How Can I Step Up As A Bonus Parent? | Co-Parenting Unlocked Ep 12 | KARAMO

Hey, everyone. Welcome to Co-Parenting Unlocked. I'm your host, Karamo. I'm here with the beautiful and the fabulous Stephanie Brooks, who is my baby mama.

I am.

Today we're going to be talking about blended families. We have a blended family.

Yes, we do. A beautiful blended family.

Yes. We have our child biological together.

Yes.

We also have our second child that is yours biologically, not mine.

Yes, we do.

You have your other children who I know and I adore.

Yes, and they love you too.

Yes. We got my mama. Okay, we got— Girl, this family is blended all together, girl. Okay?

It is, yeah.

Okay. Sometimes it tastes good and sometimes it don't.

Sometimes the flavor a little off, but mostly, yeah, the sauce is good.

Yeah, we try it. Yeah. Well, listen, you know on my show that we deal with a lot of these blended families, and there was this dramatic episode where this mother and father could not get past their past hurt, and you could see how it was affecting their children. Take a look at this. You told my producers that you feel like Mo's the reason that you have a hard time spending time with your daughters. What do you mean by that?

I've contacted several years. The summer's coming up, can I get my kids from the summer? Spring break, oh, I'll see. I mean, when me and my wife first got together, the conversation from her was, oh, I don't trust my kids around no female that I don't know. Not a problem, I'll put y'all on the phone. They had conversation, everything was okay and said yes until I got on the phone and apologized to her. I let my kids go stay there with him and they came back smelling like smoke. Before me and my current wife got together, I was having an issue living in the same state seeing my children.

I have one parent and that's it. There's nothing else. No one else I can like turn to. And I have like no father figure, so it's just empty.

And that's what I'm saying about this whole thing is that he doesn't get, is that he's trying to say I try to keep him, that part I don't get. I truly understand how my kids feel and I understand all of that. If you knew that, then why would you be there? When I was a kid, Kids got to see both parents, whether they live together or not. And that is my only thing. We have our issues, we don't live together. Why can't I still see my kids regardless of where I lay my head? That should not matter when I want to be a part of their lives. Why are we not together, Renee? What does that have to do with them? Understand why, because you made a promise you wanted to be in these kids' lives. We are not together because I cheated, you cheated. So what? The relationship now is about them. And they should be allowed to be a part of their parents' home. But you wanted to be with them.

Don't be fooled by his point of view, girl.

He's just faking.

You moved on with a relationship, so the kids are allowed to be a part of that. I moved on with a wife. My wife is a part of my life, so being a part of—

Come here, baby.

Yeah, let them have— yeah. Wow.

Yeah, girl, you know I'd take them kids off that stage. My thing is because of how our childhood is and the way what I did for work, I will always protect children.

Yeah.

This is my only goal. And I'm just thinking to myself, like, if y'all want to sit on the stage and argue, Yeah. Ain't no point of the kids being a part of this.

Right. They don't have to witness what is.

Because now you dig it below the belt. Talk about it in front of the kids. You cheated. I cheated.

Now you put the kids in it.

Because now what you're hoping is the kids' opinion of their mother is going to change.

Right.

That was an intentional dig because you feel like you're the bad guy, so you're going to say something to make her the bad one.

Right.

And I hate that type of stuff.

I think it's childish. It sucks because who's being hurt is exactly right. The kids.

The kids.

Yeah. Their relationship was over. It seems like people have a hard time getting over the relationship being done.

I think sometimes people get stuck in narratives in their head.

Right.

Of what it is, and they don't know how to move on from that narrative. Because this man right here is telling himself that I've tried everything, I've done everything. And then when the child came back out, the child made it clear, no, you have not tried everything. Because I asked you to come to my graduation, and you asked me to send you bus money.

What I wanted my daughter to do was give her father a ride because he doesn't have a license.

So you needed me to still— you didn't step up and do what you needed to do. It's not about her. And so anyway, but I think sometimes in blended families, the thing, the part about this that always gets me is that when he talks about the— the wife and the things. Again, she said, I sent my kids around you and your new woman, and they came back smoking like smoke.

Right. So I can't trust— yeah, what you do.

