Mom I'm Only 14, Stop Screaming At Me! | KARAMO

My guest Ocean says her 14-year-old daughter Thomasina mouths off, is always disrespectful, and constantly gets into trouble at school. Ocean fears she's losing her daughter and is looking for my help to get her back. Please welcome Ocean to the show so we can hear her side of the story. Can I have a hug? Nice to meet you. You so pretty. Nice to meet you. Thank you for being here.

Yes.

Yes, come on.

Help me save my baby.

I will, I got you. We're gonna do the best we can. So tell me what's going on with your daughter?

What ain't?

Please.

She don't listen. She come in when she want to.

Oh.

You know, she's just grown. She's too damn grown.

Too dang grown.

That's the problem.

So when did things start to change?

Well, maybe 2 months ago.

2 months ago.

Previous, like 2 months ago. You know, I had relocated and I had, Got married and separated and a lot of little things started going on right here. So I started seeing everything change. We don't even talk.

Oh, at all?

If we talk, she arguing with me consistently. I mean, it's like we going to war.

Yeah.

I'm tired of this. I'm trying to pull you back. I ain't trying to hurt you. I love you. You my own daughter girl. You know what I mean?

My baby. Yeah. And she 14 now, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, that age.

Scared.

Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah.

Don't never want to come straight home from school. She be turning off the phone. You know what I'm saying? This is scary out here in this world we living in.

Did you used to have a good relationship with her?

Yeah, we was tight. You know what I mean? It's like I don't have money. She wants to go here, she wants to go there. I don't have the money, the funds to do things like that right at this moment.

Yeah, makes sense.

Little things I do with you, but I don't ask you for much.

Yeah, she's the only daughter, right?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't take this.

Only daughter. And I'm sad that you feeling this way right now.

Yeah, I'm sad. You know, we was sitting back then, I'm arguing with you for nothing.

Oh, so you was even arguing backstage?

No, we already, yeah, we goes and we gets into every little thing.

Yeah. What's she like in school?

Well, she was messing up terrible before, but now she's getting it together. She just got in high school.

Okay.

So she's pulling it up. You know, her grades are looking kind of good, so I ain't gonna, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm happy though.

Yeah, but they're better.

Better than what it was.

Better than what it was, okay then.

Just started.

How often were you getting calls from her school last year?

Every day.

Every day?

Middle school, every day.

Middle school, every day?

Yeah.

What would they say her issue was?

Oh, she wants to walk out the classroom when she feel like it. You know, it's another grown move with her. It's consistently.

Walk out, walk out. She wanna walk out.

Mm-hmm. It's a hall pass. That's what that's called.

Got it.

Back home and never come back.

Got it, got it, got it. Do you think you're protective of her?

I know I am.

Good.

I got no other choice.

Yeah, yeah.

No other choice.

'Cause it's your girl.

Yeah.

You gotta make sure she good. Yeah. So what are your main issues with her?

The attitude. We can't talk at all. I just want us to get back together. I just want us here, you know?

Yeah, you just wanna talk.

That's all, man. That's all I want from you. I don't ask much. Like I said, I don't ask my daughter for much. Work with me.

Yeah.

And I got you.

Yeah. But you don't feel like she's even doing that. Yeah.

Feel like I'm losing.

How often do you argue?

Every day.

Every day?

Every day.

Every day.

She says I talk too loud. But you 14. I've been talking like this for your whole life. What is she talking about, I talk too loud?

Yeah.

You know, this is how I talk.

Yeah.

Like I'm offending her or something. How is that?

But also, I don't think I ever was able to tell my mother she talked too loud.

That's what she—

There you go. That's disrespectful.

Yeah, that's right. Disrespectful.

What was your relationship like with your mother?

I was real close to my mother.

Really close?

Really close.

That makes sense.

And she had passed away and I didn't know I was pregnant with my angel right here. Okay, so I thought my mom's spirit is right here.

Yeah.

It's another thing that holds me so tight with my baby, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Man, she was a great woman.

'Cause you had that great relationship with your mother and so you know what it could be like to have a mother-daughter relationship that's tight.

Right.

Yeah.

I miss that. I see my mom in my baby, you know?

Yeah.

That's real.

You tired of arguing?

I'm tired.

Yeah. Well, I think it's time to hear Thomasina's side of the story. So everyone please welcome Thomasina to the show. Let me go talk to her real quick. Let me go talk. I'll be right back. Thomasina, how you doing?

I'm doing good.

Can I have a hug? Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So how you feeling?

I'm just tired of arguing. I'm tired of the yelling and just the disrespect in general.

You feel like your mother disrespects you?

Sometimes.

How?

The name, you know, just—

What do you mean the name?

