Mom, the Day You Abandoned Me Still Hurts! | KARAMO

What was your experience like in foster care?

I was bullied. My hair was falling out. My grandma took pictures of bald spots.

There's a lot of pain and trauma. So I know you got outta foster care and you finally went back home. What made you leave home at 15?

I left because originally me and my mom had agreement. I sat her down, I said, stuff going on in the house. I can't deal anymore. And I wanna graduate high school. Every weekend I would go over to my grandmother's.

Yes.

And I would do homework. And this one particular night, my mom called my uncle and told my uncle not to come. Didn't let me know. So I was just sitting there waiting for hours. So I had made up a plan. She didn't care about whether I graduated high school, so I don't give a shit. I bundled up, bought 7 outfits and my laptop and put it in a trash bag and left that night.

Yeah.

And I never came back.

And you moved in with your grandmother at that time. And how was it living with your grandmother?

My mom had distanced me from my grandmother and I didn't know my grandfather had cancer.

All right, so it has been 15 years since you've had a conversation with your mom. I wanna know what is the one thing you want from her today?

I want to tell her everything that I didn't get a chance to tell her.

So you just needed her to hear you, that's it?

Yeah.

You don't need anything past that?

And I've struggled throughout my childhood for her to listen to me. 'Cause I used to sit down and tell her like, "Hey, I really want you to change. I don't want temporary fix." And right now, being a mother of my own, I just want to feel complete.

I know your mother was on drugs for many years. How many years of your life was she on drugs?

I would say for all of it.

All of it. And how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm 24.

So 24. So at least 24 years plus she's been on drugs. Do you still think she's using today?

Yeah.

You do still think she's using today. Has she ever made an effort during that time of 25 years to reconnect with you?

I would say yes and no, just because during the time when I left, first left, I cut all contact from my mom.

Has she, your mom, never been involved in your daughter's life at all?

My daughter is 1 and I would say she hasn't really seen her over 5 times. My mom was not there at my baby shower. She wasn't there at the first, I didn't really even wanna tell her I was pregnant.

Yeah.

Because I figured like she wouldn't care.

Does she have a relationship with you? Does your daughter have a relationship with your grandmother?

Yes.

Does your mother have a relationship with her mother, your grandmother?

Not really. My grandmom is the one who really is the mediator between me and my mother.

I understand. What are the 3 things that you want your mom to hear you about today?

I wanna have a mother to mother conversation with her. And I also wanna have a daughter to mother conversation with her. Certain things that I witnessed as a child, I should not have witnessed.

So that's a good thing. So you want her to know things I witnessed, I shouldn't have.

Things that I've gone through and things The situations that she had put me in with the men that she was dealing with, she put our children at risk. I want her to know that that's mother to mother, that is not okay and I'm not going to do that to my daughter.

What is the second thing you want her to know?

I want her to know as a daughter, the life that she lived affected me.

In what way? A little clarity.

In what way? Emotionally, I was depressed. I didn't have guidance like I should've. Like I didn't even have, being a mother now is so much things that I, like my grandma had to apologize to me because she didn't know that I didn't know certain things as a woman.

Because you didn't have the guidance.

Exactly.

Yeah.

It's not my fault for not knowing. But now that I do know, I'm going to teach my daughter.

Yeah. Yes. Give it up for that. So. Give it up.

I don't want my daughter to ever feel like she's alone.

What is the third thing you want her to know?

Just because you have a parent does not mean you be a parent.

So I wanna know what Haneefa's mother Sarita has to say about all this. Everyone please help me welcome Sarita to the show.

I've had a very traumatic life and my daughter has to understand that I didn't ask for my life to be like that. There were things that happened to me that I had no jurisdiction over would cause a lapse in having a relationship with her. I'm grateful that my mother, even though she had an addiction.

Your mother was addicted to drugs?

Yes, sir.

How long was she addicted?

Over 21 years or so.

Yes. So for the majority of your childhood, you grew up in a household where your mother was addicted to drugs?

Yes, sir.

Got it. When did you start using drugs?

Oh, I started at a young age, about 15. I truly apologize to her for some of the things that she had to go through, but I never wanted her not to be educated. That's something that I always fought for. I always—

Yo, you is really funny right now.