I can't trust you. So what you said at the beginning, trust. Yeah. We trusted who we're going to bring around. That was your main point. And that was the most— that was the most important point to make. Yeah. Because I can trust who you bring around.

Yeah.

You can trust who I bring around. Yeah. She gave you a chance, and she couldn't trust. Yeah. Because when your kids came back, they smelt like smoke.

Smoke, right. And on top of that, your daughter is sitting there saying that you don't put in much effort. So, yeah.

Exactly. And so I think that we also have to make sure that when we have blended families, that we're looking at our own actions, looking at what we're bringing our children into, looking at what's going on, and being real with yourself.

You want to know, that's what was making me think about Karamo, is that sometimes a trusted mediator, friend, family member, somebody else that can kind of help navigate conversations—

Yes, call the Karamo Show, girl.

Don't be mad about it, girl. Girl, it's called the Karamo Show, girl.

That's what we do. You come here. It's called the Karamo Show, girl. I am that trusted third party, girl.

He wouldn't shut up, so you could tell him though. You did end up telling him though.

You know I got to the man.

I ain't got his ass.

Girl, you know I got to the man, girl.

You were stuck in a narrative of like, I needed somebody else. You need to figure it out. There's other choices you can make. I'm just telling you, there is.

I hear you saying it.

I'm listening. You know I got that. How do you think we've been able to maintain such a healthy blended family?

A whole lot of respect, number one. You're my friend, so I'm always, like, wanting the best for you. I'm grateful. And I also trust you. Like, that comes with a huge level of trust. When you bring or introduce somebody, I can trust that you, with the interest of making sure our family is great and, you know, the dynamic continues to be good, are not going to bring anybody around who is not with us on the same note.

I mean, that is the thing. We've all been on the same page, and I can trust it. You know what I mean?

Again, it's just celebrating our differences. Is like we don't all, you know, we don't all have to have the same walk and all of the same journey. It's going to be different. But the thing that's beautiful about it is that we're here to support each other in it. So yeah, as long as you're happy and you're good, I'm good.

We got a fan question from Jonathan in Phoenix. And he says, hi, Karamo and Stephanie. I love your relationship. I'm reaching out because I married a great woman a year ago. And she has 3 daughters who she has primary custody of. I have a son who's splits time between me and my ex. The question is, my wife's daughters aren't very well behaved, but my wife does not discipline them. Oh, that's—

At all.

She's a loving mother, compassionate. She listens, but there's no consequences to their bad behavior. I want to step in and say something sometimes, but especially as a man, and I'm not the dad, I feel like I can't. What should I do?

Oh my God.

You got to sit down. You got to have a conversation with her. Yeah. The father of those children immediately. And y'all need to figure out together what you all feel comfortable with you saying. Because again, y'all need to be on the same page as parents. Y'all got to sit down. Don't just say something and then it become an argument, or he find out, she find out. Y'all sit down together immediately and talk about what it is. Express. Say, I want to be here to support your daughters. I want to make sure they know that I love them. And sometimes in love, it comes structure. And I want to make sure that I can support that structure. And I want to know what do y'all feel comfortable with me saying and doing. Once y'all get that boundary, then you and your wife sit down with those girls and say, hey, girls, mom, dad, and myself have talked. And we have decided that I'm going to step in and be in the structure. Because now what's happening is that kids understand everybody's on the same page. Yes. I'm telling you, the way you succeed at parenting and co-parenting is letting the kids know everybody's on the same page. When kids know everybody's on the same page, they can't do nothing.

Don't even try it.

They don't even try it. Don't even try it. Realize. Well, you knew your mom and dad was on the same page. You was like, I can't do it. But when you knew one wasn't and the other one, you knew which one to go talk to, which one to get in the—

yeah.

So you get on the same page, and then you sit down in front of those girls, let them know on the same page. Because as their stepdad, you deserve to help in the structuring of their lives.

That's right.

It is important, it's imperative that they see you as someone who can help in the structuring of their lives.

That's right.

And see, I'm using intentionally the word structure and not discipline.

Right.

Because your job is to help them to understand how they can step and move forward to be better. And sometimes as co-parents or as a bonus parent, disciplining them doesn't always work because they're going to see that as like, I don't like you now. But I'm going to help you structure this so you know that this structure is going to get you to love the next one.

