My Husband Has A Porn Addiction! 😏🍆 | KARAMO

So 33 days without sex? Yes, sir. What's going on?

We've been together, I'm gonna start out, we've been together for 5 years. We've been living together for 5 years. At first he was watching porn, but now it's becoming very excessive to the point that I'm not getting any.

Was sex a big part of your relationship at the beginning?

I think sex is the biggest part for anybody. I mean, that makes intimacy and sex, that's what makes the relationship keep it going.

So prior to 33 days ago, how often were y'all having sex?

We'll get it in, you know, 4, 5 times a week. We was like jackrabbits.

Get it, girl.

I'm like an energized bunny. Buddy, if you even gonna rap out, I get it going, baby.

I ain't mad at you, girl. I ain't mad at you.

Keep it going.

So how was the sex in the beginning? Was it great?

Oh yes, it's great. That's why I want it now. You know? It's very great.

So when did you first notice that your sex life was changing?

Last year, beginning of last year.

Beginning of last year?

Yes, sir.

And what was changing? How did the intimacy change?

I just started checking his browser on Google, and I seen that he was watching porn. And every time I asked him to have sex, he would say he too tired. And I don't have a problem with porn. He just watches too much excessively. I can't get it. And number two, I'm Black. I'm a young Black woman. His porn is mature white women.

Oh.

You know what I mean? So that kind of make me feel some type of way a little bit too.

Yeah, of course. What is it?

Are you attracted to that or do you want to be with me?

So was he watching porn at the beginning of your relationship?

It wasn't that bad. Probably once a month. But just out the blue, it's starting every day.

So you feel like it's turning into an addiction?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Very much so.

And why do you feel the addiction?

He takes his phone in the shower.

Takes his phone in the shower.

With him in the shower and you hear the porn playing.

Have you talked to him about his porn addiction?

Yes.

And what does he say?

He doesn't think it's a problem. He said most men watch porn, but I don't think most men watch porn as much like that.

So you say there's house rules that he throws in your face. What are those?

He really don't throw house rules in my face. It's just he makes little comments. Like we get mad at each other, like we might be arguing and I might go on and turn the heat on, you know what I mean? He'll say, Don't turn the heat all the way up, it's too hot. And I might say it's too cold and he be like, that may bring on another argument.

Don't touch the thermostat. He counts potato chips?

No, he doesn't count potato, like not the individual bags, not the chips individually.

Oh, okay, I was about to say, okay.

That's a lot of counting right there.

Yeah, okay. And guests have an open invite?

Uh-huh.

Okay, let's hear his side of the story. So everyone welcome Kawan to the show. Hey, how you doing?

Hello, everybody.

Take a seat for me.

How you doing today? How you doing, sir?

So 33 days to go without sex with your wife is a long time. What's going through your head?

She kind of a turnoff, man.

She's a turnoff?

She kind of a turnoff. Attitudes. I don't know if she told you, but I work full-time. I cook, I clean.

Who wanna come home from a long day of work and be like, "Bae, can I get some?" She said you argued and she said you argued, but you're saying the attitude, her attitude and the argument is worse. So what do y'all argue about?

Whenever she don't get her way. Like I said, she don't work or nothing, so I'm providing everything.

But he was cool with me not working. That was our agreement.

Don't expect me to buy your cigarettes every time. If you got your habits, take care of your habits. You know what I'm saying? You gotta put your foot out there, you know what I'm saying, to make me want you.

But Karamo, he the one told me it was cool for me. He said, "I'm a man, baby." That's what he said. "Baby, I'm a man. I got this. I gotta take care of this." That's when it was good though.

This the whole thing, right?

But you can't bet, Trey.

You can't say that. This the whole thing, right? Right? If you a team and you got your dude back, when you up, you up, you know what I'm saying? Cool, it is what it is. But you as a woman, you supposed to know, all right, it's time for me to step in, it's time to click in. Bae going through something. Let me step it up and help him out. It's just that simple.

Do you feel like you've communicated that to her, that I need some more support?

Communicated? Man, yeah. That's what we argue about. That's all we talk about.

So he's saying that he's telling you that he needs more support and that's directly correlated to why he doesn't wanna have sex. Are you receiving that?

I receive it, but he still, that's not, I feel like that's not the reason. It's just he watch too much porn. That's it. That's why he's too tired to have sex.

Tired is an excuse though. Like that's what I'm saying. Like, I'd rather say I'm watching porn than hurt your feelings and be like, I don't wanna touch you.

So why does she think you have a porn addiction?

Huh?

Why does she think you have a porn addiction?

She probably, I do watch porn. You know what I'm saying? Who don't watch porn?

Like he like this lady, mature lady, very pretty. Like this type of lady, the lady back there, she's very looking nice.

So you said that he's watching porn So you said that he doesn't like Black women in his porn. He likes older white women.

Mature.

Mature white women. We gotta say mature. Mature white women.

I'm sorry. He's at a point. I gotta cut me off. I gotta cut me off.

