Mom, We Need You To Be Sober! | KARAMO

Okay, so everything all started, my, okay, I'm sorry.

No, no worries.

I didn't wanna cry, but I'm really here to break this generational curse between my family.

Here you go, love.

I'm so sorry.

No worries at all.

Because I was so ready, but it's like, when I get up here, it's like.

You holding it in?

Yeah.

Let it out, it's okay. I'm so sorry. No, you don't ever apologize for emotions on this stage.

Okay?

And that's heavy. You know, people forget that when we are the generation that wants to break those curses, It's a lot of pressure on us.

It really is.

So what happened? So you take in your sister and you see her exhibiting behavior that you're like, I gotta break.

Yeah, so she reached out to me when she was 13 at the time and basically just said, I'm not happy where I'm at. My relatives are beating me. I'm getting touched in the home and I just need to get outta here and stuff like that. And I just, I didn't even question it. I just took her word and I just, ran to her rescue and basically to give her a new life. Um, I just felt she just took advantage of me in the situation, you know, just, you know, like, it's like she got what she wanted. She really wanted to get away from her, um, aunt at the time to come live with me because I felt like she looked at me like, oh, this is my sister, she's gonna, um, basically let me do what I want to do. It's not going to be any rules, you know, because me and her did have like, you know, a relationship where it was playful. I really wasn't like strict on her or anything. 'Cause I'm big sister. But in that role, I realized like, you know, I can't be your sister. I kind of got to like step up and try to like be like a mother role to her. So it was like, it wasn't all fun and games. Like I was like, you know, giving her, you know, repercussions behind like her actions and stuff like that. So like the first week of school, she goes to school and she gets into a fight. It was like I was just seeing a new side of her. Like she just would just do what she wanna do, you know?

And how's it been since she moved in with you? Has it also been hectic?

Well—

Not outside of, not just school, but in the house too?

Yes, in the house at the time, 'cause she's no longer living with me now. I just felt like she just didn't wanna listen to me. Like she just didn't care about, you know, respecting the house. I asked her to do stuff like, you know, just clean up, take the trash out or something on the way out the door and stuff like that. It don't get done. But it's just like a lack of just, a care, you know, just like, you know, I don't care.

I don't care. Has she lied to you?

I mean, the whole situation with me even getting her was a lie. We found out like she wasn't getting beat, she was actually doing it, doing stuff to her own self, self-harm. And so like she told us the truth about it. Like my aunt really wasn't doing this to me, I was doing it to myself. So it's like, why you lie? Like I got you because of what you told me.

So how do you feel about everything, Eric, your sister just said?

I agree. It wasn't to be rebellious or just do what I wanna do. I was just lost. I've always been on my own, so I was just lost and it's like, if I feel like nobody care about me and I don't feel wanted, I'm gonna push you away.

And—

Come here, baby, here you go.

And so that's how, like she said, that's how I deal with my trauma and my abandonment issue, which isn't right. And that's why I'm here because I wanna change, I wanna do better, but I just feel like I'm in this hole that I can't get out of.

I hear you. You sweet baby. Your sister said that you lied to her to get into the house. Is that true?

I did lie on my aunt. I lied on her because she used to be my favorite aunt. She used to always come get me when I was with my parents, when I was with my dad, because I did have both of my parents up until the age of 8. And that's when my dad got sent to prison and my mama gave up on me and chose she didn't want me anymore. Like I said, I did lie on mine, but I didn't lie about the other things that were happening. I did get touched by my cousins. I was getting touched, and I just didn't wanna live with it no more because I was there for 5 years, and I was tired of acting like everything was okay when it wasn't, and I just wanted to be with my family. I just wanted to be with my sister and my mom.

When was the last time you talked to your mom? I know you said she's here.

To support y'all?

We've been together while we've been here.

Okay, and what it's been like?

We just act like nothing happened. That's how it's always been.

What kind of relationship did you have with her before?

I never had a relationship.

Got it, got it, got it. Have you two made your amends at all? Have you been able to talk? Did you ever apologize to your sister for The lies?

I did. And again, I'm sorry.

I got you. Yeah.

It's like the situation, it was really unfortunate because I didn't want to send her back to my mom, but I just felt like I was just looking at my life and I'm like, I'm tired of taking, having everything on me. My whole, like my siblings, even my mom, they look at me as the savior. Everybody called me, for everything and it's all on me. If I don't get it done and nothing gets done, it's just too much. And I'm just like, it's just, you know, I have to break, like I'm getting out of the whole people pleasing. Like I speak my mind now. I stand up for myself and I don't let people just walk over me no more.