Like, you know, the B word is just—

You mean she calls you the B word? She does? And how many times that happen?

Like, she gets like outrageous. She raised her tone and says, "Oh, this, that, and the third," you know?

And then it just gets to that and then it's just like, Okay, got it, got it. Well, come on, let's come on here and let's talk some more about this. We're gonna slow down.

All I want is my daughter back. So I don't know what is you talking about. I just want you back. What's the problem? What's your problem with me?

There's no problem.

There gotta be a problem.

It's gotta be something.

What do you think it is? Do you feel like things have changed? Do you feel like you've changed?

Mm-hmm.

Well, how do you feel like things have changed?

I feel like I grew up and just grew out of—

14 years old, you just grew up, right?

Yeah.

Right. You gotta say something better than me with that. Came here for a reason.

What do you think your biggest issue is with your mother?

Well, I feel like the biggest issue is when she yells, raises her tone, and then it just feels like Like I'll go to talk to her and then it's like, oh, either she don't wanna be bothered or I don't know.

She don't wanna be bothered? What?

What? You feel like she doesn't wanna be bothered?

I don't wanna be bothered. What do you mean I don't wanna be bothered?

You don't wanna be watching?

You the one that don't pay me no mind.

What do you?

You always tell me, here we go. Go ahead.

What do you be talking about?

I talk, but you don't wanna listen 'cause you tell me I talk about nothing. That's what you tell me.

What do you be talking?

I be trying to say something. Do you tell your mother she doesn't talk about anything? You said she's not talking about nothing?

I told her that yesterday.

You told her that yesterday?

Yesterday.

You understand how that's disrespectful though, right? You understand how that's disrespectful though, right? Mm-hmm. So then why would you say it? Why would you say it?

If I'm coming to you and you not listening to me, so what?

So you feel like she doesn't listen to you?

Everything she do and interests is me. So what are you talking about?

Okay. Like I'll come home, right? Oh, it's not, how was your day? Well, how was school? When's the last time you asked me that?

2 weeks ago. Wow.

So you feel like your buddy is not, she doesn't ask you about school?

It's not just that.

Okay, what else?

Even like in the morning, I'm getting up, you wanna talk. You wanna talk when I'm just getting up. Who wanna be talked to when they just getting waken up and in their sleep?

Thank God you woke up.

All right, I think not.

Thank God.

What are you talking about? Come on, man.

Are you serious?

Wow. Got it. And when your mother's talking to you in the morning when you just wake up, what do you say to her?

It's like, I don't say nothing. I don't say nothing. I don't say nothing. But it's like, who wanna, like, you don't even like when I wake you up outta your sleep. So what makes you think I wanna be woke up outta my sleep?

See, on a weekday, I have to wake you up. I does that. Do you want breakfast? I'll make you breakfast. Or when you come home, you wanna eat. Why you always think somebody wanna eat all the time? Why you always think that? That's what you say all the time. Why you always want me to eat?

No, I'm just saying.

That's what you say to me all the time. All the time.

Like I'm bothering her. You ask the same question over and over and over.

What else I'm supposed to ask you then?

You wanna eat? Oh, every 5 minutes. I know how to get up and go in the refrigerator.

I never said you didn't.

I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

You say your mom talks to you like one of your friends and not your mother. What you mean?

Like telling me problems.

So you mean like she tells you her personal problems? She tells you the financial problems? What is she telling you? She's saying the problem with her relationships?

All the problems.

And what do you feel when she tries to talk to you about that?

What do you want me to do about that?

Well, I didn't realize that's how you was feeling. I know I just spread out sometimes and I'm mentally and you know, just, I'm not doing it deliberate, you know? I apologize. That's not what I'm trying to do at all.

I just got that thinking.

I know, I know. Is that what you're thinking? What are you thinking then when she tells you? You just like saying you don't wanna hear it.

Yeah, I just don't wanna hear it, like, you know, you know.

I'm your mother.

Sorry.

Am I saying something wrong?

You really want my opinion? Okay. I think that as a young person, you right now trying to figure out yourself and trying to create boundaries. And I think that you're trying to figure out what I like, what I don't like. But I think sometimes when we're doing that as young people, we don't realize that in creating those boundaries, we still don't know how to do them properly. And the words we say can be hurtful. Because I tell you, you know, like, You're young now. And so we take for granted when we're young, some of the relationships we have, we take for granted, like the people who are always there, the people that always show up. You take for granted, you know, I did. Everybody in this room did. And then you're wishing that they were there. But I also understand— let me tell you this. I also understand that as a young person, you're trying to figure out, like, how do I assert myself? And you deserve to figure out your boundaries. But I do think there's a way you could do it better. Why was your grades bad in middle school and now they're better?

