When Things Get Hard, My Kid Overreacts: why does everything feel so complicated with this child?

In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a mom who feels like she's constantly walking on eggshells and bracing herself for the next overreaction from her 6-year-old. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can to lead confidently at home. Let's get started.

Our 6-year-old, she just gets really easily frustrated and she'll just run. She's a runner, so she'll run and hide. It's multiple situations other than just schoolwork, but schoolwork, if she is anything, it feels like the environment has to be perfectly ideal for her to not have like multiple running episodes and frustration episodes.

Okay, what do you mean by ideal? Like, in your mind, you feel like things have to go her way? What do you mean by that?

So she has to feel like she wants to, um, she has to be well rested, she has to have been fed. Like, if anything is hard, it has to not be too hard. If she decides that she's gonna start reading something at that moment and I'm not ready, so I'm not paying attention, like, that's another trigger. She has a lot of triggers.

Okay, so in general, feeling like she's just a little more difficult to manage in that, you know, there's moments where you're just like, why couldn't this be easier with you? Why does everything have to feel so complicated?

Yeah, it is. That's a great word for it. It's just very complicated.

I hear you, and that's really hard. I'm sensing also some feelings on your end of I don't know what else to do because in these moments it feels like you have to have every single box checked off. And maybe in your mind you feel like in a way she is too needy or too high maintenance or too sensitive when it comes to certain things. And maybe you wish that she was a little more resilient.

I don't know if it's like, I feel like she's too much. But I do the wishing that she was more resilient or just like go with the flow. Like, I wish— I don't— she's just like how I was as a kid. So I really try to take that into account when doing anything with her because I didn't have an ideal situation growing up. So, um, just realizing that, like, how would I have wanted to be treated in this situation? But again, it's just really hard. It's, yeah, it's really hard. Like, cause you never know what you're going to get. But like, I just wish it like that it could be easier. Like, and it's not just schoolwork. There's like multiple times of the day that this happens and you never know when it's going to happen.

Sure.

Sure.

And that is completely overwhelming. It almost feels like you are walking on eggshells.

Yeah. And it's like that with her sister. It's like that with my husband. Not really. We, we, we have a father-in-law who lives with us. He lives separately, but like, he's he's here a lot. He doesn't really get the flack, but everybody else kind of— we're just like, okay, yeah, sure.

And is she your oldest?

No, I have two girls. One's 9 and she's 6. Okay, perfect.

So let's get into it.

So yesterday we were doing English— we homeschool— and we were doing her English work, and she really wanted to be the reader. And so, like, I don't know, our schoolwork is pretty scripted So like this one particular thing is pretty scripted. So it's like read to the child. And so, you know, I read her everything. I read her the stuff for me and then the stuff for her. And she wanted to read, but then she's not— she's a great reader, but she's not at a point of like straight up comprehension. So like, I'm, you know, I said, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna read it again. Like you can read it, but I'm gonna read it again. Well, she gets mad. She feels like she's the only one to read, but then she's like, I don't know what I'm doing. So when I have to read it, then when I have to read it and try and try and understand it, right? Because she's 6, like, yes, she's reading, but she's not reading like you and I read. Like, she's learning. So I have to like read it to grasp it. So I know how to help her do what she has to do. That's frustrating to her. So she got up and ran. Okay. Um, so that's just one specific instance. Yeah.

That's really helpful. So tell me what your typical reactions are or what your reaction was in this moment.

Um, I usually follow her in. Um, I give her a minute always because I've learned that she sometimes just needs a minute. Um, so like maybe 30, you know, 30 seconds to a literal minute, and then I'll go in and, you know, try and talk with her about like, um, you know, I understand that it's hard. I understand that you wanted to read. I'll like just trying to explain the situation. I also need to read it so I can understand what's going on, so I can understand how to help you. Um, and just when things don't feel like we have to do hard things, blah blah blah, you know. Um, and she usually always comes back out with me and then we start over again. And, um, but it's a lot, it's like a lot of that.

And, um, okay, let's talk a little bit about what your daughter is going through. What do you think she's saying by running off?

Honestly, like, sitting here thinking about it now, talking to you about it, like her reading wasn't good enough.

Sure.

