Is Being a 34-Year-Old Virgin Ruining Her Relationship? | Karamo Reacts | KARAMO

So I was trying something new with these turtlenecks, and so I'm never gonna wear them again because I don't like how stuffy I look in them. I feel like turtlenecks could be cute. I'm gonna try to figure out how to do a turtleneck. So girl, tell me about this toxic relationship you are in.

So basically we met at the gym and I was like, he's so cute, like I just want to get to know him. Yeah, but, uh, we started going out and like he started showing signs of being super toxic. You know, like he punched the top of the car. Mm-mm. He was mad and he punched like a cup of soda and exploded in the car.

That sounds more like abusive.

Yeah.

Now, I remember her specifically because I thought immediately like, oh my gosh, she's in this toxic relationship. What is going on? She's so bubbly and sweet.

Wow, this guy really likes me.

And when I started hearing the details of this relationship, I was like, girl, what is going on?

When we're good, we're really, really, really good and like we get along, you know?

Okay, y'all a cute couple. Y'all cute couple. So what happens when you fight then?

He has called me a bitch before. Yeah, he's called me an idiot. He's like, you're— and like, honestly, most people see him and they're like, he's so composed. Yeah, he's so Sweet, you know?

Sometimes relationships, people will mask what they want you to see and you'll be in a whole relationship where people are being emotionally or physically abusive. And I haven't heard his side of the story, so I don't wanna judge yet. But how long have you two been together?

We've been together for over a year and we've broken up 5, 6 times.

So over a year.

Yeah.

Do you two live together right now? Okay, maybe I like the thing from the side profile. Maybe I like the turtleneck from the side profile. What are y'all feeling? What are y'all like? No? Do you like? 'Cause on the side profile I'm like, okay, but straight up I don't like the turtleneck. Let me get back to her toxic relationship. How many times have you said you've broken up?

5, 6 times.

What makes you go back?

I will be like, "Hey, I wanna see you." Or he'll be like, "I wanna see you.

We'll get back together." So you're saving yourself for marriage?

Yes.

Why was that a choice you wanted to make?

I grew up Christian and it was taught in church, but for me it's more of like, honestly, I have abandonment issues 'cause my dad wasn't in my life. And to me I was like, okay, if I'm gonna be that intimate with a guy, like I wanna be married, I want him to stay in my life forever.

So— And I understand now the abandonment issues.

Yes.

But what are you expecting from a man you date?

Honestly, like I want him to treat me nice. Like I want him to say like, you're beautiful, I love you. Like I care about you. I want him to say how he feels 'cause like I didn't really get that from my dad, you know? Mm-hmm. Like I didn't get that from a father figure, so like, I want a man to really like care for me, you know? I understand. And he has said those things, but then other times he's really angry and then he just yells at me.

Yeah, I hear you.

And—

Here you go.

I didn't think I would cry this fast.

That's okay. It's so sad to see her picking herself apart just because she didn't have this relationship with her father. But that happens to a lot of people, you know, when you don't have a relationship in your life, with someone who's supposed to be there to take care of you, you start to try to seek it in other people. Especially if it's compounded with self-esteem issues, it gets rough and difficult. So I'm seeing why she's accepting this behavior.

I got out the car 'cause I didn't wanna fight in the car and he slams the door, drives off and leaves me there.

So are you worried that Jake is having sex with other women?

Sometimes, like, I have fear because I'm waiting till marriage. He has told me that, "Oh, I wanna have sex." Yeah. But these were my boundaries, so, you know.

Yeah. Do you two engage in anything other than sex? Do you have other like—

Oh yeah, intimacy, yes.

Yes, okay, great. Okay, just, I'm wondering, check. All right, so listen, there's a lot going on here.

Yeah.

I love your vulnerability and how much you've been open, but there is a lot of toxic behavior here from your own words. Yeah. And I'm hearing it as well. But this is just one side of the story. We need to hear the other side of the story.

Okay.

So everyone, I think it's time now to meet Jake, Rebecca's boyfriend. So let's join Jake to the show. Jake, come on out. Come on, take a seat. How you doing, man? Good to meet you. Good, how are you? Yes, good. So I want you to describe your relationship because we heard one side and now it's time to hear your side.

Right, well, You were out here saying a lot of things about what I do. I didn't hear a lot about the things that you do, the things that you do to set me off, the things that you really do that push me over the edge, like how you scream at me, how you chase after me. What is so wrong with me? Yeah, but like all those times when, you know, I really wanna step back and get space and think about things and then you just wanna confront it head on like that. You're not giving me that time I need to recuperate and think about what's going on.

Mm.

So Jake, you describe your relationship as intensely toxic. Right. Wow. That's a lot for you to say, my relationship is intensely toxic and still stay in it. Why do you think it's intensely toxic?

