The Secret to Smoother Transitions: when leaving the beach turns into a full blown power struggle

In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a mom navigating one of the most common parenting challenges: transitions. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. What starts as a fun, connected family day quickly turns into resistance, ignoring, and a full-blown shutdown when it's time to go. Despite giving warnings and doing all the right things, this mom finds herself in a power struggle with her 5-year-old, leaving everyone frustrated and disconnected.

Let's get started.

I have an only child and he is 5 years old. The transition between preferred activity to non-preferred activity seems like our biggest hurdle throughout the years, I would say. So we live in a place by the beach, and I would say the beach is our second home as a family. We're typically there every other weekend. And so, um, about 2 weeks ago, like, the familiar pattern kind of played out. Um, I gave him the 10-minute warning that we needed to leave for lunch And then, you know, we need to leave. We're leaving in 10 minutes. And I get the usual kind of rebuttal, like he, he absolutely loves the beach. Like this is his number one favorite activity is just so he could play at the beach all day. So I got the usual rebuttal of no, mom, let's stay. Let's stay 10 more minutes, 5 more minutes. And then eventually he says, okay, fine, let's go. So when the clock ran out, I announced, okay, it's time to leave. And this is kind of where the shutdown kind of begins. Like, it starts with this ignoring, you know, it's as if he doesn't even hear me. I'm like, you know, the second, the third, the fourth request, it's time to go, we need to go. And then it, and it usually ends up with him running off almost like towards the water or away from Mom and Dad. And then like, I have to run after him and I'm like, okay, this is where my frustration kind of starts to boil in. And then I'm like, okay, is he even hearing me at this point? Um, so then I follow him down to the water and looking him in the eye and basically placing, I guess, a demand on him more and more. It's time to go. Let's go. We need to grab lunch. And it's almost as if like he doesn't hear me, you know, like the, it's just ignoring. And then he almost becomes this like deadweight child to where I'm like physically grabbing his arm and, you know, and he knows we're in public. He knows that mom doesn't want to make a scene in front of everyone. So he kind of uses that to his advantage as well. So it's this power struggle between him wanting to stay. Ignoring my, you know, demands. And I even set the 10-minute timer and it seems like it's been this, okay, what do I do next? You know, you know, I'm taking him to the showers, you know, still feel the dead weight overall. It's like this strong-willed, defiant son that does not want to go. And it's really hard to get him out of the zone, you know? And then I find out like You know, once we do get him in the car, showered off, cleaned up, you know, he holds this like resentment towards us. And I, and I hate that because I don't want my son to hold— have grudges towards his parents. And it just becomes this like heartbreaking cycle where he's like sitting in the car really mad and kind of angry at us. And, um, you know, it's like we don't want to keep this cycle going, but yet I want to make sure he knows the boundaries, he's respectful. I mean, my husband and I are— I don't want to say strong on him, but like, we do not let him get away with anything, you know. We're kind and firm when it comes to disciplining him too. So I just don't want him to be in this cycle of, I'm mad, my parents ruined my day, and Where do we go from here? You know?

Sure. Thank you. It feels like a losing battle. I'm setting a timer. I'm giving him a heads up. What happens when those things fail? And I think so many parents are in this same boat. I want to tell you that you're not doing anything wrong. Transitions are one of the most common friction points in parenting. They are extremely difficult because oftentimes we are expecting our kids to move from something that they really are enjoying to something often that is less enjoyable. And that's where it really gets tricky, right? It's easy when we're going the opposite way from, hey, this is something that's not that great and we're going to something even greater. I'm sure it's super easy to get them into the car to get to the beach, but you know, it's the leaving that's really difficult or, you know, leaving grandma and grandpa's house or leaving things that they love. And so I just want to kind of point out that this is nothing wrong with your child. And even though it feels like defiance, it's really that he is lacking skills. He is having difficulty, right? That's literally what all of his body language is telling me. It's not like, oh, he's a bad kid. He's manipulating you. He's pushing because I know that it's really important to you to make sure that your kid is doing the right thing, right? Your husband and you are both firm and kind and you don't really let him get away with stuff. And now it's like, oh my gosh, it looks like we're getting away with stuff. And that's a really hard feeling to feel, especially when you're working so hard to do a good job as a parent. And so I appreciate you being here, and you've come to the right place. And I think I want to point out to you that, you know, when kids have to transition, it requires them to do so much that we aren't realizing at once. They're being required to stop doing what they're doing. They're being required to shift their attention to something new. And then they're also being required to tolerate disappointment all at the same time. And that's a lot, especially for young kids. And to us, it feels like a one-step process, like, come on, get off the beach and let's go. But for them, it's this really, really intricate thing that we need to kind of break down.

