didn't know you felt that way or something like that. Um, but it was a really good thing that I said and got it off my chest cuz I've been wanting to say it for a really long time.

Mm-hmm.

I think you mentioned a, an important word there where you said I gained the courage, right? These kinds of situations require courage, bravery, where you're kind of like, how do I go about this in my responsibility as a grandmother with the heart that you have? I can't just stand by and do nothing. So what power do I have? What can I actually do in these moments? And to me, it sounds like that's why you're here. It's something I wanna normalize first is that when you see a child, specifically your grandchild, but when you see a child being pushed corrected, or shutting down. Your instinct to step in is not a bad instinct. It's a connection instinct. It's your protection instinct. In family systems like yours, where now your position is a little different, the moment you step in, it kind of shifts the dynamic in a way where it kind of creates sides instead of connection. So where you're trying to help, you're actually contributing to a greater kind of split in the system, a greater fracture that you're like, oh gosh, I, I don't even know what I could say that wouldn't make things worse right now. And so I think one of your fears here is that with a son who might shut you down or always have to have the last word, you're stuck between two uncomfortable places where if I say nothing, I feel powerless. But if I say something, I create tension. So what am I supposed to do?

Yep.

And, and so today I think is about getting you out of that middle weird gray area and giving you some clear, concrete things that will help keep you connected without pulling you into the middle. And let me start with a question. Have you stepped in to defend or protect or speak for your grandson in these moments before?

It's very difficult. Um, I feel like with the hamburger thing, I don't know what I kind of mumbled, something. Um, I don't know if I, I don't remember if I said, well, if I wanted it well done, you'd put it on the grill for me. You know, I tried to make that example. But no, I don't. I don't. Go against his, what he says, because like I said, he, the one incident I had, we were more than a year ago, my grandson asked for something and I went to get it. We were in a restaurant, maybe a sugar pack. I don't know. And my son's answer was, I'm his father. And I was like, whatever it was, it was a dumb thing, like a sugar pack. And, um, Sometime after that, I said to him, you have taken all the joy of being a grandparent away from me.

Mm.

And I basically feel that way, you know, it's their way or the highway sort of. And, and they're not mean, they're just very, you know, they're in their own world.

Those two. Sure. Sure.

And it sounds to me, you know, you're mentioning things like joy. Like you're taking it away. Um, you make me feel invisible. You're making these powerful statements to them because you're clearly bothered, right? There's some sort of hurt underneath it all. I feel like this is a little bit twofold where it's like you're seeing your grandson get treated a certain way, but then you're also feeling the impact of it on yourself, because when you're making these comments, you're saying that you're hurt or you're, you know, feeling like you can't be a happy grandmother. And I think kind of the gist of this is overall that it's just discomfort. I think you just feel uncomfortable.

Right.

We're supposed to go 4th of July. They have a, a, a, another home on a lake. And, um, I never wanna go, I'm going, but I don't wanna go because when I'm with their, in their nucleus of their family, I'm always uncomfortable because I am not supposed to parent or, you know, um, cuz they're the parents. Mm-hmm. I just don't like how they parent.

Sure. Sure.

Yeah, so I think that's really helpful. I think the important thing to highlight before I jump into the tools is that we want to focus on what's in your control versus what's not in your control. Because when our discomfort gets so, so, so high that we start making comments like, and I believe that there's truth to them, but comments like, I feel invisible. I don't feel comfortable around your family, or, you know, you're taking the joy out of being a grandparent. These comments, while true, they can point blame, which can cause people to get even more firm in their grounding and more defensive and more erupted. And I think that's the bottom line here as well. Of, you know, how can I appropriately share my feelings in a way that isn't inflammatory?

Mm-hmm.