[Speaker:KARAMO] Good. I know that this is a show about two sisters and that's what you all came here for. But it's evident to me, and I think you, as you're on your emotional growth, this is about your mom. And I'm glad that she actually came here to support you because usually when I have these revelations on this show, the parents or whomever is not here. I'm going to go back to the green room where your mom has been sitting and I'm going to see if I can get her on this stage because there's, if only way I can really help you both is having her here.

I sent her away.

Because what I was going through emotionally with what I had been through with her dad, you know? I never seek counseling or nothing. I just swallowed up my pill and kept it moving, you know?

Yeah. Your youngest daughter just said that she feels like you don't try. How do you respond to that?

I don't know what she want from me. I mean, I tried and tried. Well, she just ran away from home because she don't want structure. She don't want discipline, she wanna do what she wanna do.

What 15-year-old mom, you don't know, she smoke weed, I said, "I don't want you in the street doing drugs." She wanna do drugs, come to me.

I'm trying to meet her halfway instead of just have my foot on her neck saying—

Did you hear what your daughter said?

Maybe I did that because I wanted help. Maybe they would've did something about it.

Go with that.

How does those stings, and they're deliberately wanting to get caught, it's not about the symptom.

She didn't want—

She didn't think she got caught.

I promise you. Vanessa, you're shaking your head. What is going through your thoughts?

My mom lets me do whatever I wanna do. My mom doesn't care as long as I'm gone, as long as I'm out of her face.

She choose to be gone. She said this so she can believe herself.

My mama doesn't care. You don't call. I be gone for weeks, months.

She don't have a phone for me to call.

You don't check up on me, Ernesto.

I have a phone.

They have my phone.

She only get caught call me on text message.

You have my Instagram. You got people that got my number.

You got people that talk to me every day.

You could call my sister. You talk to her every day.

She don't talk to me. But I said tell Vanessa to call me. Vanessa never calls. You can't blame me. You got to play your part too. I don't care. It's obvious.

I'm ready to go.

I asked her sister, her best friend. I have to call and talk to her through her best friend. Is Vanessa okay?

Erica, Vanessa told my producer that 2 weeks ago you attacked her. What happened there?

I didn't attack her. I told her not to go outside. She took and go out there anyway as if I ain't said nothing. It's 11 o'clock at night. Her and the little boy outside. It's a school night. I said, "Vanessa, it's time to come in the house." She still out there with the little boy. She come back in and go back out the door. As if I ain't said nothing. Like, are you kidding me right now?

You said you're trying to make me look stupid.

No, those were exactly what happened.

That was my boyfriend and his homeboys.

Yeah, but she go out there, these my dudes, these my boys.

You're making up stuff.

She tell me. I'm not making up stuff. That's exactly what you said when I go outside.

So then how did the fight happen?

She tell me, 'cause I tell her to come in the house and she wasn't going with them. She told me she was going anyway.

I was going to my boyfriend's house. She said I could go.

She told me I could go.

Once I leave and she sees those other people with him, she wants to decide, she wants to embarrass me and come up to try to impress him.

She lied about what she was doing. Her bag already packed. She already preplanned what she was finna do. You know, she go get her bag, I say, "You go out the door, don't come back." And she tell them boys, "Y'all gonna let her do this to me?" I'm like, "If they put their hands on Mama, kill all three of y'all." I asked him to get you off of me. I said, "Please, please kill him." Get off of me, I'm your mama.

Still her boyfriend.

And that's what I've been wondering. She been staying at the boy house lying to me, telling me she at her best friend house. 'Cause he told me, he said, what's up, Mom Duke? I said, I ain't your mom Duke. He say, I'm such and such, I'm who house she been over, been staying over. What he said.

She's going through so many different emotions in her mind. And so she is not sure if you're going to be there. When you say things like, well, Vanessa, if you leave, don't come back, that just triggers the abandonment. And I'm not saying that you're actually meaning that in that moment, but for her in her young mind, it means you didn't want me nowhere. You don't love me.

So I understand what she's saying. But I fought for her. I fought for her not to leave. She was gonna leave. She said, I'm leaving.

I get it.

I get it.

And I'm like, what am I supposed to do?

