Me & My Ex Need Help Co-Parenting! 🤝🙏| KARAMO

The saying sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Now let's be real, we all know that people's words can hurt, especially if those words can be a trigger for us. Ernasia knows exactly how words can hurt because her ex and co-parent Marcus has a habit of using her trigger words, which causes a strain on their relationship. Please welcome Ernasia. Well, aren't you fly? Come through, suit. Hey, how you doing? What are you doing here? Ernasia, I heard you say that Marcus, your ex who you co-parent with, is someone who uses words to trigger you.

Oh yeah.

All the time.

Yes. I always have to speak my mind. If I don't speak my mind, I feel like you would never really understand how the way I actually feel.

Okay.

So I have to let you know.

And what is his response normally when you speak your mind?

Oh, you're speaking too loud. You need to calm down. And the calming down is a top trigger for me. Like don't tell me to calm down when I'm being passionate about how the way I feel.

And so tell me about your relationship with Marcus then.

So my relationship with Marcus is pretty cool. We co-parenting pretty well. We've been separated for about a year now. Things been A-okay, but it's just the communication with us. At times it can go extremely well when I'm able to get my point across. But then after a while he will tend to say to me, again, calm down or why you talking to me that way? And it could be the simplest things. Help one of the kids with the homeworks, or can you go grab something from the grocery store or anything in that sort? And it's just—

And if you respond, he then will say something crazy.

It's just certain times that I respond that he just take it to another level. Got it.

How long were y'all together?

For about 4 to 5 years now.

Okay then, so it's a while. And how many children do you have together?

2.

Nice, okay.

Yes.

So then tell me, why did you break up? Was it because of the way he—

We just outgrown each other. You know what, Karamo, first though, communication is key. So when things don't actually, go too well when you're communicating with somebody in a relationship, it's like after a while you gotta hang it up.

Yeah, completely.

I mean, friendship, relationship, whatever you wanna call it.

Thank you for knowing that because let me tell you something, how many people I be telling 'em, listen, if the communication not right, figure out a way to move on before you stay and think like that.

For what though if it's not healthy?

Okay, for what though? Let me tell you something, for what though? I'm gonna start saying on this show, every time somebody say, well baby, I love him, but I'm be like, but for what though? That's from you. So tell me about your co-parenting relationship with Marcus.

It's really the communication. It's really the communication.

Oh, look at that.

Yep, those are my babies. Yeah.

Is that Marcus?

Yep, that's Marcus.

I haven't seen him yet, so okay. How long ago was this photo taken?

I wanna say this is where we went to a spot in Jacksonville to do a family trip, maybe about a year ago.

Okay.

I wanna say maybe roughly a year.

So when you two argue, 'cause y'all look so happy here, when you two argue, what does he say?

Sometimes the photos could, listen.

Listen.

Let's talk about it.

About it, okay?

Okay. But the people will be posting these photos and—

But you gotta do, it's not necessarily doing it for the photo, the sake of the kids.

For the kids.

Let's be real. Like, you know what I'm saying? For the sake of the kids, you still don't want them to see the other side of certain things. So you try not to argue, you try not to say certain things, you try to watch the tone. But when I get there, I get there.

Yeah. So what does he say to trigger you?

It's really the calm it down. I'm telling you to do a simple thing far as help Zamir with his homework. You get what I'm saying? I don't know how to do this. You know how to do it. Why can't you just help him? But my tone, I just feel like it just sets the tone for him to say, you need to calm down or you need to stop doing this.

And that just makes you more upset.

Yeah, don't tell me to calm down.

Yeah.

Especially as a Black woman, it just seems like every time you just get labeled like you're too aggressive, you too masculine, you too this, you too that. Like, don't label me like that. When you met me and we had children, You wasn't thinking about the tone then?

I personally hate when people label Black women aggressive, loud, all that stuff.

But we all that and then some.

We all that and then some. But it's the specific labels that we know what that connotation means. So I don't like it.

And I'm not gonna talk, hey, is it okay for you to do this? That's not a part of my character. That's just not me. You get what I'm saying? At this point, I just want you to understand me.

So do you feel like Marcus should know you better?

You should definitely know me better by now. 4 to 5 years and still having to raise these kids?

Yeah.

Come on.

Got it, got it. So how does this affect the co-parenting between you two?

It affects the co-parenting when I have my oldest come and ask me questions as far as in, are you and Daddy okay today? Or why you and Daddy yelling? Y'all mad at each other? Is Daddy able to come over today? Like that affects when the kids actually see certain things and they wonder as well.

