Mom, Why Did You Leave Me? | KARAMO

My guest Quanay reached out to the show asking for my help with her mommy issues. She says her mom Nicole chose drugs, alcohol, and sex work over being a mother. Quanay's angry and she wants answers from her mother. Everyone, please welcome Quanay to the show. Hi, Quanay.

How are you?

Can I have a hug?

Yes.

You're so beautiful. Thank you. Nice to meet you, Quanay.

Nice to meet you too.

Yes, okay. So you told my producers you're coming here 'cause you're standing up for that 12-year-old little girl.

Yes, I'm here.

I love that.

Yes, I'm here because I finally wanna confront my mother just about everything that she's put me through and what we've been through. And I'm finally ready to address, yeah, the 12-year-old girl inside of me 'cause I still feel hurt and abandoned and confused by a lot of things that's went on in my life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what were you told about your mom when you were younger?

Well, when I was younger, I was told that she was a crackhead. Quite frankly, I was told that she just wasn't around. I wasn't really given a reason why, a specific reason, and I would just always be told, "You're gonna be just like your mom. That's how you're gonna be. You're gonna be just like your mom." And I hated hearing that 'cause I felt like it was a title put on me that I didn't even know about, nor did I want at such a young age. And slowly but surely, becoming an adult, I felt myself becoming just like my mom, you know what I mean? In certain aspects.

What was it like growing up without your mom for you?

Well, for me growing up, I grew up in the group home system. I grew up in residential treatment facilities. It was very hard. It was very rough, especially feeling like I didn't have anybody to call on. You know, who was gonna love me? Who was gonna care about me when I was going through things? I've been in—

Oh, you're adorable.

Yeah, I was in swimming and I did karate and I did so many things. And where was she for all of these things that I've done in my life? For certain, even as an adult, certain advice I want or who to ask for how to make an appointment or how to change a diaper. I had to find all that stuff through myself and Google. I didn't have my mom. And that hurts, especially seeing my friends. They have their moms. Why don't I have my mom? And the older I got, the more I questioned it. You know what I mean? And especially just being in the group home setting, especially, and you see all these other kids that don't have anything and you start to feel like I don't have anything either. Especially when the one person that you want is out sleeping with who God knows who and doesn't even care about you.

So things were tough?

Yes, they were very tough.

Yeah, yeah, I can imagine. So what do you need from your mom?

From my mom right now, I need for her to acknowledge the fact that she did not, was not available for me emotionally or in any aspect of my life. I need answers for why did you choose prostitution or drugs over your children? Why did you keep having children after you knew that you couldn't take care of the one that you already had? Why did you feel like, why do you feel like even now you can be clean or get better and not address everything else that's happened before you getting clean?

First of all, congratulations on your sobriety.

Thank you.

That's really good. One year sober now?

16 months.

16 months, congratulations. Yeah. So obviously, you know, your daughter feels like you messed her life up. How do you feel about that?

I understand because I felt the same way with my mother.

Yeah.

I can't make up for what I did to her in the past. Honestly, the way I grew up, I heard everything in the back and pretty much the way that I was raised, my grandmother raised me, you know, in a house where some things happened that I wasn't allowed to talk about. I became very promiscuous, my father had got killed.

It's not about my mom though, I really, but it's not about that, that's what I'm saying. And this is what happens every time, we go into my mom and her story, but it's not about, we're not here for that, we're here to talk about me. That's what I'm saying.

That's what we were getting to.

But we're not though, Mom, it's just, I just wanna hear about me.

I've heard your story so many times, I can, But you wanna know why I was not there.

Yeah, I do wanna know that.

Why did I hurt you? Now, Kwane, I don't know. I was not there because I didn't know how to be there for myself. My mother was a crack addict.

How old were you when you had your son?

I was 15.

And you were, she was how old when you had her?

I was 16.

Do you feel unjustly blamed?

I kind of feel misunderstood.

How can you feel misunderstood? Like who doesn't? But that's what I'm saying, by who? By who? Who miss out? Why do y'all feel more misunderstood than me? How do you feel more misunderstood than me? Mom, I've been in placement, I was getting raped.

