Mom, Your Exes Abused Me! | KARAMO

Me and my daughter Monique had a really good relationship until 4 years ago when she moved out. We get angry at each other. We'll have our fallouts, and then she gets an attitude and wants to disappear for 6 months at a time. It's really hard because she has me blocked. You know, she's not responding to my messages. I'm very supportive of her. Like, I'm her biggest cheerleader. But when you disrespect me, I can't allow that. She'll call me names in front of my grandson while she's walking away or through a text message, but she won't say it to my face. Like, I might call her ungrateful heifer, you know, but I won't call her out her name. I've never done that. I give my daughter everything that I have, and that's what hurts me so bad.

I'm sorry.

So I was watching your body language during that. I was trying to take notes as well on what your mother was saying. I saw that you were just— It seemed as if you didn't agree with anything she was saying. What were you feeling during that moment?

She always wanna be the victim.

She always wanna be the victim?

Yeah.

Why do you say that?

'Cause she never does anything wrong or she acts like she cares. Like, don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but that lady, she's something else.

Yeah.

I'm lost for words at that video. Like, that's crazy.

Really? Is there any parts of that video that you really like that stood out?

She had my son on Christmas Eve and I didn't show up for 4 hours. The whole time she didn't even tell me she was leaving. The house and had my brothers watching him and I had an errand to run and I told my brothers because I'm like, you're not at the house, so I'm gonna let them know. So then she was like, I'm being disrespectful, you being disrespectful.

Got it. So you felt like that communication. So she said something that I had to write down immediately. She said there's physical fights between you and your boyfriend.

I mean, yeah, it's been fights, but my son has never experienced that ever. Ever. And I don't have to lie about that.

Got it. But you are saying that there is physical fights between you and your boyfriend? Between y'all?

It was months ago.

Months ago. Has it only happened once, twice, three times?

It was like twice.

Twice, okay. So do you think that he could be the problem?

No.

'Cause that's what she's stating.

No, because this been going on my whole life. Me and my boyfriend been together almost two years. This been going on my whole life.

Your whole life?

My whole life. She is the problem.

She is the problem, okay.

We are both the problem if you want me to be honest because I'm not perfect, but this is not all, it's not all me. It's not all what she think it is, no.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, how was your relationship with your mom growing up then?

It was on and off. Like in my Head Start, like when I was in Head Start, I was with my grandma. Like she didn't even have me.

Oh wow.

It was back and forth. Like it's a lot of back and forth. Like yeah, she was there, but it's like, you know, when you talk to someone and they're like, they're not listening to you. She wasn't listening to me. She wasn't there emotionally. Like she just wasn't there.

And do you think your mom still doesn't listen to you?

No, she don't. I love my mom, but when you acting crazy, Just because you my mom, that name hold weight. You gotta do what a mom does. And that's why I do for my son what I'm supposed to do.

Mm, got it. Was your father around growing up?

Not physically. My daddy been in jail mostly my whole life, but he's been there emotionally.

He's been there emotionally?

Yes, he has. More than my mom has. Yes.

Oh, that's a big—

But my daddy's not here.

That's a big statement. So your father being in jail, you think that he was there more for you emotionally than your mother?

Yes.

Oh.

It seemed like I had a sister. We was so close in age and then she'd be like, "You don't clean up. You need to get the fuck out. I can't wait till you get out the house." And da, da, da, da, da, da, da. I couldn't live with her. It was just verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse. It was just too much. So yes, I want to get away from you.

So you saying your mother physically abused you?

Yes.

And what do you mean by that? Do you mean like, and this is not to justify or to say that this is right, but you talking about she gave you a spanking?

No.

Or are you saying that she was—

No, we went through domestic violence for, my young years of my life.

Got it.

This man walked up to me, first he threatened me and was like, "If you see me, walk the other way." We all living in the same house.

Yeah.

And he literally walked up to me and was in my face and my mom washing the dishes, she didn't say nothing. I'm like, "You really gonna let this man yell at me in my face like that?" Yeah. And next thing you know, I just took off 'cause I'm like, "You not about to keep disrespecting me. You not my daddy and you be beating on my mama." So then when I put my hands on him for getting in my face, y'all, why she stop what she doing to come in there and hit me? I don't have to lie.

So she was in an abusive relationship. The man started trying to hit you.

Yeah, and it transferred to me.

But then she protected him, not you.

Yes, they jumped me. They jumped me. He had me by my, she was punching me. He had me by my hair, threw all the stuff, threw all my stuff down the hallway in an apartment building. And you know what she said after he kicked me out?

What?

Oh, she's just so disrespectful.

Have you ever confronted her about that abuse?

