I’m A Virgin Looking For A Husband | KARAMO

Rebecca is a 34-year-old virgin living in a toxic world. She doesn't trust her boyfriend Jake and needs my help. So come on everybody, please help welcome Rebecca to the show. Hi Rebecca. Hi. How you doing? Hi Karamo.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, thank you. Rebecca, so girl, tell me about this toxic relationship you are in.

So basically we met at the gym and I was like, he's so cute. Like I just wanna get to know him. But we started going out and like he started showing signs of being super toxic. You know, like he punched the top of the car. He was mad and he punched like a cup of soda and exploded in the car.

That sounds more like abusive. Yeah.

And like, I like, I just thought he was the nicest guy because he was telling me, he was like, "Oh, you're so beautiful." He was crying. He's like, "I'm so glad I met you." And I was like, "Wow, this guy really likes me." And I—

If it's toxic, why stay?

Honestly—

I mean, 'cause I mean, these are your words. You're saying it's toxic. So just why stay?

I like love him a lot. Like we have good times. When we're good, we're really, really, really good. And like we get along. You know?

Okay, y'all a cute couple. Y'all a cute couple. So what happens when you fight then?

He has called me a bitch before. Yeah, he's called me an idiot. He's like, "You're a bitch." And like, honestly, most people see him and they're like, "He's so composed." Yeah. "He's so sweet." You know?

Sometimes relationships, people will mask what they want you to see and you'll be in a whole relationship where people are being emotionally or physically abusive. And I haven't heard his side of the story, So I don't wanna judge yet, but how long have you two been together?

We've been together for over a year and we've broken up like 6 times.

So this is, so over a year.

Yeah.

Do you two live together right now?

It's a situation. He lives in his car kind of.

Oh.

And sometimes he stays with me, but I know a lot of people are like, oh, that's a red flag and stuff, but my mom is not cool with it. But we just have to survive.

So why are you cool with it, I'm asking?

I was not okay with it, okay? Like in the beginning I was like, are you gonna look for a place? Like at one point though, like I was actually sleeping in the car with him. What? Yeah.

Why you have an apartment?

When you like someone, you feel safer around them.

How many times did you say you've broken up?

5, 6 times.

What makes you go back?

I will be like, hey, like I wanna see you. Or like he'll be like, I wanna see you. We'll get back together, you know?

So you're saving yourself for marriage? Yes. Why was that a choice you wanted to make?

I grew up Christian and, you know, it was taught in church, but for me it's more of like, honestly, I have like abandonment issues 'cause my dad wasn't in my life. And to me I was like, okay, if I'm gonna be that intimate with a guy, like I wanna be married, I want him to stay in my life forever.

And I understand now the abandonment issues.

Yes.

But what are you expecting from a man you date?

Honestly, like I want him to treat me nice. Like I want him to say like, you're beautiful, I love you. Like I care about you. I want him to say how he feels. Feels 'cause like I didn't really get that from my dad, you know? Like I didn't get that from a father figure. So like I want a man to really like care for me, you know? And he has said those things, but then other times he's really angry and then he just yells at me.

Yeah, I hear you.

And here you go. I didn't think I would cry this fast.

No, it's okay.

I look in the mirror sometimes and I feel like I have a double chin and I feel bad about myself.

You start to pick yourself apart immediately. Yeah. Why do you think you two have such a hard time getting along?

I feel like he doesn't say how he feels. Like, don't just disappear. I mean, I remember one time he started swerving 'cause he was mad at me and I got out the car 'cause I didn't wanna fight in the car and he slams the door, drives off, and leaves me there.

So are you worried that Jake is having sex with other women?

Sometimes, like, I have fear because I'm waiting till marriage. He has told me that, oh, I wanna have sex.

Yeah.

But these were my boundaries, so, you know.

Yeah. Do you two engage in anything other than sex? Do you have other, like—

Oh, yeah, intimacy, yes.

