My Daughter the People Pleaser And My Son The Extremely Emotional (how to help both)

In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a dad of two: one sensitive and deeply aware 6-year-old daughter whose kindness is starting to look like people-pleasing, and a spirited 3-year-old son whose tantrums can stretch sometimes over 20 minutes over something as small as a cup of water that isn't quite cold enough. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high structure, high nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. If you've ever watched your sensitive child shapeshift to keep everyone happy or felt completely powerless waiting out a toddler meltdown, this conversation is for you.

So I have both a daughter and a son. I love 'em both hugely. My daughter, she's 6. My son, he's 3. My, my daughter, she's, she's a massive sweetheart. She's so kind. She's so nice. Like the way she's considerate, the part that kind of freaks us out a little bit is that she was born with this amazing kind of gift of being very, very aware at a very young age. And at school, she's very heavily influenced by what people say to her. Oh, I like— she likes a cartoon. Another kid, he says he doesn't like the cartoon. Oh, she doesn't like the cartoon anymore. And so it's that she is super advanced mentally. She's a very smart kid. And at the same time, she's got this factor in her, and she's with kids who are actually much younger than her mentally, and they're not focusing on the details she's focusing on. So you just have all the building blocks. She is super duper sensitive. And not like— so obviously I said that from the awareness component, but I mean, we're talking big emotions. Whenever I'm processing or thinking of something that in some way may create any sense of discomfort, whatever that discomfort may be, I'm not gonna say always, but it quite frequently leads to tears, you know what I mean? Like, we're big emotions in lots of little things. And I'm a sensitive guy, so I grew up with that. And being a sensitive guy is a double-edged blade. You grow up with an emotional IQ that's relatively higher than people around you, but then you don't like, you know, guys are guys. And it took me time throughout my life to kind of develop the ability to, to, to deal with that. So I'm not the best person to help her deal with this because I know I have that kind of that little kid in me that looks at a situation that happens maybe with one of her friends and immediately I start interpreting things with that disgusting kind of sensitivity filter that's built into my subconscious. So, um, obviously comes with good things, obviously, but I want her to, to be herself be sensitive and all, but I want her to, you know, like, I don't want this to overtake her, if that makes sense.

Sure, sure.

So my son, he's, uh, so he doesn't have that, uh, that factor. Um, he, he doesn't have those components. He's just like, he seems like any, you know, crazy little boy who wants to run around and just jump off of things, on things. I like it, just a ball of energy. But he's got this thing now where if he doesn't get what he wants. Now, like, I can be patient, you know what I mean? And I can wait out the screaming tantrum. But the thing is, his screaming tantrums can last like 15, 20 minutes. Like, it can go on. He's got like the willpower of a titan. Something doesn't happen the way I expect to happen, he immediately does that where he sticks out his bottom lip in that cartoon-esque baby face and gets super upset, puts his head down, stomps off. And then like, depending on the situation, there is like a little kind of tantrum after it in all shapes and sizes. So, so that's, that's kind of what I'm dealing with.

Thank you so much. I, I am blown away by your ability to kind of word where your kids are at and things about yourself. Your, your awareness— I know you're talking about your daughter's awareness, but your awareness is extremely high. I think that you're, you know, that you're able to you speak so openly about yourself and you're so clearly reflective that just right off the bat I can tell how lucky your kids are to have a leader like this who is willing to step back and say, hey, I might not be the best person to help you through this, so I'm here seeking support because I want to do what's best for everybody. And that's super powerful. So, um, first off, that speaks measures, and I can just tell how much you so love your children. Um, the fact that you're, you're worried about your daughter's people pleasing and your son's big reactions just says that you're paying attention. Every kid, every human is just born with different temperaments. And while our parenting may have a little bit of influence in these moments, we're not the ones solely responsible for who they are, right? So it's not necessarily like, what are you doing? Or what are you saying to her that's causing this? Right? And more so like Hey, how can I understand what she's actually going through and why it's coming out in these ways or why it's coming out in these ways for him? And how can I help him or her build more resilience going about this forward?

Right. Absolutely.

