I Lost 140 Pounds, Why Doesn't My Husband Wanna Have Sex With Me? | KARAMO

Okay, so how long have you two been together, you and Dewayne?

I know him since I was 14.

14?

But this go round we've been together for 10 years.

10 years, got it. 10 years together, but known each other since 14?

Yes.

And how was your intimacy when you first started dating?

It was excellent. Doing it in the cars, you know, no filters.

Okay.

Since time went on, so did it.

Oh, so you're saying the intimacy went away?

Yeah.

So you two got, I know you've been together for 10 years. When did you get engaged?

We got engaged 2016, '17. Engaged.

Okay. And did Dewayne cheat on you before you got married?

Yeah, when he went to jail, I found out he cheated on me and had a baby.

Ooh.

So when he came home from jail, a family member sent me a picture of the child. So I called him because he wasn't working yet. He had my vehicle. I said, "I need you to come to my job. It's an emergency." Yes. So he came. I told him to get in the passenger seat. I got in the driver's seat. I said, "Who is this?" He put his head down. I said, "Who is this?" I ain't gonna lie, I punched him in his face.

Ooh.

I did.

Wow.

I did. It was outta anger. I did.

So a lot go down in the car with y'all. And what happened in 2018 when you noticed a change in the way?

2018, I'll say maybe August, September. We had trauma happen to one of my stepdaughters and unfortunately she went to jail. So that hurted him. November 2018, I had double pneumonia, RSV. I died and came back.

Oh my gosh. I'm so glad you're here.

And '21, unfortunately, once again, we had another traumatic issue happen. My stepson committed suicide.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Here you go, love.

Thank you. You're welcome. My husband cleaned up his blood.

So your husband had to be the one to handle that. Okay.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, you're okay. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that. Gives me context.

So once that happened, my husband hasn't been the same. And of course losing a child like that, who would? So then that's when the intimacy really just went away. Got it. I was heavier than, I was 368. So I'm thinking, okay, maybe my weight also have to play a part of why he's not touching me. So last year in May, I ended up getting gastric bypass and lost 140 pounds.

Okay, good.

Okay.

Thank God. Well, you're beautiful then, you're still beautiful now as well.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. So you had the surgery to get yourself You're feeling a little bit better.

Yes.

And the intimacy still is not good.

No. One day while he was at work, I decided to put on this little negligee and he comes in the door and he's like, "What do you got on?" And I'm like, "What do I have on? Okay, well let me change up outta this." Yeah. You know, like. Yeah.

Do you think he's attracted to you?

He did tell me he wasn't sexually attracted to me. He did.

When did he say that?

He said it several times.

And what did he say his reason was?

He says because of my mouth. But I'm a Scorpio. We just don't take no bull crap. That's what it is. We don't take no bull crap. We don't bite our tongue and we speak what's on our mind. We don't think before we speak.

We speak it. And you ain't gotta tell me. That's why they gave me a talk show.

That part.

That part. So I mean, I'm not going to bite my tongue.

But does he discuss his feelings with you, in all sincerity?

No, I discuss my feelings all the time. I tell him all the time, I like sex.

Uh-huh. My [MASKED].

Okay?

I don't think I'm that grown for hearing that.

I don't know. Look, I'm being honest. I'm being honest. You got me blushing, God. I'm like, oh my God, oh my God. Oh my God.

Okay, so I hear that. Well everyone, it's time to meet Duane and hear his side of the story. So everyone welcome Duane to the show.

I mean, she's right about a lot of stuff.

Are you attracted to her?

I am, and there's a lot of times that that gets pushed away.

Got it.

Like she said, she's an attractive woman. I lucked up.

Mm-hmm.

But you don't show me that I'm attractive. You used to? I used to.

Up until what point? We here now, let's say it. What is it? They need to understand too.

When his son committed suicide.

Okay, I figured that.

Well, it's not just that.

Then what else is it?

Well, I mean, I lost a cousin the same year that was like my brother.

Yeah, you did.

I had a kid that's doing 20 to 40 that we never would've expected that, and she went at 21. You almost lost your life.

Right.