So let's jump in. I have 3 tools. This is the first tool that comes to mind. I'll call it don't enter the triangle. Let's call it that. So when you step in to correct or redirect in real time, You become a third voice in a parent-child interaction, right? When you make the comments like, you would've put the burger back on for me, we've now created what, how I see it as a triangle, right? People stop responding to the moment and then they just start responding to who is right. Because now there's this like dominance question of like, well, who's my kid supposed to listen to? Because now let's talk about the parent's point of view. It's like, I said something to my kid. I want my kid to know that my word is what matters. But now somebody's coming in and contesting that. And now my kid is like, ooh, my word might not matter. And so as parents, that's really difficult place to be because it's like, whoa, there's somebody in my home, in my world that's now combating what I'm saying to my kid. And even with the best and the best of intentions that you have, it can easily, and this is what you're feeling in that world of discomfort, make the parent more defensive and the child, your grandson, more emotionally pulled into this adult tension. So now when we make that comment, even though it's out of protection and intentional defending who is standing up for who is right. Your grandson now feels like, oh my gosh, I'm in the middle of this. I just wanna disappear and get out of this. I am now in the middle of adult tension and it's my job to fix it. And so what did your grandson do? He did a very smart grandson-like thing and he said, no, it's fine. What I have is fine. This is good.

Yeah.

Because why? He wanted the moment of tension to end. Yes, tension was created by his father, but believe it or not, with your heart and the best intentions that you had, more tension was added because now he's afraid that somebody combated his father and now he's like, oh gosh, I created this. So what is this first tool, don't enter the triangle, supposed to mean? It's supposed to mean that I want you to remember. That you wanna stay out of the immediate interactions so that you don't become part of the conflict or increase tension. Forget about for your son, cuz I know that you're more willing to open your mouth to him and you wanna gain the courage to say something to him, but in these moments particularly, it ends up backfiring stronger on your grandson.

You're absolutely 100% right. As I'm rolling it back in my mind, the smart kid too, he, and he's very sensitive. So you nailed it. Yeah, that's exactly right.

And it's a hard thing to hear because we get so caught up in like, no, I'm trying to protect you.

Right.

But it, you see, you see how that could happen quickly, right? Where the kid just tries everything in their power to shrink. So that the moment ends fast. The second tool I want to offer you is this, because you talk about wanting to gain the courage. You want to be able to say something because you're holding on to so much that's frustrating you and bothering you. So the tool that I have for you is to not override your son publicly, but in moments where you can, and I know you had a phone conversation with him yesterday and said something important, I want you to align privately with him first. And the key word here is align. And the reason I didn't say override him privately is because align is the key word. I want you to align with him privately. And the reason is because this is how you can continue to keep your influence and stay connected without disrupting him as the authority in the room when you are with the family. So when you jump in with your own solution, even if it's to help, it can unintentionally put your son in a position where he looks wrong and you look like the one that's trying to fix everything, which just, again, in the same situation, increases his defensiveness and his control. He's gonna grab it for all he's got left. And he's not gonna grow softer. He's not gonna grow more open. So let me bring it into real life for you. Let's talk about the dinner example. So if your, your grandson says it's not cooked enough, and your son says, that's how I make them all the time. Instead of intervening publicly, maybe your son is standing up or he runs to the kitchen to get more napkins, or he has to go turn the grill off or whatever. Or you look at him and say, can I, can I talk to you for a second? You could move with him somewhere away from the table and you could say something to him very kindly, like, my burger's a little more cooked. Do you mind if I offer him a half of mine? And now you've kind of turned the table.

Right?

What you've done is you've made a power move. You're speaking from your heart. You've respected that it's ultimately up to him, and I don't wanna undermine you in front of your son.

Mm-hmm.

But I also have a much kinder and connected solution to offer. And as his mother, you're actually supporting him, which is the beauty of it, because he can come out and say, still in control, your grandmother's kind enough to offer you half of hers. Do you wanna have half of hers and swap? And now you've created a much more respectful dynamic. And now this might not have worked perfectly in the hamburger moment, but I can imagine it going well in other moments.

That's a great idea. I don't know if I could pull it off. Um, but maybe, maybe in another situation. Um, and I guess this is, we were, uh, in our, out in Colorado on spring break and they decided the kids could have a souvenir. And so the older one, um, was liking a hat and his dad said, What about this hat? Why don't you like— why don't you— how did he say it? Why did he— he was trying to say, this is a better hat. Why don't you like the hat I like? And I had made my hair curl. I mean, it was like, why would you do that?

So, yeah. So, so your grandson had picked one and your son came in and said, Why don't you like the one I picked? Like basically saying like, yours is, yours is nonsense. I don't like the hat you picked.

He did end up getting the hat he wanted.

Mm-hmm.

I believe, but I just didn't understand why he would impose his.

Mm-hmm.

You know, this was the kid's gift.

Mm-hmm. So, sure.