So a lot of us, you know, carry that guilt of, did I cause this? Is there something I did that created this? Do you ever have that guilt come through you?

At least every other day. Yeah.

Yeah, tell me, tell me more about that.

I feel like we may have contributed to this because one, she was our first kid, and you know, I think there's that thing where kind of parents, um, you're— it's kind of like riding a bike, right? So you fall a lot off on your first bike and then you eventually become a master. So, so I feel like, you know, maybe we weren't as maybe patient with little things here or there. Uh, also the fact that she's so smart, like, like God bless her, like she's, she's, she's a a brilliant little kid. She said her first word at 9 months. So there was this, there was this thing where it's like you had this expectation of her because she could articulate. It's like, why don't you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, so, so, so that, that, this to me was like, this was like a, um, a thought or like an epiphany, let's say, that I had, um, a while ago. But I feel like that definitely contributed. We pushed maybe her into becoming slightly more of a— I don't want to say perfectionist, but like, you know, I think we probably did something there.

Sure, sure. I really appreciate that. The theme that I'm hearing is just overall like pressure, right? Where you're just like, we put too much pressure. Were our expectations too high? Because she was so advanced and so smart that we were like, well, if you can do this, then why aren't you doing this? And so in that vicious cycle of like, did we put too much pressure on her? And that will be a question that we can never actually answer. But the reason I asked is because it's important to say it, right? Just to say it out loud and be like, hey, you know what, I can't go back, but I could go forward and say, hey, am I doing that pressure thing again? Um, does it feel like I'm putting pressure? The other reason I bring it up is because sometimes when we feel like we're guilty of something, for example, like pushing or pressuring too hard or putting the expectation too high, sometimes when we face a hard moment like now, right, where you need a little support support, sometimes our bodies wave so much in the opposite direction where we're like, we don't want to put any pressure and we don't want to do that. We created this and now we've become overindulgent or too lenient. And now you're like, whoa, did I lose her in a different extreme way, right? And am I—

so true, so true, you know.

And so it's important to kind of just have that spectrum, right? Not— you don't have to draw a picture of it and put it on your wall, but I want you to have it kind of in your head to be like, okay, So there's a spectrum, right, of like being over-controlling and over-indulging. I just need to make sure that I'm kind of somewhere in the middle, and that's really hard to do. But as parents, that's kind of our benchmark, right? Especially as sensitive people, you could feel when you're feeling controlling, you could feel when you're giving in, and it doesn't feel good. And so trying to listen to yourself and find that balance, I think, goes a long way. The big picture for your daughter her insecurity is being disguised as kindness, where she's learned that her, her safety, her worth, her belonging feel tied to other people's approval. And so she's always wondering, do they like me? Am I okay? Did I upset someone? And do I have their approval? And that is kind of this like hypervigilance in an effort to always be loved, liked, accepted. And so the goal here is not to make her less kind or loving, but the goal is to just help herself realize that her value is just as important as everybody else's.

Okay.

So I think that's really part of the big picture here of like, yeah, what I'm talking about before where we kind of become over-controlling or over-indulging when things get hard, right? Where you might be like 'You don't have to be so nice to everybody,' right? We say like crazy things because we get nervous, and that's not really what we mean, right? Like, I want you to always lead with your heart, and I want you to always be kind because that's one of your superpowers. But I also want you to realize that what you bring to the table is just as valuable as what they bring to the table.

I'm actually absorbing what you're saying. So yeah, it's just the idea of, um, it's not about kindness, it's not about changing her from being nice. That's actually a way I didn't think about before. So it's like, hey, it just— let's focus on the insecurity itself. Like, let's make sure— like, stay who you are, but let's get rid of insecurity.

So that's right.

That's a cool way of putting it.