I can't just get over it. I'm sorry, go ahead. No, no, please. I can't just get over it. Like, I don't tell her about nightmares that I have cleaning up my son's blood. That's not getting me to intimacy. But nobody's gonna understand it 'cause I'm not always talking about it and bringing that to the table.

Right, and that's why I always tell you, babe, talk about it. You have to release it because it's causing a problem in our marriage. You holding all of this in is taking away from me. And I tell you this all the time, babe.

I understand what you're saying, but the majority that I hear it from you is while we're under the influence and there's an argument and now it's a story.

Because the only time I feel like I can really express myself is under the influence.

I understand that.

You don't hear me any other time.

But you understand what I'm saying? And I understand what you're saying.

But do you realize the reason why I be so bitchy is because I'm not getting shit? Do you understand that?

Yeah, yeah.

So if you understand that, And you say it's my mouth. Why don't you just give me the shit to shut me up?

I did that already.

One time. It has to be consistent.

Listen, I have done that. It can't just be one time. Listen, I have done that.

When, babe?

The times that you don't remember, which is why I'm tired of doing that. I shouldn't have to do that.

You don't hear me any other time than when we're drinking. And what I'm realizing a pattern of is, do you hear him? Are you truly hearing your husband? Because I can tell you in this short amount of time, I can hear him and I hear what he's saying to you. I hear him saying that I do love you, I'm attracted to you, but right now I don't know how to process all my emotions. I don't know how to talk about it. I also wanna be with you, but when we connect, I feel pressure, I feel all these things. Please tell me if I'm, Hitting it right there.

Yeah, you're hitting it.

Because like she said—

I'm hitting it with you with everything, baby. You don't open up with anything.

Okay, so I had a baby on you, right?

Quite a few.

Okay, but did you communicate and tell me that you had cheated?

Yeah, I did.

Well, after my truth.

No, you didn't tell me your truth. My family member told me your truth. No, you did not.

Calm down.

Listen, listen. No, don't tell me to calm down.

Listen to what I'm saying.

Listen to what I'm saying because you're telling me you told me.

I didn't tell you.

You did just say that.

You won't stop and let me correctify. You was told. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike told you.

I should have heard it from you though.

Okay, I did.

I shouldn't have heard it from anybody else.

You're not letting me get the message out that I'm trying to say. You're still stuck there and I'm still stuck there. So moving forward, you was told. I would not have known what was going on with you cheating until that truth came about, right or wrong?

Right.

So you was gonna take that to—

Cats are sneakier than dogs. We get away with it.

Okay, so I had a baby out this situation that made it be worse than what it was. But if you was a woman that was able to get pregnant and if you would've, then what?

Okay, then there probably would've been two kids, but I couldn't have kids.

Okay, so let's back it up.

Did y'all really ever heal from you being in jail and you finding out he cheated? Did y'all ever really heal from that?

No, because I don't even like talking about the situation. That child don't exist.

Nothing to that nature. Got it.

So no.

So that child is here and you can't even talk to her about that child?

No.

No.

Got it.

Not even allowed to mention the name or anything.

Got it, got it.

It don't exist.

But I'm asking now in the context of communication, how can you ever have healthy and honest communication if you can't even talk about the thing that broke y'all in the first place?

Well.

'Cause I'm gonna tell you, this is why when you talk about intimacy years later, why y'all can't talk about it and why y'all can't see eye to eye is y'all can't even talk about the one thing that broke the intimacy really.

That's only because I gave him an ultimatum. I said it's either me or you can go be a father.

Where's your child at? Where's that child at? I don't know. Do you know where that child is?

No.

That's all he needs to do.

So there's no communication?

That's all he needs to do.

Okay, okay.

I don't, eventually later on down the line, it's probably gonna come back to bite me.

If you can't force a woman to get her abortion, you can't force nobody who give you money for their abortion to be a father to something they didn't want. You wanted that kid.

Yeah.

So now you take care of it.

I disagree.

No, I don't.

Well, I feel as though later on down the line, that's just gonna come back and—

It's definitely gonna come back. It's definitely gonna come back.

