When Things Escalate Quickly: from "put your clothes away" to "you hate me"

In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a mom navigating a very relatable challenge with her 10-year-old daughter. What seems like a simple end-of-the-day routine, like putting dirty clothes in the hamper, quickly escalates into resistance, emotional outbursts, and painful words like, "You don't love me." Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. If you're parenting a child who pushes back on small expectations or uses big emotions and words, this episode is for you. Let's get started.

I'm a mother of a daughter who is 10 years old, and I am struggling with how to communicate towards the end of the day, we always designate a few minutes to tidy up our space. Not the whole house, just a few items. Like dirty clothes go in the hamper at the end of the day. Doesn't have to be immediate. I get that things are busy. Part of bedtime routine is dirty clothes in the hamper. It seems very simple, doesn't it? And it takes less than a minute. It's not like she's going up 3 floors. Her bathroom is next to her bedroom in her hamper is open. She doesn't even need to open the lid. She could just throw the dirty clothes in there. And I try not to be on top of her. So I wait until she's in bed and I go to tuck her in and we have our wind-down time. And on my way to her room, I noticed the bathroom. So I go over and I say, darling daughter, let's take a moment and fix the bathroom first. And she'll sort of hem and haw and get very, it's not fair or whatever she may say. And I try not to indulge in that. And I'm like, it's a few items on the floor. You know, you can get right back in bed. It'll be under a minute. And this is something we do every night. There are no surprises here. And I'm sorry you don't think this is fair, but like, this isn't a fair world. That expectation, I'm asking you to respect an element of our house is as a team, as part of the family, and this is what I've chosen, and regardless, this is the expectation. Lately, I have heard words along the lines of, "Ugh, you hate me. You can't wait to get rid of me." And then I'm sort of like frozen in my tracks, right? Because no parent wants to hear that. Like, how do we go from, "Please put your clothes into the hamper," to that, "I want you out of the house." I don't understand that in her head. At the same time, I want to acknowledge and address her feelings. However, there needs to be accountability. And the worst is, it's like, "Will you still hug me?" And I'm like, "What does this have to do with anything? Of course I'll hug you. However, we need to put the dirty clothes in the hamper." Of course I love her, and she's the most important thing to me, and I care about her well-being.

Thank you.

I feel like I'm in the room with you, and I appreciate your thorough description. I also admire how aware you are of what it is that you want to get from these moments. I want to point this out, that in these moments where you're feeling like, oh my gosh, what am I doing wrong? Because your daughter's saying, you don't want me here anymore, you want me out of the house, you don't love me, actually kind of contradict her body language in saying, can I have a hug? This is like this really big seesaw that a lot of our mama hearts are on, where you're like, well, am I doing something wrong or am I doing something right? And I want to know what's going on. Do you feel connected to me or disconnected to me? And I hear that all of these things matter deeply to you and you've come to the right place because everything I teach is about balancing structure and nurture, which is exactly what you're trying to strike in moments like this. And so the first thing that I want to address practically is that when we're handling moments with our kids who are feeling super intensely about something, oftentimes they say things that are just not true. They blame, they point fingers, they'll deflect, and these are all efforts to say other things. And so while I'm not telling you don't believe your child, I'm telling you that these outrageous statements like, "You don't love me, you don't want me here, you can't wait till I move out of the house," they're outrageous. They are deflecting and detracting from something she's feeling inside Beginning with what kid wants to get out of their bed when they're just about to cuddle with mom? Now, I also want to point out that bedtime is a time of day that a lot of kids dread.

Why?

Because that means I'm going to be separated from mom now. This is a major testament to how much she loves you and wants your closeness, as much as it feels like she's pushing you away. So that's number one. Let's get into the practical stuff. The first thing that I recommend is behavioral. Our structure needs to hold. I know it is important to you that clothes get put in the hamper at the end of the day. Then that part doesn't budge. And when our kids act in ways like this, in challenging ways, it's our job to identify first why. It's possible that this is escape-related. When kids wanna get out of doing what you asked them to do, they will act in challenging ways. Sometimes our kids act in tricky ways because they get extra attention for it from us. And at the end of the day, all they want is more, more, more, more, more of us. They can't get enough of us. I'm here with escape and attention, and I think it's a little bit of both. When you're saying, we got to clean up the clothes in the bathroom, and she's saying, oh, I don't want to do it. This is not fair. You don't love me. These are all efforts. To delay the thing that you asked her to do. And what's happening here— maybe there's some deeper stuff going on. This is where the attention comes into play. Maybe she wants more of you. Maybe she doesn't want to let you go at bedtime. She's dreading the fact that you're going to be separated. But hey, the expectation is that clothes have to go in the hamper. And so first, we need to draw the line. We say very little. We don't want to lecture. We don't want to overindulge with feelings talk. We don't want to overindulge with logic. Sorry you feel that way. Why do you feel that way? Did I say something to make you feel that way? Or you need to put your clothes away because that's important and that's what we do and you have to be responsible. And the other day you didn't put your clothes away and the other day you didn't. And now we're going to have to start putting our clothes away at this time.

Whoa. Right.

