How Do I Deal With The Fear Of Vulnerability?! | KARAMO

All right, everybody, it is time for Q and K with my audience. So anybody got some questions for me? Hey, love, what is your name?

Hello, I am Tamia.

Hi, Tamia, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

What is your question?

Yes, so my question is, I am currently 29 years old and I am seeing a theme and I'm starting to wonder, how can I stop attracting projects? I feel like in my past relationships, I've gotten, even after, it would be tumultuous, but then after, I would get a whole grand apology. You know, you were the stable one, you were the good one, you were a good woman, you were so peaceful, more women should be like you. It's just, I get that. Or if I don't want to accept their apology, just even last week, I got, your confidence is fake. I don't understand why do I keep attracting projects and why they feel inferior.

So when you say projects, what do you mean?

Like projects as in their self-esteem is like really low.

I always have to— So you spend the relationship fixing them?

Basically, like I have to boost their self-esteem. I speak life into 'em. I give them ideas and things like that.

Well, I'll tell you right now, immediately without knowing too much, my assessment would be this is based on how you learn what love is. So at some point in your life you were taught That if I desire, if I want love, I have to show somebody else that I'm gonna be there for them. I'm gonna give them something. I'm gonna show up for them. And so I don't know who that was in your life. Was it a mother or a father that you had to do that with?

I think it would probably be my dad. We had a pretty like tumultuous relationship.

And so when you would want love from him, you had to show him like, look, I'm here, I'm doing stuff.

Like my grades were good in school and things like that. And when I finally became an adult or whatever, we had an argument and He tried to tell me, oh, well, your grades were bad, you were failing. And I was like, wait, but I was on the merit roll and I graduated on time. And it's like, oh, but it wasn't the honor roll though. Like, it would be like things like that.

So there's just a mirror of the relationship. So what you're doing is you're imitating the relationship you have with your father in various ways, hoping that if you fix these men, you can fix that relationship. So spend some time in your mind and fix that relationship with your father. And then, You'll find yourself not feeling like I need to breathe life into a man. Instead, you'll find that this man will already have life in him, and now he will complement the life in you, and you'll grow together as equals and as wholes. What adults don't realize is the way we love is usually based on some type of trauma or the way that we learned that love— we deserve love, the way we get love. And then either if we've healed that as we've got older. So, when you see somebody who's staying over and over again, it's because There was probably some point in their life that they were abandoned and they feel like, if I leave, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be abandoned again. So they grow up and they learn, let me just keep staying. And similar to you, you had to do these things to get your father's attention. And now you get these men that you're allowing to do the same thing. So heal that part and don't get into another relationship with a man until you do.

Thank you.

Seriously, seriously. Yeah.

Hey, how you doing, beautiful?

Hi, how are you?

I'm good. What is your name?

My name is Irina.

Nice to meet you, Irina. What's your question?

So my question today is, how do you deal with the fear of vulnerability when it comes to like experiencing new love? As someone who's been like hurt in the past, I feel like it's been hard for me to like open up as like I put some guards up and I haven't been in a relationship in 2 years and I wanna I wanna get back into like having fun with it. I don't wanna take it too seriously and like, I don't wanna overthink it and I wanna know how I can make it feel more easy.

Good. Well, I'll tell you, the first thing is, I tell people this all the time. When I hear people say they have their guards up, I give them this analogy of thinking about like, if you cut your leg and you had a scar, when the scar is first healing, you gotta put a bandage over there so nothing gets in there. That's that guard you have up. And so some people get outta relationships and they have that bandaid on and they're like, oh, okay. And then for some reason they mentally think they took it off, but it's not off.

Hmm.

So your heal— your wound hasn't healed yet. And how I know that is because the guard's up, which means before you can even talk about how do I have fun with relationships, you gotta go back and start to heal from the relationship that hurt you. And so even though you think you've done the work, you've moved on, you haven't. Because once you are fully healed from that, you're not gonna stress and worry about somebody else doing something to you or breaking your trust or hurting you because you're gonna trust that like, oh, my picker's better. I know how to handle it. I know that I'm gonna be able to communicate better. But right now you don't trust those things.

Mm-hmm.

And that's because the guard's up, the gauze is still on, you haven't healed. So my advice to go to you is to go back to that relationship in a little journal, your notes in your phone, and write down, what am I still pissed about?

Okay.

What am I still sad about? And write 'em out. And if you don't gotta do it all in one night, take it day by day. And you can say, you know what? I actually am still pissed that I even allowed myself to do this. I'm still pissed that he did that or she did that or this happened or this. And then one by one, find yourself doing the work to heal. And I promise you, if you do that exercise, within 3 to 4 months, you actually have done the work to heal the wound. The gauze will be on and then you're gonna be having fun dating again.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Oh, I love talking to my little cousins in the audience. Y'all, I love y'all. Hey everybody, it is time for Q and K with my audience. Actually, I call my audience my cousins. How y'all doing, cousins? Any of y'all got a question for me? How you doing? What's your name? I'm good. How are you?

Parker.

Hey Parker, I like your fit. Thank you. You want me to spin? Okay. Yeah, I appreciate it.

It's dope. Thank you.

Thank you. Question for you.

Sure.

Do you honestly believe that as a person that does not want children, that you're still soulmate has children? Do you believe that dynamic can work? So, this soulmate thing is a funny concept 'cause I go back and forth on this. I think that we have deep spiritual connections with a lot of people depending on the phase we're at in our life. And I believe those deep spiritual connections are there to show us something that we need to help us grow to that next level. And I think sometimes we get consumed because maybe one spiritual connection at one point of our lives was so special that we were like, that had to have been it. But clearly it wasn't because you wouldn't be together.

Right.

So what I would say to you is the spiritual connection you're having with this person, what is it supposed to be teaching you right now? Versus looking at it as, are we supposed to stay together if we want 2 different things? Versus saying to yourself, what is our deciding that we want 2 different things supposed to tell me about me? Is this supposed to say that, am I supposed to challenge why I feel this way? Am I supposed to help you grow, the other person grow? There's something in this moment of you having a disagreement about this that's supposed to help you all be better so that as you go on this journey we call life, you can evolve to be your best self. That's the way I feel about soulmates and what their purpose is in our lives at each moment in our life. So can it work out? The answer is no, because you don't want kids. And the thing is, is parenting is a real, you have to be committed to it.

Right.

And we see what happens when people have parents who are not committed to wanting to be a parent. The child feels abandoned, they feel lost, they feel left alone, they feel sad, they feel confused, they feel hurt, they end up on this stage. So—

Yes, right.

So if you know you don't want kids and this person does, that means that there's something else that your spirits are supposed to learn from each other, you're supposed to enjoy with each other, but clearly it's not for the long term. Because the long term is that person want kids and you don't.

Sure, yeah.

So look at it more as what are we supposed to learn from each other?

Right, right.

Because when I look back at all the people I called soulmates, I'm like, each of them taught me something so that I could be here today and be the best version of myself. Amen.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

So listen everyone, make sure to come back. As I tell y'all, you bring the Qs and I'll keep bringing the K.