Yeah, that's right. And practically speaking, what does that actually mean? It means like teaching her how to kindly state her boundaries, or teaching her how to kindly stand up for herself, right? By giving her the words and giving her the scripts to say, hey, you don't have to change who you are, but this is a different way to go about saying that. And so we'll get there, but that's kind of the big picture idea. In terms of your son, especially at his age, it's really easy to say, hey, he's so manipulative, he's so difficult. But this isn't about manipulation or being difficult. It's about the fact that he's really young, he has a super low frustration tolerance, and he has extremely immature emotional regulation skills, which is normal, right? This is completely normal behavior of a 3-year-old. And so when he screams, he's communicating, I don't know what to do, right? I don't know how to handle this feeling. And the behavior is absolutely disruptive, right? I mean, going on for 15, 20 minutes of being upset or tantruming, we can attack that, right? Like, we can handle that. I have tools for you. But we need to also recognize in a reframe way is that underneath it all is a child who needs genuine support and boundaries, right? In both cases, for your daughter and your child, they need to be slightly nudged, right? Pushed a little bit, but also in a very supportive way. They're both kind of in ways saying quietly, I don't know what to do, in, in their own ways, right? He doesn't know what to do. If a kid says he likes this, I'm gonna say I like that too. That's, that's all I know what to do. So we need to teach her some skills at the same time as teaching him some skills. Let's jump into the practical stuff. The first thing that comes to mind here is for your daughter, we want to make sure that we are building internal confidence instead of external approval. So how do you actually do that? Well, the first thing that we want to do, and I think you'll be good at this if you aren't already really good at this, we want to validate what she's going through without rescuing her. Because sometimes we take the validation too far into fixing. And so what that means is when she's feeling something difficult or hard, or she's looking stuck or really emotional or sensitive, we want to play it super cool and super neutral and just say, "Ugh, that really is annoying," or, "Oh, that really is frustrating." Stay nearby, but I don't want you to get, you know, "Oh my gosh, are you okay? That is so— I can't imagine how that must feel," or really as sensitive father, right? Like, I know how that feels. I remember what that feels like, right? Very easily when we see our kid is struggling. And so what I want you to do is kind of stay above it, where it's kind of like, not I don't care about your feelings, but I see your feelings and they're not mine, right? And I will be here with you neutrally to help you get through this, because part of that is actually showing her I'm not scared of your feelings and you shouldn't either, but I'll be here till we get through them, right?

That's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. No, I'm not scared of your feelings and you shouldn't be either. That's a good tidbit. It's like kind of that like, you know, oh, this girl said that to me and she's like 6, you know what I mean? It's just insane kids these days. It's insane the things I'm hearing. So it's just they kind of, uh, it puts you in kind of a vortex, a mental vortex. So it's just, um, do you not recommend at all Like if she says, so-and-so said this to me, do you recommend that we jump in with what to say or should we not? Or what do you think?

Yeah, so that's a great question. That goes perfectly with this practical tip. Instead of providing solutions and what to say first, we want to let her sit in that discomfort, like brew in it. Because the more comfortable we get with discomfort, the better we get at dealing with it, right? For the rest of our lives, we're going to experience discomfort. So why not as much exposure to that with us present instead of, you know, trying to fix it or say, hey, say this next time, this will help you, or you'll do this? Then we're kind of showing her, oh, when something feels hard, get out of it really fast. We don't want to teach that, right? We want to teach confidence that she's like, whoa, this feeling is telling me something. So how do we do that, right? I love that you gave the example of friendship. We don't want to solve friendship discomfort for her. We might say things like, "Don't worry, I bet she really likes you," or "Don't worry, she's probably just having a tough day," or "Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean that," right? We jump in with everything. But what we want to do is stay neutral, play it cool, and say something like, "Oh, she said that?

Wow.

Were you sitting at the same table, or was she at a different table?" Oh, okay. Yeah, so we're letting her brew in it, right? We didn't do anything about that feeling that somebody hurt her feelings or said something not nice to her. We're just collecting information. Why? We want to show her we're not scared of what she just brought to you. We're not scared that her feelings were hurt. That's life, right? But we're gonna help her understand it more, and we're gonna be by her side the whole time. And so, okay, approaching with curiosity instead of fixes. It's approaching with questions instead of solving the problem or scripts for her. And so what that means is we might throw a question at her, even like, oh, she said that about you? Well, what do you think about yourself, right? She said that you weren't good at this. Well, what, what do you think? Do you think you're good at it? I, I'm curious. And then we can go around the table and hear what everybody else thinks. But what we're doing is we're building up her internal confidence so that we could shift her attention from seeking again our approval, because she might be doing it to us too, not just her peers, so that she can develop her self-worth. We want to almost say, hey, it doesn't matter what I think, what do you think? Okay, tell me what you think about that.

