My 16-Year-Old Son Ran Away! | KARAMO

My guest Xena fears her 16-year-old son is throwing his life away and is here for my help. Everyone, please welcome Xena to the show so we can hear what is going on. Hi, Xena, how are you doing?

I'm doing well.

Can I have a hug?

Sure, of course.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Thank you for being here.

Absolutely, thank you for having me.

Yes, of course. So your son's name is Stefan?

Yes.

Stefan. My producers told me that he went missing last week.

Yes.

Is that true?

That's true.

Where did you find him?

Stephan has a habit of turning off his location on his device.

Okay.

He has me blocked on all social media platforms. Okay. So I can't track where he is. So it was actually my daughter who told me that she saw on his story that he was in a hotel.

Oh wow. Yeah. Is it true that a year ago that you had to file a missing person report?

Yes, absolutely.

What happened?

It was another incident where Stephan was getting in trouble at school. He gets in trouble so often that the principal and I actually have each other's personal phone numbers. Stephan was caught smoking again in the bathroom. He was caught drunk at school. So he came home. I confronted him with the information that I had and he just got so angry. And this was one of the first times I can say that I was actually afraid of my son. He had me up against the wall. He was in my face yelling. He's calling me idiots, calling me stupid, calling me out my name, calling me bitches. One of the things that I never wanted to have to do was call the police on my son. So I went to retrieve my phone to call the police and Stephan just took off out of the front door.

So he ran away that way?

He ran away and he was gone for over a week. I did not know where he was.

Got it.

And I honestly, sorry if I get emotional.

No, you can. It's just, I get it.

I never expected that I would have to wonder if my son was gonna make it home at night. Yeah. To have my own child disrespect me this way. Yeah. It has been so hurtful. It has been one of the hardest things I've had to overcome.

I'm super sorry. What did he say when he got home?

When he got home, he acted better for a little while. For a couple of days, it looked promising. I thought, okay, this time he's learned his lesson. He sees how hard it is in the streets, how he didn't have food, he didn't have anything, so maybe he's gonna get his act together. But Karamo, unfortunately, he went right back to his old ways. I'm finding out that he's hanging out with people who are gang affiliated. Who have guns, they're doing drugs. People are reporting to me that on social media they see videos of Stephan hanging outta windows, cursing at people on the streets, drinking, driving. I'm so scared that something is gonna happen to him.

Yeah, got it. Does he say he doesn't go to school?

He doesn't.

Does he say why he doesn't go to school?

He always has excuses. It's always, "They just marked me absent. I was there but they didn't see me." How old is Stephan? He's 16 now.

16, okay. When does he turn 17?

He'll be 17 in July.

In July, okay, got it. Did something happen that made his behavior change?

You know, I've been a single mother his entire life and we've been through a lot. There was rough patches and for one point I did move into a neighborhood that wasn't the best.

How old was he when you were in that environment?

He was about 8 years old.

Got it. Is his father in his life?

His father has been present on and off, but never consistently in his life.

Okay, everyone, I wanna meet Stephan and hear his side of the story. So everyone, please welcome Stephan to the show. Thank you for sharing. Hey Stephan, how you doing?

Pretty good, how about you?

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Take a seat from me. So your mom said you got in trouble for drinking in school. Were you drinking? Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, okay.

You need to be honest.

So what is your version of what happened when you got out?

When I got back home from school?

Yeah. Well, tell me, what's your version of what happened at school?

Oh, at school?

Yeah, tell me that first.

So basically I did whatever, I was drinking, and then I had went back to the school and I was in class, I was chilling. Like I think I was asleep in my 5th period and then the security, like walked in or something, my teacher was like, Stefan, somebody's here for you. So I got up, I walked to the door, and they were like escorting me. And then I was talking to him, I was like, oh, we going to the office or whatever? He's like, yeah, you finna go see the principal. I was like, oh, okay, let me go get my bag, because I'm like chill with the security, like I know them by name, they know me, whatever. So I walked back, I got my bag like from the class, and then I had came back to where he was at. I don't know if he didn't hear me or what. I came back, he wasn't there, so I just went back to my 5th period.

You need to tell him what really happened. Stephan ran away from campus and that's what he has a habit of doing.

Okay.

He runs away from his problems and that's what he did that day.

So Stephan, from your point of view, you said you just went back to class.

Yeah, I literally went back to 5th period, went to sleep. I didn't go to 6th period though. He wasn't there, so I went back to class and I just slept until the bell rang. I was actually late.

And Karamo, these are the stories that he's constantly telling.

Okay.

And they don't add up. And because I communicate with the school so often, I'm aware of what's going on. They're watching Stephen because he has a habit of doing these kinds of things.

I hear you. Hold on one second. So you got from 5th period, you went back to class, went to sleep, and then after the bell rang, you decided like, I'm not gonna go to 6th period, I'm already tired, I'm kind of feeling down, or what was it?

I just didn't feel like it. And Mom, they said something like I was hiding in the school or something. They had you check my location.

Yeah, he was in one of the bathrooms after he returned to campus, but he definitely ran off campus.

Do you sleep a lot at school?

Not really. I just wasn't feeling well.

You weren't feeling well, it's 'cause you was drinking. Mm-hmm. So, okay. So how's your grades?

I'd say they're decent. They've been slipping recently.

Okay, so what are you saying, like Cs and Ds?

