When Did My Sweet Girl Become So Angry? (how to stop the daily power struggles)

In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a mom of a 5-year-old whose once easygoing little girl has turned sassy, defiant, and quick to fire back. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. If you feel like you've become a walking correction machine and every interaction with your child has turned into headbutting, this conversation is for you. Before today's episode, a quick something I'm excited to share. You know those parenting moments that pop up? You know the "what do I even say right now" moments? That's why I built Ask Julie. It's like having me in your back pocket. You type what's happening and you get a high structure, high nurture response in my voice right when you need it. No appointment, no waiting. If that sounds helpful, come on and check it out. I'm offering your first month free for my podcast listeners using the code FIRSTMONTHFREE.

My daughter is 5 years old. She just turned 5 in February. She was the sweetest little girl. She started going to preschool when she was 3 years old. Um, you know, everything was good. Like when I talk to the teachers, they always tell me how how sweet she is and how good she is. The first year was like, wow, okay, that's really great, I'm so happy. And she's very smart, you know, learning really well, but she's also like, she knows what she wants and she knows what she doesn't want, so she's very stern. Like, she's, you know, a lot of people say that's like she's very bossy or sassy, but I mean, she just knows what she wants. She's not gonna, she's not gonna bungle down. This past year, I would say Half of this past year of pre-K-4 has been a little challenging. We noticed that she's gravitating more towards boys, and so her attitude has been a little bit more aggressive when she comes home. When she comes home, the attitude comes back out and she's sassy, and she— I have to repeat myself a million times, which drives me insane. She has where we'll try to talk to her and she'll say, "You're being mean to me," and We've had multiple conversations about how that's not being mean, that's being a parent, how we're trying to like help her and, you know, guide her and teach her and she just doesn't want to hear it.

So I think it's really helpful. You're saying aggressive. Do you mean verbally, physically? Maybe it comes in different forms. Like, is it snapping back? Is it saying, you know, you're so mean to me, or, you know, you can't tell me what to do. What it— tell me about it.

So aggressive, meaning like, so since she's been gravitating more towards these boys at school, like she's become friends with like these 3 specific boys and they play so rough and they say things to her that she never would normally say. Like she'll come home sometimes and she'll say things, I'm like, where did you hear that from? And, or how do you know about that? And she'll be like, oh, so-and-so told me. And I'm like, well, that's not very nice. We don't talk that way. And that hurts people's feelings when you talk that way. Would you want somebody to say that to you? And she's like, no. And I said, well, why would you say that then? And, and she'll tell me, well, so-and-so said it. I'm like, but just because so-and-so said it doesn't mean that it's okay for you to say it. And it's not always right for you to say things that other people say. It's hard for me to figure out how exactly to tell her not to do these things. Like, you want to give her a good example, obviously not to be a follower, to be a leader and to know what's right and what's wrong. The aggression, like she'll play so rough because when these boys are at school, they're playing and they're playing so rough with her. I think most boys, not all, but most boys tend to have a tendency to play a little rough, and she for some reason likes it. And so she'll come home and she'll want to play with her 1.5-year-old brother that way, and I'm like, you can't do that, you know. And, um, he doesn't understand, and then she'll get mad at him snatching things out of his hands or snatching things out of my hand, like really aggressively or playing aggressively. And then the talking sometimes is very aggressive, like she'll just be very, very sassy and like raise her voice and yell, and I'm like, okay, this is getting out of control now. So that's the aggression. And I've spoken to her teachers about how I feel like she needs to be separated from these boys and as much as possible during like actual school time, like when they're sitting on the line and when they're doing the classwork or when they're doing projects or even having lunch. I'm like, please, I need them to be separated as much as possible. It's rubbing off way too much on her.

My question to you now is, when you do come back to her with the, we don't talk to people like that, that's not kind, where did you hear that, don't do that, what are you met with.

She agrees with me, but then she quickly forgets. I feel like sometimes when I talk to her, she won't keep like a constant eye contact with me, like, and her focus is a little off. Like, she's, she's already thinking about what she wants to tell me next, and it has nothing to do with what we're talking about. Because I'll notice, like, as soon as we're done talking about what I just said to her, she'll be like, Mommy, did you know that, you know, blah, blah, blah has this? And it's like totally off subject. Sure. Like, she'll agree with me and I'll ask her to repeat it back to me because sometimes I'll say, do you— did you hear what I said? And she'll say yes. And I'll say, okay, what did— what did Mommy say? And she's like, I don't know. I'm like, oh my God, I want to just scream.

