I Am A Man Who Was Violated & Can't Trust Now | KARAMO

My guest Isaiah met his girlfriend on a Christian dating app. They just moved in together 4 months ago and she's helping him raise his child. He says they give each other the silent treatment and go to bed angry and he needs my help to move his relationship forward. So everyone please welcome Isaiah to the show. Hey Isaiah, how you doing today?

I'm great, how are you?

I like this, give me a hug, man.

I like yours too.

Yeah, I like your outfit, this is nice.

Thank you. He's smooth, right?

I like that. So please tell me, why are you here?

I'm here because me and my girlfriend been having issues.

Okay, so what are some of the things that are the issues?

She's very flirtatious and it bothers me a lot. It really aggravates me.

Yeah, she's flirting with other men in front of you?

Yes, in front of me.

Give me some examples of what happens.

Okay, so we were at GameXchange and there was a guy that was a clerk ringing up everything and she walked away from me. And come to find out the manager was dating the guy and they were together. So she called him to the back saying, "Why are you laughing and giggling and flirting with her?" And because I called prior to that, he called my phone and told me, "You need to check her." And I was already embarrassed. So it went from there and then I brought it up to her. I was quiet to calm down. I brought it up to her. We were talking and I told her how it made me feel and she was just sitting there quiet. And then she apologized to me when we got back to the house.

Got it. So this experience kind of validated your fears of being flirted in front of and being embarrassed.

Yes.

I got it. Do you tell her how you feel?

I do.

And what does she say?

It gets to a point to where I'm tired of explaining myself 'cause I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

Got it. I understand that. So she's flirting with other men. How does this make you feel and how does this bother you?

It bothers me because I mean, if you're gonna flirt in front of me, what would you do behind my back? That's how I feel about that.

So you started living with Marilyn when?

Well, she moved in November of last year.

Okay then, how's it been since you moved in together?

It's been good actually. I mean, we argue every now and again, but.

Is the arguing mostly about her flirting?

Yes, it is.

Okay then. Is she friendly and flirty with you?

We kind of stopped doing that.

But you've been together for 1 year, right?

Yes.

1 year and you've already stopped being flirty with each other?

In the beginning, everything was nice, you know, but after she started doing those things, I backed off. 'Cause I just felt like I just couldn't deal with it no more.

Yeah, got it. Okay, everyone, well, let's hear from Marilyn because I wanna hear her side of this story. So please welcome Marilyn to the show.

What do you mean I be flirting like this, like on some type of regular type deal? I just be friendly. I don't be out there going, oh my God, and messing with my hair like I'm trying to get his attention. My tomboy side kicks out and I talk to him like if he's a homeboy. Where are you getting that from?

You would do that all the time, Marilyn.

No, I do not do that all the time.

Yes, you do.

No, I do not do that all the time. When was the last time I did it besides the one at the GameStop? What was another time before that?

Whenever you were talking on the phone saying, oh, I love him, when he was talking about the boss.

My boss?

Yeah.

Yes, that's me expressing my feelings of how I like people. There's nothing wrong with that. People talk about they boss all the freaking time or anybody.

It's the way you said it. Wow.

Do you feel like he's controlling or imprisoning you?

Yes, I feel like I'm a prisoner.

That's exaggeration.

That's not exaggeration. That is exaggeration. So whenever I need to go to the store, what do I have to do? I have to wait till you come home and then you don't eat all day and then you don't feel like being outside. Then you wanna rush me when we get to the store, then there's traffic, then you wanna hurry up and come back home. I haven't even been— Exaggerate?

Yes, you are.

How is I'm exaggerating?

Sometimes I work 22 hours a day and I'm tired.

And so am I. I'm at home, I'm keeping the house clean, I work from home, I tend to your daughter, I'm also doing laundry, I'm doing everything and also try to remember to make sure that when you come home, you don't have to lift a finger. But I'm exaggerating?

Yes.

But then when I need to go out and go do something, you tell me, "No, why don't you just wait till I get home?" You're not, that's not true. That's not true?

What parts of this is not true? Because she's saying that she's there Is the part of her saying that she's there to support you, that she cleans the house, that she works and she does your daughter, are those things true?

Yeah, those things are true.