I think it's overall, I, I want tips and tools in my tool belt, you know, to pull out to, to help him with this process, you know. I don't want it to be a struggle for both of us and for us to just be mad at the end of a beautiful beach day, you know. I think that's the hardest part, is that we're loving parents, we want the best for our son, and we want to make the most of our weekends, you know. And then when we put the demand on him that his fun time has to end, it doesn't mean it's completely over for the day. It just means this activity is over for the day and we have to move on to the next thing. So, um, yeah, I'm excited to hear just, you know, anything that you could add to the way I'm wording things, the way I'm doing things that could help, I guess, process it a lot easier and not to seem like as if mom and dad are ruining his, his day.

I think that's a really important layer that you mentioned that so many parents struggle with. It's almost like this feeling that you're getting that he's ungrateful or he has like a really bad attitude because he's struggling to notice the good and It's probably difficult for you because you sound like a fairly optimistic person where you're like, hey, we just brought you to the beach and we just did all this stuff for you. And now it feels like we were the worst people who did this terrible thing for you. And you're going off feeling unappreciated in a way. And that hurts, right? That hurts as a parent who is present.

Exactly. Yeah. You hit it on the head. Like, exactly. It's It seems like, like he's not respecting us. He's okay. We just did all this fun stuff. Like, what are you, what are you doing?

Yeah, I hear you. Let's start diving into the practical stuff. There's some great things that you're doing, and I think there's stuff that we can kind of beef it up a little bit with. I think first it's important to recognize what he's experiencing. He doesn't have the skills that he needs to handle the disappointment to get through transitioning. And he also could probably have a stronger boundary system in place to help him follow that. Right. So it's kind of like that mix between the structure and the nurture. So let's start by talking about the structure part, because I think it's important always to kind of have that very black and white aspect down first, and then we can deal with the nurturing aspect and what he needs in terms of handling disappointment and having a good attitude. So the first step for leaving the beach, and it doesn't just have to be the beach, it could be any— yeah, really, that he's transitioning, is that you always want to start the transition early. And it sounds to me like you are, kind of, and I'll tell you what I mean by that. By saying we're leaving in 10 minutes, Hmm, okay. Your son keeps doing exactly what he was doing is my guess. And then when that 10-minute mark comes up, he has to come out of that. So let me explain to you what it means, and I'm going to speak from being a teacher in the classroom. When we actually start transitioning from one activity to the next, we actually build in an exit routine. And what I mean by that is we have 10 minutes left. Now is the time where we start saying goodbye to the beach.

Mm-hmm.

What does that mean? Does that mean that you just keep playing until we have a hard cutoff and then we have to get in the car? No, that's going to make it even harder, if not the same. So what does it mean? It means Snacks get wrapped up and put in the bag. Towels start to get shaken off. Shoes start to get shaken off. Shovels and pails all get rinsed off in the ocean and put back in the bucket, and we start bringing them to the, to the bags or to the wagon. And so what's happening here is he's actually shifting his brain, and you're helping. Shift his brain into closing mode. And this is the part where I'm going to just make an assumption and you could tell me if this fits for you or not. In your brain, you're like, I don't want to take away any more time from his beach time. I want him to just keep playing. And I want him to have those full 10 minutes to get all the playing he possibly can. And I hear you laughing.

That's exactly it. I know it's like mom and dad are folding the towels, we're packing up the lunch, and we're allowing him to just get those last minutes in that he's digging in the sand with, you know?