Yeah. Yes. It's incredibly frustrating, right?

You're—

you're trying so hard on your side, right? Before we talk about your daughter, just to talk about you for a minute, it's It's almost that you're feeling like, I hate that I have to be the bad guy. I don't like the mom that I'm becoming because I am constantly telling her things. I am constantly explaining things. I am just walking around feeling like a correction machine. Yeah. And when can I actually show her that I care about her? Because if she was just doing the right things or being herself, we wouldn't have been wasting our time on these things.

Right, yeah, I mean, exactly. You know, I, I've gotten down on her level. I actually, the other day when she came home because she had a bad day at school, the teacher called me and she told me about a couple incidences, and that's when I really like tried to break it down to the teacher about how this is not working out. I know we only have a few weeks left of school, but like, she's gonna go to summer camp and these kids are going to be in her summer camp. I'm like, I can't do this all summer. I'm like, this is, you know, so I tried to like have like alone time with her. So I took her in her room and I said, let's just spend some time together talking, okay? And so we sat on her bed, we cuddled, We hugged, we talked about other things first and then I said, "Mommy loves you so much and you know when mommy talks to you and tells you things, it's not because I want to be mean. I'm trying to help you. You know, I want to help you. I want to help you to be a good person when you grow up and I want to help you to know who your friends are and what your friends mean to you and what's right and what's wrong and like sometimes people do things that we want to do, but sometimes we have to say like, "Hmm, does that feel right or is it good or is it not good?" And I gave her like a specific example, like, "Remember when so-and-so did this to you and you were so upset about it and you were sad and you started crying?" I'm like, "Do you know that when you do that and say that to other people, that's how they feel? They feel really sad and they cry. Sometimes Mommy feels that way when you talk to me and when you don't listen to me. Mommy doesn't want to yell at you all the time and Mommy doesn't want to take things away from you all the time. I want to I wanna like have good times with you and happy times like when you go out with Daddy to the park and when Daddy takes you for ice cream. Mommy wants to do those things too, but sometimes I can't because I have to stay home or I have to prepare dinner or I have to do laundry and so sometimes Mommy can't be around all the time, but when we are together and I do have time with you, I wanna have good times with you so that's why I don't wanna have to yell at you all the time and shh, shh, shh. I said, do you understand that? Do you know that Mommy loves you? And she's like, yes, of course. And I said, do you know that Mommy is just trying to help you? And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, okay. So, you know, uh, obviously, like, I feel like sometimes though when I do talk to her, like, you know, she'll just yes me. It just goes in one ear and out the other.

But yeah, it's frustrating, it's overwhelming. And at the end of the day, a lot of it is that you care and you're paying attention and you're reflecting and you're trying to take responsibility and you're trying to talk to her school and you're trying to put in all this time talking to her and you're not failing. You're trying a million things, which means that you're growing in some way and she's growing in some way, but you're exhausted because what's happening is it's feeling like it's just not working.

At the end of the day, I do have a lot of guilt about what I did and what I didn't do and failing. And it's a lot. It's a lot of pressure. I'm the someone who pretty much has to think of everything that, you know, they need and what they don't, what's, what's going on and what they're doing and where they're going and what they have. And, you know, like everything, just preparation for everything. I'm trying my best, and I do feel a lot of the time that I am failing. So it's, it's a lot.

Yeah. And I appreciate you saying that and being so vulnerable. And if you're letting out any emotions now and and here is the time to do it, because that means that you had them locked up inside and they need to come out. And when we allow feelings to come out, we actually create space for improving and moving forward. And so thank you for your vulnerability, and the fact that this is hurting you so much is evidence of how important this relationship is to you. And it feels like so much of your time is going into how you feel like you've lost connection with your daughter. And I'm here to tell you that you haven't. She still needs you very much. So I'm just hearing that you're mostly scared of continuing to lose it, right? Hey, I don't want to have to leave. I don't want to have to yell at you. Please don't make this the majority of our time. Look at how much fun you're having with other people. You're saying it in an effort to pull her back. How do I get my daughter back? Because it feels like you're kind of losing her in some way. It's not necessarily the boys she's hanging out with, though it can be a huge influence, a huge impact, depending on how much they're in her ear and how much they're sitting together. Kids are moldable. She's not giving her best behavior to other people because she loves them more. She's giving her biggest feelings to the place that feels the safest, and that's right? And okay, thanks Julie, now what? When you are coming home and you're able to just like throw your water on the table or your coffee and just, you know, say I had a crappy day today and not have somebody judge you, it feels good sometimes. And so that's kind of what's happening to her. While it's really, really easy to take things personally because what she's saying is sometimes personal, right? It feels like every time you're engaging with her, it's headbutting.

