When It Doesn't Go Their Way: A full blown meltdown in public

In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a mom navigating a very relatable toddler moment at dance class. Her 3-year-old struggles to follow along, insists on the teacher playing her own song, and ultimately melts down when it's time to leave. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each others' experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. If you've ever felt the pressure of holding a boundary in public while your child unravels and questioned whether you handled it right, this episode is for you. Let's get started.

My child, she's 3 years old, almost 4. She was at one of her dance classes and she was doing fine. She was doing fine just for a little bit, but then she wasn't really listening to what the dance class teacher was saying, and she was just not listening and just acting the whole time. And so I told her, if we're not gonna listen to what the dance teacher says, we are going to go home. And so she then said, okay, I'll listen. And then she just did it for a little bit, not even like 2 minutes had passed, and then she just started again with her attitude. And so then I grabbed her and I said, we are going home. So then she started like, oh my gosh, meltdown, crazy. And it was just, I mean, it was pretty just crazy, embarrassing, you know, the whole thing. I just was not okay with that, honestly, like attitude. I don't want that to happen, obviously, which is why I'm reaching out.

I hear that you're in this place of you value structure and I hear that you are like, my no needs to mean no, and I need my kids to understand that. And I hear you working hard to say, you know, I'm trying to follow through and I gave her a warning and you gave her a second chance to go back in and then she still didn't do it. And so the reaction was that you followed through. What did you end up doing once she was having the tantrum? Did you stay in the waiting area? Did you bring her outside? What did you do?

So what I did was I grabbed her and I said, we are going home. I told you if you didn't listen, We were going to go home. And so I grabbed her and I took her like to the truck and we went home and she was screaming and screaming. I said like, no, I'm going to listen. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She kept crying and screaming. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said, I'm sorry. And I said, I'm sorry. It is too late. We are going home. She started like, you know, she was just crying and screaming the whole time I was driving and screaming and screaming. I was like, oh my gosh, I don't know what happened here.

Yeah.

These moments can certainly be overwhelming. And I hear that you followed all the steps of following through on your word. And it feels to me like you are longing for an understanding of what's going on here. But in a way, I can also hear in your heart that you don't want these moments to happen because it's hindering connection, right? It's hindering the good moments you can have with your child.

Right.

So I think in these moments, it's important to remember that a 3-year-old is impulsive and a 3-year-old needs a lot of action in order to do well at listening. And I would say when kids pass the age of 5, the strategy that you attempted and that you used is probably more appropriate. But when we're talking about the age group of like 1 to 4, 1 to 4-ish, it's a slightly different approach. And so I know that you're talking about, you know, going to dancing school where she's really excited to do dance. And when we jump from, if you're not listening, then we go home, for a 3-year-old, that's kind of like going from A in the alphabet all the way to Z. It's really hard for a 3-year-old to connect that consequence with what they are doing in the moment. And now you can tell me, you know, you know, Julie, she is so good at listening in other moments, so I know she knows what good listening means. And that's perfectly fine. That's kind of the idea of toddlerhood, right? It's what I like to call practice. They just get a whole lot of practice and they fail a whole lot too, but it is our job to help them be successful, to show them how good it feels to be successful. So what that means is The more moments we can end on a positive note with good behavior is a lot more effective and impactful for any child ages 1 to 4. My question for you is when she went back in, or even before you took her out the first time, what was she exactly doing that was quote unquote not listening? What was it?

She just wasn't like, you know, staying still and she wanted like in a specific like song for the teacher to play. Because they do some, uh, songs in between. And so she wanted like a specific song, or, oh, I want to do the Lava song. And so she just wanted to do that specific, like, I want to do it. And she just crossed her arms like, I want to do this, you know, like right now. And that's it. And so that's what I was getting, like, no, we are doing what the teacher is saying, not what you want right now. And so that's when I told her, I said, if you don't listen, then we go home. And so then she said like, okay, I'm sorry. Then she's again, it was just for like, you know, a few minutes. Then she like, you know, started like wanted again the song and they gave her like flowers, you know, because they were doing this dancing and she just threw it out. And I was like, oh no. And she almost hurt somebody. And so I was like, oh no. And that's when I was like, I'm done.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. And so the frustration and the overwhelm and you mentioned embarrassment was building up inside of you because you're like, no, no, no. Right. It's important to you that your kid is a good listener. I know it's important to you that your kid is respectful. I know it's important to you that your kid is resilient because I could hear it in your language that you're like, she's not displaying any of these things right now. We got to get out of this. And so I think that's how so many mothers would feel in this moment where the agitation just keeps rising and rising and you're like, oh my gosh, this is not happening. We get so frustrated that we just, call it quits. There's no right or wrong in this moment, but I want to help you kind of break it down to understand and apply these factors to other moments because this will happen again, right? I can assure you that this will happen again because this is what happens with toddlers, right? These are normal things, but I can also assure you that there are things you can do to help them from not escalating to this point again. Let's start with her scenario. She is so excited to be in dance. She really loves listening to the songs that the kids get to pick. And when it's not her song, it makes sense that she'd feel frustrated, right? I understand that. She's like, oh, I really wanted to do that song. Oh shoot. And so the idea here is that your kid is not bad or annoying or rude or disrespectful. She just has really intense feelings inside of her. When she feels something, it just comes out. It's not intentional, it's just her body. And so when she's in that moment of like, oh, I'm not participating because they didn't choose my song, that comes off as bratty, entitled. But these are all on the surface level. What she's really saying is, I'm disappointed, or I was so excited for this class and now I'm not really that excited. And so what we need to recognize as a parent of children who feel things this way, they're not disrespectful. She's not rude or bratty. She is lacking a skill. And what is the skill? She has trouble handling disappointment and moving forward. She has trouble hearing no and moving forward. And so where do we come in as parents? Well, we need to teach her that skill. We need to build a bridge for her. So how do we do that in these moments? How do we keep it positive without losing our cool? Well, I love what you did the first time by taking her out and saying, hey, you gotta be a listener or we can't go back in and finish the class. Okay. Right. We thought that that was communicated, but for a 3-year-old, it's kind of like, what? Okay. What if she's like, I was listening, even though I'm asking for my favorite song. Why does that mean I'm not listening?