Right. And it's so interesting because you have such good intentions with that, right? You're like, I want him to get all the playing he can, but actually, actually, You think you're doing your kid a service, but you're doing them more of a disservice. And you're not a bad person. You are a great parent. I mean that he needs help. He needs structure. He needs leadership when it comes to transitioning. And that begins with us shifting them into the next mode. It is time to go into goodbye beach mode. And that means, here's the checklist. We still be at the beach. We can go right to the car, but I'm gonna actually give you this responsibility. Hey, can you run these buckets and shovels to the ocean and rinse them off for me and bring them right back? Okay. Here's the next thing I need you to do. I need you to shake these off. And so what you're doing is you're actually involving him in the transition. So that's number one, and that can apply to many things, even for when it's getting close to bedtime, right? It's time to start putting the house to sleep. I need you to go turn off all the lamps in that room. Let's go put away this game together. Because what's happening usually is we try to put our kids to bed and then we run around like a chicken without a head, cleaning up the whole house, where really we should involve our kids in that transition.

That's good because even like leaving for school, you know, that seems to be a struggle too. It's like the same thing with transitioning him to, okay, let's, we've got to get in the car, you know, time to get off the school. I like the whole, it's time to put the house to bed. It's time to say goodbye to the beach. So I never thought of it in that aspect. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's move into the next practical thing. This is like a really quick one. Try and quantify where you can. And I know you already do this with the timer, like 10 minutes when the timer goes off, but it's kind of hard for our kids, especially, you know, 5 and under to really understand time and time passage and what minutes are. And so we want to try and quantify it into his world. You can take these buckets. To the ocean to rinse them off. But here's the deal. You can catch 2 waves and then rinse the buckets and come right up. If you can do that, then I will give you the next step. Okay. And the more that he completes the quantifiable things like, hey, I saw you did 2 waves and then rinse that bucket out and race up here. Thank you so much. Fill him with positivity. It doesn't have to be a negotiation feel, but you know, you can reward that in a way.

Right.

You know what? Since you just did that so quickly, I'm going to let you have 2 minutes of sand time while I finish cleaning up all the snacks and you can get 100% play because you helped me clean that part up. I really appreciated that. And so what he's learning is that he actually can meet the expectations because you're making them really attainable for him. You're keeping them small. You're keeping them defined in a way that he can understand.

I love that because my son is a child that works on rewards. He loves to please his parents as well. So it's like all of that positivity goes a long way.

Yeah, I think that you hit the nail on the head with that word positivity, right?

Yes.

Motivation and positivity. The minute we start— and this kind of leads me into my next point. The minute we start getting negative and we start embodying that kind of like dictator feel of 10 minutes, I said 10 minutes, you're not listening, you're not looking at me, you're ignoring, we've officially made the moment negative. And the minute we start to associate things that we really want our kids to do with negativity, oof, it makes them wanna do it even less.

Less.

Time.

I know, right?

It's the same thing with chores. It's the same thing with cleaning up. We never want it to feel negative because the minute we do, they create an association. And so what does that mean? It means that we need to continue moving and motivating. And so what that means is when it is time to go, we need to move him along before it gets to be too late. So what it sounds like from your example is that by the time he's already being a little defiant, already too late, right? Like, he was allowed to move his body from where you guys were sitting in the sand after you said it was time to go and make his way all the way to the ocean to get back in. And so we need to kind of be there to stop that in its tracks before he can get there. Because think about it this way, the more he keeps diving in and immersing himself in the beach, the harder it's going to be for him to get out. Now, the trick of, you know, involving him in the saying goodbye to the beach routine and doing it as a family is going to help this immensely. But I also need you to remember that we also have to watch out for his actions. It's not okay to run in that direction after I said it's time to go. So you have to at least, at a minimum, stay right here. Right. And so maybe we start small with, you know, it is time to go and you can stay right here in this area and you have 2 more minutes right here in our section and making it very clear for him where the physical boundaries are and meeting him where he is of maybe that's part of the saying goodbye to the beach thing. The boundary closes in a little bit and getting him adjusted to know what to expect also helps in terms of physically stopping him, right? Taking action. And I know he's getting bigger, so it's getting harder, but it's only going to get harder and harder. Sometimes we need to pair our words with action, right? Like, no, hey, you can't go. I just said it's time to clean up. No more.