Yeah. And I think that's powerful in it of itself. Yourself that your grandson ultimately ended up getting the hat he wanted. And I think that's a really important thing to highlight in that story, and I appreciate you sharing it with me because as the grandmother where your heartstrings are constantly being pulled in these moments, I want you to recognize that moment as a moment of courage and resilience on your grandson. And the reason I say that is because Despite the comment that crushed you inside, he was like, hmm, I like this one.

Yeah.

I want to stick with this one. And he didn't cave and say, okay, dad, I'll get the one you like. Because that would have been even more heartbreaking, right? And I'm highlighting this because it's a really, really important thing to recognize in that for the rest of your grandson's life. He is going to be faced with people who make comments and people who are a bit controlling or people who are a bit rude, right? Whether it be in school or college or at a job. And the most important thing that I hear out of these stories is that he doesn't change who he is in response to it. And that's really, really hard because you're watching it in real time. I think what's happening here. And keeping it with the tool that I mentioned, if we want to apply that to the hat example, off to the side in the store, calmly looking at your son and saying, he really likes that one.

Yeah.

Just a very simple comment. Just, you don't need to say much with your words. You just need to say the truth. He really likes that one. Or even better, I even, I, I know in these moments you're clouded by frustration and anger and overwhelm, but if we can push that fog aside, maybe you could even share a story with your son, a quick one while you're in the store and say, I don't know if you could come up with it off the top of your head, but when you were young, oh, I didn't want you to put this poster in your room, but you were so adamant about putting this poster up in your room. That I said, okay, right? And kind of finding that common ground between, as a parent, I may have not wanted you to do something, but you did something cuz it's something you really wanted and I was okay with that. And you're just slowly softening him with little moments, not in a way that you're trying to say, I'm right, you're wrong, just in a way that you're observing the moment and you're respecting his authority. You're aligning with him privately on the side. And so when it's possible, we want to do everything that we can to not create a public split between the two of you when you are in front of your grandson.

No, that's a very hard thing to do. Um, but it makes sense because I think I walked out of the store because it was Made me crazy.

I, I, you know, it's hard. You're, you lead with your heart. It's hard to let go of these things. You're resounding it in your brain. You can't let it go because it hurts and it's hard to hear and you want to do something about it. And so I think the idea here with the tools that I'm offering is that while one of them is not gonna just magically fix a situation, these are tools that you're gonna just sprinkle in over time, repetitively, consistently, without letting your frustration make a comment, without letting your anger get in the way and create more tension for your grandchildren, but instead focusing on what can I do, right? And that's what these tools are for. And so the last tool that I wanna offer you is to stay steady. In your grandson's corner. So I'm gonna explain what I mean by that, and I think this will come very easy for you. But when you see a child not getting love, attunement from their caregiver, right? When you see your grandson not getting this from your son, it's natural to wanna jump in and provide balance with a comment, with a arm around your grandson, with a That was really mean, but I love you, right? We wanna kind of show them that they're still loved. We wanna show them that somebody's in their corner because you're feeling it from not just your son, but also your daughter-in-law. And so the idea here is that our role can become very simple and very powerful if we could be steady and safe in our grandchild's corner. And what does that mean? It means that we want to always remember to keep correction out of our comments because the minute we offer correction or say something to our son, we create a right versus wrong moment. And so what we wanna do is in the store, if he's looking at the hat that his dad really likes and your grandson looks torn, you can just walk in with a neutral warm statement like, Hmm, that one does not feel like you today. Or, ooh, I could see that looking really good on you. Or if the hat was, I don't know, white. White is a really good summer color.

Mm-hmm.

Something to support without correcting, right? Just adding a little bit of warmth in these moments can go a really long way because your grandson can look at you and be like, Oh wow, cool. Grandma, grandma supported me. I have her in my, in my corner, right? Even when the world's against me, she said my hat is pretty cool that I picked. So that's cool. And that will make him puff up his chest just a little bit more. And it doesn't have to be this big grandiose moment, just a, a warm statement, right? About what would you say if somebody in school was getting bullied by somebody? You would, about their lunchbox, you would go over and say, I think your lunchbox is pretty cool. Or I love that character on your lunchbox. And so just little comments like that so he knows, right? And this goes back and it's echoing in my brain that you were like, you took, you take the joy out of being a grandma. Well, this, this can bring it back. These little micro moments, right? Take your son out of the picture. Take your daughter-in-law out of the picture. Just focus all of your energy and attention on just being supportive. Warm and loving, because that is what your grandson is going to remember. He's going to remember not, oh, my grandma got so upset she stormed out of the store, or my grandma was so bothered in the corner with my dad and it created this whole big thing because they just don't agree. We want to cut all that noise out and we want to say, no, I'm going to be here. I'm going to stay. I'm going to be steady. I'm going to be warm for my grandson. Because that's the only thing that is really gonna stick. That's where I have impact here.