And, and, uh, and what's it called, what a question, something like, does it matter what she thinks? With that, like, does that some— is that something that lands at this age, you know, where you're trying to get her to start thinking that other people's opinions don't matter about you? Or is that not that this age kind of—

Yeah, that's a great— that is a great question. So it doesn't matter what she thinks. It doesn't matter what he thinks. The real question is this: is that helpful to any— if you came to me and said, Julie, I, you know, seeking your support, I was at work and somebody said you're extremely slow and you're an idiot and you don't know how to do this. And I looked at you and I said, it doesn't matter what they think. Does that help you in any way? Right?

That's a good point.

It feels like a good point.

Right?

Like, hello, Julie, I just said I need your help. Like, you're just going to tell me it doesn't matter? Okay, thanks. Thanks a lot. Right? That's not helpful. And so what helps is, oh my goodness, really? They said that to you? Well, where were you? Were you eating in the cafeteria? Were you sitting even near them? Or they just came up to you and said that? Oh, well, actually they came up and said that. Oh my gosh. I wonder what drove them to say that. Did you, did you do something better than them and they got jealous? Did you do something that was hurtful to them first? Right. It's, it's all about showing that you care. Let me get more information about this. Let me invest my listening ears into this. I don't need to fix your feeling. Yeah, that hurts. That somebody said that you're an idiot, but I want to know more, right? I'm not going to tell you, oh, simple, you're not an idiot. You're going to be like, wait, what?

That—

okay, I gotta go call somebody else for support because this is not—

yeah, because obviously you don't know how to talk to me. Yeah, okay. So, so, so, God, it's, uh, it's actually shocking that that statement you just said, which is, you know, um, if it works for adults, it works for kids. So yeah, that's absolutely a good point. You always think that you're like, because you're their parent, so anything you say is like, you know, like you are the Messiah who is guiding them into, you know what I mean? Like you're the one guiding them into, into the light. So they're going to take everything you say with, but yeah, it's, uh, that's right. You're absolutely right. Yeah.

Awesome. And, and it's funny that you mentioned that before I get to the next step is that we never want to hold ourselves that high, right? Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You're a human, you're learning as you go with her.

So you're going to keep asking questions, curious questions. Do you lead with the, oh, that sounds, you know, the, oh, that sucks, you know, the, oh, that sucks. Does that come in the beginning or does that come at the end after I've shown my curiosity? Or, you know, like, where do you put that? Because at the end of the day, if I just ask questions, is that going to be enough? Do I just stop talking all of a sudden and that's it? It's going to resolve itself internally within her own little brain?

Or, uh, yeah, yep. Great question. So I think what you want to, want to do is stay human. You have a big heart, you lead with your heart, so let it feel natural. If it feels like she's looking at you broken because something happened, you could be like, oh, you could even just open your arms for a hug and be like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that that was your day. And I would stay surface level, just like that. That sounds rough.

That—

oh, sorry. Yeah, tell me more. I want to know more. And instead of, you know, projecting, oh, they must have been jealous, oh, it's, it's, that's so scary, or telling her what you feel, you can just say, that sounds like this, but I don't know, you, you tell me what it— what did it feel— you want to get next to her in these moments. You don't want to be directing her. Is she just gonna magically figure out the lesson herself? No. I think when you're done going through the curiosity piece of getting all the information neutrally without your opinion or your, you know, guessing. I would then say, hey, if you're feeling open to it, I do have a suggestion for you of something that you could say the next time she says this.

Okay, there you go. Okay, that's it.