Right. I love that approach. Like, it's like he's running and taking off. I, I generally am like running after him too. So no, no, I, I agree. Like, we try to stay pretty firm in that aspect. So making sure that he hears us and that he's just not ignoring us and ignoring the demand of just, hey, I told you to stay here. Why are you jetting down to the water again.

And sometimes they're super fast and super sneaky and you're just like, oh my gosh, did he seriously just go back to the ocean?

Right.

And we're already heated. And sometimes the moment feels like it passes us by. Something I want to add is that we want to make sure that if the transition is consistently failing, that's also a sign that it could just be too big.

Right.

And so by removing some steps along the way, strengthen the transition itself. So maybe when we're doing the saying goodbye to the beach thing. We want to involve him in one of the steps for saying goodbye to the beach and building him up from there. Like, whoa, making a big deal of it. Thank you so much for helping us clean up. It doesn't have to be like, you know, seriously, you only rinse the buckets and now you're not going to help us with the chips? Because that could happen, right? Where he's just, I'm not helping anymore. And then you're just like, now I'm going to make it negative. It's okay. Right. Just take what you get as you get it, because it's just going to keep growing with positivity over time. In terms of the nurturing aspect, there's two factors here, and one of them is that he struggles to handle disappointment. Mm-hmm. And I also think that oftentimes parents who feel like our kids aren't appreciating things because they haven't been taught how to have a positive attitude yet. And there's a couple of suggestions that I have for you on the nurturing end of things. So the first one is for handling disappointment. In that moment, I would keep it short and sweet while we're actually transitioning. We don't want to be having like a therapy session with our kid or having, you know, a whole full-blown conversation about his feelings, because that's not appropriate either in that moment. But what I want to suggest is that if he's like, oh, I don't want to go leave the beach. I know it was so much fun.

Right.

Just kind of recognizing, right.

Yeah.

Just a quick little sentence, validating a feeling does not mean that we're diving into a feeling. We're just acknowledging it. Right.

Like, yep.

I see you. I don't want to leave either. I love the beach too. Just a simple sentence like that could totally disarm our kid. You're right. And help them actually realize my parent gets me, right? That kind of eases transitions a little bit.

Okay.

In terms of building a positive attitude, that's something that has to happen outside of these moments. And I mean, like, as you're pulling up to the beach, as you're going to bed that night. And some practices that come to mind would be Hey, I just want to let you know that last time when we left the beach, it was a little tricky. So we're gonna try something new today because it's really, really hard to leave something that we really love. But when you get angry and so frustrated and whiny when we're leaving such a special day, it makes us want to just stick to doing the normal routine more often. Because it makes us think that you don't really notice what we're doing. And sometimes our kids need this narration, right?

Right.

We're both off from work. It's the weekend. We all get to be together. We're taking a special day to go to the beach as a family because we have so little opportunities to all do things together like this. And this is so special. It's so special for me. I know how special it is for you. And it's so much fun. And maybe you're going to act it out, make him giggle because he's a 5-year-old boy. And I know he will. And when you have to leave the beach and you say, oh, I don't want to leave the beach. And you start running to the ocean and you say, see ya, mom, right? I could see him laughing at that.

Exactly.

And I think 'Ah, he doesn't think this is special. He doesn't understand what we did to get here and how much it took me and Dad to get us all ready, and I don't really want to do this again.' And what you're doing is you're, you're not blaming him, you're not shaming him, but you're just teaching him to notice. Our kids need to be taught this stuff. Kids aren't born out of the womb with a good attitude. With like positivity and understanding what others did for them and how to be grateful. We need to teach that in every moment. Right. And I don't mean with umbrella statements of like, you need to be more grateful. Kids have no idea what that means. They need to literally be walked through the specific things that it took. So today we're going to talk about the Beach moment.

Right.

