Parenting a Child Who Pushes Back Hard and Thinks They Know Better

In today's episode, I speak with parents of two kids and invite you into our real-time coaching session as we unpack what to do when one child's big emotions, slammed doors, and harsh words leave you feeling like the worst parent in the room. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. In today's episode, you'll learn about an older child who's starting to feel overlooked, frustrated, and desperate to be heard. We zoom in on a much bigger question many parents are quietly carrying: How do I support all of my kids without losing one in the process? We talk about what to do when a child pushes back hard, insists they know better and grabs for control.

Let's get started.

We have a 6-year-old boy that has diagnosed PANDAS. PANDAS is a disease caused from strep that crosses the brain barrier and it causes inflammation in the brain that attacks the frontal lobe. So he has no real control of emotions. He has no real control of his body. He can be very angry to the point of throwing things, breaking things. And we have a 10-year-old daughter. She feels left out that We don't give her enough attention. She feels that he's the star child. And so because she feels like that, I think that she tries to lash out negatively to get that attention. As the months go on, it just keeps getting worse and worse.

She had missed some school last week from being sick, so she had a lot of makeup homework to do. So we're doing the makeup homework and I'm giving her, you know, 10-minute breaks here and there. And one of the times she wanted to go put makeup on. So she did her face with extravagant makeup, which we normally don't let her do, but you know, it was her little break and she went to wash it off and it like caused rash on her face. So the next morning she came down and she was gonna start putting makeup on her face and I was like, don't put makeup on your face. I don't want your face to be more irritated from the rash. She was like, but why?

I want to.

And I was like, because your face is red from the makeup. And she starts jumping up and down and throwing a fit. She's like, but I want to.

Not from the makeup, it was from the red.

And then so she starts like throwing a fit basically. She was like, it's my face. I can do what I want. I'm leaving. I'm going upstairs. So she proceeded to go upstairs and put makeup on her face. My husband was in the office working and he came out. He's like, what's going on? Why are you putting makeup on your face? Didn't your mom tell you you can't put makeup on your face? She's like, it's my body. I can do what I want. Leave me alone. Slams the bathroom door. And so those types of situations happen a lot.

A lot of things.

She thinks that we're bad parents because we tell her no. It's like she thinks she knows better pretty much about any situation.

The way she's showing her feelings is not appropriate, and that's why we're here, right? The biggest reason might be. That her brother needs special attention from you. Sure. But there also might be a limits and boundaries conversation that needs to come into play. I want you both to take a deep breath because you're putting a lot of pressure on yourselves. You are not the bad guy that she wants nothing to do with. In fact, all she wants is you. What I want you to do is not get swallowed up by your fears. Our daughter is going to grow up thinking that we love her brother more than her.

Like, that's one of my biggest fears, that sh— they're not gonna ever like each other.

So let's dive into the practical stuff. Let's go back to that homework moment. She's going off to put on her makeup, then she takes it off. Now there's a rash.

That towel has a, uh, in the corner it has a tag, and I guess when she was scrubbing, she used the tag because she thought the tag would get it off better. And the tag is, you know, very coarse and very hard.

I just said, you know, it's just red because you scrubbed it too hard. It should be better by the morning, which it was the next morning. It was gone.

So that next day when she had asked, can I put makeup on again? What was the dialogue there?

Well, she didn't even ask. She just started to put it on and I said, don't put it on because you don't want to get a rash on your face. And she's like, Well, it wasn't from the makeup. It was from the red.

I'm gonna just say it straight out. She's right. It wasn't from the makeup. What it's sounding like is you started feeling that disrespect setting in and you put your foot down even harder because you were like, whoa, this is not okay. And so when our kids feel like we're not hearing them, they go into these default modes of I know everything. You guys are the worst parents. And they'll start saying things like, it's my body, I'm gonna do what I want, and start grabbing control over every little thing that they can grasp at. If we rewind that moment and she comes back with a, it wasn't that that gave me the rash, it was the towel. That was an opportunity to take a step back and listen to her. You know what? You're right about that. It was the towel. Does this mean that I'm gonna set you up for a perfect moment to follow?

