When Your Kids Ignore You and You Explode

In today's episode, I invite you into my real-time coaching session with a working mom of 4 who walks into a calm home and 5 minutes later finds herself in complete chaos. We talk about overwhelm, mom guilt, losing your cool, and how even the best parents can reach their breaking point. Welcome to the Parent Coaching Chair podcast. I'm your host, Julie Fragnito, and your partner in parenting. Here we'll talk with real parents about their real moments. Come along as we grow from each other's experiences and receive practical, high-structure, high-nurture tools that you can use to lead confidently at home. In today's episode, we'll step inside a moment that so many working parents know by heart: the transition from work mode to mom mode, when you're exhausted, overstimulated, and trying to hold it all together. If you've ever walked into your house after work and felt instantly defeated, overstimulated, or ashamed of how you handled a hard moment, this episode is for you. Let's get started.

We have 4 kids. Our oldest is 6, and then we've got a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and an 11-month-old. There was one particular day when work was just a little more stressful than usual. My husband was also running late, which is not abnormal. He runs late a lot, and so I'm usually prepared to kind of come home and just be solo parent for a while until he can help. But, you know, I walk in and it's usually super calm. Like, we've got a nanny and she's absolutely incredible. When I usually come home, it's like the The kids are sitting down and starting to eat dinner. Like the house is picked up. She is just an incredibly calm person. Um, and so everything was kind of fine until she left and then everything just went haywire. The baby started crying, which whatever, I can handle that. The 2-year-old, she's just at a really, really busy stage of like, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom. Which again, is great. Like that's the best word ever, but sometimes not when it's like, 20 times in a row and the baby's crying. And then the big kids were, you know, done with dinner dinner because the nanny had, had fed them dinner dinner and that they wanted to cook themselves a treat. So I'm kind of just like standing there with my work bag that I still haven't unloaded. I breastfeed and so I pumped at work. And so in my brain it's like, okay, I have to get the milk unloaded. I wanna get the pump parts in the bowl so I can get all of that washed. I need to eat, like I was starving. And in a matter of, you know, 5 minutes of the nanny leaving and things being peaceful, it was just utter chaos. Like, mm-hmm. They had dug into the baking cupboard and gotten out the sugar, the flour, the powdered sugar. At one point, like, my son was cracking an egg. Like, not even, not even joking. Like, he was cracking an egg. You know, and I, I feel like most of the time I'm pretty good about being in control, but I think my mind was just in so many different places at that time. Like, I need to clean up from dinner. I need to unload the, the breast milk. I need to get my pump parts going. The baby's crying. The baby's hungry and the 2-year-old needs something and it's like just so many many different things coming at you at one time. When I sort of just lost it, like, that's, that's the reality of the situation. Like, I just absolutely was just up to my max and kind of lost it. And then the fun adventure of them wanting to bake something was just over and crushed, and they sort of ran away to start something else. But then it was like, okay, now I'm still stuck here with this huge mess, and I just yelled at my kids that I'm super excited to see after a really long day, and my husband's not going to be home for another hour, and the baby's still crying.

Thank you. I feel like I am in your kitchen. There's layers of you feeling happy to be home and to see your kids and to love the peace that you're coming into. Your ideal picture would be mom comes home and everybody continues with the same energy that they have and we roll into what? What does it look like on a night that goes really well?

You know, I get so excited to come home because You know, without starting to cry, like, I work really hard for my kids. Like, that's— they drive my work. I'm a family med doc, and so I spend my time away from my kids caring for other people in their most vulnerable moments, which I don't take that job lightly. I'm incredibly humbled and grateful to do what I do, but I also work really hard to support the people that I love and to show them, like, hey, look, Mom's leaving and she's working really hard. You know, it's kind of that whole circle of, like, Mom's going to help people. So the nights that go peaceful, oftentimes it would have been and like I would've walked in, the nanny had things calm, she would've left. I would've loved to sit down with my food and eat my food while talking to them about their day. And then a lot of times, you know, I get them busy with books or we've got a piano room with some toys. Like I get them sort of occupied somewhere else. And then honestly, I love just kind of like the peaceful silence of cleaning up the kitchen. And a lot of times that is the routine that I thrive with because then when my husband walks in, it's like happy kids playing, clean kitchen, and then I warm up his way to food and he gets to eat. But I realize that as like idealistic as that is, it's not the norm. And I, I know that my kids aren't robots. I'm not a robot, but there are nights that go like that. It's just this particular night was absolutely not that.

