Mom, Your Drinking Is The Problem | KARAMO

I don't know if this is mainly just Black families or everywhere else, but we came from a family where family problems stay in the family. Anything else, just bottle it in. And I feel like—

It's not just Black families, it's everybody, trust me.

But we at the point— Yeah, I know, it is. We're at the point now where it's like, you know, I'm getting older and this has been going on for almost 11 years.

So what's your mother's exact problem?

Has an alcohol problem. I feel like she's a functional alcoholic. Have you ever heard of that? Functional?

Yes, of course, yeah.

Where she can pay the bills, she know when it's time to pay the bills, but when it's in between that time and she's going through stuff, she turns to the bottle and—

So do you think she's going through something right now or do you think it's the man that's triggering her drinking so much?

At this point, I don't know because like I said, it's been going on for 11 years. So when it first started, I feel like, he introduced it to her because before that, my mom would never touch the bottle. She didn't smoke, drink, none of that. I just started to just see her change slowly but surely.

Got it. Tell me more about the time that things were good.

When things were good, they was great. Like before she met this person, I would say we would do family stuff. Like we would go to the amusement parks, the beaches as a family. And she was always on top of her motherly duties. I'll say that. And I know it was hard because she was, doing it by herself. And I understand that. I started working from young because I understood she had bills to pay. She had to do that by herself and nobody was helping her.

So you took on that pressure at a young age?

Yeah.

Very sorry about that. Because, no, it's not, it's okay for you to accept that and know that you didn't deserve that. Because as kids, we shouldn't have the burden of feeling like we have to take care of a household.

Yes.

And so I'm sorry for that. How has that affected your life in other ways?

I feel like I really didn't have a time to become an adult. Like I feel like I just had to start taking on certain roles. I'm sorry. No, you're okay. But it was annoying because I felt like when my friends, they would go out and they had allowance and stuff, I couldn't do that. I had to work.

Yeah. I'm hearing you say this and all I keep thinking about is like a little girl feeling like I have to be responsible for my stability.

The thing is, I love my mom to death, and this is one thing she repeats constantly, you know, is my time is up. I feel like I was already a mom. You're never done being a mom until your kids is grown doing their own stuff. She started doing this stuff when I was in school, like I was 5th grade, 5th grade. And like now I'm older, so like I have more time to reflect on it, but when I was, During those times I was working, so I wasn't thinking about it. I wasn't thinking about it. So when I started to get older and start to like see how the world really works, it's like, dang, I need my mom. That's the only parent I have in my life like that. So I need her to wake up. Stop being in this little, you can drink, but just control your drinking. Like you're a grownup, you should know what to do. I feel like I shouldn't have to be your parent.

Yeah, do you think she knows she needs help?

I feel like she knows it, she doesn't admit it.

Got it. So what do you hope for your mom today, bringing her here?

She stop drinking. You're grown, you could drink all you want, but just not to the point where you're blacked out where you don't remember what happened the next day. Like, it's been so many times where she called the cops. She called because we took her keys because she was gonna go drive drunk. They did not take that incident serious. She didn't even remember it. She didn't even sign those paperwork. She didn't do nothing. You do stuff while you're intoxicated, don't remember it the next day, you laugh it off like it's nothing, like it's a joke.

But you also live with the trauma of it.

Yeah. And it's not a joke to me.

We've heard of the hurt and pain Victoria has gone through, but now it's time to hear what her mother has to say about all this. So everyone, please help me welcome Angela to the show. Hello, Angela. Hi. Thank you for being here.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you as well. Please take a seat for me. So I wanna ask you, how do you feel about your daughter bringing you here?

She thinks I have a problem, but she don't realize that I just didn't get here. I'm not 21. I've been here a long time, way before she got here. I don't have a problem.

But why do you feel like your daughter thinks you have a problem with drinking?

I drink to ease the pain. I had a couple of surgeries that was needed. The pain medicine, they stopped giving me.

So you use alcohol to soothe that pain?

To soothe the pain, to sleep.

Okay, so now you feel like you can soothe that pain with alcohol?

Well, it's not that I want to, but I was introduced to alcohol when I was 50.

Got it. Victoria, what were you about to say?

It helps her in the time, but when you're blacked out, you don't see what— it ain't helping. You falling down the stairs and you making yourself worse by doing that because you do stuff that you wouldn't—

It's been a long time since I fell down the stairs, but she thought I was drunk.

