Mom, You Don't Respect Us! | KARAMO

Carla, I wanna start with you. So how's your relationship with your mom?

My relationship with my mom has been great as a child, but recently growing older as an adult, again, there's been some overstepping of boundaries. One of the main reasons that we get into arguments is regarding like my body image, my weight, or my relationship, things that really don't, you know, as I get older, have more to do do with me and not with my mom.

What has she said about your weight?

I don't wanna hear all the time that you think that I'm getting smaller, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. My weight is my issue. I've worked a long time on my body image and I feel confident in myself and I love myself, so.

Beautiful, I love hearing that. Yeah, what happened in Cancun last year?

This was my mom's first time outta the country, her first time on a plane. And we were going to a family member's wedding. It was a really big thing for us. I bought a bathing suit that like I felt really good in. It was my first time going outta the country. I wanted to look good and it's just constant ridicule. She didn't like what I had on. She didn't like, she just didn't like it.

[Speaker:KARAMO] Got it. To be that vulnerable and to be in a moment where you're excited about something and to have someone you love and respect I say things to you that can tear you down, I'm very sorry. I really am, I really am. Amaya, you feel like your mom is interfering with your relationship?

Yes.

How?

I am a lesbian and I proposed to my fiancé. Karamo. Hey.

Hey.

I proposed to my fiancé 2 years ago. The first ridicule I got from her was, You got on your knee, so you must be the man in a relationship. And I was like, hold on, honey, I am no man in nobody's relationship. We are two femmes and we're proud of that.

Amiyah, what are some of the hurtful things your mom tells you? And tell me about her temper as well.

Her temper is, she's very, if she doesn't like it, then she's gonna tell you she doesn't like it. But it can be yelling, like, I wanna have a conversation with you. Without you yelling at me or telling me.

It's like the school.

If you were successful in school or you have graduated or are done with college already, then you would, you have this type person in your life or your fiancé wouldn't be on the verge of leaving you. And we're not on, we're not to that point yet. We're not, we haven't even discussed leaving each other yet because she's successful and I'm not. And I don't feel like I'm unsuccessful. I think I'm growing steps to get there. But everybody's on a different timeline.

But your mom points those things out.

Mm-hmm. Yes. Like, if I don't ask you for advice, don't give it. But when I ask you for advice, give it to me.

I hear it. Listen, it is something that I practice in my personal life with my kids, with my partner. On this stage, I'm always like, so what do you need my help with? Do you want my advice? Because the thing we have to learn is just because you got it in your head doesn't mean it need to come out your mouth.

Yes.

And that's an important thing.

None of us have finished college, so she sees us going down that path. And instead of being constructive with her criticism, she's angry with her criticism. She's not okay with saying—

It's almost like it's coming out of a place of fear.

Fear, yes.

It's, you better finish school or she's gonna leave you. Or as far as our relationships, what are you doing? Like, what does this person want you for? Like, what in the relationship?

What are they really seeing you to be with you? Like, why are they with you?

Ooh, did she say that to you about your weight as well?

It's more so—

You think it's coming from a place of fear?

It's more so of a place of fear. Like when she thinks someone is talking about me, when she thinks someone is laughing at me in public, it comes like, it boils up in her this anger and she's a mother bear wanting to protect her child when I didn't ask for protection. I don't care what anybody has to say about me. I love me.

Amen.

Nobody's gonna come to me and make me feel the way they want me to feel.

So I'm here with Carla and Amaya who say they need their mom to change her attitude before it destroys their family. Before we bring out mom, let's hear what she had to say.

Karamo, my daughters are overly dramatic and I don't understand why they think we're that dysfunctional that they needed to write into your show. My kids gang up on me all the time because they're mad at the way I raised them. Y'all asses are grown and you're on your own. I'm trying to take care of myself now, but to some degree, y'all still around and I'm still raising y'all. I feel like my daughter disagrees or hates when I tell her she needs to lose weight or be more healthier. And my other daughter needs to find out who she is before she starts jumping into new relationships. She needs to be her own leader instead of being a follower. I have told my kids exactly how I feel from day one because I love them. And as their mother, I feel like that's the way it should be.