Yeah. Makes sense.

Yeah, it makes a lot.

Please everyone help me welcome Marcus to the show. How you doing, man?

How you doing?

Good to meet you. Y'all friends, y'all can say hello to each other. I like y'all playing that tough act because I've already been hearing from backstage that y'all are great co-parents. And for you to be able to co-parent, there has to be a level of friendship and respect there. So I understand, but I do get it. You're in a space right now where you're upset because the things that he's saying to you are taking you off the handle and making you fly off the handle. You feel uncomfortable, you feel like he's putting you down. Why do you think she's aggressive?

It comes from a lot of things. I've seen just from us being in the relationship, from, like I said, her background, from where she's from, her demeanor, just how she, it's almost like a defense mechanism. To protect herself in a certain way.

And you said that you feel misunderstood. Tell me about that.

Oh, how I approach things. I'm very subtle, I'm very laid back. I'm very, my demeanor is very like quiet to myself. I don't really interact too much. But when I express myself and I do express myself, I've always been a subtle person. So a lot of times, 'cause when I do care about somebody, that's usually when my emotions take over. That's usually when I get a little more heightened.

That's when I say a little more, How do your emotions get in the way of you expressing yourself?

So I could be driving and just thinking about what I wanna say and then get in front of her, it's like everything has left my mind. It was like my whole emotion, now I'm expressing myself in a whole different demeanor that I never wanted to in front of y'all.

I've done that before. I gotta tell you how many times I've been in the car practicing what I'm gonna say, what I'm gonna say, and then the minute I get there, it come out all wrong and I'm like, that is not what I practiced in the car. So what happens when you both make a plan to communicate?

Well, I mean, at times, especially early in our relationship, like we know like let's not do certain things in front of people or get into argument in front of people. Like I said, you're not thinking about—

Or do it most of the time?

I'll probably do it most of the time.

Okay.

So you said her attitude goes left. What do you mean by that?

When she's very angry or very like to that point, she will forget who's there, what's going on. And her mind is just, she don't care about what you feel at that moment. She just, On the text message.

So what does she say when she's in that angry state?

Whatever she feel at that moment. I mean, she said things like, "Well, you think you so perfect," or she'll say things though, I'm not gonna get into specifics, but like she might say, "I know things that I could hurt you with, I'm not gonna do that." And she said that, you know, that's bothered me, that's triggered me, and it's like, she's the person that I loved so many years and cared about. It hurts me more than just somebody random in the street.

So what are the concerns you have when it comes to regarding your children? Y'all are co-parenting, y'all not in a relationship no more. So this is not something where y'all trying to figure out how do we stay together? You got these kids.

I want them to be able to protect themselves. The fact that we raising boys in this world where so many of 'em are getting hurt, but I have to be, to show them how to be a man at such a young age. They're not knowing these things and seeing these things. And I don't want 'em to carry theyself in demeanor where they get into altercation where people don't even care, consider what you're feeling and they just attack you or—

So can I ask you something Marcus real quick? I don't mean to interrupt you. So if you, What he just asked you, if you saying about me going left and doing better for both co-parenting, why is that when we have a conversation outside of this moment right now, why do it? Why if you know my triggers, why provoke me? You know what I'm saying?

Like if you going to—

First and foremost, she knows I never do anything intentionally ever to her.

If it's not intentional and you know it—

If emotions is taking over, sometimes you not thinking about what's going on. My thing is if you not realizing, you saying you'll be aggressive, but you might be more heightened than usual, then you have to also take on the aspect that, okay, me saying that is not just to say get in a different demeanor, but just move.

But when you got with me, how long has my tone been like this? How long have my tone been like this?

You could say the first year you didn't really have that tone.

I never had that tone?

I said the first year you didn't have that tone. It was more lovey-dovey stage the first year.

I'm talking about just over in general as my demeanor, as you just stated.

As far as the tone, I mean, you had the Brooklyn in you, the aggression, but I mean, that's what kind of attracted me.

But I'm saying when you get, Oh, so you was attracted to it at one point?

No, I'm not saying it's not attractive. I'm not saying it's not attractive.

