Couple Struggles With Learning Boundaries As Step-Parents | KARAMO

Some people have an extra challenge, which is nacho parenting, which means raising a child that is not your own. You get it? Nacho parenting. This is very common in blended families with stepchildren and stepparents. My guest, John, and his wife, Shay, got married 6 years ago and blended their family. John says he needs my help because he and his wife struggle with raising their children. Some are his, some are hers, and some are theirs. So let's meet John to hear his side of the story and see how he needs my help. John, come on out.

How you doing?

You look sharp. Thank you. You look sharp, John.

Thank you.

So John, what's going on? How do you, why do you need my help?

I would say the majority of needing your help is finding the dynamics to blend our family.

Got it.

Also maybe finding a way for me and Shay to reconnect because of all the different things that have happened in our relationship while trying to blend. You know, it's kind of ruined our relationship as a husband and wife.

Those things are good for me to hear to help, but I want to go back a little bit. I wanna know about the kids. How do they get along?

The kids, they get along very well, but then there's also some, you know, typical kid squabble between them. The dynamics with the kids and Shay, they get along, but at the same time, it also seems like a same thing with the power struggle.

So tell me again with this photo, 'cause I know it already, but I wanna be clear. Tell me with this photo, who's yours, who's hers, which ones are blended? I mean, which one do you have to get?

Absolutely. All right, so the two oldest in the background and then the little guy in the front are from her marriage. The boy to the left and everything are from my marriage. And then the little one on Shay's hip is our together. That's our us child.

Got it, got it, got it. And how many live at home with you?

Living at home will be two that we call the 24/7. Okay. 'Cause they live with us 24/7. And then the other two, they come every other weekend or select holidays due to the relationship. From my first marriage.

Okay, got it. I understand that. All right, so what is your approach to parenting or being with the kids?

I would say, I guess being in the military, I'm a very kind of—

What branch are you in?

I'm in the Marines.

Nice. Thank you for your service.

So, some of the, I've had way too much structure. So I'm kind of like, if it doesn't affect them morally or ethically, just kind of let them be kids and let life teach them. Where Shay is very controlling about the dynamics of making sure everything's done her way. My way or the highway, you know?

Understandable. So tell me about warrior weekend dad. What does that mean?

Only seeing your kids on the weekend. So my time with them is very limited with them. So I don't like to fight. I don't like to, I guess in a way, parent fully like I should.

I've heard this before many times when you have fathers or a mother who they don't want to like inflict too much discipline.

Yes.

Because you want to like, enjoy those moments, sort of like let's have fun, enjoy dad, right?

Exactly.

I wanna take a step back though. Okay. Because I wanna know about you and Shay before you had kids. Tell me about your relationship.

We started dating after I was friend-zoned. She instantly friend-zoned you? She instantly friend-zoned me, like it was instant. Like I was not her type. It took a friend to tell her I was her type. What? I was friend-zoned like that. It took me a lot of work to get outta there.

Yeah.

But once I had got outta the friend zone, that led onto her telling me we're dating. That's how I found out we're dating.

So first she friend-zoned you and then she's like, we dating.

We dating. So she had, like I said, she's very, not controlling in a negative way, but she controls majority of everything it seems like. Fast forward to December, we're in the mall hanging out with our kids and I go to buy a promise ring. A key word on promise. We walk out, one of the daughters is like, oh, you guys are engaged? I thought it was, a promise ring, but come to find out it was an engagement also.

'Cause she said so.

She said so. We got the ring and then before I can get the PR out of promise ring, she said yes.

Got it.

So yeah, so she said yes to the proposal that I didn't do.

My producer said that you talk about proxy parenting. What does that mean?

So while I'm at work, my phone's blowing up. This is what this kid did, this is what this kid did. Oh, we gotta correct this. And then next thing you know, I'm getting phone calls from the kids. You know, Shay did this, this is what Shay did. All I did was do this. And so while I'm at work, I'm solving problems at home. So when I get home, it just feels like, do I even wanna walk through this door right now?

And how has that affected you as a father?