Yeah.

So how does it feel to say that?

Horrible, because it's not true. It's just, you know, I mean, it's true in a way because like I need to be able to like have, you know, like we need our own understanding, right? Like I need the understanding of the content that I'm reading her so I can help her.

Sure.

Um, but it feels awful because like that is a total lie that I told myself as a kid too, you know, that I agreed with as a kid too. So, um, it's awful, and I don't ever want my kid to feel like that.

Yeah, and I can hear how big your heart is through your words because you are full of empathy and understanding. And sometimes we're caught in this place as parents of, I know I have to say the logical thing, and also like, your heart gets it. Yeah, you get it. And sometimes we don't always allow our heart to come through in these moments because our stress response is high, right? And in the moment of, you know, you coming to her and saying, I have to get through this, I have to read it too, you have to read it and I have to read it because I have to understand it. And sometimes that's just how it goes because we have to learn and we have to get these lessons in because it's so important to learn. Are all responses rooted in logic, right? It's all very logical. And you just kind of showed me that yourself when you answered me. You were like, I kind of get it that she's saying I'm not good enough, and then I'm answering her with logic, even though your heart knows what she is going through, right? And so I'm curious to know what your body is feeling when you are going to her room and saying all the things that you did say. Are you feeling like your stress is higher than normal? Are you feeling tightness in your chest? Are you feeling like aggravated? Are you feeling like, oh, she's doing this again?

I don't think it's so much that as it's like a feeling of defeat. I don't think it's like a stress thing because I can see that she's upset. And, um, so I don't necessarily think it's a— I, I'm not coming at her. I mean, maybe there's a little frustration, but it's more like defeat, like, okay, we're here again and again and again and again.

Yeah. And when any of us are feeling defeated, we feel like I must be doing something wrong. Yeah. Why is this not working?

Sure.

And so I want to kind of get to the bottom of that first in that you aren't doing anything wrong. And I'm not here to say this is the right way to handle it and this is the wrong way to handle it. That's not my job. My job is to just provide clarity and relief. For parents so that you can meet your very unique daughter. Every single child has their own unique blueprint in exactly what they need so that you can think with clarity and lead her. So the first thing I want to address to mom, right, is that when that thought is coming in of, I'm feeling defeated, I'm doing something wrong again, why is this not working, why is this the 20th time today that this is happening, Just recognize it. Just recognize it, right? And just like not saying it out loud, but saying it in your head of, I am not doing anything wrong. Being a parent is not a matter of wins and losses. It's an experience of repetitively guiding my child and every day waking up and trying again and making tweaks and growing with my child. And so you are exactly where you're meant to be right now. And I want to make that really clear that you are here for a reason. We are having this conversation for a reason. And I think it's important to recognize that first.

I appreciate the encouragement. I do. Yeah. I need to video, like, put that on repeat.