Mm-hmm.

And so another example would be letting him lead when you have chances to, when you're playing a game or when he wants to show you something, or when you're about to sit at a table in a restaurant, you can look at him and say, hey, you pick where I sit. Where do you want me to sit? And you might do this already, but these little things are having more impact than you realize. Or, we're gonna go play. What do you wanna do first? You tell me. You're empowering him in ways that maybe his parents don't, and you can fill that void for him by just being steady, warm, and kind. If he wants to sit and chat with you about something that happened, be a listener. Ooh, tell me more about that.

Yeah.

That's what sticks. That's what he's gonna say. Wow, this woman, this woman is a safe place for me.

I love her.

I just wanna talk with her. I just wanna be with her. Even just looking at him when you hug him goodbye or saying something and say, I loved being with you today. I just love you.

Yeah.

And the idea here is that kids don't need every adult in their lives to respond the same. Way, and they're not going to, quite obviously. They just need one relationship where they feel fully accepted, not managed, and not judged. And you can be that. And I think you have a responsibility because you have this fire in your heart to be that. And you can cut out the noise and just be a kind human to your grandson. And that will echo with him forever.

Forever.

Because when nobody else was in his corner, he can say, Grandma was in my corner. Or Grandma always listened to me. Or she never seemed to care about what I chose. She kind of just wanted to talk with me. So while you can't jump in and say, I wanna buy him the hat he wants, or you can't jump in and say, go make him a different burger, or I wanna get him a burger, give him my burger. We can't do that. That's all material stuff. That's stuff that's in the control of a parent. But what we can control is the stuff that comes from our heart. The stuff that we can just say out of the goodness of our hearts. Overall, the shift here isn't doing more. It's stepping away. It's staying quiet. It's respecting your son's role and then fully understanding what your role is as a grandmother. And maybe this is your awakening to say, whoa. My role is to be the steady, emotionally safe presence in my grandson's life because he doesn't have that. And so I'm going to do whatever it takes to stay that way and be that for him. And that consistency is what is actually going to stick with him as he grows and grows and grows.

It all makes sense. And then there's another little piece to it, which I'm always grateful for. And that is my daughter, who's much more like a grandma than me. And that is probably my grandson's person because they talk sports. They, you know, he really can connect with her. And that's wonderful. I'm always grateful. I call her the grandmother because she's, you know, she just knows how she works with kids and she's much better at all of that. I was a stricter mom. My husband worked 24/7 and, and literally I took care of everything from the household to the finance, to everything. And so I was just, I think, a fair, because my kids grew up great, but I just parented different.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so, but I'm learning here from you and that's, that's good.

It's helpful.

Yeah.

And I think it speaks measures that you acknowledge your story and you're aware of how your situation was different and that you're so humble to say, my daughter is the grandmother, right? I can just tell how much you love your kids and how much you're always willing to learn and recognize the strengths in other people. And I think that's one of the most amazing character traits that you have is your humility. Your kindness, your heart. And I think that can go a long way because you don't have to put on a show to show that. You just have it. And so I think that is your superpower where, you know, as long as you're steady and you just continue to show up humble and loving and kind, I think, I think you have everything that it takes.

Sounds good. It's been good advice for me.

Thank you so much.

All right. Thank you so much.

All right.

Thanks.

Bye-bye.

As we wrap up, remember this: your instinct to protect isn't wrong.

It's love.

But stepping into the middle of a parent-child moment often pulls the child deeper into tension. Your power isn't in correcting the parent or winning the moment. It's in becoming the steady, warm, judgment-free place that your grandchild can always return to. You don't have to control the room to change a child's life. You just have to stay in their corner quietly and consistently, and let that be the thing that they remember forever. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who you need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or review.

It really helps.

If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com.