She's just in denial. It never happened, or I'm just doing too much. I'm the one that's tripping.

Really? She'll tell you that you're doing too much talking about the past?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

It's the past. It's a lot of trauma that I just feel like it's never been resolved.

Well, I think it's time to get your mother's side of the story as well. So everyone please help me welcome Monique's mother, Darnisha, to the show.

Really?

You gonna sit in here and lie like that?

What do I have to lie about? What do I have to lie about?

I abused you?

Yes, you did.

You did abuse me.

Yes, you did. You never abused me. You never put your hands on me.

You won't lie on TV? That's a discipline. That's a discipline.

I never.

Whooping me with a man?

That's a discipline? I never jumped you. You never jumped me with a man?

Never. Really? So I have to lie? So I have to lie?

You making that up. You are definitely making that up. I would never do you like that.

Yes, you—

but you did. I've never done you like that.

He did put you out. Yes, he did. Yes, he did.

Don't sit up here and lie like that.

I don't have to lie. I don't have to lie. No, not to fight some stuff, I don't have to lie.

So you're saying from your point of view that like, so take a seat for me. Tell me, from your point of view, what happened with this man then?

What happened was after he did put his hands on her, we actually moved out of the house. She went to her grandma 'cause I went to go protect her.

She went to her grandma. After he did that to you?

Of course it was after. You went to go with your grandma. And then we moved into a shelter home.

Did you hit her as well?

I did not hit her. That's why I'm like, you gonna sit up here and really say that, Monique?

'Cause I don't have to lie and I'm gonna tell the truth.

That, no, that's not the truth.

It is.

That is not the truth.

It is. That is not the truth. And I'm standing on it 'cause it is.

That is not the truth.

Did you throw her things in the hallway?

Never. Neither, he didn't.

Never, no, he did not throw your things in the hallway.

Yes, he did. He did not. Yes, he did. He did not. Yes, he did.

He threw my things in the hallway.

No, he threw my stuff down. My clothes. Never. He threw my stuff. Through my, why would he throw your stuff? Why would he throw your stuff? You was hitting me and he like, yeah, beat her ass. Yeah, beat her ass. Yes he did.

Yes he did. Now I'm not gonna say that, 'cause I was in there so I don't know, but I know there's a— I hear you and I'm not even gonna question you. I'm not even gonna question and think you're lying. What I was gonna ask you though is sometimes when we're experiencing trauma and going through traumatic moments and especially 'cause it sounds like you're telling me that he was doing your stuff I'm hearing he was abusive. Do you think as a mom that there could be a moment where like, where your mind is in protection mode and cloudy because you are in this hard, difficult situation that possibly things happen that you didn't see because you were trying to protect and trying to figure out how to navigate everything?

Honestly, I've always protected Monique. I protect all of my children.

She lying. She lying. Why do I have to sit here and lie? I went through that shit. I did. I did, I went through that stuff and she ain't do nothing but call me disrespectful. I'm always disrespectful, that's annoying.

Did you call her disrespectful in the moment?

No.

Well, I kind of did.

Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

Yes, I did. I did call her disrespectful because it was like— Tell the truth, Mom. If someone is telling her to do something—

He didn't tell me nothing, that man was in my face.

If somebody is telling her to do something, it's like, no, I don't, you know.

Telling and being in my face is something else.

So it was just kind of a disrespect.

And he was always beating you and you would always ask me to come help you, did you not? Did you not? No. Tell the truth. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

Never involved you in a fight.

That's why I am how I am now.

Do you think that sometimes, like, you being in the middle of this traumatic situation and you two being alone in the house, this is your daughter. I mean, I've talked very openly on this show. My mother has given me the permission that she was in an abusive relationship and it was just me and her in the house. And my mother would never involve me or try to intentionally involve me, but when I would see her getting hit or something, she would come and talk to me.

What are you gonna do, protect your mom?

She's come and talk to me. And so that made me as a child not understanding adult things, like I am involved now, I gotta protect her, I gotta do these things. So is there a possibility that maybe you in this moment were just confiding in your daughter, just sharing candidly like, yeah, this is what's going on with me, and that there is some truth to her feeling like maybe she was involved?

Yes, because she was the oldest.

Okay, so good. So you can, at least she's saying she hears that. Did you hear that? Did Monique witness the abuse towards you?

Yes, she did.

Yeah, she did. And what was that like for you as a mother? 'Cause we see what it was like for her.

It was hard. It was hard. And as soon as I was able to get out of the situation, I did.

I know, I hear it. What's going on in your mind right now? Talk to me.

