How to Work Together When You Parent VERY Differently | Co-Parenting Unlocked: Ep 4 | KARAMO

us being on united front is to always know the priority was the kids. And I think that co-parents sometimes forget who the priority is. Yeah, their ego becomes a priority.

Yeah, come on now. Yeah.

Hey everyone, I'm your friend Karamo. Welcome to Co-Parenting Unlocked. I am here with my son's mother, Stephanie. In co-parenting, I'm the more structured one. So if I'm the more structured one, what that make you?

Uh, a little less.

A little less what?

A little less structured.

Okay. Now let's be be real in our relationship, I'm the more structured one.

Yes, you are.

And you're not that structured.

No. Well, I'm getting there. I mean, I'm getting there.

But is this not a deficit or something? Because I think in co-parenting, I think you need both.

Yeah.

If our sons would have had both of us being structured, they would have probably rebelled more.

Yes, I'm sure.

Yeah.

I'm sure they would have. I would say this, Karamo, you know that I don't want to use the word depend, but I depend on you. I used it. I said it. There I did. And yeah, I'mma say two reasons why. First, because of how far our relationship, our friendship goes back. I know you know me real well. I know you don't judge me. I know you've seen every face that I can have, make, and do. And you've always met me with love. So keeping it 1,000 and keeping it real with ourselves, the structure part, I do lean on you sometimes for that. And I think, again, it just benefits our kids because the balance is going to go back to them.

Yeah.

And the love and support is there between us.

I knew that already. But it used to get on my nerves.

I did? Tell me what I did.

Because I knew that you depended on me to be the more structured parent. It used to piss me off.

Why would that piss you off?

Because I would watch you having fun with the kids. Like, they called you, and it was a kiki on the phone. It was a good time. And then they would walk in the room, and I'd be like, see, now you spent an hour on your phone. Now you don't have time to go do whatever you want to do because now you need to get to work. Because there's no way you're not going to go to school tomorrow without your homework being done, blah, blah, blah. And so it pissed me off because I was like, she gets to get all the good time, and I get to have— all the, like, you know what I mean? And so for a long time, I resented that.

Karamo, I never knew that.

I did.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

Because I wasn't going to add extra stress, you know what I mean? Like, I always felt like if I add extra stress to my son's mother, that's adding extra stress to my kid's life.

Yeah, but then here's where I am with it. You was never adding extra stress. Again, I'mma keep saying it forever because that's what it is. I always had this vulnerability with you, Karamo, that I don't have with other people. And it's coming probably from us knowing each other so long and dealing with each other. But I never wanted to make you feel that way. I just kind of saw strength in you, and I leaned on that.

Yeah.

But I didn't know that it was a lot for you, though.

Well, I mean, I appreciate it now. But I think one of the things that when people should realize that I think what could have helped us is because we was young.

Yeah.

And didn't know no better is how to communicate that. Yeah. You know what I mean?

A lot.

And also, like, the fact of the matter is that I felt guilty. There was also a guilt there of not having— not putting stress on you because, like, I wasn't the active parent. I wasn't there for 10 years. So when you have that, I think sometimes people don't express the guilt. Like, if a parent has not been what the other parent has, then you're going to say to yourself, like, well, damn, like, I ain't really got to— I ain't got to— I can't say nothing. And sometimes either you— you either go two ways. You either will fall deep in and try to do what I did, which is like, let me just kind of always fill in the gaps. Yeah. Or I'm going to retreat because I don't know how to deal with this feeling. You want to meet?

Wow. I never knew that. And I apologize for that. I apologize if I made you feel so— in my healing, it was like— it took a long time. I know, but I want to give it to you anyway. Take it. Take it. Because I love you. I just want you to know that in my healing, I didn't realize a lot of that stuff, Karamo. Like, I didn't even— like, it was going right over my head. I kind of was in survival mode, like I told you. So resources abound, which included friends and family, which were scars, you were always solid and you was always there. So I didn't realize that I was putting more on you.

But, but I would say this, I appreciate now as an adult, because like I told you, when we were kids, you were the one that told me to like loosen up. Yeah. And so I think sometimes in co-parenting relationships, there has to be a new communication about like, hey, let's talk about these roles and how they're going to benefit each of us and how they might be hurting us. Because I don't think men and women know how to do that when there's also been tension If there's been a tension of us breaking, their relationship always comes first instead of saying, like, how can we use your strengths, my strengths to make sure that we're better for the kids?

Yes. Look how you just said it, like, perfect. Like, it wasn't even there to me to even think that far.

Me either.

But then, like, how did we know?

Yeah. Because if we would have sat there and talked to them, I'd have been like, yo, there's too much pressure on me right now because I'm being more structured. Yeah. And then you— it doesn't mean you would have to change in the moment, but at least we would have had a conversation. Yeah. And could have figured it out. Figured out how to talk about things through that.

Exactly.

Because there was no malintent on your point.

No, it wasn't. But still, even now—

that's what I was saying. You didn't need to apologize. I receive it, but you didn't need to apologize because you ain't do nothing wrong.