No.

But what we're gonna do is we're gonna loosen the intensity on her nervous system in that moment instead of tightening the knot even more and digging our feet even more. Now she goes upstairs and goes to get it anyway. Behavioral science tells us that behaviors that keep repeating themselves are the ones that we as parents are reinforcing. So as a 10-year-old who is developing and growing, her brain is calculating whether it's intentional or not. When I push a little or get really loud or slam a door or run off, I get what I want anyway, because at the end of the day, she did. As our children get bigger and older, it is more difficult, which is why we do it now when she is still in her preteen years. To say that is not a choice. Whether dad has to sprint up the stairs and get it first, or mom has to say, hey, I need to talk to you for a minute before you go up those stairs with a firm voice. Don't take the makeup. You can't have the makeup. We don't want you using the makeup right now. Well, what did she do? She used the makeup. Our words meant nothing. The action that had to follow was stopping her from getting it or taking the makeup away. We need to prohibit. Her from getting access to something, because every time she does, her brain wires, when I do this, I get this. We need to change that wiring. So how do we do that? We need to teach them a better way to get it. How does this sound? Dad stops her from going up the stairs to get it. If you want that, now is not a good time to have it. We're not okay with you using it right now, but If you ask, can I use it in an hour? Or can I use it when I get home from school? The answer will be absolutely yes. Do you wanna practice? Let her give it a shot. If she doesn't wanna talk about it right now, then you say, I'll wait till you're ready. But she needs a better skill to get what she wants. The makeup right now is not a choice. So sometimes that literally means we have to take it away. Maybe she doesn't get it back until she asks for it appropriately, but either way, she cannot get that thing.

I feel like we've tried, you know, well, why don't you ask your dad nicely and he probably will be a little bit more willing. How do we navigate that when she says, no, I'm not gonna ask nicely.

If she pushes back, this conversation is delayed. Mom and Dad need to show your words have meaning. That doesn't mean we stand there endlessly explaining ourselves, or that we stand there bargaining and lecturing. Our words mean nothing without action. Okay, when you're ready to talk about it respectfully, I'll be right here. Mom and Dad, go about your day. Wash a dish, fold a blanket. Stay nearby. Don't be dismissive. Don't tell her she's being ridiculous. She's having a moment. We don't like to have unproductive conversations. We like to maximize our connection with each other. And when we're being pouty and disrespectful, the conversation can wait because we're not gonna get anywhere. When a child has big emotional reactions to things, and I'm not downplaying this, it's hard. It is overwhelming. It is scary. You're trying to keep the peace, but what's happening is she is absorbing that and she's saying, my parents are like tiptoeing around me. And leaders need to be steady in two things. We need to be steady in our emotions and we need to be steady in our decisions. And if our kids for one minute think that they have the power to manipulate either one of those things with their behaviors or their feelings, the system gets broken. Does it mean it can't be fixed? Absolutely not. It is never too late, but we need to prove to her that we mean what we say. This is emotional stuff. It is hard to have a child who has certain needs. It is hard to have a child who thinks you're the worst. And so by putting your foot down in this way, you might feel like you're making the separation between you and her even bigger. And that's what a lot of parents fear when they're in a situation like this. But what I'm here to tell you is that the more consistent you are with this, the closer she will grow to you. Why? Because she's going to start speaking to you with kindness. She's gonna start asking for things with respect. And when we feel that in a relationship, gosh, isn't it great to be with somebody like that? You're gonna wanna do more with her. She's gonna wanna do more with you. And so I think what happens here is structure is actually opening up her world.

One of the things she says a lot when I say, you know, ask nicely or you're being disrespectful is, I'm not being disrespectful.