Right, mom?

Maybe some mixed communication there. But when she comes out, right, it's being specific with the moment and recognizing what she's feeling. Oh, you really wanted that song, but she's playing the other one today. Hmm, I have an idea. If you can go back in there and be a really, really good sport and dance to that song, we can dance to the song you want to dance to when we get home. Now, if she's gonna sit there and pout, then you continue to hold her out of the class, right? Physically, I love the boundary that you set of, I'm going to take you out of the fun because you're not allowed to be that way in that room. And that is fully on point. And so when you're sitting there with her, if she's going to pout or she's going to cry, just staying silent is key. And she didn't quite reach her ultimate peak at this point yet. At the peak of an emotional state, We can't talk logic to our kids. We can't talk emotions to our kids. It's just recognizing and acknowledging neutrally how she's feeling. It stinks when your song doesn't get picked.

Ugh.

And just sitting there with her for a second. The way I see it is, okay, dance class is 30 minutes. And let's say she's only in that class for a total of 9 minutes that day. That's a win. It's more about teaching our kids and slowing down. It's not essential that she gets back in there and it's not essential that we leave right away. It's more recognizing her perspective. Another reframe that I want to offer you is you're mentioning that she's saying sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. At this age is more like a strategy. It's not a reflection like an adult would say sorry, right? It's more of like their attempt to just reverse what you said. So she's literally just like, sorry, and she thinks that erases what you told her. She's like, okay, I said sorry, I'm good now, everything's fine again, mom's not upset. And that's not really sorry, right? Sorry means I'm gonna change and I'm gonna fix it and I'm gonna move forward. Imagine a 3-year-old saying, I'm sorry, mom, you're paying for this dance class and I feel terrible that I'm wasting your money in minutes and I want to be respectful. Our 3-year-olds would never say that, right? So what is she worried about as a 3-year-old in her mind? Mom is upset. She pulled me out of the fun. I'm not really sure why. I'm just gonna say sorry because I know it works and I'm gonna get back in. So I want you to remember that when children say sorry after we enforce a boundary or a rule or a limit, they haven't really processed the behavior yet. Their brain is just trying to fix whatever is wrong because they don't feel good about it. And so what do we do in that case? You want to just say something like, thank you for saying sorry, and then move back to where we were. But we can't go back into that room until you hear the song and we say, okay, that's fine, I'll dance to that song today. When I hear you say that, then we can go back in because we want to focus on giving her skills to get through her disappointment, not fixing the bad kid.

Oh, that sounds wonderful. Oh my gosh. I haven't tried that way actually. So I appreciate that.

It's hard to understand a 3-year-old's mind and how different it truly is from an adult mind. So I'm going to send you off with 2 more things to think of. What can you actually do next time? What can you do differently? So now we kind of have like a mindset shift. But I also want to leave you with this idea that with this age group, we want to prepare for the battles before they happen. Not too many words. Little ones, they hear too many words and they check out. When she gets into a new environment, any toddler really, they feel a loss of control. She might feel super comfortable at home, but when she's at dance or somewhere else, it's like, whoa, these are not my things. This is not my space. And so what she's most likely trying to do is grab control over something. I want the song. I want the song. So what we can do is we can actually give her a structured choice, something that we can offer her to feel like she has that control without showing it in a negative way. So what does that look like? Maybe in the car before, you want to say something like, hey, when you get into dance, we can't always choose the song, right? Today it might be Samantha's day to choose the song, and next time it might be Amanda's day to choose the song, and then it will be your turn, I bet. But today, here's what I know you can choose. You can choose what color spot you're going to sit on. Are you going to sit on the purple spot today? Are you going to sit on the yellow spot? Or if they don't get to choose that, right? I wonder what spot you're going to get to sit on today. What do you think? And what we're doing is we're preparing her brain mentally and reminding her of what control she actually does have. And so when we do that, we set the tone. Remember the rules of dance. And if you can't follow those rules or say, okay, I'll dance to this anyway, and help her get through the disappointment, then she has to come sit out. And you'll sit out with her as long as you need to. I don't care if she's sitting with you watching all the kids in the dance class do the dance. I'd rather her see it so that she can be like, oh, Yeah, they are having fun. And so instead of taking her completely away, which is like I said at the beginning, from A to Z, we want to just bring her from A to B. We're just going to sit here for the rest of class today. Because the more she sees it, she's going to say, oh, I want to go in there, and we can tell her how to be successful in there. So it's important to give our kids a heads up and a quick— I'm not talking any more than like 45 seconds— a quick 45-second reminder. Of like, remember, bam, bam, bam. These are the 3 things that we do when we go in dance class.