Really just the frequency of the fights, you know? Like, Rebecca and I have been together for like on and off for a year, like a year and a half, and I can't even count the number of fights we've been in.

We do fight a lot.

I just don't think it's healthy.

Well, what are you fighting about exactly? Because I still don't have clarity.

I'll be trying to get away from her. She wants to, you know, she'll be her over something, upset over something, and I'll say like, I need to take a step back from this. But she wants to do it like right then and there.

So you really feel like Rebecca doesn't give you space?

I feel like sometimes I say I need space and she kind of disregards it.

You live in your car, right?

Yeah.

What is hindering you from being able to find an apartment?

Right now I just don't want to. The rents are super high and I just wanna save money.

I actually remember talking to Jake backstage after this and just thinking like, I feel so sorry for you. I just wish I had more time with him just to talk about his issues. He's just a really sweet, sweet guy. Yes, they both have been abusive to each other and yes, there was things that just were toxic, but as individuals and apart, there was a lot of healing that they both needed.

Okay, so first of all, I don't understand why you'd let any man call you out your name. 'Cause I know if I was in a relationship and a man called me a bitch, that would be the end of it, period.

So why do you accept him calling you outta your name?

I don't like it. Like I told him, like, if you call me that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you. And the thing is, the love comes back.

Why do you think that it's okay to be verbally abusive?

For me, I heard a lot of toxic language growing up and it kind of just slips out. I feel like I'm pushed into a corner and I have to like, you know, it just comes out.

Do you know it's wrong?

I do know it's wrong.

Okay then, so it's not that it's just learned behavior, it's a conscious decision.

It's almost like a subconscious thing because I heard so much of it.

Not a conscious thing, I just asked you if you know it's wrong.

I do know it's wrong.

So it's not subconscious. Subconscious would mean I don't know if it's right or wrong and it's slipping out.

I know it's not acceptable.

Okay.

You seem like you're annoying the hell out of Jake. So why are you mad when he throws you out of the car when he's clearly telling you that he needs his space? Well, a lot of times when he does say get out, it's not out of a loving place to me because sometimes we're not done talking and I'm about to cry, like I'm upset, right? A lot of times—

Why don't you just gimme a little bit of, Time. Like, why don't you just get out?

I'm so emotional, I wanna cry so bad in that moment that when you say get out, it's like, maybe you should get outta that car and go for a walk.

But it's my car.

It's my car though.

I know, but it's like, you're not treating me like a human being, you're treating me like a robot. Like, you don't talk to like a girlfriend like that.

That's not how it starts. But in all sincerity, he lives in his car. It's actually, he's asking you to leave his home. And so there's a blurred boundary here that has to be acknowledged because it's not like you're just driving and he's saying, get outta my car. It's like he's saying, this is the only space I have in this world. And so I'm asking you to leave my only space. Can you see that though?

No, I understand that. And like, I do totally understand that, but I, I think I'm getting to a point where I want him to express with words how he's feeling instead of just avoiding.

I'm gonna come back to the stage because I want to actually get into your unhealthy behaviors that I have noticed. So Jake, you're cursing and calling Rebecca names.

Oh.

You just acknowledged it. Curses and calls Rebecca names, has kicked Rebecca. You kicked Rebecca out of your car. You understand it's not just the car and the space, which I get before, but the act of actually trying to say, I'm shutting you out, I'm not gonna communicate with you, is what makes that unhealthy. So it's one thing to be able to say, these are the reasons that I need my space right now, but I don't think you're doing that. So the lack of communication makes this relationship really unhealthy and it keeps you in this spiral because neither of you are talking about what's really going on. And it's also the constant, constant arguments because you're not expressing what you're really feeling. I feel like today I've heard more about what you're feeling when you said to me the word overwhelmed. How often do you tell her that you're overwhelmed?

I do tell her that sometimes.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know if I always do it in the most conducive way to like having good communication, but I do try to communicate that.

You didn't learn how to communicate growing up, did you?

I don't think I learned good communication skills growing up.

Okay, yeah. Now Rebecca, let's take a look at your unhealthy behaviors that we're seeing. Text Jakes 30 times a day. When did the producers talk about it when they talked to you that you said you text a lot? Broke up with Jake 6 times a year.

Oh, he did that actually. I don't know.

Okay, so then let me switch back. Went back 6 times a year.

Oh, right, yeah.

Because you also have a choice in this as well. Just like I said to Jake earlier, it's a conscious choice. You're making a conscious choice to go back to something where you know you're gonna be kicked out of a car, where you know you're gonna be called the B word, where you know you're gonna be treated a certain way. Way. You're making that conscious choice. We talked about it earlier. We understand it's coming from self-esteem issues and abandonment issues, but still you're making that choice to go back, which is very unhealthy. And you have those separation issues, which is why anytime he says he needs space, you start to freak out because space for you means something different than it means for him. Am I right?

