Mom & Daughter; Estranged For Two Years | KARAMO

All right everyone, so my next guest, Adrienne, says she desperately wants to reconnect with her daughter. She admits to abandoning her in the past, but she says she has done everything in her power to repair the relationship. Please welcome Adrienne to the show. How are you doing?

I'm good.

Good to meet you. How are you?

I'm peaceful.

My pleasure.

You know what?

Amen to that. I'm gonna start saying I'm peaceful, okay? So this is heartbreaking from what I've heard so far. So you haven't talked to your daughter in 2 years?

It's been 2 years, yes.

Tell me what happened.

2 years ago, I was told by my daughter that she did not want me involved with her and my grandson because supposedly I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Why do you say supposedly? Were you or were you not?

Because I have not.

Okay, 'cause you have not, okay.

Yes, sir.

OK, great. OK.

Yes.

So where does she come up with that from?

Well, because of the past. I stumbled. I was introduced to crack cocaine. And of course, it dissolved our family. And unfortunately for me, it was an experience that lasted about 10 years.

Oh, got it. And—

but fortunately for me, I'm still living. And I lived through it. I've been 23 years clean.

Great job. Good job. Do you think your daughter's a good mother?

My daughter is awesome.

Yeah.

With the exception of me not being in her life and the challenges that we are facing. That was my child. I raised Candace.

Yeah.

Her name's Deekah for stage, but nonetheless.

Yeah.

She's my only child and he's my only grandchild.

Yeah. Did you have a close relationship with Deekah when she was growing up?

Yes, we were. I play a flute. And she and I at one point were hoping to be like the Judds.

Ah, mother-daughter duo.

Yes.

I like that. So when she was younger, you left her with her father.

I did.

Why?

Because of my addiction.

So you say that Deekah tries to act like she's the mother.

Yeah.

There you go.

She's always been pretty possessive.

Yeah.

She's always wanted to be possessive of me as if she's the mom.

Okay.

She's very independent, very outspoken, and I tend to take the backseat to her.

Okay. I'm still missing what we think the problem is here.

In her mind, she believes that I was diagnosed as being bipolar.

Got it. I wanna be clear, she will not let you see your grandchild at all?

Right. None whatsoever.

And is it because of the fact that she thinks you're bipolar?

Yes.

Got it. So with this diagnosis, What behaviors does she think you're gonna have that's going to make you think that, you know, that's stopping her from letting you see your grandchild?

I'm uncertain why she feels as if I, first of all, have a diagnosis of being bipolar, and I don't know why she feels I, of all people, would not be good for my only grandson.

Well, I think to really help you all, I need to get to the bottom of this story. I think it's time to talk to your daughter, Deekah, and get her perspective on all this. Everyone, please help me welcome Deekah to the show. Hi, Deekah. How are you doing?

Hey, Karamo. How you doing?

Good. You look great.

I do.

So what do you do? Amen. What do you feel about what you just heard your mother saying?

I feel like it was very entertaining.

Oh.

But she's very good at that. OK. Y'all, thank you.

OK.

Here's the thing. You have a real problem with memory. You have admitted to me before that you have a problem with memory. You seem to forget when you were incarcerated for those 2 years, you came out with a prescription. That's how you had your stuff together so that you could start your little business. You seem to forget that you told me that you had never felt as good as you felt when you were on those pills. You forget that, don't you?

You forget all the emails that you sent me at 11:30 when you're exhausted and your brain is tired and you haven't medicated yourself because you don't feel like mental illness is real for some reason.

You don't believe mental illness is real, do you?

May I please interject? Here's the biggest problem. My daughter, Candace, won't leave well enough alone.

What you are is wrapped up in titles, and that's the problem. Exactly. She swears, oh, respect, respect, respect.

Baby, you got to earn respect. I am an adult, Candy. Are you an adult? Bring it down a few notches. I am what, an adult? Bring it down a few notches. Okay, okay. This is why I can't see my grandchild. You need to work on you. How am I supposed to reason with a person who has one opinion at 3 o'clock and then has something totally different to say at midnight?

We don't even talk to each other.

She's talking 20 years ago, people. No, sweetheart, I'm talking 20 years ago when I was about to get a restraining order against you. You went back and removed my son from his friend's house two doors down without asking me. That's kidnapping, Adrian, regardless of whether or not you think you are a responsible adult. You do not act like a responsible adult. You go off and improvise.

I see that there's a lot of pain.

This is what I go through.

There's pain, there's pain.

There's a lot of pain.

But I wanna know something, 'cause I need to know what happened two years ago. What happened with your child?

2 years ago, I was going through a divorce. Hi, did you see how he asked me and was looking at me? No, I really wasn't paying attention to who he was looking at.

This is a conversation. But it's my child, Mike.

And there's more than one person here.

The words he used, and this is where we have a problem, because words mean something different to you than they do to everybody else. The question was, what happened to my child?

Don't forget what I said about her wanting to be the mother. Always.

Because I'm the one who has understanding.

No, that's not true.

I don't want to be the mother.

That is not—

You have always put me in that position. But it's your own perception, man. You have made decisions based on what you wanna do in the moment. You need to bring it down a few notches and realize that you are the daughter. You my daughter, you ain't my mama. That has been your problem all along. Baby, I never wanted to be your mama because I would've raised you better than she did.

You figure out what's wrong, Candace.

I am trying to do all I can.

How was your relationship growing up? How was your relationship growing up?

Up until I was about 9, it was cool.