I'm sorry.

I gotta cut me off. You point out.

I'm sorry.

I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm sorry.

She's pretty though.

She's pretty.

I definitely—

I'm sorry.

That made me fall out. I'm sorry. She said like you, like you.

Hi.

Let me talk to you.

So apparently you're his type. How do you feel? I'm so pleased.

Okay, so pleased. Okay, who else did you say? You said this woman up here?

The lady right next to the gentleman.

This right here?

Yes, right there.

This is my friend. Come on down here for me. Come on down, homie. Come on down. This is my— this is a friend of the show. She comes, she takes her notes. I love her so much.

So you're his type.

How do you feel?

Hey, it's gotta be somebody's birthday.

OK.

I'm just saying, you look good to have for your birthday. I am 66.

You're 66? Yeah, you look good for 66.

Thank you.

So this is what you watching?

I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad.

Yeah, Jill spoiled me. So you know, there, I probably went out a little more.

You got some competition.

Hold on, her husband right here. You got some competition. Thank you so much. I'll let you go back. I'm not gonna lie, that took me out when you started pointing. I'm sorry, that took me out.

I move furniture, so I might come in the house tired, you know what I'm saying? Back hurting, legs hurting.

Well, ask him the last time he got your back massaged.

She don't work. She don't work.

Oh, so I don't work, I don't get no back massage?

She's sitting in a bed all day.

I don't work, I don't get no back massage.

The bed massaging your back, dude, when you sitting there the whole day. If I gotta come in off work and be rubbing my leg like, woo, I had a hard day, and she got there and sit right there, What are you feeling?

Like you're having some emotions right now. What's going on? Talk to me.

I just want our relationship to be equal and fair.

Okay.

I'm willing to make some changes, but I want him to be understanding to my needs also.

And that's what's making you cry right now?

Yep.

I just want him to be more understanding. I want us to both be able to get both on the same page.

So have you ever had an honest conversation about the expectations?

I don't think I have.

I don't know. I really don't.

Honestly, I really can't answer that.

Please don't be fooled by the crying. Don't be fooled by it, man.

I mean, her emotions are valid, you know what I mean? That's what I'm saying.

This your first time dealing with her?

No, but he dismissed me a lot though.

I deal with her every day.

He dismissed me. Don't no woman wanna be dismissed by they man.

She cried every 10 minutes. You get what I'm saying?

You put me down.

She cried every 10 minutes.

Okay.

You know what I'm saying?

'Cause you know I'm emotional, I'm sensitive.

You be like, "Babe, can you buy me some cigarettes?" "I ain't got it right now." Oh my God. Well, come on, bro.

It's not right. Well, the interesting part is I know it's hard It's fun, but you know, and I know that in the moment, especially when you're in a relationship and it's repetition, you start to get desensitized to it. So you start to say to yourself, well, don't get fooled by this. That ain't that, that ain't this. But at the end of the day, I'm a third party and I'm listening to the language you all are using. And so I'm hearing both of you say constantly, I feel dismissed, I feel dismissed. He's not hearing me, I'm not hearing him. I want things to be equal. Earlier you said, I want things to be equal, I need support. There's a bigger problem here of how you're communicating about what is the expectations of this relationship. Have y'all realized that?

Yeah.

You know it and you know it.

Yes, sir.

So if you both know it, why are you not having that conversation?

I guess I'm gonna say I'm willing to do my part, but she's not willing to step up and do her part. She's not— I'm willing to do my part, Karamo. She's not willing to—

So let's be real with this because the thing is, is that I can already, I understand completely why you're not having sex. See, the libido is connected to our emotions. And so if there's negative emotions around it, of course it's going to stall the sex. But that's because there's not a real conversation here about what's really going on. You all are expecting the other person to give you more support and more understanding, and you're both feeling dismissed. You're both feeling dismissed. And so the thing is, there has to be clear boundaries and clear expectations written out of what you want. I wanna start with one today. What is one thing you need in this relationship to make you feel like you're not being dismissed and making you feel like you're being supported?

Well, I would need you, Karamo, just be there. Ask me how my day going, you know what I'm saying? Like I said, if I come in the house and I'm tired or whatever, support that. Don't let me come in the house tired and I gotta still cook and do all this extra stuff. Then after I cook, I gotta wash the dishes. Like, come on, bro. Wash the dishes or something.

So those are two different things 'cause you first said, I want you to ask me how I'm doing. Well, no, it's okay because the thing is, this is why you work this out. You first said you want concern because you want her to be empathetic to what you're experiencing. But then you said, I need you to actually do certain tasks. One is emotion, one is physical-based. So which one is the first one that you need when you walk in the house?

I really don't care about the emotion. I just need you to do more.

That's good to know. See, the reason I broke it down like that and separated them for you is because when you're in a relationship, you can have conversations and you start to bring in more than one things and then it gets confused. Because one is talking about emotion, one's talking about a physical action. And so it's good for you, you just clarified, you was like, hey, you know what? It's not even about the emotion, which means he's getting enough emotional support in some ways, but he cares more about the actual physical actions. He needs physical actions to show him that he's being supported. So what are the physical actions you need her to do?