And it probably took me, what, a minute to say that to you? That's all I expect. You to tell him. I don't want it to be this like 30-minute thing, right? Just something to help him recognize that everybody has feelings in this moment, because our kids' hearts are way bigger than we realize. And when we do this, they're like, oh wow, okay, thanks for bringing it to my attention, right? And you're not quizzing him, you're not putting him on the spot, you're not making him feel bad, you're just saying it. And then teach him before going to the beach, We're gonna try something new today. We're gonna try saying goodbye to the beach. And there are 3 things that need to be done when we say goodbye to the beach. We need to clean off the beach toys, we need to shake off the towels, and we need to clean up the snacks. So I'll take one, Dad will take one, and you're gonna take one. Right now, I'll remind you as it gets closer, but that's what we're gonna try today.

That's great. Yeah.

And so what you're doing is you're actually prepping him in a really thoughtful way. And you're actually sneakily managing his disappointment and teaching him to have a better attitude.

Honestly, I thought that was really good when you talked about, um, nurturing his emotions and kind of playing out how it made us feel in that moment. We all love the beach, you know. I love just really taking him through the emotions part of it because I think a lot of times at the age of 5, you don't really get that your parents have emotions and that you do too. So I love that. Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that was beautifully said. Hey, I kind of forget that we have to teach him that we have feelings because you know what, when we do that, it actually softens us a lot more because all our kids know is that we're either happy or we're extremely angry. Right. And no, there's an in-between and we could actually make this a little bit easier for everybody. And it's worth the 2 minutes of conversation. This is the last note that I'll leave you on nurture-wise is that there's a game that I love to play, but this would have to happen later. I don't know if on the ride home from the beach is the best time to do it, especially when you're just starting with these transitions, because he might still be bitter and he might still be angry and that's fine. We're just going to let it go because we know that we're not talking feelings right now. That's not going to sink in. I like to suggest playing a game called Fortunately and Unfortunately. You all go around the table and you say a fortunate statement and an unfortunate statement. So you might be the example and go first and say, unfortunately, I wish we could have spent all day at the beach. But fortunately, we got to spend 2 full hours together. And that was such a special time. And my favorite part was when I don't know, dad splashed me in the ocean. And then you go around the table. Okay. Dad's turn. Okay. Son's turn. And what happens here, and it doesn't have to be specifically about a moment he was upset in, but it does help because they could get it off their chest that, you know, I was upset, but there was also something good in that moment that I could think about. It's really helpful to do this game on repeat, like every day at dinner. Right? Tell me an unfortunate part of your day. Tell me a fortunate part of your day, because it helps our kids not feel so pressured. Like, you never see the good, or just see the good, or why are you so negative? Because it's okay to notice that things were not so great. But what really forms resilience and a good attitude is when you could take that and say, hey, but this was really good.

Right.

And I think that really is a powerful game to start playing, especially at age 5, because it starts really helping them develop. A positive attitude and a grateful mindset.

I absolutely love that. I mean, if anything, our family is like, what are you grateful for? What was the best part of your day? So this is kind of a cool way to kind of flip it and turn it into, okay, let's find out. Maybe there was something that didn't go to plan or what you wanted, but tell me the highlight of the day or what made you excited about you know, going to school today.

I love that you mentioned school because that's also a great time and it actually opens up so many more pathways for our kids to talk to us because they're like, oh, okay, I could be human, right? I don't have to just be this positive, happy creature all day. I can actually tell my parents what was not so great about my day. And then I can also say what was good about my day because that's normal and that's human. And I don't have to hide that part.

Heart. This is awesome. Thank you for your time. Appreciate your helpful insight into transition better. The highlight for me was definitely the shutting down the beach, or when he's going to bed, all right, we're gonna say good night to the house. That was extremely helpful. Just overall, make it a process that involves him and that we can do together. This is awesome.

As we wrap up, Remember this: your child isn't trying to ruin the day or challenge your authority.

They're still learning how to move through big emotions and hard transitions.

When we shift from simply announcing, "It's time to go," to actively guiding the process, we make these moments feel safer and more manageable. You don't have to force a perfect exit.

Your job is to lead it with consistency, patience, and support.

That's how we move from power struggles to cooperation, even after a hard goodbye. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. Please know that your experience here matters to me. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or review and please follow my show on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. It really helps. If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure High Nurture Course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.