Yes.

You're not listening. Are you looking at me? I need your eyes. What did I just say? Now you're ignoring me. You're wasting our time. I want to have fun with you, but you're not letting that happen. And over and over and over again, this can have a couple of effects. It could start to become just noise. That she gets over and numbs herself to because it's repeated so much that she's like, I don't know what any of this means. It could just be that she's absorbing it all as it's all my fault. Even though you are in no way intending to be shameful or point fingers, and you're putting time in to sit with her and connect with her and go in her room and say, I'm gonna talk with her about this, it could be taken that way. I'm wrong. I'm wrong, I'm bad, the friends I hang out with are bad, the nothing I do is right, the choices I make are wrong, I don't know how to fix it. And so she's just absorbing all this as a reflection on herself. And these are just possibilities. And then another thing is that you mentioned that when you do correct her, or you do go on these tangents, or you do go off on your lessons of, hey, we don't do that, that's not nice, how would you feel if somebody did that to you, blah blah blah blah blah, that she actually starts to look away and think about the next thing that she wants to talk about, which is totally off topic, like, hey, can I have a banana for snack? And you're just like, what? Right? That's infuriating. You're like, I just spent all my time trying to help you and you're ignoring me, right?

Yeah.

So what that is is not ignoring. It is actually not not listening. It is not a child who is struggling to focus. It is a child who is uncomfortable and is defending themselves. This is a sign of survival. When kids have this ability to tune something out, it's protect, protect, protect. I'm gonna protect myself. Because if I change the subject, my mom is going to see me as good. We're not going to talk about this anymore because she thinks I'm really bad and she doesn't love me anymore. And so if I ask her if I could have this for snack, she's going to be nice because she always says yes to that, and then I know that she loves me, right? That's how kids' brains work. Not, I'm gonna tune her out because I don't care about this. It's, I'm gonna just keep finding the easiest way to connect with my mom because that is the only thing that feels good, and I'm gonna find it because right now I'm not getting it.

That makes a lot of sense, what you just said about protecting herself. Like, immediately after, let's say we had like a little tiff and, you know, she was punished or whatever, and I gave her like, you know, time to cool down, she'll come back out and she will totally act like nothing happened. She'll just pick up and start laughing and talk about, you know, something funny or get a toy and say, Mommy, let's play, you know, whatever.

And that's a beautiful example. It's just underneath all of that, and I love that you said that kids are just naturally seeking the positive, they're essentially just trying to get closer to you in every moment. They just want to feel close, they want to feel attached, and they want to feel loved. And so when we're correcting them, it doesn't feel that way. And so they're gonna find every way to get there. Everyone here is stuck in a cycle. The problem is not just your daughter's behavior, it's that your relationship has become organized around conflict. Everything is just centered around headbutting, and when that happens, we all start bracing ourselves for the next negative interaction. Before you even see her come home from school, you're probably bracing yourself, whether it's intentional or not. Your body is preparing itself for What is she gonna come home like today, right? What is she gonna throw at me today? How am I gonna handle this today?

I have this thing where it's the hours of between 4 and 6 o'clock are the hours where I just want to like scream and run away. I think I just become so tired that you give in, and that's the part that I need to really focus on, trying not to give in.