All right, everyone, please welcome Deonka to the show.

I love you. Like, I know at the end of the day, when the dust settles, I'm going to be there.

I've told you several times, look, I don't care if it's a good compliment, a bad one.

I don't want to hear it.

That I honestly did not know. I was telling you that I am proud of you if that was the journey that you were on. Why is that the stepping stone for you to be proud of me? Because I know what I'm going to do. Why is that the stepping stone for you to be proud of me?

Because it's healthier.

I don't have that healthy— You don't see me on a CPAP machine.

You don't see me walking, waddling around.

It didn't start out like that.

It didn't, but I got that together.

I need you to have to go to the doctors.

I have been well, healthy and well for years now. But still, that is the first thing on your mind.

I am not that type.

Is that the first thing on my mind or is it your health and me loving you? My health is fine.

You're saying it as a healthy situation, but like the Target situation, that wasn't you worrying about her being healthy.

You thought somebody was talking about me.

Okay, Target, yes, because I've seen that. You think you're smart, my paranoid ass. I don't have demons.

Did they come up to me and say anything?

Whether they have or not, I'm letting them know.

You don't need to let them know. There's nothing to let them know.

No, I know I do.

You have a temper, so you don't understand.

And an attitude too.

And add to that. And when does that come out?

Well, it's with them, I mean—

I feel like when she don't want you to say nothing she don't wanna hear.

If she don't wanna hear it, if she don't like it, she don't wanna hear it. With them it comes up because like now, you know, this is a surprise to me, you know, for me to be here with my daughters and find out how you really feel about me, you know, it's just—

Mama, what do you mean find out? These are conversations we have had time and time before.

But they turn into arguments, so I guess nobody pays attention.

And you don't listen, nobody's listening. Y'all get a word in.

We can't get a word in because if it's not your way, you don't wanna hear it.

Sorry, if I see it, I'm gonna call it. And that, because I know, I know, I know in my heart who's going to be there.

At what point do we get to be adults?

Because if you were not around. You're an adult every day.

No, if you were not here to protect us, we are gonna have to figure it out on our own.

I'm not trying to protect you, but if.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are. And we're not saying it's a bad thing, we're saying it's because we know I know from what you told me, the love and the care that you did not really receive growing up, and instead of sugarcoating it, no, you didn't receive it, you wanna give it to us, but you're too overstepping with it. You are too mother bearish with it.

Okay, so when things go down and it happens and it's her fault, then they come get me. That's what I'm saying, but when I've already told you this, and I've done it to you a couple of times, let us figure it out. So you get hurt again, you put me in the same predicament.

Why are you afraid to let your kids figure it out?

Because when they get hurt, they come to me, I'm hurting.

That's just lies.

So definitely. But that's just lies.

Do you feel like they're capable of making their own choices?

I do. I mean, I'm very proud of them. They're independent. She lives alone, she has a job, she works, she's taking— I love the fact that she is a great mother to Ryan. I love that. You know, I mean, but it's just like, I know what's out there too. And I'm sorry, it's hard to lay those swords down when I know potentially someone else may have the upper hand and hurt my child. I don't know how to separate from that.

Yeah. I wanna hear what my audience has to say about this. So I wanna take it to the comments. Does anybody empathize with what the mother is going through? Yeah, you can? Come here, let me talk to you.

I have a I have a newly over 18 son and he's my only child and I'm a very hands-on mom. So I understand mom and he's always by my side, right? But you have to separate, you have to give a little bit of room. And like she said, you have to let them fall on their face so they could come into their own beings. Because guess what? You can't be there to save them every single time. They'll never be an individual that way. And you don't wanna be carrying them at 40.

That's a good point. Thank you so much. What is, Dionka, what is your fear when it comes to your daughters and them failing?

Well, her, it's because of my granddaughter. You know, I don't want, I want my granddaughter's life to be better than mine, better than hers, better than ours, you know what I mean?