Oh, as a father, the mental drain of trying to balance a job, the emotional, like I've grown detached. And one of the hardest things and the best analogy is like I'm sitting between the kids and my wife and just getting pulled apart. It gets to that point now as a dad, as a husband, and as a man, do I have to sacrifice a limb to be happy? And then what limb do I sacrifice?

Is it affecting your intimacy?

Absolutely.

In what way?

I would just sit there and say just we're mostly frustrated at each other. Sometimes before I bought a couch, I laid on it just to make sure it was comfortable because sometimes I just wanna sleep on the couch.

That's heartbreaking to me when you hear, because kids are supposed to bring a family together. They're supposed to unite you, make you feel like you're good. So to hear you say that like the relationship with the kids, which is bleeding into other parts of your relationship with your wife, is causing you to wanna sleep on the couch. That's heartbreaking for me. So listen everyone, we're gonna meet Jon's wife Shay to get her side of the story. So please everyone help me welcome Shay to the show. Hi Shay, how are you doing?

Hi, I'm good. How are you?

Good to meet you. Please take a seat because Shay, I wanna hear your point of view on all of this. What do you think is the problem?

I think it's a lack of respect.

Okay.

Honestly. You know, I get that the kids are only there for a weekend, so I understand his point of view is he kind of doesn't want to be dad. You know, he doesn't always wanna be on and having to discipline.

Yeah.

So I get that perspective, but from my perspective, these kids are coming into my household and they have zero respect.

Mm.

So tell me about some of the things you've dealt with being a natural parent, like in that sense.

So I've disconnected because I don't want to be a part of the chaos.

Got it.

In a way.

Yeah. Do you feel alone in parenting sometimes?

I do. I do feel—

Have you ever told him that?

I don't think so.

Tell him right now that you feel alone in parenting.

I do feel alone in parenting. I can't say certain things to them that you can. Because they are biologically yours.

John, do you think that your wife loses her temper sometimes?

I think that's when you keyed on to the respect thing. She does respect the kids, but then sometimes I think when she does kind of just loses her temper, it gets to that emotional state. You know, when some of the kids are just constantly doing this, she doesn't know how to kind of like take a deep breath and bring it down. And I think that's where the kids stopped respecting her.

What is the difference in your parenting styles?

So I'm, I guess I'm very strict.

And for him, he's more?

He's from Vegas. He's from the party town, you know? You know?

So why do you call Jon when he's at work about what's happening at home?

Oh, I don't call, I text. I will blow up his phone and text him and I'll be like, you will not believe like what this kid did. And it, you know, and—

Then the phone call comes from the kid.

Like I said, my hands are tied in disciplining aspects. I don't discipline them, but if I feel that it's necessary to take the Xbox away, for instance.

I know that you say that he treats the kids differently. How are the ways does he treat the kids differently?

I think it's more or less the discipline. Sometimes I feel like he goes a little harder on our 8-year-old like one of our 24/7 kids, I feel like sometimes he goes a little bit harder on him than he would on the other two for doing the exact same thing.

So how does the atmosphere change when all the kids are together?

Oh, I feel like there's a looming cloud that comes like into the household because—

Her demeanor instantly changes.

It does, it really does.

It's like automatically putting a wall up and I'm gonna blow up on these kids because something I know is gonna happen that I don't like.

She's told you clearly that she feels lonely in parenting. So her reaction is a clear explanation to you that I'm feeling lonely and this is making me sad. So your response is to tell her, well, cheer up. That's not what you would say to somebody who is feeling lonely or down. So I just wanna put that perspective in your mind right now so You can understand why when all the kids come, the atmosphere changes. It's because she feels lonely and she needs you to support her. Besides parenting, what else do you struggle with?

I just struggle with disconnecting and like what my role is. For example, I've been told by the children that they don't have to listen to me. You know? I mean, that was—

Who told them that, you?

No.

Okay.

No, it was not him.

Other adults that have influence on the kids?

Other adults that had influence on the kids, yes.

John, what happened on your birthday?

Oof. So on the birthday, it kind of was like a big smack in the face and kind of a boil because it, I love the gift she got me and I love everything she did, but at the same time there was no personal connection.

So the gift wasn't what you wanted or didn't have the feeling? Feeling you wanted.

It was like a month buildup of me constantly saying, hey, here's what I would like. Here's the website. Here's what it looks like. And then all of a sudden, like, here comes my birthday and it's like, okay, thank you.