I just wish she would listen to me and not always say I'm lying. I don't have to lie. That's what happened. That's what happened. And then you like, "Oh, your boyfriend, your boyfriend." Armani never experienced nothing like that 'cause I know how I felt when I went through it.

Do you say she's disrespectful often?

Yeah, when she calls me out my name, yes. It's disrespectful.

Yeah. Do you call her out of her name?

I might call her ungrateful, half-ass.

Yeah, I was about to say 'cause you called her that in the video. That was one of the first things I wrote down.

And I don't know how I'm ungrateful.

You called her a half-ass.

I don't know how I'm ungrateful because I thank her for everything. She do for me, everything. It's just when I'm disrespectful, then I'm ungrateful.

She tells me I need to care for her more, and I emotionally—

I'm not asking for money, I'm not asking for nothing but emotional support.

Okay, so when you come to me and you be like, Ma, I need you, you drop Armani off, then you leave. You pick your baby up, you leave. You drop him off, you leave.

You don't be around— When I'm going to work, when I'm going to work, you agreed to take him to school with me.

For me to be there to support you enough to have these conversations.

Are you feeling like she doesn't really want a relationship with you?

Yes.

I don't.

And just like now, you know, she— That's why I'm here to find out why. I feel like she hates me sometimes.

I'm sorry.

And that's why I'm here to find out because I love my daughter.

You just said you feel like your daughter hates you and you said, "I do hate her sometimes." I don't believe that. I believe that language is important. I believe that you're deeply hurt by your mom. I believe that you're deeply, But if you hated your mom, you wouldn't have tears streaming down your eyes.

I do, I do.

I know you do.

I feel like she hate me or I'm just, like she just disgraced me. Like I'm just this terrible child. I would do anything for her.

Yeah.

Anything for her.

How did it make you feel when she said earlier that throughout her dad being in jail that he was there more emotionally for her?

I don't see it. I just need her to trust me and understand that I'm here. But if you keep carrying this hatred towards me, I don't think that we gonna be able to make it work.

No. Well, I'm gonna tell you this 'cause this is why I said that earlier and I wanna take that word out of it. She doesn't have hate, she has hurt and you have hurt and both of your hurts differently. One is not more valid than the other, but I don't want y'all to keep throwing around this word hate. I think there's a piece of you because of the pain you experienced, may not be fully acknowledging what your mother did for you as a child. And I will say that. But when you say things which you know isn't gonna intentionally hurt your mother, like, "My father who was in jail was there for me more." Yes, I understand you're saying emotionally, "Was there for me more." It discounts every day that this woman's been there for you. It discounts it. And I just want, as a woman, as a mother yourself, to think about that?

I was a single mother.

I did the best I could with her.

I get it.

But it was still hell, Karamo.

I know, I know it was. But what I need in this moment of growth is for you to understand like that right there, like she was going through her own stuff and yes, it was hell for you, but sometimes the growth that we have to do is be able to, in this small moment, because I'm gonna get to you, is be able to acknowledge like, Your mother was getting, you said you're in a physically abusive relationship right now. She was in that. So she's getting hit trying to figure out what to do. The man that's the father of the child's in jail. So she's trying to figure out what to do, where we moving to, what we gotta do. I can understand that maybe you didn't have all the tools and that's all I'm trying to say. Can you at least say, I get it, you were there?

Yeah.

Give her a little credit for that.

Yeah, I get it. I get it, I understand.

Can you say that I see maybe that like, Life was hard and you didn't have the tools.

Yeah, life was hard and you didn't have the tools. I was by myself.

It was just me.

Ask your daughter, what does it mean for me to be there for you emotionally? What does that look like? Ask her.

What does it look like for me to be there for you emotionally?

I just feel like when I talk to you, you treat me like I'm 12 or 13 years old. Like I'm disrespectful, I'm this. And I'm like, well, I'm grown. And I'm like, you my mom. I feel like I could just come to you and just vent to you and you just listen.

[Speaker] So the first thing I'm gonna encourage you to do is take out the word disrespectful outta your vocabulary when you talk to her. 'Cause anytime you say that or even do that, it's gonna trigger her and y'all gonna be right back in this cycle. So take that out. So when you think she's being disrespectful, the word you're gonna replace it with is, oh, she's hurting right now. But I'm also say to you, you don't get to cuss out your mama no more. Can you listen to her?

Yes, I can.

Without any judgment?

Yes.

You can? Tell her, talk to your daughter.

I can listen to you.

I'm sorry. I can listen to you without any judgment.

There you go. Give your mama a hug. You gonna be all right. Y'all taking a big step right here. I'm so proud of y'all. And I really do respect y'all and I hope y'all wish y'all the best, okay? All right, good luck.