Nice. And that's where our leadership comes in, where we're telling her, when you're ready, just let me know. And we're giving her the ability to click, I'm ready. Really, when we listen first, that comes a lot faster. They're like, yeah, yeah, I'm totally open to it. And you're like, okay, Here's the deal. When this girl comes up to you and says that, I want you to recognize, do I feel like I can say, stop, I don't like that? Or do you feel like maybe this is an I need to go grab some water moment, right? And now you've given her two options to decide, and now you've given her the words to feel empowered the next day when she goes to school, right? So instead of, you know, the generic lines, those girls are jealous, they're just hurting you because they're, they're having a hard time. The second practical thing that I want to— you, you want to always— you want to acknowledge her heart because it's an asset of hers. You love making people feel happy, but we also want to acknowledge that you don't want her to ever think that she needs to make people like her. You should never have to make somebody like you. The people that love you are gonna see it, and you don't have to earn that. They just, they just do. And if you feel like you have to make somebody like you, well, maybe we need to think about that friendship. And so, for example, she might bring gifts to her friends just so they like her or accept her. We want to say that, that shouldn't make them like you, right?

What—

hmm, let's make a list of things that do make them like you.

Well, uh, I like that, right?

Maybe you said something kind to them that day. Or maybe when they dropped their pencil case all over the floor, you went and just quietly helped them put the pencils back. These are things that show who you are and make people feel connected to you. Not, oh, I want to make this for you so that you think I'm cool, or that you think I'm great, or that you think I'm awesome. I want you to just see it, who I am, for me, right? And we want to teach her that, that relationships are based on connection, not performance. And we need to live that as parents. It's really hard, but you know, when we need to ask ourselves, are we only pouring our love and attention into her when she's performing, when she's doing the trick she's really good at, or drawing the picture she's really good at, riding the bike because she finally can, or doing the cartwheel? Is it all love based on performance? Because sometimes that reinforces this pattern, and instead it's just a Hey, I don't have anything on the agenda right now. I literally just want to sit with you and I want to listen to a story that you want to tell me. Why? Because I just want to be with you. That's my favorite part of you, is that I get to spend time with you. And we need to say that over and over again to our daughters, especially who are struggling in this way with insecurity, because we want to show them that they are enough. It doesn't matter what they do outside, right? Performatively. It's what's inside.

I love it, man. I love it. It's that phrasing you used that I didn't think about before. How do you explain to a tiny little munchkin, you know, like the idea of what even friendship is? And so the idea of you're saying connection. So that word connection is— that's a good one. So it's about connection, not about performance.

Yeah.

I'm just absorbing everything you're saying. So yeah, good stuff. Good stuff.

Yeah, I appreciate hearing your reflections. For your son, he is the age, right, for these things to be happening. And does that excuse it? Does that make it any easier for you? No, in the moment, right? But this is the age, right? He is still under the age of 5. We need to consistently be positive and calm with them.

Right?

And I think that becomes really difficult when they're carrying on, when they're whining, when they're not getting their way. It's like, how can I be positive right now? You're driving me nuts. And so we kind of different— differently from how you would work with your daughter because of her age, we want to take a back seat a little bit with the feelings talk. And what we want to do is we want to be very clear, very neutral, So if you say no to something and he starts screaming, just a quick, we don't scream, or just a quick, don't yell at me. We need to draw the line, right? They need to know right from wrong, like every single day, just quick in the moment. Can you give me an example of when your son would have a tantrum?

Something as silly as he wanted water. It's in his bottle. It was cool, but he wanted it cold. Like, no, like seriously, it can be things that is that silly. He will just explode like a, like a little volcano. And it'll be like, I'm talking like the loudest screams you could imagine out of a 3-year-old. And, uh, and it will persist, like it will not end. So there are times where I come down and I'll grab and I'll just hug him and I'll pat him and he will calm down. Sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes he'll just start smacking me and hitting me. So it's super hard to, like, it throws off my own, you know, judgment.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's a great question. I hear you trying to find the balance between structure and nurture. So I think in these cases, it's important to remember like 3 things with this age group is that we don't want to overindulge with feelings talk, which is why you're probably getting hit when he, when you're trying to give him a hug or tell him to take deep breaths, or he's like, you're telling him you're frustrated and he's just like, wah, get out of my face. Right? Like, this is way too much for me. Stop trying to have a lecture with me. Right. The second is we want to make sure that our actions with this age group are consistent and corrective. Very, very quick and to the point. So like I said, we don't yell, we don't hit, we don't— this very neutral. Now, if he's complaining that his water is not cold enough, he's not just complaining, he's screaming, right?