But that doesn't matter, it happened.

No, she thought I was drunk falling down the stairs. I wasn't.

It doesn't matter.

That was before I found out about my back. Condition. Okay.

But it's been multiple times. It's just not one time that you fell down the stairs and that's it. No, multiple times.

Victoria says she also thinks that the relationship you're in might be the reason for you doing this drinking. Do you agree with that?

No, not at all.

Do you think your relationship—

Not at all. It's a typical relationship. I'm not here to talk about that.

Do you think the relationship is healthy? I'm just gonna ask that. I'm not gonna go into details.

It's a relationship. And I'm not even, I don't even want to go through that because it's about me and her and she feels my drinking is controlling me. But how can my, How can my drinking be controlling me when I'm still maintaining my home?

You're a functional drunk. There's such things as that. When the bills need to be paid, you come clutch. Don't get me wrong. Isn't that what's important? But you're not paying it by yourself. Yeah, you make sure that you're awake so you can fill out them paperwork.

Okay.

But after that's done—

Wait, wait, wait. When you say I'm not doing it by myself, the majority of them I'm doing them by myself. That mortgage.

I should have been paying bills at 15, 16, 17. I've been paying bills since 14 years old. I don't remember that. You don't remember that?

'Cause you was drunk most of the time. No, I wasn't.

Can I ask you a question?

That's crazy.

So what change would you wanna see happen for you and your daughter today?

I want her to listen and really, it's hard. I want her to understand where I'm coming from as a mother, as a single mom. I wasn't strict on her like I was with the other kids.

It sounds like to me that you're saying that you feel like Victoria throws things in your face.

She does, a lot.

Why do you feel that?

Because what she see, they didn't never saw. She sees that, okay, sometimes I may have a little teleport or I might have a sound.

See, that's the thing. I don't mind if she have a drink. You're grown. They make law reasons for a reason, but it's deeper than that. That could be your last drink.

Do you remember calling the police on your kids?

No, no.

Because they wouldn't give you your kids? You don't remember that?

Okay, I remember. They took my key.

But you don't remember calling the police?

I don't remember calling. All I remember is sitting on my couch, seeing a police officer there in my home, and I'm telling them I want my key back.

So you acknowledge right now that you have blacked out? Because you just said it's not debatable, it's a yes. You just said you don't remember police being in your house.

I remember them being there, but I don't remember calling them. Put it that way. Yeah, I have blacked out. I have blacked out, but, but, but, Me and Victoria, she thinks she's on my playing field. She's nowhere near my playing field. She don't have a clue where I came from.

I'm not trying to be your mom.

She thinks she my equal. I love my daughter.

I don't wanna be your mom. I don't wanna be, that's the problem. But if I need you, I need you.

You made a choice, I need you.

You want me to stay in that daughter place.

But you're not a baby.

My responsibilities is basically your mom. I don't wanna be your mom. I wanna be the donor.

I don't wanna be your mom.

It's very clear language when someone says, "I drink to ease the pain." And that's why I first want to acknowledge what you're going through because I've worked with individuals who have drank, who identify as alcoholics, who identify as they don't identify as alcoholics, they just, you know, but one thing that's consistent in those people is that when there's so much pain inside of them, It is hard to sit and be in that pain. And so it's like after I get everything done and I'm making sure that I set up, which is how you've survived your entire life. It's been, let me make sure everything's done for these kids. Let me make sure everything's good. Am I hitting it on the nail for you?

Yes, exactly.

And then it's like, listen, I'm hearing you and I see you.

I didn't start drinking until after I was 50 years old.

I get it, I get it. And so you're drinking for the pain. You're drinking to heal.

But it's more than just a physical pain.

Yeah, I know it's a physical, emotional pain.

It's an emotional, a mental thing. I was 18. On my own, never had my bills, the lights turned off, never.

I know.

I work hard.

I see it. So you've lived a life where it's like, I'm gonna handle all this stuff. But because you were handling all these things and you were putting priority on your kids and the bills, you didn't have time to focus on your own.

Not at all.

I get it. And so now you're 50 and you're plus, and you're trying to now say, let me ease my own pain.

I'm trying to.