So drawing the line with as few words as possible is key. Clothes in the hamper and then we cuddle. Now she starts with, I don't want to do it. I don't know. Don't respond. Remove your attention. And if it helps, say something like this, I'll be back as soon as it's done. I gotta go use the bathroom. Just to help yourself create distance. And what I like to call this little strategy is ignoring the garbage. Because ultimately you did say, sometimes she does it, right? Sometimes she does it and it doesn't take as long. Sometimes she puts up a little bit of a fight, right? But ultimately we get her to do it. So we know that it's in her to do the task. She can do this. And so we need to try to remove our attention in these moments. Because our attention is doing two things. It's allowing her to delay this thing that she doesn't want to do. And it's actually getting her more of you in the midst of doing something that she shouldn't be doing. And a key part of our parenting is to fill our kids up with attention when they are doing the right things, not so much when they're doing the wrong things, because then we send them a mixed message that this is okay. And you actually could get more of my talking and connection and love. Even if you're nagging her, our kids count that. As attention. They're like, whatever, I'll take it. Even if she's yelling at me, I don't care. Let's try to keep our interactions quality. And so by removing your body and saying, close, then I'll be here back in your room to cuddle. Well, I think she'll get the message that, okay, I got to do this so I can get her back.

Thank you for that. I hear them and I think they're relevant and applicable, especially about wanting more attention. Oftentimes she knows when she goes to bed, I do a lot of my work. So she doesn't have my attention then. I think now I would change some things and sort of say, you know what, I really wanna cuddle with you. I'm looking forward to it. Just remember the clothes have to be in the hamper first so that like I could proactively do something in anticipation of that pushback. Unfortunately, depending on how much work I have does determine how much time I am sort of cuddling with her and talking at the end of the day. You know, it's sort of like our wind down time. Right? So I could be more aware of that. And then I have tried recently saying, you know what, I'm gonna go get a drink of water. I'll be back in 2 minutes. And by then I'm sure everything would be done and we can cuddle. And that recently helped. It was just easier for her to kind of get up and do it.

I think you testing out the water situation is really a testament to this is attention related because when you removed your attention, It did work a little more smoothly. And so you don't have to be mean about it, right? I gotta go use the bathroom. We could even make it more playful and say, hey, I'm gonna set this timer for 2 minutes and I'm gonna go pick up the clothes on my floor. You pick up the clothes on your floor. And by the time we get back, we have cuddle time. But if it's not done, we're gonna have to take out of our cuddle time tonight. I think we're gonna do it. We're on a team. And this is the last and final piece that I wanna talk about. The nurturing piece comes in, maybe not even that night during cuddling, maybe the next day, or maybe that night during cuddling. Hey, when you said I was ignoring you, I want to be very clear that I am not ignoring you, but we need to follow the system in the house or we can't do fun things, right? I couldn't wait to cuddle with you, so I was actually doing my thing while you were finishing up the business so we could get to the cuddling quicker. Explain yourself later. Don't respond when you're feeling heated. Don't respond when she's making snide remarks. Nothing productive is going to come of a conversation that is rooted in what feels like disrespect or rooted in what feels like big emotions on her part. You're doing her a favor by calmly saying, close, then cuddle. Call me from your bed when it's done. That way you don't even have to check up on her. Call me from your bed as soon as it's done and I'll be right here. Right? And so you're giving her power while also making your expectations very clear. And then later we address, hey, When you're feeling frustrated about something, we don't say that. That's not helpful. And it's really not true. I would never want you out of the house. I want you to live with me forever and ever and ever. Make a joke about it. You're not even allowed to go to college. You're not allowed to get married. I'm going to keep you forever. Make her laugh through it to realize, because what she's saying in all of those comments that she's making to you that make you want to go crazy is, do you still love me? Do you want to be close to me? Do you hate me? And imagine she was asking you that instead, right? Your response would be a lot more different. And so after the business is taken care of, in those outside moments, when you have a chance to talk in a regulated way and she did what you expected first, then you say, I just want you to know, even when I have rules and I feel strict, I still love you. I love you more than anything on the whole planet. Even when in the back of our head, we're like, she knows I love her. Just say it. Hey, you know, when I ask you to do all those things, I still love you more than anything.

They need that.

And they need that during the times where they're doing the right things. So we need to pour less of our attention into her when she's doing stuff that's making you tick. And we need to fill her up with love and attention when she's doing the good stuff and following the structure and following the routine.

I think it makes perfect sense, very logical and healthy and balanced. It's much easier for me to act in the way that I want to act when I'm calm and my buttons aren't being pushed. I need to work on that and figure out ways to sort of help myself regulate. As you were describing everything, I just wanted to hug her and say, "Of course I love you," which she does obviously know, but it is a reminder that our, our children always need to feel supported. These are the practical steps that I think will help me yield the better outcome.

Yeah, and I think it's all just a testament of how much you really, really love her and how much you want to be able to show up as the mom that doesn't feel like the bad guy. When your body is feeling that way, you don't need to engage. It will do better for you and it will do better for her. And when her body is feeling that way, we don't need to engage. And when we make our expectations really clear, we can actually make our moments with our kids really quality and not focus so much on the quantity.

Thank you.

As we wrap up, remember this: when your child reacts strongly to a simple request, it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, and it doesn't mean they actually believe the hurtful things that they're saying. It means they're overwhelmed, often torn between wanting more connection and avoiding something that they really don't wanna do. Your role isn't to overexplain or fix everything in the moment. It's to calmly hold the boundary while protecting the relationship. When we pair clear, consistent structure with intentional connection outside of those heated moments, our children learn that limits and love can exist at the same time, and that they don't have to push us away to feel close. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. Please know that your experience here matters to me. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or review, and please follow my show on Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. It really helps. If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure, High Nurture course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.