Yeah, yeah.

We come in we make our statement, which is usually like 3 words. We don't yell. Take the water from him, because I'm assuming it's in his hands, and put it on the counter or up high or hold it. That's your consistent corrective action. Very simple consequence. You yell when you're holding something, I take the thing. That might send you into a bigger tantrum, but that's okay. That's only going to happen at first. And what you want to do is say very clearly, when your body is calm, I'll tell you how to get colder water. And when he looks at you, he's going to be like, wait, what? Or you might say something more enticing like, I can help you get colder water, let me know when you're ready, and just hold his water, right? Stay positive. Now he's going to slow down real fast and look at you and say, wait, what? And you're going to say, okay, can you add more ice please? And the minute he says that, right, you're literally— I literally mean feed him the words. When he literally says, 'Can I have more ice, please?' Something that is not screaming, I want you to say, 'Oh my goodness, of course you can, no problem,' and get the ice and give it to him immediately. Now, this is not going to stick after the first time. This is not going to stick after the second time or the 20th time. This is why raising a 3-year-old is extremely difficult and extremely tiring because we have to stay consistent and corrective over and over and over and over and over and have faith that maybe the 50th time or maybe the 30th time, if you're lucky, this will stick. When this age group is screaming for that long, all that tells me is that they don't have the words. So what do we have to do? We have to give him the words.

Give them the words. I love that you went through that example because actually, hilariously, the problem was we I actually did run out of ice. Okay. So then what do you do? You know, because I actually tried to explain that calmly and it ended into a worse spiral. Sure.

So that's a tricky situation, right? Because now you just, you wouldn't want to feed him the words to say, can I have more ice please?

If you know you ran out.

All you want to say in that moment is still do the same thing. If he's screaming or tantruming or whining or acting in a way that is unacceptable, I want you to just pause the moment, right? We don't yell. We don't whine. And remove something, whether it's him from the situation, whether it's taking the water away, and then just wait, right? We don't teach to a kid who's yelling. We don't talk to a kid who's screaming. We wait. It's extremely unproductive. He will not absorb anything. So now in your brain, you know there's no ice. So what do we teach him to say? We teach him to say something different, but that will still achieve the same goal. You can teach him to say, "This water is not cold enough." You could teach him to say, "Can I have a colder drink?" And then what you could say is, "Sure, these are your options for a colder drink because we've run out of ice." And now you actually have a kid who's listening. You're not trying to talk a kid down from screaming by being like, "Listen, listen, I know you're upset, but we don't have ice. The ice is out right now. Otherwise I would make it colder for you, but I can't. And now he's still screaming and we've done nothing, right? We haven't taught him any skills. So we could just say, can I have a colder drink? Because when he brings his body to say that, I know for a fact he's calmer. So his brain is going to be able to think more logically right off the bat. And so you'll say, thank you so much for asking for a colder drink. Unfortunately— now he's listening. We don't have any more ice. Oh, but I do have whatever it might be. I have some orange juice in the refrigerator and I have some apple juice. If you want, I could add a dash of that to your water to make it a little bit colder. Is that something you would want, or do you want the water that you have?

Right?

And the bottom line is you're not fixing the problem, you're just trying to regulate his nervous system. Because the more we teach him to communicate in a calm way, the more his body will develop a habit of being— causing, right? And processing what it is that he wants and asking for it, because he'll get a much better result. Always ask yourself, is he trying to get something? Because if he's trying to get something, I'd rather first teach him how to ask for it in an appropriate way, even if it's something that he really wants that I don't want him to have. Sometimes we need to be a little more lenient at first, right? If you just said, no, you can't go outside, or no, you can't have another bite of cookie, and he starts tantruming, well, whoa, is it really a huge deal that he has a bite of one more bite of that cookie right now? Or is it more important that we teach him how to ask for it kindly? So maybe he starts breaking down. You say, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, I actually might consider giving you another bite, but you need to ask for it in a different way.