What happened at 9?

Real life starts happening and—

Her father introduced me to drugs, that's what happened. To break up our family, which she fails to realize.

But here we are 20 years later, still talking about the same stuff because grown people don't go to rehab.

Because we have children. Because grown people like you don't believe in mental illness and you don't go handle your trauma. So the rest of us have to hear you tell the same stories over and over again because you won't go pay a therapist to listen.

So what issues have you had with your mother regarding your son? I heard you say that she picked him up once.

Yes, she's picked him up most recently, which is why I, I finally had to put my foot down because I had told her very clearly, I wish I still had the text messages, but I told her in very, very clear terms that if you are not going to get help for yourself, then you don't need to be around me and my son.

You said when she came outta jail that they gave her a prescription.

She had a prescription.

Yes.

I don't know why she would have a bottle with her name on it and pills if she didn't actually have a prescription.

I've never had a diagnosis. Of by being bipolar. Candace's problem is that she wants attention. All right, that's her problem.

That's her problem.

And she wants it all to seem like it's me so that it can be as if she's free as a bird. She wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.

So can we remove her from the stage so I can get my money?

She needs to get it right. It's not just her.

I'm hearing both of this.

It's my grandson. She's so stuck on her, she's stuck in the past on what happened. What are we doing now?

You were in the hospital recently Did you visit her?

No.

What were you in the hospital for?

For my heart.

Okay.

She didn't even consider me on my dying bed, less than 3 weeks ago.

Yeah, right.

No, it's not, because that's my abuser.

Whatever.

That's my abuser.

She could've had a better life. But if I had the email from her high school, me and all my friends all kind of, F word. She doesn't blame her father for any of this. 'Cause you've been beating me down for so long. I've been beating you down? You're such a victim, Adrian.

I got a question for you.

Yeah, sure.

You said you are a victim.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think that your daughter's a victim?

Definitely.

In what way?

From being abused during the relationship that my ex-husband and I had. Abused in the night?

You violating my boundaries over and over and over and over and over and over and over again that I've set for you.

I'm serious, drugs, because of her father, which ruined our family. That was the very beginning.

How long was your father addicted to drugs?

For about 14 years.

14 years.

Yeah.

And so he got sober before you?

Yes.

You don't call her mother, you call her Adrianne, why?

Because she hasn't been a mother to me in years.

She hasn't allowed me to be her mother in years.

Every time I've given her a chance.

She hasn't allowed me to be her mother.

How do you feel about your mother right now?

I feel like she has everyone in the palm of her hand right now. I feel like she has played y'all like a fiddle.

And if I was on drugs, broke down, in prison, then she'd be happy with that.

And that's the problem. She thinks that she has to do a lot for there to be something wrong with her and the way that she relates. But that's not it.

So is there anything in your opinion that you think you could do, Deekah, to salvage this relationship?

The 3 things that she would have to do is seek professional help, Stay away until I say so and take some medication.

The thing with children of addicts is that one of the biggest things is that they need to set boundaries. She's an adult now saying, I don't feel safe and secure around you because of our childhood. But you have to acknowledge that the years of pain, there is almost 15 years of pain that she has went through. That literally though you've done the work, she is still trying to heal from that pain. And she is telling you directly that the reason that I cannot call you mom is because I didn't feel like you were my mother. Reason that she doesn't want your grandson around you is because again, she's trying to figure out, is he gonna be safe? It all is in line. So even though I do believe in your heart of hearts You want a relationship with her, you wanna mend this. I'm here to be a mirror for you right now and say your actions are actually doing the exact opposite.

I get it.

You see that cycle there? She needs to feel safe. And when she calls you, she's saying that you might be diagnosed with bipolar, it's because she's trying to find something to say this make, to help her make sense in her mind of what's going on. You could have been diagnosed bipolar when you got out. I'm not calling you a liar.

I know.

But I'm also saying that the reason that you're really trying to make sure that you find that out is because it gives her understanding of like, why has my mother been like this to me my entire life?

Why would anybody's mother be like this to them ever?

You know I see you.

I know you do.

I see you.

I know.

Did you hear what I just said? Did you disagree with anything I said?

No.

But you both have to acknowledge what part you're playing in this world right now. Do you want your daughter to feel safe?

God, yes.

I know you do. Can you tell her, "I want you to feel safe"?

Deekah, I want you to feel safe.

And can you say, "I'm sorry that I didn't make you feel safe"?

Honestly, I really do feel bad that I've not made you feel safe.

And even to this day, I know that I'm not making you feel safe.

All of your life, to this day, that I've not been able to make you feel safe. I don't feel safe.

It's okay that you gonna need time. I get it. But at least she now understands and has the language that your boundaries is not you pushing away. Your boundaries is saying, I need to figure out if I'm safe around you. This is what I would say. One of her demands was to see a doctor to clarify bipolar. Can you do that with her?

That would be a blessing.

Would you be willing to get her to get this diagnosis so we can see, so you get the answers you need?

Yeah.

You gotta give her time and I will be there to support y'all. She's gonna make some steps and I believe you're gonna make some steps too. I'm looking at the pain in both y'all and I know this can be healed. I know it can be healed. I know it can. Do you believe?

I believe you.

I believe. I believe in you. That's the reason I know it can be healed and I believe in you too. And I'll do whatever I need to do to support y'all. Please. Karamo, hold on. Where you going? I'll tell you where you're going. Right here to subscribe and right here to watch more.

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