That was a really nice way to put it. And it helps me see what you value. What happened this night in particular, you had this overwhelm and frustration wash over your body and you felt like you ruined the evening or what was left of the evening with your kids. And because you treasure and value being a mother so much, there's a lot of emotion here because of how passionate you are to be a mother. You felt an immense amount of weight because you were like, I ruined it. And there's some longing there, right? Like, I'm longing for connection with my kids. And I think the big question here is what is it that you're looking to get out of this reflection.

You know, as you just said that, it really hit on something like the working mom guilt for me often hits with a lack of me being able to set boundaries, if that makes sense. Like, mm-hmm. As soon as they started to make the kitchen mess, there's that guilt of I was just gone working all day. Right. They just wanna bake a little bit. I don't wanna, you know, stop this right now, say no. And like, here I am coming in and already just being the bad guy. Uh, you're robbed of so much time with them because you're working, which again, I, I love what I do, but I also I also really love being a mom. And so it's just that constant, like, heartstring tug. How do you set boundaries without feeling like you're taking away from the fun of those, those limited few hours in the evening?

The first thing you're mentioning is guilt, and I think that's the first thing we need to address because it's your truth that you're living, and you are a passionate mother and you are a passionate doctor. I think it is inevitable that because you are a passionate mother, you are always going to put that first in your heart and in your brain and in your mind. And when we're faced with these challenging moments of being the quote unquote bad guy, and we realize that time is one of our most valuable resources with our kids. We are constantly in overdrive and calculating, how am I coming off in this moment? Am I making this moment positive for them? Am I making this moment negative for them? I want them to be happy. And your heart is just in a million places at once while also you want order. And this is the foundation of everything that I teach, finding that balance of structure and nurture. It's easier to do in the easy moments, but But when we get to these moments, like, ooh, how can you find that balance, right? Without feeling like the bad guy or making them wanna run away from you. What did that feel like for you? What was going through your mind at that point?

It was horrible. So honestly, like they had scattered and so I got the other two occupied and then I just spent like 20 minutes in just like a wallow of self-pity while I was cleaning up the mess. It was such a mess. There was so much flour everywhere. And then I think the self-pity almost got worse because it's like now instead of like going and trying to do some repair work, I'm cleaning up the mess.

I think that makes perfect sense. And I'm curious to know, did you have a chance to repair?

We 100% did repair work, which I, I love that. I'd never really as a mom like been exposed to that. And you helped me so much just to recognize that, that like, guess what, I'm human, you know? And so my kids are gonna make mistakes, but I'm gonna make a mistake too. And that always like was, was kind of a hard thing for me to swallow because I am just at nature such a perfectionist. But we did, like I got everything cleaned up, I got everything calmed down and you know, I sat down with both of them, and I just kind of explained, like, Mom had a super long day at work. I know that that's not your fault that I had a busy day at work, but then I came home and you guys started to make a huge mess, and I asked you a few times not to, and I blew up because after asking you over and over, over again, you know, to stop doing it, you just kept doing it and you kept making a big mess. And I know that you were just excited to have fun with me, but I had asked you not to do that. And both of them, like, gave me a big hug. Bedtime was super smooth. You know, by this time my husband was home as well, and so I think that that helped because He is such a cool cucumber all the time, like always just brings the calm presence. And so I think that that helped. He did get a few text messages about this adventure, so I think he was extra calm because he knew sort of what he was gonna walk into. But I just hate that that robbed us of some quality time that we could have otherwise spent together.