Right?

And now we remove everything, or we remove him. We say, I'll teach you a better way to ask for it. You let me know when you're ready. And now he actually has an incentive to stop crying. And you're gonna say, hey, you just say, can I have one more bite, please? Or when can I have another bite? And we'll say, you know what, because you asked so nicely, I'm gonna let you have another bite after we finish 2 more bites of this sandwich.

Right.

And now he's like, whoa, my voice works. I can communicate when something feels hard. I don't need to sit here screaming, right? Because we see it as defiant, bratty. He cries when he doesn't get his way. But well, whoa, backtrack and say, let's teach him how to get his way first using the right words. And then slowly we could, you know, crack down the hammer as the weeks go on and say, you know what, no, "Thank you for asking so nicely, but we're going to keep it right here on the counter and you could have it tomorrow." I was just about to say, but that means he's always going to learn that if I ask, I get what I want.

So you got to have a— so I think the approach of letting him, his voice have an impact, but then slowly creeping in a few nos, nos, and then just increasing the frequency kind of, so until it kind of stabilizes.

That's right. Yep.

Okay.

You're actually empowering him. You're showing him that Tantruming will get you absolutely nothing, but using respectful and responsible voices can actually get you like 95% of what you want. Because the bottom line is it's not what they're asking for that's bothering us, it's how they're going about it, right? That's what's bothering you. If you worked at a department store and some angry customer came up to you and said, this is ridiculous, you guys are the worst, This has a stain and I never coming back here again. You'd be like, okay, leave. I don't want to help you. Right. But if that guy came and he said, listen, I know you guys are working so hard, but this thing that you sold me had a stain on it. And I just wanted to bring it to your attention because I really don't think that this is acceptable. Uh, you know, you'd be like, whoa, oh my gosh, what can we do for you? We want to give you a free thing and an extra thing because you want to know why? Because you were respectful. And that goes a long way. We want to teach our kids that, that respect is going to get you a lot further than tantruming and yelling. And so that's the more important lesson in my opinion, that your kid says— you say it's bedtime and your kid's like, no, I want to keep playing outside, and screaming. You're gonna be like, that's it, it's bedtime now, right? Like, now because you just tantrumed like that and fought me and can't hear the word no, I'm gonna drag you up to bed. But hey, let's rewind and say, hey guys, it's bedtime, we got to wrap up. And your kid said, oh my gosh, I am loving playing this soccer game. Can I have 2 more minutes, Dad? How could you say no to that? Right?

How could you say no?

Because what he just did was something so respectful and responsible. And it's not so much about following and obeying everything that you say right when you say it. It's about responding in a mature way, and that's what we need to really teach our kids how to do, starting from a very young age. We can do this.

I love it. Yeah, so true.

So I think it's— the big takeaway here is that both children essentially need the same thing in different forms. They need confidence and they need skills. Your daughter needs confidence that she's lovable without pleasing everybody, and your son needs the confidence that he can handle frustration or better ask for what he wants without falling apart.

I'm super grateful for this, uh, for this call. So yeah, like, uh, super, super simple, super practical advice. Thank you so much for your time.

As we wrap up, remember this: a child who people pleases and a child who melts down can look like really different problems, but underneath they need the same two things: confidence and skills. The sensitive kid needs to know they're lovable without needing to earn it. And the spirited kid needs to know they can handle frustration and ask for what they want without falling apart. Your job is never to make a kind child less kind or a spirited child less spirited. It's to stay close, stay neutral, and show them that you're not scared of who they are. When you stop rushing to fix and start teaching, you give your child something far more powerful than a solution. You uncover the tools they already have inside of them. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who you need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or review. It really helps. If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure, High Nurture course. The Signature Systematic Approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.