As moms, we do all the work, right? The invisible, the visible, all the work. And not often do we feel seen. We're so busy feeling and seeing everybody else constantly, right? And so I want to tell you that I see you and you're not doing anything wrong. You're just learning who your daughter is and what she needs, and so are all of us. So in this moment, your daughter isn't trying to avoid learning, right? And that's what it looks like on the surface, like, oh, she's giving up again, but she's having some sort of stress response when something feels off to her. And I think we kind of got down to the bottom of it in that She is not feeling adequate, maybe we could say, or she's feeling like, you know, I can't do this, I am not good enough, I can't read, my mom does everything better. We don't know exactly what's going through her mind, but at a minimum, she's not trying to avoid learning. She's just having some sort of nervous system response and her feelings are taking over. She's not trying to delay time. She's not trying to be manipulative, which are all the things that go through our head, right? When our kids are constantly doing this, and then we start accepting those feelings of defeat, like, I'm doing something wrong, this is not good, she is pushing all the buttons, she pushes and pushes, and how much is she gonna get, and how much is she gonna take, and we start having those very normal and natural responses when we are parents who really care. Our goal isn't to eliminate these moments for her, which doesn't seem to me like that's what you're trying to do at all, but it's to just structure them differently so that she feels supported through it, but also knows the expectation. So there's a couple of things that we can do in these moments, and I'm going to walk you through 3 practical things. So in these moments, she is learning. That when something feels hard, when something feels off, when something feels frustrating, when I don't feel good enough, I run. And it works every time, right? And Mom, you are meeting her there, you are giving her space, you are talking her through it, you are getting her back. But the reason the behavior is not changing is because it's working. And when our kids experience behaviors that work, they repeat and repeat and repeat. So just as we want them to do that for the good behaviors, like, please don't stop doing that, that's great, I want you to keep repeating that, they just do the same for the undesirable behaviors. And so essentially, we want to try and restructure her brain and rebuild her skills to see that when something feels hard, we do not run. We do not run. That is not a choice. And is that going to happen overnight? No. These are things that we have to shape. Behaviors need to be shaped. And so what do we need to do? We want to try our best to proactively set ourselves up and set her up for these moments, especially very intense kids. They need structure to be the framework for when emotion hits. That's how I want you to think of it. We want to preload the structure for her, and so we don't want to wait for regulation in a moment that dysregulates her, because that's her pattern right now. I get dysregulated, I run, and then I get regulated. But what we want to do is kind of get rid of that run part. And so the expectation is kind of like, she is not really feeling prepared for when the moment gets hard. And it sounds to me like these things happen often because you said, this happens in other moments too. So because you are so in tune to your kids and you know her patterns, we can actually prepare her for these moments. And you're not going to get all of them, but the idea is that you're going to start getting ahead of some of them. And so, what I want you to do is give her a heads up. So, tomorrow when you start the lesson, if you know that you're gonna begin with reading, you're gonna quickly say something like, "We're gonna do some reading today, and I am so excited to hear how great you are at reading the words because you are getting so good." "but remember, Mommy also has to read it to you just so I have an understanding. Do you want me to read it to myself and then let you try to read out loud, or do you want me to read out loud and then it will be your turn?" So, what you're doing is you're actually building up her structure, giving her some choice and control over a moment that feels really uncomfortable for her. And what you're doing is you're actually teaching her that this is how it's gonna go. You are leading her. And then we can guide her with another sentence like, yesterday, remember when you ran up to your room? If you're starting to feel frustrated, that's our body telling us, ooh, this feels so hard, but I want you to have a challenge today. If your body is saying, this feels so hard, I don't want you to let your feet run. I want you to tell your feet to stick themselves on the ground and say, help please. Can you try that? What you've done now is you've actually given her a replacement skill to the running. I don't want you to run away, but here's what I want you to try instead. Let's practice. Let's throw our feet in the ground and say, help, please, and let's see if we could do it.

I probably will need to listen to this a bunch of times, but, um, that's really good, especially like setting her up with how it's gonna look first instead of just diving into what we've always done. Because when you do what you did, you get what you got. So I think I really I'm grateful for that. Just that one solution alone, I feel like is going to be a game changer. Yeah.

And I think it's interesting, right? Because this ties into what you were saying before, where we feel like it's always something with her, right? Whether she isn't eating enough or she's too tired or she's hungry or she's this or it's not the perfect way or we're not doing it in the order she wants. These are all attempts at her little body trying to grasp for control. And so we need to get ahead of it and give her some control, but in the guidelines that we want it to be in. And so what you're actually doing with this practical skill is you're setting her up for success instead of waiting for her to fail and then trying to teach her a lesson about how to do it differently. So, what we want to do is get ahead of it to be like, "No, you are going to do this right today, and I am going to be there every step of the way." Because then slowly over time, weeks, months, you can pull away. And maybe if we could fast forward a month or two from now, maybe you don't have to give her the heads up before we start reading because she just knows that Mom reads and then I read, or Mom reads quietly in the corner and then it's my turn to read. Because she's so confident and comfortable with the structure.

Great.