As we've already established, you two are triggering each other over and over again. I know we talked about a lot of the things that he says to you that triggers you. I do believe sometimes you probably trigger him. Yeah. Yeah, you know it. So both of y'all get triggered. But the thing is, is that it's not gonna help your children. And I think you both know that. That's why you came for my help. Right. Because at the end of the day, what's gonna happen is that if they see this sort of like name calling and picking at each other, they're just gonna pick that up. And as you said, you don't wanna raise young Black men who are gonna ever find themselves being in more danger than Black men as we already are in this country. First of all, by saying calm down to somebody, you are doing the exact opposite of what you're hoping to do. So I want you to put that in your arsenal right now. Every time you say to her, calm down, just let you know that's actually an invitation for her to not do that, okay? The reason I'm telling you this is because the only way to get over triggers is by understanding how those triggers are actually affecting your communication. It's the same way when she says to you things like, "You think you perfect," it does the exact opposite. It makes you feel less than. Am I correct?

[Speaker] Yeah.

[Speaker] And people don't realize triggers have this effect of what we're saying to the person. It makes you actually wanna do the opposite and start feeling the opposite way. So I think the fact that you could acknowledge that, you don't want her to start getting more in a way that you feel like you can't communicate. So stop saying calm down. And you don't want a man who's helping you raise your children to feel like he has to be less than. Am I correct here?

You right.

When it comes to these kids, you two are on the same side. Y'all on the same side and you know it. That's why y'all been able to navigate this even after the thing, after y'all broke up. But what you gotta do now is next time you start feeling those triggers, you both gotta say, you know what? I am triggered right now. And don't say another word, walk away. Have y'all ever tried that?

Oh, I've walked away.

And what happens?

He likes to fix the issues right on spot on. I'm not a person—

I could already guess that without let me tell you. I could already guess that. You were like the person that's like, no, we're gonna talk it out. We're gonna talk about it.

You can't do that with me.

But see what happens is that if she's telling you that I need to have some time, that's what's actually gonna help her to get to that state where she can calmly talk to you in the way that you need.

With that being said, I had to learn through time to realize that sometimes people need space. Me personally—

You don't need it, I get it. You wanna talk about it right then and there.

I'm not even gonna talk about it. I just want the situation to be handled. The situation to be resolved. I get it.

But in the heat of that moment, you forget that. And what happens is that you then end up invalidating each other's feelings.

Right.

And you don't wanna invalidate each other's feelings because again, the key thing is you're on the same side when it comes to these kids. And she's saying that like, "I don't like when you say this, I'm gonna walk away." And then you're like, "No, we gonna fix this right now." And that's only making it worse. And I don't think you're doing it because you're being malicious. You're doing it because you wanna handle the situation in the moment, but she's not that person.

[Speaker] Well, see, the reason I feel it's like that is 'cause I tend to hold a lot of my pain to myself. She's probably the main person I have expressed a lot of things to that I have told a lot of what I feel. And sometimes I feel like that gets relayed back to me And as a man, you don't wanna feel weak in that, feel weak because you're expressing, 'cause a lot of times that vulnerability—

So can you hear that, what he's saying to you?

Yeah, I definitely understand that, but it's still a, like he elaborated earlier, it's a moment in time for that. When that happens in front of the kids, when that happens just in the grocery store, in the parking lot or something.

What can you do to make sure you don't invalidate his feelings and make sure that you can still be there for him where he knows he can be vulnerable, but he also knows that there's a space there where you're not gonna use what he said to you to throw back at him?

I'm gonna say just being able to actually listen and take heed to what you're saying and not responding in a manner of any emotions that I actually feel within that moment. And don't allow what you've done in the past, far as in triggers that you have said to me, to get the best of me to respond in a different type of way.

Is that enough for you?

I mean—

It gotta be enough.

It don't have to be enough, but I'm just saying that the fact of the matter, That's a start, but it's good for both sides. It's gonna have to be action, me action, as far as walking away.

All I want to hear, all I love is a start, okay? 'Cause listen, we can't solve the relationship of years of years of trauma in one second. But what we can do is I can give you the steps so that you all can start going down that healthy path of not triggering each other. Because at the end of the day, again, y'all on the same side, but y'all gotta stop this triggering. 'Cause at the end of the day, I feel like y'all would have a whole lot of fun if y'all wouldn't have these little petty little arguments.

Yeah, but at the same time, those triggers could go very far.

Thank you.

You know what I'm saying? I get it. They can go very far, especially with having children together.

I get it.

And it can affect them in their relationship as well.

Exactly, and that's what we don't want.

Right.

So if you're both willing to take that first step, I think you'll be good. You willing to take that first step? Yeah, I'm willing to take that first step. You willing to take that first step?

I'm gonna do my best.

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