I’m Overwhelmed Raising My Teen Daughters Alone! | KARAMO

My guest Christina is a single mom of 16 and 13-year-old daughters. Christina says she struggles with being the mom, dad, and best friends for her kids and is exhausted. She wants my help to unlock the root cause of everyone's anger and frustration within her family. Please welcome Christina to the show. Hi, how are you doing? Can I give you a hug? Yes, sir. Nice to meet you.

You as well.

Thank you. So you said that your 16-year-old daughter Anaya has an attitude problem. Tell me what's going on.

She just feels like she's the parent in the situation at all times. She don't never give me a chance to be the parent, be the mom. I know I try to be the friend, best friend, father, try to be everything to them and give them everything they want. And it seems like it's just never good enough for them.

What do you think the root problem is?

That's why I'm here to try to figure it all out.

Yeah, okay. And so you're raising two teens 'cause you have a 16-year-old Anaya and then you also have Aaliyah that is 13?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, so how's that affecting you?

It's just, it's making me go into a far deep depression and I don't know how to overcome it. I don't know how to, get out of the shell. I just wanna be by myself at all times and I know that they need me. It's just getting too hard for me to do it all by myself at all times. I was a single mom. I've been a single mom. I had my daughter when I was 17. So I feel like I gave up all my teen years and raised them and it seems like now I feel like they don't need me as much as they did when they were littler. So it's like, what am I supposed to do now with my life? Like, you know?

Okay, so you told my producers that you feel like your household isn't stable. What do you mean by that?

With me being, I'm not gonna blame it on nobody besides myself, me being in depression and not wanting to get outta bed, not trying to make rent and make bills, I fell into a hole and got ourself put out in eviction. And it's a lot for all of us to go through.

When did you start? 'Cause you said again that, you know, the apartment, you got evicted because you were just feeling stressed. When did that start? A year ago, 2 years?

It started when my arm got broke. My wrist got broke. We had an altercation and I got shoved down some stairs by a significant other and it broke my arm last year. I was in a cast for 6 months. I still baby it as we speak. It's just barely healing.

Got it. So I hear you talk about Anaya, the 16-year-old, of the issues she's having. Are you worried about the 13-year-old?

Oh yeah.

Malia?

Aaliyah's gonna follow Anaya's footsteps. She's gonna follow, she's more of a, I wouldn't say, she's a follower more than a leader.

How's she doing in school?

Mm.

Not good.

Not good at all.

Okay.

Not good at all.

Is it behavior or grades?

Grades. She's a very good kid. She just doesn't, well, she's a good kid when she wants to be a good kid, let me say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When she wants to be a good kid.

Is there anything reckless that Aaliyah has done?

Yeah, just staying out all night. Aaliyah, when she's around certain friends and certain people, she happens to be, I call her my no limit soldier. There's no limit to her craziness when she's around certain people. She'll think it's okay to be walking around wandering the streets at 1, 2 o'clock in the morning.

And she's 13.

13. Yes. And they know when I go to sleep, I'm asleep. I'm a heavy sleeper.

Yeah.

And sometimes I'll take some PM pills just to get the good Z's in. And that's when they take full advantage of me.

Does she help out around the house, Aaliyah?

Not at all.

Okay.

Not at all.

What about Anaya?

Anaya, yes.

But Aaliyah says no?

Not at all. It's like pulling teeth with Aaliyah.

All right, listen, before we meet 16-year-old Anaya and her 13-year-old sister, Aaliyah, take a look at what they had to say about the situation.

I'm 16 and my sister Aaliyah is 13. I've been taking care of myself since 12 years old. I help my mom with financial needs. How my mornings are right now, waking up, going to school, well, finding a ride to school, coming back, seeing if my mom's home or not. Then I go to work and then from work, Make sure everybody eats, especially my grandma. Then making sure that all the kids have their stuff done and make sure that they have everything ready for tomorrow morning. I'm worried about my sister because I don't want to see her in the streets or anything like that. You're just always outside and— I'm not always outside. I think my sister acts like that because nobody gives her attention. No one actually will talk to me and say like, how's your day going? No one does that. I do not spend no bonding time with my mom just because of the reason that she's just always at work or she's just doing something else. She could walk in the house and we'll already know, like, don't mess with her. Mom, I want you to show us more attention, spend more time with us, and make sure that We have our priorities straight and he put us first than anybody else.

Well, first I'm going to talk to 16-year-old Anaya. Welcome Anaya to the show, please. Hi, Anaya.

Hi.