And you're in a process right now where you're like, well, now I gotta try to figure out how to discipline her. I gotta put my foot down. And I'm like— Any other parent out here would understand that. But when compounded with the fact that you haven't been there and that she's never felt like you tried or been there for her, that is just another sign to her like, I don't respect your discipline anyway because your discipline to her is not real. Your love to her is not real. You said that you're still using, that you use cocaine.

Mm-hmm.

So understand that you're also admitting that while you're trying to parent, you've also been high during that time. Again, I'm going to acknowledge the pain that you've been through because I understand that this is generational, which is why the first thing outta your daughter's mouth when she sat on this stage and she wants to break the generational trauma. The question is, is do you wanna break the generational trauma? Sure. You do.

Where do I start?

Okay, that's the best first question.

We can't want it for you, and that's the thing. I've always chased like my mom, like everybody's like, you gotta let her do her, just love her from a distance and all that. But I just can't, I just won't wash my hands because— I do. I want her. And then it's like—

But be clearer. I'm gonna give you some language right now that you can use. Be clearer. I want my mom to be sober.

Mom, I need you to be sober.

Having your daughter being able right now to tell you that she needs you to be sober, how often have you ever said that to her?

Never.

That's never? She just said that's never.

I never told her I just need you to be sober. It's like—

But hold on, take that because it took all these years for you to say, oh, I need you to be sober. I need you to be sober.

Right.

You hear me?

Yeah, right.

The abandonment comes from the addiction.

Right.

So you gotta say, Mom, I need you not to abandon me. It's, Mom, I need you to be sober. Because until you're sober, she'll never be able to show up full mind, body, and soul.

That's true.

And I don't want Vanessa to feel like I just gave up on her either. I didn't, I just didn't. But it's just like I said, been trying to mend this relationship and do everything for so long, trying to take my mom.

You've done a great job. Let me do something for you right now. You've already said you're doing the work.

Right.

But what I want you to do is release the guilt. That is your lesson for today. You did a big step by telling her, "I need to be sober." And the next step for you is to say that, "I'm gonna release the guilt." Say it right now. I'm gonna release the guilt.

I'm gonna release the guilt.

You've done more than enough. And the only person you need to be doing it for now is you.

Right, so I'm trying to do that.

Your other daughter here, she's 15, and there's a lot more that needs to happen here. I'm gonna tell you this, she needs to understand that mom's gonna try to get sober. And that's the first step and the only step we can take on this stage because the discipline issues and where she's staying, those type of things are up in the air right now.

And she won't wanna come home. I keep telling her to come home.

I know, but— But the thing is that—

But she wants to come home to a difference.

She wants to come home till you change it.

She wants to come home, use the language. She wants to come home till you sober. So I'm gonna bring your daughter back out here in a little bit and you're gonna have to tell her, Mom is going to try to be sober. Okay. Then the second step, wherever she is right now with this boyfriend, you need to call that little boy's mama and you need to talk to her. Okay. And if she's there, you say every day, you call and wake up first thing in the morning, "Baby, I'm still sober and I want you to come home." Okay. "You understand?" And what that does, it builds a relationship where she knows you're trying to get sober and also I want you. Okay, so Vanessa, your mother's going to tell you how she's gonna help you deal with it.

I'm gonna get sober. I want you to come home. I'm gonna be the best mom I can be and we can start over. Whatever you need for me to do, I'm gonna do it. I don't want you to feel the pain you have now, love.

Of that.

I don't love you. I never wanted you, okay? I'm going to get sober and clean for all— for y'all.

Do you want to come home? I do. That's all I ever wanted to do.

Good, good. We'll get out of here. I love you. Okay, good. Y'all did some good work Okay, this is just the first step. Y'all did some good work here. I'll tell y'all that. Thank you so much. Y'all did some really good work. You're very welcome. You're very welcome. I'm proud of you. I know this show wasn't about you, but you came out here and you took it like a G, okay?

Thanks.

You took it and you've made really big strides. You've released guilt and you know that everyone loves you. They're here for you. But we're now gonna figure out a path to make sure you always feel secure. Secure, because what you deserve is to feel secure. And you're gonna be all right. We're gonna keep checking up on you, all right? You got a new uncle who's gonna get on your nerves, and it's me, okay? All right, everyone, thanks for being with us. Make sure to come back next time, friends, so we can keep talking, we can keep drawing.

I love you all.