Do you understand that? My first, I was in church. Why you had this story in church? I was molested in church. That was my first sexual experience in church. Was beating on us and was beating on us. You was never there, Mommy.

This is real.

Exactly. So you knew that and you never tried to get yourself clean to get me. What about me? Y'all, you left me in that house for all that time out with nobody. And this is not a, this is real. I feel like I'm sorry for cursing. I can't even say all I wanted to say at home because I felt like we would argue and fight. Mom, you was never there for me at all. How am I supposed to look at my friends and say this is my mom?

Did you ever try to get her back during that time?

No, I didn't feel capable of being able to take care of my kids. I didn't feel capable. I didn't feel that I had it together.

And that's just not right. It's not right. It's not right. I went through stuff with drugs too. I had problems too. How am I supposed to, you was unjustly blamed or misunderstood. But nobody understands me, Mom. Nobody gets me.

And I'm hurt.

You don't understand me. You don't.

You're telling me I don't. You're telling me you can't speak for me.

All right, Mom.

You can't speak for me. Why do you feel like she doesn't understand?

'Cause it's always about my mom.

It's always about her. Why you can't say, "I'm sorry," or, "I understand what happened to you"? Why you gotta just back me with something else?

She did the same thing to me too.

Okay, we had the same experience. How can we work through that? Like, don't make it seem, it's just always reversed back to my mom.

Nicole, has Quaniyah ever told you about this before?

No, but I already knew how she felt, so I'm not surprised. I don't understand why am I here because I don't feel like, you know, like this is not gonna get resolved.

Well, you haven't watched this show before.

Okay, I don't.

This is a place where my intention is always to heal. So I hear both sides and I'm hearing you. What is it that you need from your mom?

What I want from my mom is just my mom to understand after we leave the show, we can still, you know, we can talk about what's going on. I want her to know and understand what I've been through and just how can we work on moving past it? How can we work on being a mother and a daughter? Because I want to build a relationship with my mom. I want to have my mom back, but I don't know how to.

Nicole, you told my producers that you feel like Quanay's responsible her choices. What do you feel?

No, what I do feel is I'm sorry. I can't make up for what happened.

I can't.

If I could go back and rearrange her whole family setup, I would, but I can't.

I hear that.

Only thing I can do is I can be there for you now. I don't have a problem, Kwane, I love you. I don't know how to be a mom. I'm still learning.

I don't know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't know, Kwane.

Can you hear your mom right now?

I don't know all these things. I'm learning as I go. I would learn from other women, watching them with their kids too.

I'm sorry.

Can you look at your mom?

I'm so sorry, Kwane. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know that won't get, that won't take away the pain that you feel. I don't know what else to do but pray. I heard you say, "Oh, Miss Praying." Yes, because that's what brought me through. That's what helped me not hating my mom for so long. Some things is generational. It's just that thing is a generational curse.

You want your mom?

I do, I do, I really do, I really do.

What does wanting your mom look like for you?

Just having somebody to call, somebody to talk to and just, it's a friend 'cause I don't have that at all.

I don't have nobody.

How's your mother?

It's just me, it's just me and it's been like that for so long. I'm tired. Oh, come on, baby. It's just been me this whole time. Who's supposed to love me? Who's supposed to care about me? Who's supposed to do that for me? Me. I've been doing it all this time and I'm hurt.

I know.

I'm hurt bad.

Kwane, 26 years. 26 years you've been holding on to to pain. Your mother is here telling you she wants to love you. And I know it's hard for you to believe it because it was 26 years, but she's actually in a clear state of mind and she's telling you, "I'm sorry," that she loves you, that she's here, that she understands. For once, what that little girl's wanting is here. And I know it's here. I know it's here. And the reason I know it's here is because when your mother just saw the picture pain in you, she didn't sit there, she got up. Do you wanna be there for her?

I do.

I'm still learning, but I'm willing.

I know you're learning. This is the thing that you need to understand, and I think this is gonna give some clarity and help you because in your mind, you want the mom you saw everybody else have. You want it. And she's saying to you, I can get there one day, but I'm still learning right now. But the little 12-year-old girl in you, rightfully so, wants her here right now.