We get so pushed to a limit because you're trying and trying and trying and it's not working and it's not working and it's not working. And then you either scream or you give in. You over-control or you overindulge, and neither one of those things teaches a lesson. And so that's why these behaviors just keep repeating and repeating and repeating. We're gonna jump in. So the first thing is, I'll call it catch it early. What we're seeing here is that oftentimes as parents, we respond to our kids when they're like at an 8, where the opportunity to actually respond to them was when their behavior was at a 3. And so by the time she's yelling or being sassy or talking back, that's a sign that her nervous system is flooded. And when our kids' nervous systems are flooded and totally dysregulated, that is just not a time to engage ever. Even if you hear something like, you're— you never are nice to me, or you always do that for him. Or I don't want this. These are signs. Yes, yes, disrespect. However, we don't handle that first. As parents, we need to read their nervous systems. If she is showing sass or disrespect or anger or frustration or aggression, that is dysregulation, and we do not engage with a dysregulated brain. What we do is we wait. So what signs you might see to catch it early are if she starts getting a little bossy, if she starts controlling others' behaviors or trying to control something in the room, if she makes a subtle jealous comment from the corner, if she rolls her eyes, if she argues over something really small, like she just jumps in and attacks and you're like, whoa, where did that come from? If she's refusing to do something small that you asked her to do, these are early warning signs. When she's entering that state of dysregulation, I want you to say to yourself, "Something is feeling hard for her right now." Not out loud, just to yourself. Something is hard for her right now. She's not being a brat. She's not spoiled. She's not copying what everybody else in school is doing. I want you to just Stay near. You cannot engage with a dysregulated brain. And what we tend to do as parents is jump in, right? Lectures, corrections. Don't talk to me like that. Why do you think that's okay? Where did you hear that from? I want to hear why you're doing that. Do you think that makes somebody feel good? Whoa, she's dysregulated. And as the adult in the room, we get to choose when we engage. That is what teaches good behavior. I don't engage with a dysregulated mouth. I don't engage with a dysregulated brain. So I will wait because you're going through something.

I'll pick her up from school, or she'll come home from school, and I'll say, "How was school?" And she'll say, "Good." And I'll say, "What did you do today?" She's like, "I don't know." I'm like, "What do you mean you don't know?" Like, "I don't know." She's like, what? I said, you don't remember anything that you did? And she's like, no. I'm like, oh my God, okay, okay. I'm like, how is that possible?

Yep, power struggle, power struggle, power struggle, right? You don't remember what you did? What do you mean? How is that possible? What, what is she hearing? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? That's all she's hearing, right? You don't remember. You don't do this. You don't do that. How is this possible? You're lying. You don't make sense. You don't want to talk to me. And so what we're doing is we are forcing her to protect herself, and she is developing a habit of— actually, it's kind of interesting. She is doing what I'm telling you to do. She is saying, I'm not gonna engage with that. That's what she's doing. And she's literally saying, I don't engage with a dysregulated body. And she's feeling that from you. She's saying, whoa, right? If somebody was drilling you with questions, it's our instinct to fight back and be like, stop doing that, why are you doing that? And but we get nowhere, right? The more powerful move is to wait, is to say, no, you don't deserve my answer, you don't deserve my time right now. I am going to protect myself. It's kind of fascinating because she's doing it to you. That means as the adult, you might stop dead in your tracks and say, hey, I don't like how this conversation's going. I need a minute to cool off and go wash your hands in the sink. Acknowledge it out loud. Am I asking you to be perfect? No. I'm just asking you to start noticing. As soon as these moments happen, just say, I don't like how this is feeling, I don't like how this is going. Go fold a blanket, go get busy and take a minute to yourself. Because every time we engage, we're just gonna push her down further and further and further. So the next time, not gonna open up, or the next time she's gonna make a snippy comment because she's gonna get your engagement from that.

Right, right.

And if that's the only type of attention she's getting from you these days, then she's gonna take it. She's gonna say, you know what, I— it's the only way I get my mom, so I'm just gonna keep throwing out the bait and she's gonna keep taking it, and that's gonna be our relationship, I guess. That's her way of surviving, which I know very well that you don't want. And so how do we control that? We control ourselves first. Let's just throw it back to that example. When she comes home, hey, how was school today? Good.

Good.

What'd you learn? I don't know. All right, we can talk about it later. Okay. What does that tell me? That tells me, by answering that way, that you're confident that she knows exactly what she learned and that she's not in the mood. So just tell her a replacement for that. Say Instead of saying, I don't know, because I know you know, just say, I don't really want to talk about this right now. Can you say that? And then she'll say it back and you'll say, perfect, we'll talk about it later whenever you want. I'll be here. What do you want for snack?

Right?

Take her cues, respect what she's trying to tell you and give her a better way to say it.

Okay.