Now we're going to move into the second practical aspect of it. Now the moment comes, right? Is she just not gonna run off? Um, no, of course she is. She is going to mess this up even if you give her a heads up. She is going to try and run because her body is conditioned to do that, and we need to start reversing that, and that's going to take time. So in the moment where she is starting to run off, whether something feels hard or she's frustrated or it didn't go her way or she's disappointed, I want you to hold the boundary with as little words as possible. So neutral, to the point, no emotions. You can't run away. Hold her body. Don't say a word. Let her throw her arms. I'm right here, and I have something to tell you when you're ready to listen, but you can't run away. Our quiet and calm presence combined with holding the structure of what we said already, because you proactively built her up for this moment, that you already stated you will not allow. I will not let you run away. Now you're following through. And even though at first you might feel really mean, you might feel like you might get hurt, you might feel like this is really hard, I want you to stick with it. Because what you're showing her is, I mean what I say, and You're actually providing safety for her. And I know it sounds crazy, you're actually providing safety because you have given her the gift of predictability. And when our kids feel things intensely, that's what they need. They will do everything in their power to try and fight it, but I want you to tell yourself deep down that I am doing her a favor. And when she does show that calmness, I want you to then say what you said to her in her room, just simply acknowledging what she's going through, that this isn't going how you expected, or this feels really hard. You want to know why? Because it is hard. I remember when I didn't get a chance to read and I was like, oh, I can't read, I'm not good enough, everybody's better than me. All you're doing is just meeting her where she is, but you're keeping her where she is. So I expect you to fully be within like 10 feet of whatever that place was where you guys were reading. And so when we do that, when we reduce our language, when we stay present, it's kind of helping her to regulate in a place where she feels uncomfortable. When she feels discomfort, she escapes. We want to show her, when you feel discomfort, you stay, and I'm not leaving your side.

That feels a little stressful. It feels a little hard to like force her to stay with me, but I understand why, because yeah, we, we like, yeah, we can regulate when we're uncomfortable, like that's the key. That's the, that's the goal of all of it. So while it feels really uncomfortable to me, maybe I need to regulate when I'm uncomfortable too.

So yeah, that's really reflective of you to say that. And the first time is going to feel so hard, and it's going to get easier and easier because she's going to say, ooh, my mom's not going to let this slide. I got to figure this out right here. And that's the goal. Now, something else I can offer you, because I know you're feeling stressed, is that sometimes when things feel really stressful, if it feels too big, then maybe we just need to make the first step a little smaller. If it feels better for you, I would ask her to say something like, I need a minute in my room, please. Before letting her go to her room and still let her run off to her room. But the key is she has to jump that hurdle first. She has to say, I need a minute in my room. And so what you're actually doing is you're shaping her awareness. Now I'm going to state what I need and then I'm going to go. Instead of hard to running, I'm going to say this is hard. Then I'm going to acknowledge it, and then I'm going to run. And then slowly, maybe in the next week, you're going to say, okay, when you say I have to go to my room, I'm not going to let you go. I'm going to keep you in the room with me, but I think you can do it. Because what you're actually doing is taking her urge to run and you're separating it from her action to run. And every week I want you to kind of Picture it like you're adding a wedge between those two things. You're making them just a little bit further apart and a little bit further apart and a little bit further apart, so she has time to think between the urge and the action. Does that feel a little bit better?

Yeah, it does. So is a really hard time acknowledging things like she'll hit her sister, and we don't really make or that's another impulse of hers, like she will hit. Um, and recently, like, her sister was like— she was pushing her, so she hit her. And we don't ever make our kids say sorry. We just ask them when they're ready to check on the other person, is there anything I can do for you? I don't know if that's right or wrong, but that's what we do. And, um, because they don't— I don't— I don't always even know what the capacity of sorry is. Like, I don't expect a 6-year-old to, but, um And so I did. I went in and I acknowledged her, and I'm like, you just felt like you had no other choice but to hit her, and we don't hit, and you need to check on your sister, but I understand why. And like, it changed— it changed everything. So, um, I think with her, like, acknowledging goes a really, really long way. And I think her having— like, her needing to acknowledge the fact that she wants to run is going to be a really big thing for her.