Just specify what it is. I need her to clean more.

You want more help with cleaning?

More help with cleaning, more help with food.

And when you say food, cooking it or buying it?

Cooking it, just share the role that I do.

Can you support him in doing those things?

Yes, I can.

Great.

I get what you're saying. I definitely get it. But we've been together like 4 years, man.

I understand.

It's like—

But y'all both, but hold on, lemme tell you this. Y'all both set this pattern in motion. Y'all both set it in.

I get it.

So I understand your hesitation about like, well, I don't believe she gonna do it.

But you put it down already.

Because y'all already did it. So if you want to actually grow and be better, You have to believe. And what's gonna change now is not only the belief, I'm giving you action steps.

Yeah, I agree.

So she's saying she commits to doing it and now I'm telling you, you call her an hour before and say, "Hey, I'm on my way home. I just want to have your support in making sure the house is clean so that way we can just be together." Can you commit now to calling her ahead of time and saying, "Hey, I need you to do these things"?

Yeah, I can.

Okay, good. There we go. First step. Now what do you need? Good job. What do you need?

Emotional support.

So you need emotional support? Mm-hmm. So what do you need him to say?

To be more understanding to my feelings and stop dismissing them just like he just did now. Like, don't believe the hype with the crying.

I get it, I get it. But that needs to be more specific. What is it exactly you need him to say?

When he get home, "Bae, how was your day?" Even though you don't work, "How was your day?" Just 'cause I don't work don't mean I'm useless.

So you feel like you do that?

Listen, I tell her I love her, I tell her she pretty. I ask her what's wrong when she going through it. I ask her, "Is there anything I could do?" I do stuff like that.

I get that, but that's not all the things you just said. I admire you as a man and as a son, that someone is in a relationship that you're doing that, but that's not what she said she needed. She said she just needed you to come home and ask her how her day is. She understands that she wants you, but she needs you to ask her how she's doing. So tell him, all I need is for you to ask me how I'm doing.

That's all I need you to ask me is how am I doing?

Yo, the mood changes all the time. So like even I come in here and be like, babe, how was your day today? It was good. 2 minutes later she going off or mad about something. So it's like, I'm not gonna hold her.

Okay, well, so then good. So I'm glad you said that because that means that you can't change the finish line. If the finish line is, hey, this is what I need you to ask and you change it 2 minutes later, he's not in the wrong. You are in the wrong and then you're damaging your relationship.

I don't think that's it. Like, I think it's something else or whatever it is.

What do you think it is?

That I need to, I don't know, me personally, 'cause I feel like I do a lot, but me asking her how her day was.

I'm only going off what she said. I just met y'all 30 minutes ago, so I can't do that.

I really want her to tell you. That's what I meant.

So that's what it is. Yeah, that's why I say every time I say something, he's questioning it. I can say this is what I mean. I don't feel like it's this. Then that made me shut down. I wanna say stop. He's telling me what I'm not trying to say.

So she needs you to just believe her. Believe her. Why don't you believe your wife when she says things to you?

Ask her how many times she lied to me.

Has there been distrust in this relationship?

Mm-hmm.

Got it. So that is something that you have to rebuild, the trust. The trust. Because at the end of the day, this is fun for us to talk about the lack of sex and those things. But in a relationship, the reason that sex goes is because there's bigger issues. And so we're hearing it right now. It's a lack of support, it's a lack of dismissing, and there's also trust issues. And a lot of this, now that I'm hearing this, I'm gonna just be honest, I'm hearing it's coming from you.

Okay.

So there's some work you gotta do. You said earlier you like being toxic. But that toxicity is going to end your relationship. And I'm not saying he's perfect and I'm not saying you the bad guy. Please, I don't want you to leave here thinking that. But he's saying that there was lies in the beginning, that's why he's questioning you. Can you understand that though?

Yes.

And can you understand how that is playing into the sex?

I can now.

You can now. And it's hurt you.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah? You ready to do the work?

See, no, I'm not going nowhere though. I understand the emotion and stuff, but it's like I'm not going nowhere. So like instead of crying about it, let's just get over it and like work through whatever we need to work through.

But this is a big step right here because before this, from my standpoint, y'all had never had this honest communication about exactly what you needed.

Never.

And now it's on the table.

Okay.

And you can be assured that your man is telling you right now, I'm not going anywhere. He loves you.

I love him too.

You love him too. But it's time for y'all to do the work. Tell your partner you're ready to do the work.

I'm ready to do the work.

Yeah, I'm ready to do the work too.

All right, good. That's the first step. That's all y'all can take here. And with y'all doing the work, the sex will come back organically. All right? All right. Good luck to both of y'all. Hold on, where you going? I'll tell you where you're going. Right here to subscribe and right here to watch more.

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