I'm Not Just Gay, I'm Your Son! | KARAMO

I haven't had a bond with my son since he was a little boy. He makes me feel like I'm a bad mom. He thinks I judge him because he's gay, but I do not. There's been heated arguments, and in those heated arguments, I have told him that it was a sin. That's how I was taught, that's how I was raised, that it was a sin to be that way. I don't really want to just get— keep continuing to stay on that topic that that gay topic, I don't like touching that. I'm not trying to hurt him anymore. So, but that one thing he cannot hold against me. I have never judged him. I was raised that that was wrong.

I want her to look at me more than just my sexuality. I'm not gay, I'm Jimmy.

Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever been close with your mom?

When I was younger, my mom and I were very close, How do you communicate with her? Letters.

How long have you been writing letters?

I've been writing letters since the moment that I could spell a word.

So you are one of 12 children. Did you feel like you were treated differently?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

In what ways?

More ways than I could even begin to explain. Just the way that my siblings are looked at. My siblings get eye contact. My siblings get a hug. My siblings get compassion, but me, I have never.

[Speaker:KARAMO] Do you think the relationship with your mom is salvageable?

[Speaker] That's really something she has to ask herself, but I believe she loves me, but I don't think she loves every part of me.

[Speaker] What do you want to happen today?

[Speaker] I just want some respect. You don't have to respect that I'm gay. I don't care. You have made me feel like I've done something wrong. I was sexually assaulted when I was 5. That affects a child major. And so whether I want to be this way or not, that is how I am. I feel like that affected me, but even if that didn't happen, I was born this way. This is not a choice that I made. I don't want to be ridiculed.

Got it.

So I know that you were in college. Right. And that you had to stop because your grandmother passed. Correct. And so you moved outta your mom's house? I'm sorry. What made you emotional right there? Here you go.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I'm so sorry.

Here, what's going on, babe? Talk to me. Here you go. Here you go.

Here you go.

I'm sorry.

What happened, Karamo?

I'm so sorry.

Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. What happened? What just happened?

My grandma is the only person that's ever made me feel like I'm normal.

Got it.

When she died, I don't have anybody. Nobody can look at me.

Here, come back out with me. I'm sorry. No, you do not need to apologize. Let me tell you what I'm gonna teach you right now. First lesson. 'Cause you don't apologize for your feelings because you are just like every other human being. You're entitled to your feelings and you're entitled to express them and be who you are. So you don't ever have to apologize for that. Okay, so, So you moved outta your mom's house, right?

I did for a little while.

Okay, got it. Are you back in your mom's house?

Yes.

And so how's it been being back in your mom's house?

I thought that our relationship was okay after I graduated, but really I just feel like me going to college, I was outta the way. She didn't have to deal with me anymore. That embarrassment of your co-captain cheerleader son that got prom king and did all these great things in high school. You don't wanna look at him anymore. Because it's not the son that you imagined.

Got it. Is your father in your life?

I have two daddies. My stepdad is great. That man will lay his entire everything. The belt that's on my waist is his. He has held me up. My biological dad, my biological father, he's been pretty back and forth, in and outta my life.

Got it. Well, everyone, I wanna meet Jimmy's mother, Amanda. So let's welcome her to the stage to get her side of the story.

A lot of stuff is not true. It's absolutely not the truth.

Yeah, denial is a river in Egypt.

It is not true. It is not true. I supported you in cheer and all.

Mama, it's not cheer. It is not cheer.

It is me. I don't care about the activities I do.

I love him, but I don't have to like what he does.

You don't, but you have to respect it. You have to respect it, I'm not asking you.

I don't disrespect it either, I take up for him. That is not true.

You're my mom, do you want a pat on the back for that? It's the way you want it.

No, do you want clout for sitting here making me out to be this villain that I'm not?

I'm not trying to make you look like a villain. You have done great things. But the bad things outweigh them.

What bad?

The way you make me feel. How do I? The way you don't look me in my eyes, the way you behave towards me. Because you tell me don't touch you. What do you mean? I don't like to be touched. Why do you think I don't want to?

You show me all the time.

Mom, I was sexually assaulted.

How was I supposed to know that?

If nobody tell me. Ask questions, pay attention to your kids. I'm not saying anything bad. I just want you to get better so my siblings don't have to ever go through anything like I did.

Did you know that he was sexually assaulted?

No, I did not.

When was the first time?

At 5 years old, no, I did not.

When did you first hear this?

Mama, I was in kindergarten. I told you when I was 16.

Did you remember him telling you?

I thought that was another incident, but yes, I remember.

Okay, okay, you remember. And when that happened, do you feel like your mother was there for you in that moment?

No, I feel like she did what she knew and just swept it under the rug.

I didn't even know how to, how, I didn't know how to be there.

I understand that, but neither did I.

I had never been through that. I didn't know, I had never.

I get that, I get that, but when, When are you gonna stop saying I, me, I, me, and start caring about me and my feelings?

Why do you feel that I don't? I don't understand what.

I've never judged you, I've never said anything about you being, your sexuality.

You constantly telling me G-A-Y. That is not a thing, G-A-Y. Gay, it's gay. I don't want the little one saying it, walking around saying it. You are making gay seem like it is a bad thing. This is not something I chose to be, but just accept it.

Accept me.

Just accept me.

What do you mean?

I have always accepted her. No, you have not. You are in denial. What makes you think that I haven't? Mama, you can't even look me in my eyes. You have not hugged me in years.