I think that was beautifully said, and I just love your transparency. You're so candid and so human. If we had the power to go back to this moment and rewind, right? Practically why we're here, what do we do differently the next time? Something like this happens again. We have these times where our kids are going to be kids. So we have 6 and 4-year-olds as our quote unquote oldest, right? And we click them into this like old category because they're the oldest by order, but are they old? No, they are still so little. And so I think that mindset number 1 is remembering that they are all so developmentally small. And what that means is that that their lives are just like trial and error. And even though the 6-year-old should be the best listener of all, a 6-year-old is not always a good listener. And so in this moment, when you initially said, guys, I don't want you doing that right now, and it was disregarded, sometimes their brains do this where their excitement takes over and they're so very driven by the excitement of it that they literally have impulses. And they can't stop. And so what do we actually have the power to do? What you did for your infant is really not that different than what you needed to do in that moment for your 4 and 6-year-old. Here's what I mean. Our words mean nothing without action. When we tell an excited 6-year-old that you can't do that right now, and you throw a 4-year-old into the mix and the 4-year-old is really excited and they're feeding off of each other's energy of like, like kitchen science. Yeah. And mom is like, stop doing that. It's almost like they don't even hear you. Is that what it felt like in that moment?

100%. I'm also dying about kitchen science because I've never heard it called that. And that's gonna be my new name for their baking projects.

You're looking at your kids and you're saying something and it's literally like they don't hear your voice. So yes, when that is happening to us, it is so frustrating to feel like your voice is not being heard. However, Science tells us, hey, this is normal. Your kid is learning.

They are growing.

And our words mean nothing without action. So essentially, we need to train our child's brains to recognize that we mean what we say. And how do we do that? We don't repeat ourselves. So if we feel ourselves falling into a trap of repetition, our voice loses meaning because what they're effectively learning is my mom Mom said it once, we're still going. My mom said it twice, we're still going. I think my mom is saying something, but whatever, this is still so fun. Oh, now she's screaming. Whoa. Okay. Something's happening. I'm gonna get outta here. And so what's happening in their brain is what just happened? It doesn't sound like your kids were doing anything maliciously, like, ha ha ha, like, you know, we're gonna ignore mom and see if we can get away with this. Is that kind of correct or do you feel like it was being done maliciously?

Not malicious at all. 100% correct.

We need to take action. Now, is this particular Is it particularly difficult to do when you have a crying baby in your hand? Yes. Can it be done? Yes. For example, 6 and 4-year-old, I need your eyes. If we don't get their eyes, we walk over to the counter, even with a crying baby, right? As moms, we're experts at talking through a crying baby. Yes. We go over, we ask for their eyes and we still don't have them. Okay, take action. I'm picturing you taking like a bag of chocolate chips, a thing of flour, and like baking drops into your arm and pushing them across the counter so they are no longer within reach and getting their eyes. I need your eyes. Now, if that doesn't work, maybe you're going up to one of the two, right? Because we can't always handle all at once, but picking the one that you feel like you have the smallest amount of attention from and holding their hand and guiding them maybe off of their stool that they're standing on and saying, come over here with me, I need to speak to you. Do you see what I'm doing here? You haven't repeated yourself. You said, I need your eyes, or you I can't do that right now. And when it wasn't heard, you moved your body to take action. Parents tend to think, and this is when our adrenaline kicks in, they're not listening. This is a mess. Everything's gonna be a disaster. Now my husband's not coming home for an hour. The baby's crying. This is happening. And it's almost like we're standing there doing nothing. And that is one of the most crippling things when we are actually just speaking and not taking action.

Absolutely love that. Like, it seems so simple, yet I did not actually ever physically go over and remove any of the things. Or like make eye contact with either of them because their backs were towards me. And I was kind of just in like frozen mom mode.