I want him to say to me like, I need space right now, but I love you. Like I want him to assure me Because sometimes he has blocked me for 2 days.

Yeah.

And I'm thinking to myself, he doesn't wanna be with me.

All right, so this is what got me this entire thing. Both of y'all describing y'all relationship as toxic, but both of y'all wanna stay. What does that mean? What goes on in our minds that makes us say, we both know it's toxic, but let's stay. Of course we do understand self-esteem issues, past issues, but it's no good. This is not the relationship that you want. You need time to reflect and to grow. You need all of that right now. You're in a space right now where there are so many unhealthy patterns that you learned in your past that you have to figure out how to be able to communicate. You have to be able to reflect with yourself of like why you're in the position you're in right now. Listen, as much as I wanna say like, oh, because rent is too much and because you know you've had a hard time, there's another reason why you're staying in your car. Is because you're unstable right now. And this instability means, is the first sign that you should not be in a relationship. With that instability, you need to find time to take time for you to get stable, get your feet planted. And listen, you're a young man. I believe that maybe in 4 years, 5 years, this could be the woman for you. This could be the woman that you wanna be with. But right now, I'm going to advise you and tell you that you do not need to be in a relationship. You need to be with yourself. You need to figure out your career. You need to figure out what your home life is gonna be. You need to figure out what, who are you as a man? You're speaking two different languages here. You want stability, you wanna be settled, but you're with a man who's still trying to figure out and trying to grow. And the reason you're staying with him is because you're in a space right now where you're scared to be alone. You're scared that his boundaries means that he doesn't want you. You're scared that him saying, "I need space," means that you're not worthy. You know what I mean? You make excuses for him because you've been making excuses for people who have abandoned you or abused you your entire life, right?

Yeah.

And so now you're holding onto anybody who you feel is gonna give you the unconditional love. But the thing, sister, is that you gotta start working on that unconditional love on yourself. Come here, let me do something with you. Come here, come here. I could see clearly that there was a lot going on. And so we had to figure out how can we start to help her to work on herself? So I was like, let's have a little moment backstage, come on.

I feel like I have to keep trying, you know? I have to keep putting in effort.

Because you feel like if you don't put in an effort, people are gonna give up on you.

Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm not worth it, that I'm unlovable. And like, I don't know, Jake has said that before. He's like, he's told me that I'm annoying.

I have no idea how much fun I watch these clips. I look just like my daddy. Ugh, how does that happen overnight? You just start looking like your parents. A mess. But back to her. Do you think you're lovable?

Yeah.

You do?

Like a lot of people actually really enjoy my company and like a lot of people like me. Like sometimes I like just want like to find the right person thinking that that will like fulfill me.

You have to understand that you are loved. Said, "I want to find the right person so that they fulfill me." Let me tell y'all something. Stop looking for somebody else to fill your cup up. You gotta go find your own faucet and turn it on yourself and then fill your own cup. You can't expect people to pour from their cup to pour into yours in order for it to work.

I love that I'm really funny.

Say, Rebecca, I love that you're funny.

Rebecca, I love that you're funny. Rebecca, I love that you're beautiful. Rebecca, I love— I love that you have a really kind heart and that—

Now Rebecca, talk to your dad.

I love you, but I'm kind of pissed off that you weren't there for me.

You're not kind of pissed off.

I'm really pissed off.

I love the fact that right now she's having a moment to sort of connect with herself and understand why she's allowing this behavior to continue. It's based in self-esteem and her abandonment. Rebecca, repeat after me. Look at yourself.

Rebecca.

I deserve love.

I deserve love.

I'm just glad that she had this moment. It's a beautiful moment that we have to remind ourselves that we have to practice our self-esteem daily if we want to have the self-esteem. Self-esteem is something that has to be practiced. Same way you practice saying negative things about yourselves, the same way we have to practice saying positive things about ourselves every single day. When you brush your teeth, Say something positive about yourself. You do not deserve to chase people. You got it?

Yes.

I don't need to chase any man.

I don't need to chase any man.

These are the things that you have to say to yourself. You have to be specific about the things that you're saying to yourself. You don't deserve to have anybody call you out your name. What is your name?

Rebecca.

Say it.

My name is Rebecca.

Not bitch.

Not bitch.

Let me say something. I ain't gonna lie to y'all, we had a very special moment, but after this segment was done, when I went back there, I was like, "Not bitch." The way she said it for me was a kiki, I don't know why. I'm glad that she said it, but when she was like, "Not bitch." I pray that Jake gets help because he deserves a lot of love and support and I really hope he got it. But I hope they're not together anymore 'cause that's just toxic. Hold up, hold up, where are you going? I know you wanna watch more Karamo, so click here to subscribe and click here to watch more so we can keep talking and growing, friends. I love you.