Yes, 'cause that little girl is scared, confused. She don't know how to do anything.

She's hurt. She's down bad. And she was looking for her mom.

I gotta tell you this.

She was in placement. She was being raped and molested. And where was my mom? Where was my mom?

I gotta tell you this. I gotta tell you this. I gotta tell you this, Kwame. Come here, baby. I gotta tell you this. Get it out, get it out, get it out. Get it out, get it out. Get it out.

Get it out.

Wow.

That's all I wanted was my mom.

I get it. She is hearing you, and she's also here for you right now. And I know you are beating yourself up inside. I know you are, but she's here. And what I think you need to understand is two main things. Is first, I understand now, I get it. You want her to acknowledge what you're feeling. You want her to express what you're feeling. When she's talking about her pain, I don't think she's trying to discredit your pain. She's trying to help you to understand that it's her way of expressing to you that she's still learning. And so I want you to hear that. So next time she's saying that, know that she's not saying this because she's trying to invalidate you. She's trying to actually let you in. Am I right?

Yes, absolutely. You said it perfect.

She's trying to let you in.

So she can understand that I understand.

She's literally been listening and saying that she wants to hear you and she's been validating. I promise you, if she wasn't, I would've been the one, first one to tell her. But she's validating you. She's saying she's here for you. She loves you. You understand? You kept saying, "No one has the answers. Who knows what I could be? Don't know where I will go. I feel lost." These were your words that I kept writing down. And I understand that little girl that says she doesn't know how to do anything and she's scared about what's tomorrow gonna bring. But your mother's here now., and as she's learning, y'all can learn together. Are you willing to learn with her?

Mm-hmm, absolutely.

Are you willing to let her learn with you?

I do, I love my mom.

But I'm gonna tell you something. I wrote these things out as well because I also need to tell you that you wrong. You keep saying, I don't know what I could be, I don't know where I will go. Yes, you do. Trust and believe, you do know where you're going. We are both impressed by you. Thank you.

She's a wonderful mother.

Did you just hear what she just said?

Did you hear her?

She is. You told me out here that people were saying to you, you're like your mama, and that started to hurt you and you feel like I became her. Your mother just said, no, no, no, no, you're a wonderful mother. She is. You have been the master of your destiny since day one. You are stronger and smarter than you even imagine. Oh, she is. You hear your mama right now? Yes. She's not talking about her story. She's right now saying you are smarter.

You hear her?

Yes.

And she writes poetry. Look at your mama talking about you. She's talking about you. She's here now and she hears you. You can look at her.

I know, it's just hard.

I know, I know.

I'm just saying, ain't I?

She hears you. And next time you feel that pain, and next time you feel like you wanna like scream at the world, scream. But then remind yourself, my mother's here and she hears me. I hear you.

You ready?

You can get closer to your mom. You can get closer to your mom. You can get closer. You don't gotta be distant. You don't gotta be distant now. It's okay. You don't gotta be distant now. She there for you, you understand? Mm-hmm. I think y'all gonna be able to take a first step. She knows now. I see the curses being broken between you all. I see the growth between you all and I'm proud of it. Y'all see it too? We see y'all and I applaud you. I applaud you. I applaud you. I'm gonna give you your flowers. Listen, girl, if you learn nothing else, you better not ever walk outta here and say, I don't know what tomorrow's gonna be. Thank you. You hear me? Yes. You better not ever, because you know what it is. Don't ever. Yes. You talked about you don't know if that little girl can be an Olympian. She still can be because I feel like whatever you put your mind to will happen. Yes. Seriously.

Thank you, Karamo.

Thank you so much. But I also applaud you because I know the journey you've been on. I know how addiction, when it has you for 26 years plus, how that can hurt you. And I can see even in one, 16 months? Good job. Good job. Yes. Good job. Together, y'all are gonna be amazing.

Thank you.

Yeah. I wish y'all the best of luck. Give your mama one more hug.

She here.

She here. Give your mama a hug. Hold up, hold up. Where are you going? I know you wanna watch more Karamo, so click here to subscribe and click here to watch more so we can keep talking and growing, friends. I love you.