Yes, okay, great. Okay, just, I'm wanting to check. All right, so listen, there's a lot going on here. I love your vulnerability and how much you've been open, but there is a lot of toxic behavior here from your own words and I'm hearing it as well. But this is just one side of the story. We need to hear the other side of the story. So everyone, I think it's time now to meet Jake, Rebecca's boyfriend. So let's join Jake to the show. Jake, come on out. Come on, take a seat. How are you doing, man? Good to meet you. Good, how are you? Yes, good. So I want you to describe your relationship because we heard one side and now it's time to hear your side.

Right, well, you were out here saying a lot of things about what I do. I didn't hear a lot about the things that you do, the things that you do to set me off, the things that you really do that push me over the edge, like how you scream at me, how you chase after me. But it's so different for me. Yeah, but like all those times when you know, I really wanna step back and get space and think about things, and then you just wanna confront it head on like that, you're not giving me that time I need to recuperate and think about what's going on.

Mm. So Jake, you describe your relationship as intensely toxic.

Right.

Wow. That's a lot for you to say, my relationship is intensely toxic and still stay in it. Why do you think it's intensely toxic?

Really just the frequency of the fights, you know, like, Rebecca and I have been together for like on and off for a year, like a year and a half, and I can't even count the number of fights we've been in. I just don't think it's healthy.

Well, what are you fighting about exactly? Because I still want clarity.

I'll be trying to get away from her. She wants to, you know, she'll be hurt over something, upset over something, and I'll say like, I need to take a step back from this, but she wants to do it like right then and there.

So you really feel like Rebecca doesn't give you space?

I feel like sometimes I say I need space and she kind of disregards it.

You live in your car, right?

Yeah.

What is hindering you from being able to find an apartment?

Right now I just don't want to. The rents are super high and I just want to save money.

How do you feel about Rebecca being a virgin?

I think that's cool. That's hard to find these days. And you know, she's a woman with values and I'm not saying other girls don't have values, but she has her values and she's and she sticks to it and I share some of that. So I think it's pretty cool.

So are there other women?

No, there's no other woman.

There's no other women?

There's no other woman but her.

Okay. So Jake, you're cursing and calling Rebecca names. You just acknowledged that you understand that that's an unhealthy behavior. You've kicked Rebecca out of your car. You understand it's not just the car and the space, which I get before, but the act of actually trying to say, I'm shutting you out, I'm not gonna communicate with you. Is what makes that unhealthy. So it's one thing to be able to say, these are the reasons that I need my space right now, but I don't think you're doing that. So the lack of communication makes this relationship really unhealthy and it keeps you in this spiral because neither of you are talking about what's really going on. And it's also the constant, constant arguments because you're not expressing what you're really feeling. I feel like today I've heard more about what you're feeling when you said to me, the word overwhelmed. How often do you tell her that you're overwhelmed?

I do tell her that sometimes.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know if I always do it in the most conducive way to like having good communication, but I do try to communicate that.

You didn't learn how to communicate growing up, did you?

I don't think I learned good communication skills growing up.

Okay, yeah. Now Rebecca, let's take a look at your unhealthy behaviors that we're seeing. Text Jake 30 times a day. Went through the producers, talked about it when they talked to you that you said you text a lot. Broke up with Jake 6 times a year.

Oh, he did that actually. I don't know.

Okay, so then let me switch it back. Went back 6 times a year.

Oh, right, yeah.

Because you also have a choice in this as well. Just like I said to Jake earlier, it's a conscious choice. You're making a conscious choice to go back to something where you know you're gonna be kicked out of a car, where you know you're gonna be called the B word, where you know you're gonna be treated a certain way. You're making that conscious choice. We talked about it earlier. We understand it's coming from self-esteem issues and abandonment issues, but still you're making that choice to go back, which is very unhealthy. And you have those separation issues, which is why anytime he says he needs space, you start to freak out because space for you means something different than it means for him. Am I right?

I want him to say to me like, I need space right now, but I love you. Like I want him to assure me.

He is not the man to do that for you. And it does not mean that you can't do it. You're just not in a space right now.