I wanna know, before you all got together, did you discuss how to blend your families?

We did not.

We did not.

It was just kind of putting rocks in a blender and just hope for the best. Just try to make a smoothie.

Yeah.

We have great moments. We really do. But for the most part, It has not been working out recently.

Yeah, listen, unfortunately, I feel so sad to say this to you 'cause you're such a nice guy, you're the problem. You're the problem. Did you know that?

I thought, I mean, no.

Yeah, yeah, you're the problem. And it's okay because you can fix this behavior. The thing is, is that blending families is hard regardless. You know what I mean? Like having a kid on your own is hard, but when you have other kids in there, But what's happening is you have guilt because your children aren't around all the time. And so when you get your other kids that come one weekend, you don't wanna make them seem like I'm bad guy. You wanna let them know like, even though I'm not with you all the time, I'm dad, I'm fun, I love you, love me back. So you're parenting the other kids outta guilt and you're parenting these other kids outta sort of this sternness because they're in the house, which is unfair. Because what's gonna happen is that you don't want your kids to grow up and start resenting you. Do you want your kids to grow up and resent you?

No.

I'm not into gender roles, but in this moment, you gotta step up and man up. And this is the real. You can't have disconnect between you two because all you're doing is teaching the kids that they can be disconnected from her, that they can disrespect her. When the kids call, you gotta say, no, no, no, no. What did mom say? You said, "Me and mom are on the same page. Mom said this, this is it." And she doesn't deserve this. She wasn't a part of your past relationship. She made a commitment to be with you and to raise your other children, and you have to support her. And so you get to walk in the house and say, "No, no, no, no, not today." You don't do that. Your mother told you something, you respect her. How does it make you feel to hear someone to say, "You're not crazy"?

It feels good because, you know, trying to tell him, I was like, "This isn't right." Yeah. You know, because it's not just him that the kids pit me up against, it's the other man.

Which is gonna be the third thing I was gonna get to. When again, I said not about gender roles, but if someone is telling your children to not respect your current wife, that is your job to shut that down. That is your job to do that. You get it? And I'm gonna ask you right now, why are you not doing that? Guilt?

I would, I have no words.

Fear? What are you afraid of?

Because of the issues we've had with her and the kids and some of the major explosions that have happened, I guess it's the fear of something going wrong and the kids using it against me and losing them for good because—

That's guilt, that's guilt. It is, and what it is is, But listen, what you gotta do is you gotta actually embrace that.

Yeah.

And you have to hold tight to the fact that you're actually a good parent and you have a great co-parent with you right now. Y'all are in this boat together, co-parenting it together.

So sometimes I feel though that the co-pilot isn't co-piloting 'cause she does disconnect.

Well, the reason she's been disconnecting is because You've already set the pattern. This didn't happen just the first day. You would've said from day one, she didn't like my kids, things weren't going. This is built up. And so now you're like, well, now I can't trust you because now you've done this. But the thing was is that she's already showed you you could trust her with co-parenting because she's putting up. The fact that she's disconnected now, I don't blame the girl. I did the same thing. I do not blame you. I'm gonna let you know, I'd have been right there like, okay, deal with your own children. I'm not dealing with this. So I get it. But every time you walk in the house, this is what you have to say to yourself. I don't feel guilty about my past because I'm making better decisions today. And because I'm making better decisions today, I don't have to be fearful of tomorrow. Okay? I'm gonna write that down for you.

I appreciate that.

And you're gonna repeat that to yourself so that way you can show up and be the best father you can be, but also be the best partner that she deserves. Okay? And I promise you, if you recite that mantra and you do what I'm saying, Trust me, you're not gonna wanna sleep on the couch. You're gonna have harmony in your kids, you're gonna have harmony with your wife, you're gonna be in here and you're gonna be like, "What was I worried about?" The only thing gonna be rocking is that bed, okay? It's not gonna be, it's not gonna be any more boats you worried about. You trust me?

Yes, sir.

I got you, man. Yes, sir. Y'all gonna be all right. Hold on, where you going? I'll tell you where you're going. Right here to subscribe and right here To watch more, period.