And now the third thing that I want to offer is kind of the after, right? The after the moment. So let's say she does storm away. I want you to recognize that what you're doing, a lot of the things that you are doing, are really powerful. You're not forcing her to re-engage, you're kind of guiding her to re-engage, and you're not forcing her to re-engage too fast. You're not like, come on, I don't want you to run away. You said it yourself, you're like, when she needs a minute, I give her a minute because it works really well. And that's great because you're not discussing things with a dysregulated brain. And when we don't discuss things with our kids when they're dysregulated, it goes such a long way because when they are dysregulated, nothing goes into their brain. They don't understand us. They just need their bodies to be calm first. And so let's say this does happen, try not to re-engage too fast because one of the things that I do question Is she developing a pattern, right? Because we know there's a pattern of something feels hard, I run. Is she also developing a pattern on the opposite end of when I run, I get extra attention from mom? That's one of the big question marks I get.

She is a connection seeker. Like, there's never enough connection for her.

Okay. And that's really helpful. Like, even if you're yelling at her to not touch the candy, she's like, this is great. Mom's looking at her, right? Yeah. And so we know our kids best, and that's something I want you to question, is like, hmm, does she feel like she's getting more of me? Because now Mom's alone with me in my room, and Mom's gonna get on my level, and she's gonna give me an extra 2 minutes of empathy and love. And I love when Mom talks to me like this, and it's so great. I want to keep her here forever. So I'm gonna just do this again in 10 minutes when something doesn't go my way, because I get Mom. And I don't know, I don't know if that's the case, but I want you to start investigating that. And so the real practical thing is, how do you actually do that? Well, I want you to try and change that behavioral pattern of when I'm frustrated, I go to my room, then I get mom. Maybe— and tell me how this feels for you— you set your boundary. I want you to keep your body in the kitchen and not go to her room. I want you to give her the control. That when you're ready, I'm here to chat. I will be in the kitchen. Yeah, and just see how that works. Just once, twice, right? Don't push it every time, but I want you to kind of test the waters there because then you'll be able to know, is she just staying in her room because she wants my attention? And if you do pull that room attention away, is she going to keep running off to her room? Hmm, I don't know. Maybe that's gonna stop because mom's not meeting her up there. Maybe she's gonna come to mom where mom is, and we'll kind of be able to connect the dots there.

That's good. That's— I think that's a great idea because I'm not taking anything away from her. I'm just saying that she can't be in that place. Like, I'm still gonna love her, I'm still gonna talk with her, but the escape— we're taking the escape away.

I like how you said that. You're taking away the reinforcement. Of the escape. Like, it's okay if you have those feelings, it's okay if you need a minute in your room, but I will be here, right? I will be here. And that way we can really trust her feelings, right?

And then it's also like, I'm here for you when you're ready. So if she needs a minute, she can have it. If she just wants me, she can have me, but the thing that she's doing is being eliminated. So that feels good.

And it might not be the case, but That's a good test. And then the last thing I want to offer in this area of attention is, especially with our kids, right, who are acting out in ways that are not desirable or making big scenes of things when they're really frustrated, we want to be very careful about the attention we're giving because, like I said, our kids learn patterns. They learn what behaviors work. So overall, in your mind, I want you to remember to fill her up with positivity and encouragement when she's doing the good things and the right things. And be more quiet, be more present, but be quiet when she's not doing the best things, because our voices are actually fuel for attention. And I want you to keep yourself small and quiet when she is struggling, right? Give her your body as a hug or a safe place, or be nearby for support. But don't say as much because our kids have this radar of, I get a lot of my mom's voice when I'm feeling this way, and I don't get a lot of my mom's voice when I'm doing this thing. And you'll notice that this actually starts to transform some behaviors as well.

I think these are all great. Like, I can, I can feel in my body that like implementing this is going to be transformative, like on a lot of different levels. So I'm grateful. Yeah, I just have to remember. Thank you so much. Thank you.

As we wrap up, remember this: your child isn't being difficult on purpose. They're responding to discomfort in the only way their nervous system knows how. When something feels too hard, too overwhelming, or not just right, their instinct isn't to push through. It's to run away. Your job isn't to eliminate those moments, but to reshape them by preparing them ahead of time, holding clear and calm boundaries in the moment, and being intentional about where your attention goes afterwards. This isn't about perfection or getting it right every time. It's about showing up with consistency, clarity, and trust that change happens through repetition, not one perfect moment. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. Please know that your experience here matters to me. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who need this message. If this This episode helped you, please leave a rating or review and please follow my show on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. It really helps. If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High High Nurture Course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.