So you wanna make sure your granddaughter's in a stable home?

Yeah.

And what's your fear for your other daughter?

"This is my middle child," and they never say anything. For me to hear her, I hear her today. I have no other choice but to hear what she's saying to me.

That's a good place. The fact that you're saying you hear them, I think we can go from there. I think it's important as young women that I know you do respect your mother, but I think the expectation of how fast she has to grow, you have to manage that expectation and understand that she is trying to grow at a pace that's going to be able to support you. And this is not to take away and say that, She's wrong for the things she said. I'm gonna get to you, Mom, I love you. But I have to acknowledge that. You have to be able to see that. Can you see what I'm saying here? Yeah. I think it'd be an important start if you can say, Mom, we love you and we're gonna manage our expectations of how fast you're growing.

Mama, we love you and we are gonna manage our expectations. You are growing. You're growing.

And I know you've been a protector. I know you have tried to do everything you could possibly do in your mind and you're trying. I'm looking at it, I'm watching you. Every time you hear something, you're like, "Damn, I didn't know. Okay, damn, I didn't know." So I wanna acknowledge that in you. But I also have to say there is some things that you have said that are damaging and you have to be aware of that. I have been writing down some of the things. You've called them dramatic. You've called, you've said, you've told them that the people in their lives are gonna disappear. You've told them, to be healthier. These things, even though you think are protecting them, as a third party sitting here and just meeting you, were jarring to me. It was hurtful for me to hear you say that to your daughters when I know your daughters love you so much. You have raised some really great women.

Thank you.

Yeah, give it up.

Thank you.

You don't have to be so fearful about them going down the path or that road you already been down. And I think you have to change yourself from responding to them in this place of fear and responding to them to a new place of hope. Because what your daughters are telling you is that they need boundaries. And it's really boundaries in your communication.

I'm sorry, y'all. I want us to be better. I'm gonna do better.

You have given us everything and I know that. But when I set a boundary, I just mean as an adult, this is where I wanna draw the line because I wanna grow from here.

You hear that?

Okay.

You gotta allow them to invite you in. And so you have to ask yourself, and this is gonna be your challenge, when you're talking to your daughters and you're about to say something, first, it's not coming from a place of fear. Think about it from a place of hope. And then secondly, say, did they invite me into this conversation? Did they invite me into talking about her weight journey? Did she invite me into talking about her relationship or where her kid is? And if the answer to you is no, if you didn't get a clear invite from them, then you just say, okay, I'm just here to listen. And I know it's hard because I do the same thing. We can give it up. I do the same thing with my sons. And it's something that I'm actually actively practicing right now where I'm like, you know what, y'all 26, you 26 years old. I really wanna tell you what to do because I already seen you got this little girl right now and I'm going in my own personal business right now, but I watch it. And sometimes I sit there and he calls and I say, you know what? No, you didn't invite me in. You didn't invite me in. So that means there's a boundary right there. And so I say, all right, just talk and I'm gonna listen. And then sometimes I'll do this. I'm like, you ready to invite me in? You want my opinion? And sometimes he'll be like, yes, Dad, I do. And the more that I've let him invite me in, the better our communication's actually gotten. Okay. It's actually gotten a lot better. And I'm encouraging you to do the same. Can you make that commitment and say, I'm gonna hold this fear-based language that I use when I'm talking to y'all, and I'm gonna wait for y'all to invite me in.

I'm gonna hold these fear-based words.

Yeah, good job.

That I hope that I give to y'all, and I'm gonna wait for you to invite me in.

Do y'all receive that?

Yes.

Yes.

Do y'all believe y'all mom?

Yes.

You do? Yeah. Good. Y'all are a great family. Y'all are a great family here. Good luck, all right?

Thank you.

I respect you all very much. I respect all of you. Hold up, hold up. Where are you going? I know you wanna watch more Karamo, so click here to subscribe and click here to watch more so we can keep talking and growing, friends. I love you.