So part of catching it early is being like, oh no. Oh no, we're entering into that moment again. My nervous system is getting riled up. I'm gonna start correcting her and asking her, what is wrong with you? And I'm gonna stop myself and I'm gonna say, what is she trying to tell me? She's trying to tell me she doesn't want to do this right now. She's trying to tell me she doesn't want to talk about this right now. So I am going to give her the words for that. And we're going to take a break. End it before it's too late. So that is rule number 1. The second tool that I want to offer you is that I want you to stop repeating yourself and lecturing. The more we talk and talk and talk and talk, the less our words have meaning. We repeat ourselves 4, 5, 6 times to, "I need you to do this. I need you to do this. I need you to do this." And they don't listen until the 6th time or the 7th time. Then they're just learning that we don't mean what we say the first time.

There'll be times where, you know, it's time to eat. Dinner, I'll let her have after she does her homework. I will let her have TV time. I'll be like, okay, it's time for dinner. Can you please come and sit? And nothing, crickets.

Okay.

It's time to eat. Can you please come and eat? We're going to start eating now.

Nothing.

Or she'll say, no, I don't want to. Or she'll say, I'm not hungry. I'm like, okay. Then I like really, I'm like, okay, it's time to eat. Please come. And then she'll, No, nothing. And then I physically have to like go get her and bring her to the table because she won't, she won't come. And then she'll get mad at me and she'll say, "You're being mean to me. You're being mean. Why are you being mean to me?" And I'm like, "I'm not being mean. I'm trying to tell you that it's time to eat. This is not being mean. I'm not saying anything hurtful. I'm not being mean. This is parenting. I'm trying to get you to come to eat because it's time for dinner." Because if you don't eat now, later on you're gonna tell me, 'Mommy, I'm hungry.' Mm-hmm.

I hear you. What's happening here is you're repeating yourself and you're lecturing her. You are allowing the moment to get to that point. The way I see it is this: when we repeat ourselves, we have now trained her to say, 'Hey, I don't have to listen to my mom the first time because at the end of the day, yeah, you got mad, Right after 6 times, 7 times of repeating yourself, but she got 5 minutes extra of the episode she was watching. So we're putting it on our kids to make this choice. Do I hedge my bets and get 5 more minutes of my show right now? Cause I know I could get it if I just keep giving her one-word answers. Like, I don't want to, uh, I'm not hungry. And then we get another minute or I don't really wanna come. And then she gets another minute. Right? She's learning that on her own, whether it's intentional or not. Her up to fail, and also setting yourself up to fail, because at the end of the day, it's ironic. You told her, this is parenting, but that is not what parenting has to be like. And so I'm going to walk you through what I mean by that. It's time to turn off the TV. Maybe you gave her a heads up before you even started the show. Hey, before I put this on, when I say it's time, I need you to turn the TV off.

Okay, Mom.

Okay.

Right. Does that mean anything? Does that mean she's going to do it? Absolutely not. But we gave her a heads up. And what that does is it just primes their brain, right? As a teacher, teachers are ninjas at doing this kind of stuff. We just plant the seed, right? It doesn't mean that we're giving her full responsibility. We're just giving her a little warning. You're going to put it on in— when I say 5 minutes, I'll give you a warning. And then when I say it's time, the TV goes off. Okay, Mom. Now, is that too much for a 5-year-old's body and brain to handle?

Absolutely.

So we are still going to have to be involved. Then we say, hey, 5 minutes left. Okay, Mom. Maybe you pause the TV when you tell her there's 5 minutes left to get her eye contact.

Okay, Mom.

Now we give it back. We put it on. Okay, now it's time to come in for dinner.

Cricket.

Now we get closer. Hey, you can turn it off or I will turn it off for you in the next 10 seconds. Okay. She didn't turn it off.

Okay.

TV goes off. Turn it off. It's time for dinner.

Yeah. And, and I do. And that's usually what ends up happening. But then when the 2 minutes comes and I have to shut off the TV physically, then she throws a fit and it's like, you know, she still is like, I don't want to eat. And then there's like a whole tantrum that happens. And then I yell and then she yells.