Jimmy, will you do me a favor? I have not. I wanna give you a second to take a break in the green room, and I wanna talk to your mom alone, okay? I'm gonna have you go back this way. Come to her, Karamo. What do you think the issues are between you two?

Honestly, I do not know. Our relationship started going down when he was like in, after kind of like junior high or whatever. That's when things started changing. He started changing. We've always wrote letters to each other to express how we feel because that's how my mom and I did. He makes me feel bad now. He's like, "How do you think it made me feel that I couldn't come and talk to you, that I had to write letters?" And I was like, "I thought that was health, like something that was good for both of us." Healthy. Even though what?

Do you feel like you treat him differently?

No, honestly, basically I feel like I've lost him because he feels that I don't accept him and that's not true.

Do you have any shame in your heart that you have a gay child?

No, I'm not ashamed of him. I'm not ashamed of him at all. I never have been. I was raised in a home to where it was wrong and that's it. And I don't speak on it because I don't know, I don't understand it. So I don't speak on it. Like I don't have to sit and why do we have to have a topic about it? Like it's something that I don't understand so I don't speak on it.

[Speaker:KARAMO] So one of the things that you said is that I don't understand it. Would you be open to talking to him more to understand who he is and understand more about his sexuality?

First I have to understand him because I don't understand him.

Are you willing to learn about his experience as a gay man?

What do I gain from that?

You gain more understanding of your child.

I don't understand what you mean about learning.

So part of who your son is is he's a gay man, which means like as he gets older, he's gonna have a relationship. He's gonna have, just like your other children probably have dates that they come over to the house, they'll want to meet you. So there's a part of that that I'm asking you, would you be willing to learn more about that?

I guess, I mean.

Yeah, I'm just asking.

It really doesn't, I don't understand what you're saying.

See, the same way that you said—

What are you meaning when you saying, am I willing to what? You saying accept him?

I didn't say—

Because I accept him.

I didn't say anything about acceptance right now.

So what are you meaning learn?

Would you be open to learning about your son as a gay man and what that entails?

Yes.

I think part of the reason I'm gonna speak somewhat for him, I'm just from similar experiences. I grew up in a Christian household and I also grew up in a household where my father literally did not talk to me at all, even though we're in the household, because he was not willing to accept me as a gay man. I experienced that and it hurt me every single day because I felt like, well then maybe these people don't like me. He would say things like, I respect you, I wanna get to know you, but then also at the same rate, he was showing me that he didn't want to learn about me. And we did not talk for 18 to 20 years. And in that time, in that time, I became a very successful man, a very happy man. And in the back of my mind, in the back of my mind, hold on a second. In the back of my mind, I always wanted my father there because I was like, I want him to be enjoying this. I want him to be experiencing this with me. But what I realized is that my father, as much as I learned about him and understood his life and the things he was, and I had the empathy to say, okay, I get how you were raised. You were raised in a house where you were told one thing. You went to church every day. This is how you were taught. I understand where you're coming from. He never took a chance to understand me. And then one day, 4 years ago, he said, I finally wanna learn. And he decided at that point to start making the choice to learn more about this community that he had been taught was so wrong. He started to learn. And this is a man that is still very devoted to his religion. And now we have the best relationship because he's took the opportunity to learn. So when I'm asking you, do you wanna take a time to learn? I'm not asking you to change your beliefs. I'm asking you to take, do you wanna learn more about your son? Yes. You do? Mm-hmm.

I don't wanna feel distant from him.

Yeah.

'Cause I do love him.

Yeah. I know there's love in your heart, but I also understand and have empathy for the fact that you were raised a certain way and that you were taught a certain thing. I actually, because I've been through it and I've grown past it and also because I'm also a proud Christian man, I also can very, I can say to you, I see it, I understand what you've been through. But I can tell you if you really wanna be able to get that relationship with him, him. You being able to say that I'm willing to learn will be a big step.

I am. And I think that's the big issue that I don't speak about it or I don't talk about it.

Yeah.

And I think that's why he feel like I don't accept him because I won't talk about it or whatever.

Yeah.

I accept him. I just, that's just not something that I wanna sit and talk about.

Yeah. And through education you'll learn more and then maybe you might become more comfortable But that's gonna be the first step for you. If I bring Jimmy back out, would you be able to say to him that you're willing to learn?

Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna bring Jimmy back out. Your mother and I talked and I heard your mom. She heard me, which I was very thankful for. And she has something that she would like to share with you.

I'm willing to learn who you are and I do accept you. I love you and I'm sorry. For making me feel.

I love you too.

There's a lot of pain that has been here. Well, Jimmy, I can tell you this. I know your mother does love you at the core. And I also understand, as I share with your mom, what it feels like from your perspective being a young Black gay man who just wants to be seen and know that their parents love them wholeheartedly. And what I tried to show your mother and what she accepted, which is why I give her her praise, which is why I'm giving you your flowers right here, is that through me talking to her calmly, she understood that she has to learn more and she was willing to learn more. And that's a big step. And maybe for some of the people it seems like a small step, but for somebody who's grown in a household where you've been told this is wrong, this is wrong, to say I wanna at least learn, education is the first step. And so I thank you for that.

Thank you.

And she wants to get closer. Do you wanna get closer to your mom?

I do.

Tell her.

I wanna be able to have a relationship. I just wanna open up.

But I can't, I don't know how to, but I'll work on it.

I will too.

Y'all took a very big step. You took a very big step. Listen, I know if y'all need anything, I wanna be a resource for both of y'all. So if y'all ever need anything, I want y'all to know you can talk to me. I'm gonna hear you, okay?

Okay.

And I wish y'all the best of luck, all right?

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