Transforming Parenthood | The Parent Coaching Chair hosted by Julie Fragnito, MS Ed.
2 Mar 2026 · 18 min
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In this episode of the Parent Coaching Chair Podcast, host Julie Fragnito, MS Ed., conducts a real‑time coaching session with a mother of two who recounts a bedtime incident where her 6‑year‑old daughter got slime in her hair, leading the mother to take the slime away and, in a moment of overwhelm, briefly cover the child's mouth. The mother feels deep regret and seeks guidance on whether her reaction was appropriate and how to handle similar situations in the future. Julie validates the mother’s feelings, highlights what she did well (clear warning, consistent consequence, calm removal of the slime), and points out the missing nurturing component. She explains how the child likely interpreted the event as a threat to her self‑worth, describing the internal narrative of “I made a mistake, I’m the worst, Mom hates me.” Julie introduces the concept of “planful ignoring,” advising the parent to wait for a calmer moment before addressing the child’s feelings, to validate emotions, and to use gentle, firm language (“stop grabbing the slime”) while offering a skill‑building alternative (asking when the child can have the slime again). The conversation also covers the importance of repair after dysregulation, emphasizing empathy, consistent boundaries, and reassurance of love. Julie reinforces that parenting moments do not define a parent, encourages self‑compassion, and promotes ongoing learning. The episode concludes with a call to action for listeners to rate the podcast and offers resources such as a high‑structure, high‑nurture course with a discount code.
Chapters
In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a mom of two. We talk honestly about what happens when overwhelm takes over, including a moment she regrets and how repair, compassion, and growth can come after. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair Podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. In today's episode, we dive into a moment so many parents know all too well: when a simple boundary turns into a full-blown emotional storm. Listen in as we explore a vulnerable moment when a mom reacts in a way that she really wishes she hadn't. If you've ever walked away from a hard parenting moment feeling guilty, exhausted, or unsure how to do better next time, this episode is for you. Let's get started.
So we had an episode a few weeks ago with our daughter. She's 6 years old. It was nearing bedtime. Um, both of the kids were actually playing with slime and we had let them know when they had got the slime out, just make sure you guys don't get it in your hair. You can play with it, but don't put it in your hair. Don't put it on your face or obviously your clothes, which inevitably happened. And I, I don't think our son really, he's 3, he didn't really understand like, oh, this is gonna stick in my hair. I was downstairs, my husband was with them and it had happened and he had just mentioned, hey, you guys, you can't do that. If you choose to do that again, we'll have to take the slime away. And so our daughter Did it again. She put it in her hair and I almost don't know if it was like intentional or she was just being like unaware that it was so close to her hair, but it got in her hair. And so I said, hey, we have to take the slime away, which we did very calmly. We put it in the bucket and she like completely went off the rails. Um, screaming, crying, and we didn't really say anything. We just put it back away. And as we were trying to move away with the bucket of slime in my hand, she kept trying to grab it, and very easily, I had to take her fingers off of the handle. And while she was continuing to scream and shout very loudly, we had let them know, "We have to go into the shower and wash this out. It's in their hair." So we went in the bathroom, just me and her, and she continued to scream so loudly. It was like my ears were starting to hurt. And I know it was a weak moment on my part. I— reacted. I went up to her, and I put my hand over her mouth for a hot second, and I very quickly took it away because I knew that was the wrong decision. So I decided, "We gotta get out of the bathroom. The sound that's so loud, we have to get out of here. It's obviously dysregulating me," and I didn't want to leave her. I took her. She wasn't willing at first to walk upstairs to her bedroom, but she did. I said, "You can walk, or I can carry you," and she eventually walked upstairs with me, and I shut the door and I just sat on the floor and she continued to scream and cry. And when she gets that dysregulated, she will start to say things, which obviously I don't think she even knows what she's saying, but she said, if you don't let me out now, I'm gonna give it to you. And I didn't, I didn't say anything. I usually sit down, close my eyes, and I just, I plug my ears with my fingers cuz like if I keep hearing how intense this is, I'm going to react again. So I sat there, it was probably a good 10 minutes that it occurred again. And she calmed down and I had first off apologized to her for putting my hand on her mouth. I told her, I made a mistake. I shouldn't have done that. We don't use our hands or our bodies when we're angry at somebody or upset. I said, I need to regulate myself some more before we talk. So we did later on and she of course was more regulated then. She said she was just upset about the fact that it got taken away and She understood everything. So I guess two questions. One, I don't even know if that was the right decision. Was that the right thing or should I handle it a completely different way? Like, what would your take on that be?
Thank you. That story is extremely vulnerable to share.
Mm-hmm.