I think every single mom could paint a picture of their own face in that exact moment and look back and be like, oh yeah. And it's so amazing that when we do start to put action to our words and we choose not to repeat ourselves, that everybody does better because you're actually setting them up for success by taking action. My guess is that after this point, point when you had your child's attention, perhaps they would've been like, oh, okay, mom, got it. And maybe you would've said, I need you both to help me put those two things away. 6-year-old, please do the flour. 4-year-old, put those cups in the sink and end it on a positive note. Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping clean that up. That was great. I'll be with you in a moment. I need you both to go here next, right? Just to get back on track.

It seems like such simple advice. Which is just gonna be helpful for me to have in my toolbox for those moments where like you come home and you get flooded. Mm-hmm. Uh, like I see the crying baby, I pick up the crying baby. You see the busy kids, they also need the same love and attention and physical touch that the baby does, you know? Mm-hmm. So it's like just paralleling that to, to the big kids.

It's easy to put a lot of pressure on ourselves when there's more than one kid in the picture, right? Whether you're a mom of two, a mom of 3, a mom of 4, a mom of 7, it's easy to be like, oh my gosh, there's so many of them and just one of me. How am I gonna pour all of this love and connection and attention into them? Even if you're being the quote unquote bad guy and just telling them what you want, at least you're doing it with intention and with love, right? That kind of goes back to your initial concern at the beginning of like, I hated that when I come home, I have to start laying down the law and I wish I could just be connected and fun. And I think this is a beautiful realization. You could still come in with that structure. And say, this is what I need you guys to do. But the beautiful part is that you can still do that with love. You can do that without losing it, and they still feel protected and loved and connected to you even more so than the alternative, which is driving yourself to the ground and just being super permissive and letting them do anything that they wanted to make them feel good and happy with you.

I agree wholeheartedly. And I also really, really resonate with when you say like, don't drown in all the thoughts, just sort of choose one thought. And I think that is so powerful. And I'm going to probably just repeat that in my head over and over again because it is like, even when I explain my scenario and I go back to that, it's like I needed to eat, to clean up the kitchen, to put the milk away, to put the pump parts in the sink. You know, I can think all the thoughts, but I can only kind of act on one and do one thing at a time and kind of not let my brain get flooded in all the thoughts, you know? And I should have probably just pushed like all the other thoughts aside and focused on 4 and 6-year-old, you know, made eye contact, got them to put the stuff away. And I bet we would've had a very different evening.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if you've ever done this exercise. When I get overwhelmed in similar ways, like I have to empty the dishwasher, I have to clean the coffee pot, I gotta get everything set up for tomorrow. Like my mind's spinning. And one night I took my phone and I said, you know what? I'm gonna actually time myself emptying the dishwasher. I was like, how long does it actually take me to do this? And so I set a timer, I emptied the dishwasher, and I was astounded. I'm pretty sure it was like 3 minutes and 20 seconds, and I wasn't like speeding through this task. But when I saw that number, I was like, really? That's what I get worked up over? As we wrap up today, I want to leave you with this reminder: that moment when everything falls apart, when the baby is crying, the kitchen is a mess, your patience is gone, and your heart feels heavy, does not define you as a parent. It defines that you're human. Overwhelmed doesn't mean you're weak. Losing your cool doesn't mean you've failed. What matters is what you you next, when you come back, when you take responsibility, when you reflect, when you repair. Your kids don't need perfection. They need presence. They need boundaries that feel safe. They need a parent who can say, that was hard, let's do that differently next time. And remember this: you can be nurturing without being permissive. You can be structured without being harsh. You can protect your connection without totally giving up your leadership. Thank you for joining me in the Parent Coaching Chair. Keep leading your home with high structure and high nurture, and I'll meet you back here next week. Please know that your experience here matters to me. Your ratings and reviews help this podcast reach more parents who need this message. If this episode helped you, please leave a rating or review, and please follow my show on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. It really helps. That's one small way you can pay it forward. If you're looking for more support, you'll find classes and practical guides over at my website, www.transformingparenthood.com. And podcast listeners can use the code PODCAST15 at checkout for 15% off my Mastering High Structure, High Nurture course, my signature systematic approach to raising cooperative and emotionally skilled kids.