Because I never had time. But the thing is, The thing is, is that unfortunately easing your pain this way is never going to ease the pain. It's never gonna get rid of that pain. But you asked who's gonna be there for me? And the thing is, is your daughter has been there for you.

Yes, she has. And I love her for that.

She was there, but she's saying that, Mom, I wanna be there for you, but I can't be there for you when you're drinking. And I don't want you to lose her and I don't want you to lose the rest of your family. Because I'm gonna tell you, looking at you, you deserve for somebody to give you the hug that you didn't get, the support you didn't get. You deserve all of that, but she can't give it to you and other people can't give it to you if you're drinking.

Listen, please, it's so much.

I know.

That I've had to do and is still doing. And then when I'm alone in my room, I wanna relax and rest.

You wanna release everything that's hurting you.

And I can't do that.

You wanna avoid it. I know, but there's a healthier way to do that is what I'm trying to just tell you. I'm trying to tell you turning to that is never going to ease the pain. You'll be in a cycle until your last day of trying to ease the pain and feeling like I've found time for myself, but you're not gonna find it that way. You will find it in owning up to the fact that yes, Maybe I drink too much.

Can we start there? I don't believe I do though. That's the problem. That's the situation. I just don't. I don't.

That's fine. That's fine. I'm not gonna force you to say that. I'm not gonna force you to say that. Can you acknowledge that when you drink, it's not healthy that you can't remember things?

Okay, I passes a threshold.

Yeah?

That I don't remember. Okay, fine.

You just took a very big step and I wanna acknowledge that. Please give her a round of applause for that. She just admitted that sometimes she passes a threshold. She admitted she passes a threshold and she don't remember stuff. So when you say, well, I feel like she should know, she might've been past that threshold.

Can I just say one thing? Victoria, I release you so you can worry about you.

Don't say this now.

But we still got responsibilities.

Is that but?

But we still got responsibility. That light bill still gotta get paid.

You can't do that. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You were taking some healthy steps forward. This is what I'm talking about, Karamo. Angela, Angela, Angela, don't do this to me. Angela, don't do this to me. Angela, don't do this to me. Angela, you know I've been here with you eye to eye. You know I've been giving you, you know I respect you and I see you. Don't do that to me. Just give your daughter this moment to heal. On the side of bills. Give her a moment to heal. You raised a woman who's gonna step up and do the bills. We know it.

I don't want to, but I—

Listen, I know you don't want to, but listen, it's, you know, survival.

I don't want to either.

But the thing is, is the thing is, is that you gotta get a moment to give your daughter the healing she deserves. Do you want your daughter to heal?

Yes, I do. I want her to heal. And she's a, see, I see her as a strong Black woman. I know. I don't worry about her.

Yeah, but you have to, you have to, The thing is that trope of strong Black women is a trap because she needs to be a vulnerable Black woman. She needs to be a woman who can, she can rely on other people and she doesn't always have to do it all. And that's a trap. You fell in the trap too. You had to be a strong Black woman too. That's a trap that we're dispelling that trap. It's done. You get to be vulnerable. You get to be beautiful. You get to be all these other, you don't have to be strong all the time. Repeat after me. Daughter.

Daughter.

I love you.

I love you. You know that, right?

And I want you to heal.

I want you to heal whatever is hurting, burning inside. I want you to heal. I appreciate you for everything. You've been there for me when nobody else was.

But I release you.

But I release you.

From worrying about me.

From worrying about me.

You got something right now that you can receive. Two things you receive that I wanna make sure you focus on. On. First of all, you heard your mother finally admit that she knows that at a certain place she goes too far. Let me tell you something, that's a big step for somebody who drinks. But secondly, she's released you. You understand that?

Yes.

And for you, I wanna figure out how to make sure you have somebody who you can talk to so you can get this off your chest. Because the more you're able to get this off your chest is the more then no longer do you feel like you need to ease your pain with alcohol. Okay?

I'm happy that I'm glad that she took a step, a first step, 'cause before this she was so in denial. So I'm glad that she took a step forward.

But you also took a step for yourself.

I did too, yes I did.

You took a step for yourself.

I'm gonna do my own thing.

Boom, there we go. I love you, I really do. I really do. And I love you too, you hear me? I love you too. I do. Let me give someone some hugs. Hold on, where you going? I'll tell you where you're going. Right here to subscribe and right here to watch more.

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