And I, so many mothers can relate to being in this place of, mm-hmm, okay, I'm calm. I'm calm. I am doing literally all the things that I'm quote unquote supposed to be doing.
Mm-hmm.
And it's not working. And so when it doesn't work and our nervous systems are in overdrive, well, Yeah, sometimes the yells come out, sometimes physical things come out, and you immediately knew, oh my gosh, this was not a good choice, but still it was a knee-jerk reaction of yours to have that. And I think it's worth noting that you are not alone in those moments. Seems like, oh my gosh, why is this still going on? Why is it so intense? Why is this happening? Why am I being driven to this point? It's first I wanna begin. By diving into the moment of the slime, there's a lot of good things that I think you did in this moment, and I wanna start by highlighting the positives. We said slime can't go in the hair. We gave a warning, we provided a clear consequence, and when that expectation was not met, we met them with the consequence. We followed through, we did exactly what we said we were gonna do. We took the slime away by taking action. You took her hands off of it when she tried to grab it. You remained calm and took it away, right? And I think that part was executed beautifully. Now, when a child has a reaction like this, my gears start turning. Most parents would dive into, she just can't hear the word no, and she can't tolerate it, and she needs to hear it more often to get used to it, and too bad. And we know that I always strive to aim for a balance of structure and nurture in all of these moments. And so I love that you led with structure, but I think the missing piece here is following it up with nurture and understanding. When she was having her tantrum, it was really a solid choice on your part to not engage with it, right? You were like, I am not going to engage with this screaming and yelling, but I'm gonna put a little asterisk there and say you were letting it play out kind of, and the reason I'm saying kind of is because her routine kept going. The shower kept happening. Then she was in her room and mom was still not saying anything. And so she's reacting because she can't hear the word no, or she's reacting because she's upset she can't play with the slime anymore. Kind of feels like it's not the whole picture for me. Kids that feel this way. Take these moments as a dig to their personal self-worth. And I'm gonna explain what I mean by that. And you can tell me if you've noticed this in other moments with her after I explain, cuz I'm curious to know if you've spotted these patterns in the past. Let's say mom and dad come in with this rule that slime got in the hair. Slime doesn't go in the hair. If slime gets in the hair again, then we take it away. Slime goes in the hair again. We take it away. I'll tell you what was going through her brain in that moment. I made a mistake. I messed everything up. I am wrong. Mom and Dad hate me. I am the worst. I ruin everything. And to us, that sounds super dramatic, but to a kid that feels things intensely, feels this way first. They put their self-worth on the line, and I'm gonna explain to you practically what to do in response to that. But before I do, I'm curious to hear, does that resonate with you?
Definitely. I think that I felt that that night. I mean, I still feel like that. I feel like we made it worse and we made her feel like that in the midst of everything. Mm. So yeah, I would agree. I felt terrible that day. Yeah.
And I appreciate you saying that because it hurts to hear those words spoken, right? I love your decision to take the thing away, but where was the conversation about her self-worth? So instead of moving through her tantrum by using your routine, like, okay, well, we have to get in the shower, come on, right? Almost in a way feels like we're ignoring these screams out for help. What we need to do is what I like to call planful ignoring. And what I mean by that is, I have something that I want to tell you, but I'll wait until I hear a little bit more quiet so I can tell you. And then you sit on the floor and wait, and you don't move on to the next thing yet. And what I want you to explain is, I have a feeling it was a mistake that it got in your hair. Was it just a mistake? Oh, that is so frustrating. Can you show me what was happening with the slime? When it got in your hair? Like, were you bending down to pick it up and the piece that was on the table accidentally got stuck? Like, what happened? Sometimes our little 6-year-old hands aren't the most coordinated. Maybe she was just 6 years old and really curious and was like, hey, I wonder if it's actually gonna stick in my hair. And then she was like, uh-oh, like, oh shoot, right? It actually did. And so even if she was upfront and honest with you about that, I would be like, oh my gosh, thank you so much for telling me. Because the way I see it is she just kept escalating and escalating and escalating in an attempt to say, Mom, do you hear me?
Yeah.
When we feel like someone doesn't hear us, we get louder.
Yeah.
And so what's happening here is we needed to maybe sit on the floor and say, Come sit on my lap. I have some questions for you, but I can't ask you them until your tears are done. So I will wait. And the way we seal the deal is by helping her look toward the future and reassuring her that you still love her. Our kids that feel things intensely need to hear it. And it's crazy. Sometimes you're like, they know I still love them.
Come on.
They don't. They actually need that reassurance from you more often than not. Not a big moment of like pouring attention into them. It's more just about how that got in your hair. I see it really was a mistake. That was really bad timing because I had just said, if it gets in your hair, I'm gonna take it away. But you know what? Next time, I think you're gonna be able to do it and I still love you. Now let's get up in the shower. How do you feel when you hear me say that?