We have to show her. What the expectation is every single time consistently. When I say the TV goes off, it goes off. You can cry. I want you to prepare yourself, right? You know her well that probably for a week of doing this, she's gonna scream for, I don't know, 5 to 10 minutes after because she's upset that the TV went off. So maybe that first week you tell her dinner's ready when it's not actually ready, and right, build it in so that you're like, okay, I'll turn it off. And build in her time for being upset, right? Because what you're doing is you're going to start little baby steps of retraining her brain to understand that when mom says something, it happens. The first time, not the third time, not the fourth time, not when she screams and then does it, just when she says it calmly. Because then, mom, once the TV's off, you can stay calm because maybe you're going to run upstairs and finish taking the chicken out of the oven. But she doesn't have to know that because now you're calm and you didn't yell and you just turned off the TV and you said, I'll meet you in the kitchen when you're ready. And you move your body to the kitchen. And now she's going to quickly realize like, hey, it's kind of boring down here. What am I doing by the TV? I guess I'll go upstairs, right? I'm not getting attention for this. I'm not getting connection for this. This is just my feelings. And that's okay. She can have those feelings. She can be upset that the TV went off, but it doesn't change anything. Dinner is still gonna start. The TV still goes off. And slowly, she's gonna learn that, "Hey, this isn't getting me more TV time. This isn't getting me love with mom. And mom is really nice right now. She's just upstairs fixing the broccoli." So, maybe mom's gonna move her along and say, "Hey, I have to tell you something really funny when you come up while I put the dinner out on the table." And now, whoa, we've turned this whole moment into a positive moment where you didn't have to raise your voice. And if she comes up and says, You're mean. Go back to step 1 and say, hmm, her body's having a hard time with something right now. What is it? Oh, she doesn't like that the TV went off. Okay, so it has nothing to do with me being mean. And what you're going to say to her is just say— you can't say I'm mean, but just say, hey, I'm upset you turned the TV off. And that's okay. Yeah, right. And so what we're doing is we're getting more comfortable with ourselves our decisions, and with her feelings, because there has to be room for both. And notice in my example, I didn't repeat myself once, and I didn't lecture her about anything. I didn't tell her that this is what parenting looks like. I didn't tell her that the TV has to go off or I'm not gonna let you watch TV anymore. I didn't say anything. I just took action. I turned it off and I said, Dinner's ready when you come upstairs. And I move. And that is such a more peaceful way to parent. And our kids will slowly absorb our calmness in these moments.

This is really good because she's been saying it more and more and more now. Every time I tell her to do something, she says, I'm mean, I'm mean. And I'm like, this is— I get nervous because she's going to go back to school and say, oh, my mom is so mean to me. She did this. No, not only that, but I just don't like that she says I'm being mean. I'm not being mean. I'm just telling her you know what to do. I'd try that because she's saying it so often now that I don't even know how to respond to her anymore about that. But yes, the repeating, we need to be more consistent about just taking action. It's my fault, it's my husband's fault. You just get so tired and you get so caught up in the moment. But yes, taking action, we definitely need to work on that more. Giving her the warning, giving her the preparation.

I appreciate your honesty. So the last tool I'm going to give you is that you want to constantly Rebuild connection outside of the conflict moments and make sure that you're focusing most of your energy on the things that she is doing well. Right now it feels a little like the scale has tipped in mom is focusing all of her energy on everything that she's doing wrong and everything that she could be doing better. And maybe that's because it feels like 95% of the time she's doing the wrong thing. And that's okay, but that's how this has to start. It grows exponentially when we focus on the one good thing she did that day versus the 20 bad things that she did that day. I want you to try and practice by yourself. I'm gonna take 10 minutes every single day, maybe a time of day that's really hard for you, like between the 4 and 6 PM time. You're gonna set a timer for yourself. You're gonna say, I am not gonna correct. I am not gonna teach. I am not going to multitask. I am going to focus on her, and I am not going to enter into a power struggle with her. I'm going to ignore the garbage. And what I mean by that is you're gonna let some things slide because you're just gonna remind yourself, she's struggling right now. I am not going to engage with that, but I am going to stay positive. And the minute she does something good or well or right, or says something kind or helps her brother or gets him the toy he wanted or passes him something, even if we're really stretching it at first, right? Hey, thank you so much for doing that. That was awesome. I really appreciate that. Because what's happening here is she feels like she is bad, she is wrong. My mom doesn't love me most of the time, even though you're not saying that, even though you're talking to her after, it doesn't matter. Lectures go in one ear and out the other. They mean nothing. We need to prove it to her in the moment. So how do we do that? We take our attention off of the negative and start turning it towards the positive. I'm not going to give you a lecture that you didn't turn the TV off when I didn't say. I turned it off myself. That moment has passed. We're done. I am going to now pour into, hey, thanks so much for coming up for dinner. Even if she's 10 minutes late, I don't care. I want you to say something good. Hey, thank you so much for coming up for dinner. Ignore the tantrum. Ignore the fact that you had to turn off the TV. Don't make her feel guilty about that. We're trying to retrain her body and her brain. She needs help, and she needs to know that you've got her, that she is still the good kid that started in pre-K 3.