So when she says that you, she's saying that you don't want her to leave the house, you're saying that is the part that's not true?

I'm not gonna say it's not entirely true because I don't trust her.

Okay, so you don't trust her?

No, I don't. So you do say to her, "You can't leave the house." No, I don't say, "You can't leave the house." I say, "I'm not comfortable with you leaving the house." I don't say you can't. So what's the difference?

What's the difference?

Okay.

So telling me to wait till you get home and then I don't go, that's still telling me not to leave the house.

Mm-hmm.

And another thing, I don't want her going anywhere with my daughter.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Why don't you trust her?

Because of the flirting.

And that brings me to another situation where I was out with his sister and he was like, a man shouldn't think about if his girlfriend's gonna be out flirting. But if I apologize or if I didn't notice that I did something and you brought it to my attention, what is the world? Yeah, but you can't apologize and keep repeating the same pattern.

You said before, Marilyn, that his lack, He's like this because of his last relationship.

Yes.

Were you cheated on before?

Me? I was.

And so have I. I've been through bad relationships too, but I don't treat him as he is the one who was the one doing the damage. I treat him as such. I talk to him as such. I express things to him as such. I deal with him as such.

How's the intimacy between you two?

There isn't any.

There's no intimacy?

We've been together, living together for a year and we have not had sex at all.

So one year of no intimacy.

One year, no MC.

Why haven't you called it quits?

'Cause I feel like there's hope.

I see the toxicity between you all, but it also here is like it's based in trust issues.

Yes.

Where do your trust issues come from?

My daughter's mom date raped me at a party.

Hold on, so your daughter's mother date raped you?

Yes.

So that means you didn't know about your daughter?

No, I found out when I got some papers in the mail from the OG office telling me to take a paternity test on my birthday.

Okay, so if you don't mind explaining this to me, 'cause I know this is probably shocking for a lot of y'all, because when we hear things about like date rape, it's usually women being raped by men. We often don't get the stories of men being told. So what happened to you? Can you start from the beginning?

Yeah, so I came back from El Paso because I was doing like FEMA disaster relief, helping people on social media. There was a party And I went to the party and she ended up killing my drinks and I woke up in the hospital.

And what happened when you woke up in the hospital?

They told me that I got date raped. I just had, I had an oxygen machine on, my stomach was being pumped and the thing they put on your finger was on me, so.

What confirmed it for you that this happened? It was when you got those results that this was your daughter?

Yes.

Because now you felt this way, you're at the hospital and then you find out later that you have a daughter.

Yes.

That you didn't know about because you can't even remember having sex?

Yes.

Okay, and so what happened when you got that letter in the mail?

I yelled because I said I didn't know what was going on. It was confusing. So on the letter had my daughter's mom and mine's under it and at the top it just said OAG office. So when I read it, they were telling me to do a DNA test and she got the date purposely on my 27th birthday. The kicker is I walk in my house and all my stuff is stolen and gone.

Okay, how old was your daughter when you met her?

2.

So you met her daughter at 2?

Yeah, the mother wouldn't let me see her.

And you now have custody of your daughter?

Yes, and I fought very, very hard. I spent over $20,000 And I got primary custody, so.

I appreciate you sharing this with me. Did you know about this?

He told me a little bit about it, to be honest with you.

Did you know all these details?

Not all. Yeah. 'Cause I'm not a type of pride. I let you tell what you feel comfortable about, so.

Why haven't you opened up to Marilyn about what you've been through?

'Cause we've been going through a lot and it makes me emotional talking about that. Because not seeing your child for so long can do something to you. I had to go to counseling, you know? And I needed help, so I went to go get help.

Yeah.

I couldn't deal with it.

This has been a year now of you still trying to process these emotions and y'all are trying to build a relationship. Is Marilyn your first serious relationship?

Yes.

Got it. Did you know you were his first serious relationship?

No.

You didn't know that either. Talk to your lady, she's right here.

You, I've always told you, you deserve love, peace, and everything I've never gotten and everything you've never gotten. And I've always told you that you are allowed to feel how you feel and I always wanna be a safe haven for you to express how you feel. No matter how you feel, I'm not fighting you, I'm fighting the world with you. And I want you to know that. I don't want you to fall in love with me, I want you to be in love with me.