Can I have a hug? Yes. Nice to meet you. Take a seat next to your mom. So I can see in your eyes you're getting emotional. Yes. What was going on through your mind?

I just want her to start, you know, not take us to school, but it's more of, you know, waking up, making sure that we're good. But how are the mornings, Anaya? Our mornings are— Are hectic, right? Are hectic, yeah. They're really bad. Why do I wanna put myself in that position? You guys are grown enough to take care of, get up, brush your teeth, do your hair. You look beautiful now. You know how to get yourself dressed and get to school. Right, it's just more of, you know, like all I see when I go to school is parents dropping their kids off. That's all we want. And not you guys sleeping. Well, if you guys left the attitudes in bed and in your dreams, maybe I would have been motivated to get up and cook you guys breakfast and make sure you guys have a good morning and get to school. Okay, your daughter has a hole in her tooth and You're not doing nothing. How long was I with my broken arm for? It's not understood. It's our medical, it's our insurance. Right. It is our insurance. It's not my fault. It's not always completely my fault. It's our insurance that's giving us all the runaround. Right. It is our insurance as well. So don't make it seem like it's not our problem. So it's not just paying attention to your medical needs?

Your daughter's backstage and I wanna go back there and talk to her because my producer has told me that she's actually back there crying. Y'all mind if I take a moment to go back there and talk to her? Do you feel like you get attention from your mom?

No.

No? Why?

She puts more attention on my sister than me.

I don't like it. Why do you think she gives your sister more attention?

Because she, my sister helps around the house and she has a job, so she puts more attention than my sister. Anaya than me. Yeah.

You wanna come out here and sit with them? Yeah. So did you hear what Aaliyah said back there?

Yes, I did.

She feels like you don't give her any attention because you give it to Anaya all the time.

But she hit it right on the nose too. Because she says she don't help around the house. It seems like if I give her the attention, it's gonna be negative attention because she don't wanna help do nothing around the house. She don't wanna listen. She wants to just do what Aaliyah wants to do.

Yeah.

So I kind of, I do kind of exit her out and, okay, Aniah, we're gonna do this. We gotta get this done. We gotta get that done. We gotta get the, Aaliyah, she's just gonna procrastinate and drag it along and make the job harder than what it actually is. So I kind of X her out and put my focus on Aniah. Like, Aniah, I know Aniah's gonna help me. I know she's gonna get the job done. I know we're gonna come together as a team.

I want you to listen to the language you're using. I want you to listen to the language you're using.

Okay.

And I know you're exhausted and I know you're overwhelmed, just like many mothers are around this world. But you're saying things like, "I'm going to X her out." Not X her out completely. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Again, that's why I prefaced it first to let you know. But when she don't wanna get the job done, it's cool. But the language, but the language. She's still a kid. So even if you X somebody out for the time being, imagine when you were 17 and somebody judged your choice and X'd you out for the time being. What did you feel?

Neglected, left out.

Neglected, left out. Talk to your daughter.

It's just hard, Aaliyah, when you don't listen. You know I got a short temper. I get frustrated a lot. It's like if you're slowing me down, I'm gonna, I don't wanna say X you out 'cause you will never be X'd out in my life. I will always love you and support you and be there for you. But it's like you don't make stuff easy for me around the house and you know that. You know what you be doing.

Aaliyah, do you stay home from school?

Yes.

Why?

Because I don't like waking up in the morning.

And why don't you like waking up in the morning?

I don't know. I really don't know.

Aaliyah, do you feel sad? Do you feel sad a lot?

Not all the time, but sometimes, yeah.

What I would love is for you two ladies to go back, get a drink of water, relax. I think y'all have done a very great job. Listen, at 16 and 13, I don't know if I could do it. And I'm proud of y'all. Y'all did amazing, but I want y'all to take a sip of water. Then y'all go get something, relax. Y'all cool with that break?

Yeah.

Okay, cool. Come on. They said they need your attention. And so I get it. You say, well, they put me in the attitude. But one of the big things you can do to give attention is you have to find some way, and I know it's hard, and I'm gonna try to give you some more tools outside of this, just to at least get up in the morning. You see that little girl there?

Mm-hmm.

Every morning you fight with her and every morning your daughter has to fight with her, that's, she's mimicking your behavior. I'm too sad, I give up on the world. Can you commit to at least saying, I'ma get up in the morning?

Yes, sir.

You can?

Energy for my kids, yes. If that's gonna be a big help and to see some type of positive results, I'll get up right early cooking breakfast every morning, yes.