Excuse me, you spoke. Give me respect. I am your mother now.

Now you wanna use that title.

If you wanna rekindle a relationship, you brought me here to try to embarrass me, you're embarrassing yourself.

No, I did not come here to embarrass you.

I've established a lot with myself.

But I want you to be real. You talking about yourself. My whole childhood you talking about yourself, bro. And you don't give a shit.

It's not my fault.

I don't care.

You're not gonna fault me for that. That's like the magic bullet. I'm not biting the magic bullet.

You are the only parent in the house, bro.

I'm soulbound.

I'm not my own parent.

You're the only parent in the house. That's why I gotta do the shit I gotta do for my daughter. My brother was murdered and you're not gonna tell me that I was robbed at gunpoint.

Why?

Why you talking about yourself, bro?

'Cause you think you're being selfish right now.

How?

'Cause you're screaming at me. You should respect me.

Let her take a moment. We can have a conversation 'cause it's the pain. It's pain. So what I wanna do first of all is because I'm, again, I think the thing we forget about when you have mother-daughter relationships is first I wanna go ahead and acknowledge everything you just said. You told me that you wanted her to hear you and wanted you to have a moment.

Grandmom apologized to you.

I never went into— Over, over 20-something years ago. I never went into my mother's face screaming at her. At my mother cursing at her.

Where's your apology?

In front of a national audience.

Where's your apology? Where's your accountability? There is respect.

Where is that?

Where is that?

You're still in denial and delusion.

I have a condition.

I'm trying not to get angry.

I'm gonna step up because I cannot.

You should have been stepping up.

I'm gonna step up and stand on the side because I'm not gonna allow my child to smack her hands in my face and curse at me. Here you go with that. Because I never took and cursed at her one time. And I think I deserve more respect than what she's given me.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna listen.

Basically, I'm doing a lot, way less than the behavior you displayed to me.

Hanifa, I know you're angry right now, but you said, I asked you what you want from your mom and you said you want her to hear you. Your daughter needs you just to hear her. She needs you to hear 3 things. She needs you to hear that she feels like you put her at risk. She needs you to hear that she had a hard life, which is causing her to feel depressed. And she also wants you to know that she didn't deserve this. You said when you got with your grandmother, your grandmother had to apologize to you because there was things as a woman you didn't know how to do. I'm gonna just tell you this right here, and this is not an excuse. She did not know how to do it. So in your mind, you know how to do it now. So you're looking at her of like, How is it that you didn't know how to do this? How is it that you did not know how to do this for me? She didn't know. You deserve to have it done.

See, that's where I'm saying again, like I understand, like she didn't know, but it's just like the love for my child, I got so much more than to damage her.

I know.

I'd rather cry it out, even through postpartum, I'd rather cry that shit out.

I know.

To hurt my baby.

I know, I know, I get it. I get it, I understand.

And that's why I'm saying like, I understand her pain, but now it's time to talk about my pain, what the fuck I went through.

You never experienced using a drug? Have you ever experienced a use of any drug?

I smoke weed for my anxiety.

Okay.

That's the only thing I do 'cause I dare not touch another thing looking at you.

So what makes you think you better than me? You said you never used drugs.

Because I'm doing a job for my daughter, that's why.

My daughter can, I can stand and say that I watch my daughter walk.

Can you stand and say that you watch me walk?

Well, I couldn't walk.

Okay then.

I couldn't walk. I had to walk with the PT brace.

Okay then, don't go there, don't go there.

The reason is that question is that because the drugs, the reason I'm bringing this up again is the reason about the drugs is because she was in a cloud and I get the love you have for your daughter and I get Listen, it's going to take years for you to understand that your mother was in a cloud and that's why she couldn't give you what you deserve.

No, I do under— Like, I do understand that.

Okay, so let me use different language. Let me use different language. It's going to have to take you years to feel in your heart. You are a smart woman. I know you understand, but there's something when the mind and the heart don't connect and that's what's going on. I'm telling you. And you're right for your pain.

It's like, You were in pain. Why inflict that on me knowing that you were in pain and damaging your child?

Stop right there, stop right there. I know you've done it before, I know you've done it before, but can right now you acknowledge to your child, I'm sorry that I inflicted this pain on you?