Isaiah, what do you wanna say to her?

Can you honestly tell me how do I treat you?

You fix my dinner when no man has never done that. You light candles for me to take a bath every night. You play with me, we watch wrestling. You are a great dad that I wish I had. And every day when I have a bad day at work or get cussed out, I think of you laughing, I think of you being happy, I think of when we're at home just playing and clowning around. And it's just me and you. I don't get that from nobody. And that is precious to me. You can't put money on it. You can't give anything to get that.

Isaiah, why don't you open up to her more about these things? 'Cause she just said, here you go, I'll give you, give you like this. She didn't know a lot of the details of what you've been through. Why aren't you willing to open up to her?

I backed off when I told her I was feeling a certain way of things that she was doing. And it was just bottling everything else that happened. And I didn't know how to tell her. And I felt like it was too early in the relationship to tell her. I just wanted to move slower so I don't fall in the traps that my father put my mother through, so.

Got it, okay. So there's even deeper stuff here.

Yes.

You saw this witness in your home of your father Yes. Doing things to your mother.

Yes.

So you're putting up a wall. Did you know he was putting up a wall?

Yes.

You could feel it?

Yep.

Do you love her?

I do actually, I just haven't told her.

Tell her right now.

I do love you, I just, it's hard for me to express that. And then what I was telling her, about the whole flirting thing. It kind of made me just back up a little bit.

[Speaker:KARAMO] I have to be honest with you right now. I could tell you this. I actually don't believe she's flirting. I believe the trauma that you've been through and the experiences you've had is keeping you on high guard, which I fully understand. But it doesn't sound like she's cheating on you. It sounds like she's there at the house and she wants to be there for you. I would suggest that if you really do love her, You gotta start letting her in and you have to stop looking for something that's going to make you think she's doing wrong.

What is it that we can work on?

What is it?

There's nothing you in this moment you need to do. This is him. This is him. 'Cause this is, that's where your experience of the trauma of you having not someone who supported you makes you think that you have to fix it. This is an opportunity where you showed up for him and I've seen it. He needs to show up for you. To show up for you now, 'cause you deserve someone to prove to you they love you as well. You feel that? So can you open up to her?

I can.

Can you look at her right now and just tell her, "I love you"?

I love you.

I love you too.

Give your girl a hug. You've been through a lot. You've been through a lot and you've been through a lot as well. And you found each other in a moment where both of you are trying to grow into something better. But both of you have to do the opposite of what you were doing before. You have to stop people pleasing and you have to start expressing yourself more. This is where you start to understand your value and start to say, okay, you know what? There is a man, 'cause you just kept saying it. There's a woman for you and I'm her and I'm doing this. There's a man for you if he can't do it. Do you wanna be in this relationship?

I do.

Why?

Because I care about her.

She's clearly stepping up and showing you that she wants to be there for you and your daughter. Let her in. You can't project that fear onto her. And if you feel like you're projecting that fear onto her, I'm gonna tell you the best thing you can do is get back to that counseling. But you can't, you don't have the authority to drag her through that. Does that make sense? So what do you think you can do from here on out?

Communicate more.

Yeah, say it to her.

Oh, communicate.

Tell her. You gonna communicate? What else you gonna do?

Patient with me. I'm not perfect. I want, we said, You said we're in a learning status. Learn with me, learn about me just like you want me to learn about you.

How do you feel right now?

Better than I did.

You did before?

I said a lot of stuff that I didn't, don't really tell everybody, so.

Well, I appreciate it. I'm glad that you felt safe enough with me to tell me. I really do. I feel honored by that.

I appreciate it too.

Yeah, I appreciate you. And I'm glad that I could give y'all a little bit of advice to make y'all move forward in a positive direction. But at the same rate, if this pattern continues, and you see 3 months down the line, the wall's still up with him or you're still people pleasing. Because if the wall's still up and you can't communicate, say, you know what, let me end this before you start to trigger yourself and trigger your daughter. And for you, the same thing. If this is not getting better, have the courage to end it, okay? But I actually believe that this is a major first step and I think y'all can conquer the world together. Hold up, hold up. Where are you going? I know you wanna watch more Karamo, so click here to subscribe and click here to watch more so we can keep talking and growing, friends. I love you.