I believe it, I believe it, I believe it. This is the second piece that I think we can cut out commit to where you don't feel extra overwhelmed is that I gotta ask you when you feel like they're not stepping up for you not to react in a way that you've been reacting. Instead, react as like you're a kid. And I know that's hard. This is gonna be a big one.

That's, yeah, you're asking for too much now.

No, I get it, I get it. But they're 16 and 13-year-old. Like when your daughter just says she has 3 jobs, I know you're not asking for money. I heard it. You said, I'm not asking for your money. I'm not doing anything. But that's still too hard for a 16 year old girl to have to do.

It's because sometimes they think they're the president's daughter and they're used to a lifestyle that I used to be able to support. And that's.

But the way you break them out of that is, first of all, by not saying it's your fault sometimes.

Mom, I spoiled them. I told me, like, I.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because, listen, I could have already pinpointed this before you even went there. That's language somebody put in your head to tell you, tell you, you know what, listen, you spoiling these kids and now the repercussions, now you're like, oh, I did spoil 'em. No, no, no, no, no. Because that type of language is what's keeping you depressed. That type of language is what keeps you feeling down on yourself. When people tell you, look what you did and you start believing it, guess what happens? You start breaking yourself down even more. So you gotta remove that language.

Okay.

You were there for your mother and you provided for your kids. You gave. And now you don't have it to give. Yeah. It doesn't make you a bad mom and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. I wanna bring back your daughters out now, right?

Okay.

The reason I asked her to get off stage is because right now mom is going through a hard moment. She's going through a real hard moment and that shouldn't be shouldered on y'all. But I'm gonna tell y'all this, as someone who just met your mother, there's a strong side of y'all mom and a very amazing side. Yeah. That once she starts to make these commitments that I just talked to her about, y'all gonna see. Now, one of the things is y'all know that financially y'all going through it right now, right?

Mm-hmm.

Y'all know it.

Yeah.

And so there's two things that I heard and I wanna do this for you and for you and for you. I wanna send you to a dentist. I'm gonna make an appointment for you today. You done. And for you, And for you, 'cause I know how hard school can be, especially when you don't have the support, I'm gonna get you that tutor.

Thank you. Thank you, Karamo.

You're welcome. How do y'all feel about that?

Good. It feels good knowing that, you know, family's always supposed to be there, but you know, just other outsiders caring, actually caring and actually listening and knowing that what we're actually going through and that this is actually a hard time for us. And we're not coming out here just to just do it. We're actually coming out here to get help. And this is just one big thing that I'm really thankful for.

Well, I appreciate you thanking me, but I gotta tell you something. The thanks doesn't go to me. The thanks goes to your mom.

Thank you.

Thank you. I know that right now it seems like she's not the one that's providing that, But the only reason that I'm able to provide it is because your mom was just vulnerable enough with me and she was able to sign off to bring y'all here.

Thank you so much. I do appreciate you.

You're a young woman, you're a young woman, but especially for you, you gotta make some commitments too, okay? Your mother's saying she's gonna commit to waking up. You said you gonna commit to wake up with her. Now I know you going out because you want that attention. You don't feel like you're getting it at home. You feel like all the focus is on your sister. When you feel like you're not getting attention, I need you to be the young woman I know you can be. And I need you to calmly say to your mom, "I need you to love me louder right now." Because I think as young people, especially as young women, we don't know how to scream out that way. We start screaming out in other ways. This goes for you too. I need you to love me louder instead of going out in the streets, instead of being upset. And this is the same thing for y'all when y'all talking. Because it's easy for everybody to catch an attitude. And I already know this, full of attitude in this house. You be catching attitudes, you catch attitudes, you catch attitudes, right?

4 minutes and we'll all get 'em.

Okay, but that attitude is actually just because y'all are hurting.

Exactly.

People don't realize that. Then when you see sisters and mothers catching attitudes, 'cause everybody's just hurt and they don't know how to say it. Right. So instead of saying, instead of like having the attitude, just say, I need you to love me a little louder right now. And sometimes love me louder means, "Hey, can you gimme 5 minutes to take a breath?" Sometimes loving me louder means gimme a hug. Sometimes loving me a little bit louder saying, "I'm gonna wake up." Yeah. Just say that instead. Can you promise me that?

Yes.

What you gonna say to your mama if you feeling sad? If you feel like you wanna be outside, if you feel like you don't wanna go to school, what you gonna say?

Mom, I want you to love me louder. Okay.

You hear that?

Louder. Say it louder. Mom, I want you to love me loud. Yeah.

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