I really wanna work on these things and I really wanna make it right. I want us to be able to do this.

She's not the one to do it with. She's not the one to do it with.

You don't think so?

Oh, I know so. I know so. This is not the relationship to do that with. You need time to reflect and to grow. You need all of that right now. You're in a space right now where there are so many unhealthy patterns that you learned in your past that you have to figure out how to be able to communicate. You have to be able to reflect with yourself of like why you're in the position you're in right now. Listen, as much as I wanna say like, oh, because rent is too much and because, you know, you've had a hard time, there's another reason why you're staying in your car is because you're unstable right now. And this instability means is the first sign that you should not be in a relationship. With that instability, you need to find time to take time for you to get stable, get your feet planted. And listen, you're a young man. I believe that maybe in 4 years, 5 years, this could be the woman for you. This could be the woman that you wanna be with. But right now, I'm going to advise you and tell you that you do not need to be in a relationship. You need to be with yourself. You need to figure out your career. You need to figure out what your home is. What your own life is gonna be. You need to figure out who are you as a man. You're speaking two different languages here. You want stability, you wanna be settled, but you're with a man who's still trying to figure out and trying to grow. And the reason you're staying with him is because you're in a space right now where you're scared to be alone. You're scared that his boundaries means that he doesn't want you. You're scared that him saying, "I need space," means that you're not worthy. You know what I mean? You make excuses for him because you've been making excuses for people who have abandoned you or abused you your entire life, right?

Yeah.

And so now you're holding onto anybody who you feel is gonna give you the unconditional love. But the thing, sister, is that you gotta start working on that unconditional love on yourself. Come here, let me do something with you. Come here, come here. We'll be back. I need you to connect with me and remove this. And I know it's hard right now. You're in a pattern and a cycle where because you were abandoned, your self-esteem is being dramatically, dramatically affected.

I feel like I have to keep trying, you know? I have to keep putting in effort.

Because you feel like if you don't put in an effort, people are gonna give up on you.

Yeah. It makes me feel like I'm not worth it, that, I'm unlovable and like, I don't know, Jake has said that before. He's like, he's told me that I'm annoying.

Do you think you're lovable?

Yeah.

You do?

Like a lot of people actually really enjoy my company and like a lot of people like me. Like sometimes I like just want like, To find the right person thinking that that will fulfill me.

You have to understand that you are loved, that you deserve love and that you are loved. And even if people in the outside world is not gonna give it to you, you deserve it anyway 'cause you deserve to give it to yourself. I want you to look in this mirror right now. And I want you to say to yourself right now, 3 things that you love about yourself to yourself.

I love that I'm really funny.

Say, Rebecca, I love that you're funny.

Rebecca, I love that you're funny. Rebecca, I love that you're beautiful. Rebecca, I love, I love that you have a really kind heart and that.

Now Rebecca, talk to your dad.

I love you, but I'm kind of pissed off that you weren't there for me.

You're not kind of pissed off.

I'm really pissed off. You not being there really hurt my self-esteem and it made me feel like I wasn't worthy of love.

Now this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna look at this mirror and say, Rebecca, repeat after me. Look at yourself.

Rebecca.

Hey, I deserve love.

I deserve love.

You deserve love.

I deserve love.

No more going back to Jake. No more calling the people who have hurt you over and over again. You hear me? Do not give them any more power. The power is now yours. But the only way you're gonna recognize that power is looking yourself in the mirror and reminding yourself you are lovable, you are not annoying, and you do not deserve to chase people. You got it?

Yes.

I don't need to chase any man.

I don't need to chase any man.

These are the things that you have to say to yourself. You have to be specific about the things that you're saying to yourself. You don't deserve to have anybody call you out your name. What is your name?

Rebecca.

Say it.

My name is Rebecca.

Not bitch.

Not bitch.

You got this?

Yeah.

I need you to really start practicing this stuff. I'm serious. Hold on, where you going? I'll tell you where you're going. Right here to subscribe and right here to watch more. Period.