I got the receipts in my phone. I said I'll show the little girl. This is everything.

She's not gonna care about those receipts.

The truth is the truth.

The truth of the matter is that she's gonna know that her father was not there for her.

Her father, he never wanted her.

Okay, okay, hold on, hold on.

I'm not gonna debate you on this.

I'm not gonna debate you.

I'm just trying to get an understanding. How could you do that? Where's the in-between?

So this is the unfortunate part is the logic for us as adults is sounds like, oh, you can't force a person to be a parent. But that little girl has no idea of any of this. All that little girl knows is that I was not wanted. All that little girl knows is that there's a woman who told my father I shouldn't be around him. And I know you're looking at it from the mother's point of view, but I would implore you to look at it from this little girl's point of view.

I would implore you.

And I would implore you to look at it from this little girl's point of view because that will help the healing for you. Because yes, I know you're mad at the choice your man made and I know you're mad at the choice that this other woman made, but there's a little girl here that literally has nothing to do with this. And I know that that is not to say it trumps your pain, But I want you to know is that until you start to heal from that, the communication and intimacy issues you have still to this day are always going to keep getting worse and worse. What we don't realize is that when we talk about communication intimacy, it's like a tumbleweed. It starts as one little thing and just keeps getting bigger and bigger and little pieces keep getting attached that are all of the same thing. And we don't realize until it's so big that now you're years later in the house saying, we drinking and we don't even wanna have sex. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't do anything to me. Well, y'all ain't been communicating about your real stuff since day one. I need both of y'all to give one thing that you need, and I need y'all to hear each other without any defense or talking about it. And that's what y'all gonna use as the first step. I'm gonna help y'all clean up with the first step so y'all can get home and start to communicate, but also have the intimacy. So what do you need? I'm gonna have you go first because you haven't been heard.

I just need you to listen to me. I really just need some understanding. I'm not always right.

So the thing is, is that you wanna be heard and she wants to be seen. That's the clear, that's the basis of it. That is the base of this. Say to your wife, I wanna be heard.

I wanna be heard.

Say to your husband, I wanna be seen.

I wanna be seen.

So we can be heard and be seen together without it being friction.

You see how, you see this? Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Remember how big I was?

Yeah, I remember that.

Who went on like this?

I never said I didn't want it. I never said I didn't want it.

Act like you want it, babe.

So this is what she wants. When she just stood up there, that wasn't about sex. You said, "Yeah, who wouldn't want it?" What she wants you to say is, "You look sexy." That's what she wants. So like I said, you wanna be heard, she wants to be seen. So if you would've said right there, "You look sexy, you look beautiful." You get it now? You get it, you got it.

And I need work on that. I didn't ever have that to know that or for somebody to—

Got it. But you got it now.

I get it.

You got it now.

I get it. And those little words do mean a lot, but sometimes I need to just—

You forget. I do forget. Yeah.

And I don't really be trying to just be stuck in it.

Good.

Like my son that passed away, he wouldn't want me to be stuck in it. So that's why I tried to move past it.

Yeah. But did you hear that? He said he got it. How do you feel about that?

I feel good.

You feel good? It's gonna take some work. So this is not just an all be all fix right here. It's the first step, but at least he heard it. So the next time y'all get into this situation where you feel like, I'm giving you the mantra y'all gonna use, where you feel like, baby, I want intimacy, which really means you wanna be seen. You say, baby, see me right now. That's gonna be your cue to say, you look good, you look sexy. Give her a caress. Just know it's not always gonna lead to sex because he needs to be heard.

They don't need to.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I'm agreeing with you. I'm giving you the tools so you can work it out. So when he says that, when he says that, you know, oh, he's touching, you feel seen. But then when he says he needs to be heard, that's when you gotta shut down everything you doing. That means even if you drinking, which we gotta talk about the drinking issue too, but that's another show. There's a lot of compound issue I was writing down on this paper. When he says, "I need to be heard," that means you say, "Okay, let me listen to what my baby gotta say. This right now, he needs to pour himself out." That's what's gonna work y'all out, all right? First step, it's the first step, first step, all right?

I wish y'all the best of luck.

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