I wouldn't be here.

I know, but tell her. I know, I know.

And this is hard to be in front of someone or these people here with someone Sincerity. But tell her. My sincerity is for my present.

But why you tell her all this?

My sincerity is my future. I cannot apologize for my past. You know why I can't apologize for my past? 'Cause pain upon affliction causes addiction. I never meant to inflict any pain on her. I truly apologize if you feel some type of way about what I was traumatized about and how it may have been a reflection on you. Because I—

That's your apology? Only, I only could—

I only could— supposed to do, get on the knee?

Just say I'm sorry, bro.

Can you just say sorry?

What the hell? Not good. Sorry's not good. I apologize, cuz I can never be sorry because God put me here to be in front of you right now for my future, not my past.

All right, whatever. I ain't even going to accept no apology cuz you ain't giving them Well, obviously. I'm gonna just gonna move past it.

Yes. Unfortunately, in this moment, I do agree with your daughter because I was hoping to give you an opportunity to just acknowledge what she said to me. She just wants acknowledgement. That's it. And as parents, even in our darkest moments when we have clarity, and you have clarity today, that's when we have to step up and just give acknowledgement. And sometimes an acknowledgement, an apology, is really a great first step. And I understand that you have this wall built up and these things going on that you can't go there, but until you're able to go there, she's gonna have to, she's gonna continue to feel this pain.

And I'm going to remove you from my life.

It's a lot of self—

And my daughter's going to—

I was already removed. There's a lot of selfishness. There's a lot of selfishness and control. I cannot be controlled or feel like somebody is trying to make me— But remove me with Things that they're not challenged with.

Okay, got it. Listen.

She have not yet to feel how it feels to try to eat food and still be hungry and can't chew enough to suffice hunger, okay?

So this is what I say. I really thank you so much for coming on the show. I appreciate you so much for telling me your side. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, have a good one now. I'm gonna talk to her. Thank you so much, seriously. Yeah. So listen, I asked your mom to leave because I, I saw what you're going through. You already set the boundary of we're not talking no more. You don't have her in your life. And I think that's a healthy boundary for you to have right now. That is a very healthy boundary for you.

But I don't want to go back to being angry because I don't have the mother and my daughter doesn't have the grandmother.

But let me tell you, but listen, no, no, no, no, no.

So it's like I bounce between the 15-year-old being angry and the grown woman me.

Yeah, so let me tell you how you help that. In your mind, you have to grieve the mother that you needed. Because the thing is, you're gonna keep toggling back and forth between being this grown woman who's trying her best and that 15-year-old girl until you grieve that relationship. That relationship has died. And until she's able to take steps to give you what you need, you have to grieve that relationship while also focusing on your boundaries. That's what's going to heal you. I tried to give you the healing from your mother, but unfortunately she's not in a space still to give you that. We witnessed it. When you lose something and you're like, "Oh man, I'm pissed, I'm sad," the first day and the second day you're like, "Well—" It's just hard. I know, it is. And it's a process.

'Cause it's the only, my grandma, she's my rock.

I know, but no, that's a lie. That's not, she's not your rock. You are your own rock. Don't fool yourself. And this is the truth. Don't fool yourself into believing that somebody outside of you is your rock. You are your own rock. I heard it when you said at 15, I made the decision to leave. You have always been your own rock. And so don't ever put that external because it takes away from your own strength and from the fact that you've always tried to do the best for yourself.

I'm just tired of being disappointed by her. Yeah, grieve it.

Instead of saying, I'm tired of being disappointed, say, I'm no longer disappointed. Change the language. Grieve that relationship. It died already. Set clearer boundaries and also remind yourself that I am my own rock. I always have been, you hear me? Those are the steps that I can tell you that's gonna allow you. So just remind me again, what you gonna do when you leave the show?

Free the relationship so I can heal.

Then what you gonna do?

I'm gonna shut the door and leave it there.

Boom. And then what you gonna do next? Set boundaries. Great. And then the third thing is?

And be my own rock.

Remind yourself that you always been. Hold on, where you going? I'll tell you where you're going. Right here to subscribe and right here to watch more. Period.