I have like an F, a C.

Okay, and what classes that you have the F in?

I think it's AP biology or—

Okay. What happened when you got home that day and your mom had to call the cops? What made you so angry that you decided to get into her face?

'Cause I was just trying to get my point across and she wasn't like understanding. She always thinks I'm lying.

I got it, I got it. You understand why? 'Cause if there's been a history of situations where you lied, you know, sometimes people just get to a point where they're like, I don't know if I can trust this. Do you get that, right?

Yeah, like the boy who cried wolf or whatever.

Exactly. So why did you run away when your mom called the cops?

It was more of like I was scared more than anything. 'Cause I don't like cops, I don't mess with cops.

Yeah, where did you go?

I stayed with my friend for a bit in his RV.

Did you miss being home?

I mean, I guess so, yeah. Say yes or no.

Did you miss being at home? Yeah. Did you miss your mom?

Yeah.

See, this is the thing about you is that, and I'm gonna be very clear with everybody, the reason I'm talking to you is because I'm looking at a young man who's very, very smart. 'Cause I wanna be very clear with something. I was asking questions 'cause I need some details. When you say things like, "I'm getting an F in AP biology," you've been accepted into a program because you are gifted. And what I'm hearing is somebody who's gifted but also angry about something? What are you angry about?

Like before when I was younger, I don't know, I had like really bad anger issues.

And when did that start?

I don't even know. Do you know?

I would say probably around 5 or 6, honestly.

So for you, what happened at 5 or 6? How's your relationship with your dad? Let's start there. Do y'all two fight?

I mean, sometimes we argue. It just doesn't work.

Got it. Can I ask you something? Do you feel like a failure?

I wouldn't say that.

What do you feel like?

Pretty okay. I mean, I mess up sometimes, but I'd say I'm doing pretty good. Pretty good.

Yeah. Okay, so, Mom, I gotta tell you something, and this is real. Your son right now is a very smart young man. I think you know that. And the acting out, the hanging out, the drinking is all escapism from something that you don't wanna face. And it's destroying a future that I know you want. What do you wanna do?

I'm not sure. I think it's an actuary they're called. I think they calculate like the value that they can like cover your house from like hurricanes and like natural disasters.

Yeah. So you're a mathematician?

Yeah, I like math.

I figured you're good at math. Yeah. Because if you're in AP Bio, that means you're really great at math.

He's phenomenal at math.

Okay, so you'd wanna do these things. Mm-hmm. So you're not gonna get there if you don't talk about what's going on.

And this is what he does. He shuts me out every single time.

The reason he's shutting you out is because he's afraid to go deep inside himself. Can you make a promise to me commitment that when you go home every week, you'll write down what you think it may be.

I can do that.

And give it to your mom.

Yeah, give it to her.

But this is the thing, is that she's the person who's gonna help you through it. She is gonna always be there. You heard her. It's the truth. I used to do some reckless things. And my mother used to never, she used to always get upset, she was frustrated or whatever, but like she was always there. And one day someone, a social worker told me and said, "Hey, write it down, try to figure it out." I said, "I don't know what it is." And I wrote it down and kept writing down. And the more I wrote it down, one day I figured it out and I circled that and I gave it to her and we figured it out from that day forward. Now I got a damn talk show. I'm saying that to you to say, there's something you can figure out that you become this person you wanna be. Can you say to your mom, "I will try to figure it out"?

I will try to figure it out.

Say, "Mom, I promise you I'll write down once a week what I think it could be." I promise I'll write down once a week what I think it might be.

Okay, that's a start. That is a start.

It's just a start. Anything you wanna say?

I think I wanna talk about like my restrictions, like, 'cause I have to be home by 6:00 PM and I'm almost 18.

But let's be real and be real just for a second. You think she can trust you outta town when you already running away and you smoking and drinking at school? Because I'm almost sure just looking at your mom and talking to her, if you had chilled off of that and you was cool off of that and she knew you weren't at school doing this stuff, I'm almost sure she'd be like, "Yeah, stay outside." Absolutely. So if you don't wanna hold on tight, show her that I can be responsible in the world. And you're smart enough, I know it, but you gotta meet her halfway.

Exactly.

Can you meet her halfway?

Yeah, I can.

So what can you do so that y'all can meet halfway? Give her one thing. This is all about first steps.

No messages home from the school for 2 months.

It should be ever.

It should be ever. Hold on. It should be ever. But this is the thing. What he's asking you doing that, he set a boundary that he set.

Okay.

And now he say, meet me halfway.

I can respect that.

What do you want from her?

Probably to be out like later. I'll say like 8:00 PM if that's cool.

That's reasonable. Mm-hmm.

I think I can do that.

Tell him.

I can do that, son.

Can I give you one last thing?

Yes.

I know he's cried wolf before in the past, but you gotta start to believe his stories. And when he tells you what he's feeling and when he's telling you what happened, even as it sounds crazy to you, just listen.

Okay.

Because I noticed today when I was on stage and she was cutting you off and when I kept listening to you and hearing your side of the story, I saw you get emotional and I saw you also start to relax a little bit. Why?

I don't know, I guess I felt heard, I guess.

If that makes sense.

Sorry.

It's just a way to connect. He deserves it.

Absolutely.

I believe you're gonna be all right. And if you a mathematician, I know one thing, you plus mom equals success. So stick with it, all right?