Right.

And then the last thing is I love that you follow through. And I think this is a strength of yours as a mom, always making sure that we follow through when we said we would. That's being super consistent. And that's what I mean by the third step. Continue doing what you're doing in terms of consistency, but just consider making the steps a little smaller. So just saying, oops, You gotta come back out of the door. Come on, you're gonna sit with me. Do you want to know why you're sitting with me? Because I'm sure she won't. She's 3. She's not gonna always be quick to recognize why Mom pulled me out. So we're going to specifically say it, not just you weren't listening, or you're being bad, or you're being disrespectful. That means nothing to a 3-year-old. But what we want to say is, you were moving the flower and it almost fell on the floor and somebody almost stepped on it. So I need you to hold it really tight and then you can go back in there. Right? We're helping her see, hey, this is what you're struggling with and I want you to do better and I know you can do better, so go do it.

Right?

Following through is important and being consistent is important. And then when you're done, always ending it on a positive note. You did great today. Instead of pointing out all the moments where she didn't listen, find one where she was listening. You did awesome. You want to know how I know you had a really fun time in class? Because dance class is for the dancers who listen to the teacher, and I saw you listen when she asked everybody to line up.

That was great.

You were like one of the third people in line. That was such a good listener, right? When we focus on the good stuff, it actually helps our kids' brains grow, and it helps them continue to do the good stuff. So we want to keep it positive for our toddlers over and over, and they're gonna fail over and over and over again, but we gotta keep it positive and just keep helping them succeed. We don't ever wanna end a moment in failure because usually they take nothing away from it.

Actually, that's wonderful. The whole idea of keeping it also like positive and making her like, you know, feel like, you know, it's like, you know, like going from A to B. Actually, that's just, you know, definitely what I needed to hear. And right now that she's pretty new at this, going to dance classes, it's, it's definitely been a little bit challenging. And with the examples that you have given, I'm sure it's going to work the different, the difference of how I've been approaching it and handling it. Of course, I just want to say like, you know, it's, it's great. So I appreciate it for that.

I really appreciate your feedback. And, you know, I know how much you care, otherwise you wouldn't be having this conversation right now. It doesn't feel good to feel like the bad guy all the time and to feel like our kid is not good or we're handling it wrong because of their reaction. And it's so easy to feel guilty in these moments, but it's important to say, you know, hey, you're here right now. That shows me how much you care, and it shows me how much you love your kids. I hope you can walk away saying, I understand my child a little bit better today, and that next time you're going to try to make some changes so that you can stay positive with her and really guide her instead of feeling like you got to be the bad guy who's always, you know, punishing her in a way.

Absolutely. That's— those are the words that I wanted to say, actually.

Yeah.

Feeling like the bad kid. That's exactly how I've been feeling.

We've all felt it as parents before. And it's a muscle, you know, it's just practicing this over and over and over again.

Right, right. And, you know, just one thing, you know, that, you know, real quick. Julie, appreciate, you know, that. And the reason also why I reach out, because I keep listening to your podcast and all your videos, I think, you know, it's wonderful the way that, um, I was raised, you know. I was raised in a Latino, you know, like culture, and the culture and the way that we were raised is very strict and very hard, and I don't want that same, you know, towards my kids, which is why I'm trying this, you know, to get the help.

Obviously my heart is bursting hearing you say that because It takes one person to say, that didn't feel right. I want to break a cycle. Because if we don't work on breaking it, we just end up repeating it. I give you a lot of credit for being so brave and stepping out for your kids and doing this work. It's been truly a privilege to have this conversation with you.

Thank you so much, Julie. I appreciate everything you do.

As we wrap up, remember this: your toddler isn't trying to be difficult. They're still learning how to handle big feelings like disappointment and lack of control. When we shift from shutting down behavior to teaching skills, everything changes. Your role isn't to rush to consequences or fix the moment perfectly. It's to slow down, stay steady, and guide them through it in smaller, more manageable steps. Only then will our children begin to build the skills they're missing. While still feeling safe, supported, and understood. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. Please know that your experience here matters to me. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or a review. Review, and please follow my show on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

It really helps.

If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure, High Nurture course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.