First of all, how he said that his wife doesn't do any disciplining or structuring, that just won't work. I mean, between the two of them, I can imagine that he's incredibly frustrated. Having his own child and that not being the case. So it's probably like torture, him watching that situation, especially because he's thinking, I need to protect my wife on top of that. Like, we here, we're going to raise— we want to raise our children, make sure that they are raised enough and they're raised well. But also, I got a wife, and my wife can't be ran over. 3 little girls will turn into 3 teenagers one day, and 3 teenage girls— Girl, run over?

What?

And also, let me tell you, some kids pick up on each other's behavior. So you bring your son over there on the halftime, you got him, and then he watches those girls disrespect y'all and do nothing. Watch, he gonna be in that behavior.

He gonna get what it's due.

And you cannot have that. So trust and believe, this is important for you to sit down and get on the same page with everyone. And again, use the term structure as your tool, as your guide of having that conversation. You don't need to discipline them. You want to help make sure that the structure is in place.

I love that.

Yeah. Girl, let me tell you something.

Structure them up.

Okay, structure them up.

You better get them structured.

Structure them up, girl. Do some structure sizes.

Okay, structure sizes.

You go do it.

Up next, we're gonna take a look at a clip of a couple trying to make their big, beautiful blended family work for the kids' sake.

Okay.

At 20 years old, you took in her children and became a great father. She says you're a great father. That had to have been tough on you.

It was tough. See, my father wasn't around when I was a kid, so I just didn't want her kids to take or go through what I went through as a kid with my father not being there. So it was, I seen her situation, I just wanted to step up and just take that responsibility.

And even though you brought up your father, it's really your mother that you're actually mimicking here. Because if your mother— if you said your father wasn't around, that mean your mother had to been alone and struggling.

Yes.

Oh, Karamo. Yes.

You know, I be out of there. I be on there, you know. And so because you couldn't save your mom, you're hoping to save her?

Yes.

Ooh, get it out me like, girl, that training work, girl. That training be working, girl.

Oh, Nick.

Do you not love me no more or something?

Yeah, I do love you.

Are we going to be together or—

I do want to work things out.

Like you just said, it's just the kids though. So what about the emotions and the feelings we have for each other? I know I love you and I don't want to lose you.

Well, I do love you.

No, not if that's the reason. And that's the only reason.

It feels some type of way between our relationship. Like the spark's not there like it used to be when we first got together.

Oh, ouch.

How old are you now?

24.

Oh, young.

Do you feel like there's more out there to the life that you wanna live that you can't live?

No, I'm happy where I'm at. I just want more freedom.

That means you want more.

No, yeah.

You don't say no, you say I want more freedom.

Yeah.

So I can, you know what I'm saying? Experience things being young with my friends and family and stuff. And then her not trying to hold me back from that situation.

So you actually said what I said, but you only put up. Right. But then, which is basically an excuse, 'cause I just said, is there something else out there that you wanna live? And you're like, No, I'm happy, but I actually want to go out here and I want to be with my friends and I want to do stuff.

I'm happy with our relationship.

Which, by the way, is okay.

Right, it's okay.

Okay?

It is okay.

It is okay. Listen, what I love about these young couples, and there are some good guys out there that do want to step up in situations where there's blended families and they want to make sure that things are okay. They want to make sure they step up. And like in this case, this young man had a mother that he couldn't save, and so he's going to try to save every other woman he can.

Save every woman he can.

He's too young to be doing that.

Yeah.

He's too young. And so he's getting overwhelmed and he's burning himself out. And the problem with situations like this in blended families, where somebody's coming in, they're taking care of your kids, is that if they're not ready, they're eventually going to burn out and it's going to affect the kids anyway. Exactly. Because then they're going to end up saying, I can't handle this anymore, and disappearing.

Yeah.

And so I always try to encourage people, like, make sure you understand when you come into a blended family, you have to be emotionally, mentally ready for everything it takes and understand that it is a long-term commitment. It is, yeah. Because you can't come into a child's life and then think that 5 years later, I'm out.

I'm gone, yeah.

Because if you do that, then you're scarring the child intentionally. And that's the hard part.

Do you have a big, beautiful blended family like ours? Let us know how you made it work in the comments. And thank you so much for watching "Co-Parenting Unlocked."