Thank you for that last one, because That's the part I have a hard time with, you know. You get so focused on the bad that you forget about the little small— even though they're such small little things, you forget about them. And you're right, I do need to make a big deal about the little things because, you know, when I do— when I have done it, that she is like— she'll smile and she'll hug me and she'll say she loves me. So I— but I forget about that because you get so caught up, and I know that she needs that, so Thank you for that. Besides saying that you're being so mean to me, and this is like something else that's been coming up too now, is that she'll say a lot that you're lying. Like when you try to correct her, she'll say that so-and-so told her this, and, and I'm like, well, that's not really true, and you know, he doesn't really know everything. And she'll say, well, you're lying. And I'm like, I'm not lying, I'm, I'm telling you what's happening. And I'll try to explain to her what a lie is and what's you know, like she doesn't like when we correct her or say something to her lately.

It's hard not to take it personally, but your lying is also a defense mechanism. It is also her basically saying, please stop, please stop, stop correcting me, right? Because when she comes home and says something that somebody said at school and you jump in with a, that's not true, they were probably just being silly, she is not feeling like she's being heard. Instead, Mom, I know you're an adult, you have more experience, you don't need to prove that to her in every moment. What you need to do is look at her and say, oh really, they said that? Hmm, why do you think they said that? Did they say it like mean, or did they say it like nice? Even if everything that she told you, you know, is not true, I want you to get into her world for a minute, because the minute you come in with a That's not true. That's a lie. Don't say that. That's not nice. This is what a lie is. I didn't tell a lie. Now you're lecturing her again. Now you're in a power struggle again. Now you're telling her you're wrong. I'm right. You're less. I'm more. And every time you engage with her like that, we push her away and we make her sassiness grow bigger and bigger because she's fighting. She's fighting for herself. And in the back of your mind, sure. You might say, this is coming from those boys. This is coming. I know it's because of who she's hanging out with. I need to talk to the teacher. I need to say something. Just take a breath, right? Because at the end of the day, she's going to be surrounded by so many influences, whether they're good or bad, but we need to instill the confidence in her first. And the only place she can get that is home. The only way she gets that at home is by someone who doesn't make her feel like she's wrong. And someone who helps her build her confidence by highlighting the things she is good at.

But like, just in a conversation between me and her, she'll say, oh, you're lying. And I'm like, no, I'm not. That's really what happens. And I'm not getting like nasty with her, but I'm just saying, no, no, I'm not. You know, that's really how it happens or that's how it works. And she'll be like, oh, you're lying. That's not true. How do I respond to her about me, specifically me?

She says, You're lying. You know that you're not lying, but you don't need to prove that to her. We don't need in right versus wrong. So what you say is, hmm, something I just said is not feeling good to you right now. I can tell. Stay above it. Don't engage with it.

Get curious.

What is going on for you? Do you not like the way I'm saying this to you? Do I feel like I'm a little too much right now? I'm gonna take a minute. Be open and honest with yourself first, right? Analyze yourself. Am I attacking her? Am I shaming her? Could this potentially be making her feel like she's wrong? And I think in a lot of examples you gave me today, that's the pattern. She's feeling like she's just wrong. She's constantly feeling attacked, and she's a kid. She's going to get it wrong more than she's going to get it right. Our job is to show her when she's doing it right and to guide her when she's getting it wrong by taking action.

This was very helpful. Thank you so much. I really, really appreciate this. This is wonderful.

As we wrap up, remember this: your child isn't giving you her worst behavior because she loves you less. She's giving you her biggest feelings because you're the safest place that she has. The sass, the you're lying, the tuning you out— those aren't signs that she's slipping away. They're signs that she's protecting a connection that she's afraid of losing too. You don't get her back by correcting harder. You get her back by catching it early, by talking less, by taking calm action and pouring your attention into the moments that she gets it right. You haven't lost her. She still needs you more than ever. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture. And I'll meet you back here next week. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or review. It really helps. If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com, and podcast listeners can use the code podcast 15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure, High Nurture course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.