Sorry, I gotta take a breath. I'm feeling a little emotional about the whole situation.
I really, really appreciate you saying that, and I want you to let it out. Can you speak to what you're feeling?
It feels so horrible. I felt, I just, I know I felt awful that night. I couldn't sleep. I know that it could have went completely different. And I think that everything you just said, I think is exactly how she felt. And that's why I don't, I wanna know how to do it better next time because I feel like I never know when to say something when she's having those moments. Um, so yeah, I, I feel like that's the right thing. What you're saying is exactly how I feel like she felt. And it hurts me to think that, like, we made her feel that way. It wasn't like she did it unintentionally or she didn't think about it. Like, we don't play with slime all the time. This isn't something that's normal. To think that she did it on accident, but we're like, "Nope, gotta do it." Like, we weren't trying to be nurturing at all. I think we were just like, "No, we said what we said and this is what's gonna happen, so." I feel terrible. I know she, she got through it and we got through it together, but I definitely, this makes me feel better about how to approach it better next time. I think she would handle this much better.
I wanna just mention that it's not these single moments that define us as mothers, as parents, and you did amazing things in this moment, including repairing with your child at the end of this all. But I think it's really important to also note that it doesn't mean you're going to get it perfect every time, right? As a result of this call, it doesn't mean you're going to go forth and be like, I'm never going to mess up again. It will probably happen again, just like it does for me, just like it does for every other mom. And these feelings that you're having tell me so much about who you are as a person, because you are one with your child. The minute you hear what she could have potentially been feeling emotionally, your heart bursts into pieces. And that's what makes us make these changes, right? And it speaks measures that you're here because it's just showing how much you actually care and how much you do love her. I think it's important to have these conversations, not so that they go away, but so that we're just more equipped and aware of the patterns that keep repeating themselves. Every single time. I love kids that feel things intensely like your daughter. She is one of my favorite types of children, and the reason is this: she will keep coming back. She will never stop. She is most likely super persistent. She is most likely relentless when it comes to getting something she wants. And I hear you saying, mm-hmm, and what I'm saying, she will give you another chance. And another chance and another chance again and again and again because of how connected and deep she really is. And I love kids like this because they will just keep telling you every time you get it wrong until you get it right. That's the beauty of your daughter. And I think we need to kind of take that as a positive in that you will have plenty more opportunities to deal with her big feelings. And they're each gonna be a test at strengthening, you know, that muscle in you to stick to your structure, which I think you're really solid at. And then also pausing maybe a little bit sooner to just try and get her perspective in a neutral way.
Sounds good. I think that that all, all makes a lot of sense. I guess I do have one quick question. Mm-hmm. Is if I do, like if say that whole scenario happened again and I have the bucket of slime in my hand and she keeps trying to grab it and I, I remove it from her hand. If she's still trying to like grab at it or grab at me, like, do I, like, what do I just continue to do? Like, I'll just wait till you're like, it's more quiet. I have something to tell you. Like, do I just keep going for it?
That's a great question. If she continues to keep grabbing at it, one, with our action, As leaders, we make sure it is out of reach. We also say something like, stop, right? It's okay to put on your firm mama voice and your firm pants and say, stop grabbing at the slime, right? Like right in the eye and be firm about it. Now, when we say that, we also want to replace it with a skill. So she wants something she can't have. So whether or not she's feeling emotions underneath all of this, That conversation gets held for a later time. We don't come in with feelings talk. We come in with, you can't have the slime, it's going up high, stop reaching for it, right? Once she does, you can replace it with a skill by offering to her that she can say, when can I play with it again? Because in a 6-year-old's mind, they're thinking slime is getting taken away. I'm never gonna play with it again. Is that true? Yep. Of course not. But what can we equip her with when she sees something get taken away, which probably happens a lot, right? We do not reach and grab and pull and yank at it. Uh-uh. You can ask me, when can I play with the slime next? And once she does, then full on give her your attention and engage with that. You know what? I'm gonna talk to Dad about it and we're gonna decide, or I think we're gonna try again after we eat dinner. Let's see if you guys can try again without getting it in our hair.
Yeah, definitely. Thank you very much.
As we wrap up, here's something important to remember. Your child's big feelings never mean that you need to change your limit. Feelings deserve empathy. Boundaries deserve consistency. You can validate feelings without removing structure, and you should. That balance is what builds emotional safety and trust. Resilience. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. Please know that your experience here matters to me. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or review. That's one small way you can pay it forward. If you're looking for more support, You'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure, High Nurture course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.