Instead of saying, use your words, be respectful. We model it right back to them without judgment. So if she says to you, Mom, I wanna watch TV. Mom, can I watch TV please? And wait. She looks at you and still doesn't repeat it. Okay, well, when you're ready, you can ask for it kindly. You've modeled it, you've set the boundary, and maybe you've taken away the remote when you said that. She needs to feel the pressure of not All behaviors are okay. All feelings are fine, but right now it feels like it's kind of muddy for her. She's not really sure what's getting her what she wants. Is it her big emotions? Or is it the way she's asking for things, like really powerfully? Let's talk about this in terms of what she's getting away with when it comes to her brother. And if she's watching something that you're giving him or doing for him, and she says you love him more, or That's not fair, or you don't do that for me. In those moments, our response to those things are key in building their respect and love for each other. And as the leader in the house, we don't tolerate sentences like that. That's not helpful. That's not productive. That's not loving. So what does that mean? We need to give her the words for that. When she says, that's not fair. He gets that. I don't get that. I want you to look her right in the eye and without jumping in with a, of course we love you, we do that for you too, he needs this right now. We're giving into that type of conversation. So what is she getting for speaking that way? Your attention. She's probably trying to say something like, why is he getting that right now? Teach her to say that. You don't love me. He was getting that and I don't get that. I think you're wondering why he's getting what he's getting. If you want to talk about it more, I'm happy to chat with you about it. Just let me know. Do you see what I did there? I care deeply. I'm not dismissing her, but what I'm saying is I won't engage with that level of comments. I will not give you attention for that level of wording. But if you want to ask, why does he get that and I don't get that? I'm so glad you asked that. Let's sit down at the table and I'll draw a picture of his brain and your brain, and I'll explain to you why Daddy and I have to do certain things for your brother that maybe seem unfair.

So let's just say we say no to him about something, he throws a fit, and then she decides to say, this is why they said no, and, and be that parent figure. How do we handle that?

When she makes a comment like that, you can't do that because Mom and Dad said no. My bet is that when she does that, you guys jump in with a, we already told him that, you don't need to tell him that, we're the parents, you're not the parents.

Is that kind of what the response is?

Yeah, spot on. I want you to look at her and say very neutrally, thanks, we already took care of that, and redirect your attention to something else. I gave it probably 10 seconds of attention. I didn't overfill her with attention. I just drew the line. We already took care of that.

Thanks.

Turn around and go do something else. That's not how you're gonna get my love and attention. And what she's doing here is she is trying so hard because she's like, ooh, this is working. When I do that, they freak out and I get so much more attention than my brother. It's great. And we don't wanna train her body to think that. We need to limit our attention when our kids are not doing the right thing. And we need to pour our attention into them when they're doing the right things. She is getting a disproportionate amount of your eyes and words, maybe even closeness when she's not doing the right thing.

And to be honest, I do have a short fuse, so it's usually a back and forth between her and I for a good 10 minutes. So I'll, I'll be the guilty culprit here. I will sit and argue with her for 20 minutes.

And you hate those moments.

I'm willing to bet.

With every ounce of blood in my body.

And on the flip side, she lives for those 20 minutes. When you go to bed at night, I want you to remind yourself, are those the 20 minutes I want my kid to live for with me?

No.

I would so much rather be doing something good and positive with her for 20 minutes. And so what I want you to remember is that lectures, words, arguing, They teach our kids nothing. Saying our boundary and limit very clearly and taking action and following through on our words neutrally teaches them everything and instant behavior change because they don't have a choice to not behave. And then you're gonna start growing even closer to your kid. And is this gonna happen overnight?

No.

Are you gonna make one step forward and take three steps back the next day? Yes, but you need to start ingraining those positive attention moments in her, and they will exponentially begin to grow over the days, over the weeks, as long as you are consistent with that.

Parenting a child with PANDAS or any autoimmune or special healthcare needs adds layers of complexity that most families never have to carry. And it's okay to name how heavy that can feel. You are navigating real neurological and emotional challenges while still trying to show up as a steady, loving leader for all of your children. And here's the piece I want you to hold onto. It's not the quantity of attention that shapes your child's sense of security. It's the quality. Short, intentional moments of calm, respectful connection are far more powerful than hours spent negotiating, arguing, or managing emotional storms. When structure and follow-through are paired with warmth, those moments become grounding, healing, and deeply connecting for every child in your home. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure, High Nurture course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.