Well, I ain't do nothing wrong, but I'm just saying that I apologize I didn't hear you in that moment.

Like, I didn't say it for you to hear it.

I wish I would have observed it though. But I, but I don't want that pressure to be on you like that, the same as I don't want the pressure to be on me that way.

So for me, You know, I told you how me being structured and you not being as structured made me feel. How did it make you feel on the opposite end? That get on your nerves sometimes?

It didn't get on my nerves at all.

Uh-huh.

But it did have the kids— in my opinion, the kids looked at me to be the more fun parent. So I just felt like that was what I needed to do, like, be more fun, more relaxed, because Dad is super structured and it's a schedule. It's going to be strict. I would always be on the back end because we are united front. I would always be like, listen to what your dad say. If your daddy told you to do that, do it, because he knows what he's talking about. He's forward thinking. He is a visionary. Listen to your dad.

I'm going to tell y'all something right now. That's been the key of our co-parenting, is we've been a united front.

Straight up.

Even when she get on my nerves, I get on her nerves.

Straight up.

Literally, when the— coming from them kids, we was always same message.

On it.

Same message.

On it.

And I don't know how organically, because neither of us had that model.

Yeah.

Neither of us had that model.

No.

I don't know how, but like, literally, I can get off the phone. And y'all know Trey, my best friend Trey. I get on the phone, I'd be like, you know, Stephanie's got my nerves right there. And I know I got on y'all nerves on stupid stuff as well. You know what I mean? These are not big issues. We didn't have fights. But like, we just human beings.

Yeah, right.

And then when it was like, hey, it comes to this with the kids, boom. Boom. I mean, like—

It never— we never detoured from that. It was never— I don't even think the boys ever called me and— It's been a few times that they called me and was upset with you.

Of course.

Of course.

Yeah.

Again, at the end of it, I was there to like, OK, I'm going to lighten it up and give you all this. If y'all want to call it overnurtured, whatever. I'm a love bug. I specialize in that. And so I would just be giving them good words and softness. But I always said, listen, whatever your father is asking you to do, he's doing that from love. He has a plan. He has a vision.

And the same thing with them. When they would call and be like, Mama said this. And I'd be like, well, this is what your mother said, then this is what needs to be done. And I think that allowed— even though I was structured and you were less structured, I think what that allowed, us being on a united front, is to always know the priority was the kids. And I think that co-parents sometimes forget who the priority is.

Yeah.

Their ego becomes a priority.

Yeah. Come on now. Yeah.

Your ego can't be the priority. Your feelings about how you think I'm not right or you wrong can't be the priority. The kids are priority. And I think that's what always helped us while we sitting here today.

Hello.

And why we had this great relationship is because it was like, No matter if we do things different, what we will always do the same is make sure we keep those kids number one.

That's right. That's right. The interests of our children being happy, living out their dreams, and being successful in life was never had to be a question or something that we need to discuss with other siblings.

What advice do you have for a woman out there or a man out there who has a different parenting style than their co-parent? What advice would you give for them to, like, have the conversation go on?

I would encourage you, first of all, to find the strengths. You know, like, we want to remove the emotion. Like, okay, rather you're, uh, we're co-parenting, so we're not together in a relationship anymore, but you want to remove any negative emotion that came from your relationship. This is no more about your relationship and how you guys are going to continue in a romantic sense. This is now about raising our kids, still in love, and finding our strengths. So I would challenge a person who has a more structured co-parent to get into it, like, get into it. If you feel like it's a clear difference of you being way too lenient, then it's probably things that you can learn from that more structured parent when it comes to the communication. What about the one that—

if you're the structured parent and the other one's lenient, what do you got to say to them?

Well, again, I would hope that you got a good enough relationship that you can talk to them straight up and just be like, hey, this is a problem. This is what's going on. I need you to get in with me. On the same program so that we can, you know, like how, how we help the kids. Let me get a drink. Sorry.

Okay, great.

Help the kids. Sorry.

Yeah, no, I'm with you, girl.

Yeah, but that's what I'm trying to say.

Yeah. Well, listen, everybody, I, I think one of the things you can learn from Stephanie and I is definitely making sure that you keep that united front no matter if your parenting styles are different. It has to be about the kids. Get rid of the ego. Get rid of the feelings that you have for each other in those moments, because at the end of the day, those things will bleed into how the kid sees you two, but it will also bleed into how they see themselves. And that's the whole thing that will really screw them up. And so I do appreciate that about you.

That's so beautiful the way you put that.

Thank you, girl. Girl, you should give me a talk show, girl, because you know how to put words together.

I guess you have a way with words or whatever.

I want to know from you, do you think that it's better to have a structured parent, a less structured parent, or you need both? Comment below. On the next Co-Parenting Unlocked. This is a subject that you and I have never talked about. So as you all know, Stephanie and I have one biological son together. His name is Jason. But she also has another son that I helped raise and took custody of named Chris, who I love to death. But there's been a couple of years that people haven't heard me talk about Chris because Chris and I, our relationship is strange.

Yeah.