Luna talks about her mother Teresa's lifelong emotional dumping and misgendering. After Luna comes out as queer and non-binary, Teresa joins to apologize and commit to respecting her pronouns and setting boundaries. Karamo helps them map concrete steps toward healing.
I feel like just growing up, I just was used to my mom always needing to dump everything on me. So I've been in therapy for the past 3 years and my healing journey is still going on right now. Coming to terms with my queerness and being a lesbian and being non-binary, I think all of that was really, really hard for me.
So where do your feelings of abandonment come from?
[SIGH] From my mom. Because I just felt like she gave up on me. I feel like she was just really depressed herself and I don't blame her for that, but I just feel like I just got so used to growing up and her being locked in her room. And so that was really hard for me. And then she actually moved when I was 17 and I lived with my siblings. So I think that made it worse.
Got it. So how has your queer identity affected your relationship with your mother?
I came out to her when I was around 20 and we had a conversation and I think she was just taken aback because of fear because what is everyone else in our family gonna think? And it was just brushed under the rug. She never took me seriously. And then it just got harder when I came out as non-binary because it's just the language, Spanish is her first language and the language wasn't accessible for her. I don't speak Spanish fluently myself. So I think I was really working hard on trying to make it accessible for her and help her learn that because she still misgenders me and I think that really hurts me a lot.
Oh, so she still misgenders you now?
She does try, but I think when she's speaking really fast or with family, she just like completely forgets.
Got it. You say you think you have forgiven your mom. Please explain what that means.
Because every time I think I do, she'll make a comment about like the past. She's always living in the past. And I feel like once I thought I've forgiven her, I'm like, I don't know how to help you. I don't know how we can move forward and finally like just live our lives.
Because you say I've forgiven you and then it's a constant conversation. Yes. What do you want from your mother?
I just want us to be able to like have a strong relationship with better boundaries. I think boundaries is a huge problem and I just want us to be happy together.
Got it, okay. Well, listen everyone, the first step is setting boundaries and having the conversation with your mom. I want everyone to welcome Luna's mother to the show, Teresa. How are you doing, Teresa?
Okay.
Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
Yes, so I wanna ask you, because I see you're emotional already, how does it make you feel to hear what your child is saying?
It hurts, it hurts, but I'm aware I know what they're saying is right. I wasn't there, and I have told them how sorry I am. I was not me. I was— my priorities at those moments were other issues. I just went to my room and cried all the time. I forgot that I had a baby still. I forgot to be a mom.
Sorry. How long do you think you were in that state of like depression, it sounds like?
Probably 2 years.
Wow.
Or even more, some, a long time. And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
What do you need from your mother?
I need for my mom to support me. I need for—
Tell your mom.
You're right. You right, you right. I need for you to support me in all of my identities. I need for you to respect my pronouns and my chosen name. I need you to also respect my boundaries. I just need you to support me. To be able to respect me and also not always make things about yourself.
Is that something you think you can do?
That's something that I'm gonna try to do.
Mm-hmm. Why do you think it's hard for you to do that?
Because I trust my baby very much.
See, the interesting thing here is that the reason that you trust Luna so much is because Luna was there in your darkest moments.
Yes.
I understand why you do it, but I also think that you can do more because your child is saying, "This is what I need." But what I also need both of you to understand, and especially you, Mom, is that healing is not linear. But also, Mom, you have to stop victimizing yourself. You feel so bad about the past that you wanna keep bringing it up and saying, "I'm sorry," but you actually are making things worse. Am I correct on that?
100%.
You're making it worse. So you have to hear your child when they say, "I forgive you." Tell your mother.
I forgive you. I've been through so much.
Listen, there's a lot of love there. There's a lot of love in this family. Y'all are gonna be okay. And I wish y'all the best of luck.
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