Because like, I didn't really care 'cause I just wanted to have fun in school 'cause obviously it was no fun at home. So, 'cause I heard like when you go to apply for a job, they don't ask you about middle school, they ask you about high school. So I'm like, you know, they don't ask about that. So they ask about the high school diploma. So I'm like, okay, so this don't really matter, but I'ma still pay attention 'cause I need to know it.

[Speaker:KARAMO] So now in high school you're paying more attention. That's why she said your grades are better. That's what I mean, the intelligence. You're smart. And so I also know that you're at a place right now where you're smart enough to know that like you play a part in this arguing. You know that if you want a peaceful home that you can figure out how to get it. And I'm not putting the responsibility on you as a kid because that's not your responsibility. I'm gonna talk to your mother and figure out, because I understand as well, your mother has a tone. Do you miss the relationship you had with your mom?

Yeah.

What would a healthy relationship look like for you? Because I don't think sometimes people ask kids that.

Just less arguing. Like, yeah, we can have disagreements about stuff sometimes, 'cause you know, but not all the time we have to argue about the littlest things. It doesn't have to be back and forth about this, that, and the third. We could, you know, less arguing and, you know.

But I'm gonna ask you again because I said I said this earlier, just like you smart enough about middle school and high school, you see how you play a part in that as well, right? Because you know that your mother's a strong woman and she's not gonna tolerate disrespect. So when you say things like, "I ain't gonna talk to you, I'm not gonna do this, I'm not gonna," what do you think she gonna do? You think she's just gonna, that's not a woman that's gonna roll over. That's not a woman that's just gonna say, "Okay." When was the last time you hugged your mom and said, "I love you"?

Wow.

How does that make you feel?

I don't know.

In a space of indifference. Indifference normally means hurt, whether you know it or not. Would you like to hug your mom? Yeah. Okay. So this is the first thing I'm gonna do. When your mother comes back out here, can you ask your mother for a hug? Okay. And I'm gonna use that as the first step in y'all starting to, for your mother to hear you, but you also to hear your mother, okay? All right.

I don't know why you lying like that. You said I do not tell you I love you. I don't know why you lie like that. I always tell you I love you, baby. So don't say I don't.

Did I say that?

No. Yeah, you did say that.

Did I say that?

I did hear that. You did say that.

I said.

When the last time I told you I love you? I tell you I love you every day.

Did I say that?

You just told.

Did he say that?

I just heard you say that out your mouth. I know I'm not hearing anything. I might be blind, but I ain't deaf. He asked her when's the last time she told you two. Oh, I said it all, okay. When is the last time? I tell you every day.

No, I'm saying you tell me.

Whoa. So hold on. Whoa. Hold on, hold on, because I'm gonna tell you something. This is what we just talked about before you came out here. And I see now, I saw it.

Okay?

Yeah. Okay, so I'm the problem.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because she admitted. She admitted she's disrespectful sometimes she said it, so I don't want to even play this. She's smart enough. You owned your piece, did you not? You owned your piece. But your daughter also says she doesn't know when the last time she hugged you. I asked her the first thing she could do if she could hug you. When I came out and I saw what happened, she was open to it. And then she shut down and so. I love you.

Come on, get that out.

Bring it in, baby.

This is a moment where y'all gotta slow down. And in those moments where y'all start to find yourself arguing, y'all gotta have some word that y'all use as a moment to say, can we reflect on what was just said? This is how you break cycles.

Oh, we gonna try that, baby.

All right, how about this for now? How about you just say Karamo?

All right.

I'll go with that. You say Karamo. And all you gotta do is say, "Hey, remember what happened there? Give me a moment to talk and mom, you get a moment." Okay. And that can just be your moment just to calm down so that you don't get there.

All right.

And then in that moment when y'all come back together, do what y'all did here and hug. Because at the end of the day, she's still 14 and she still love you. I just saw that smile come over your face. Do you love your mother?

Yeah.

Tell your mother that you love your mother.

I love you.

Can I do my smirk like this?

That's a 14-year-old, I love you. I mean, I can't be mad at it. I can't be mad at it. You understand? But there is growth here that needs to happen. Right. But both of y'all gotta take that step. And I saw the step. You realize it today and you take a big step, but I think you're willing to take the step too. Are you willing to take the step to have a better relationship?

Yes.

All right then, so when y'all get into it and y'all start to argue, what you gonna say?

Karamo.

Perfect, there we go, there we go.

I thank you so much.

You're welcome, man, you're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome.

We got this.

Good luck, y'all. Y'all gonna be all right, all right, all right. Stay with us, friends. We'll be right back with more.