Trans Woman Left Out Of Sister's Wedding But Is Mom The Problem? | KARAMO
In this episode of The Karamo Show, host Karamo mediates a heated family discussion involving Indi, a Black trans woman, her sister Topaz, and their mother Donna. The conflict began when Indi was told she could not walk arm‑in‑arm with the groomsmen at Topaz’s wedding because the groomsmen were uncomfortable with her being transgender. Indi felt betrayed and confronted Topaz, leading to a hostile text exchange where both accused each other of disrespect and ruining the wedding. The conversation expands to reveal deeper family tensions: Topaz’s accusations that Donna is trying to obtain grandparents’ rights and has previously involved child protective services, Donna’s denial and claims of being a loving mother, and recollections of a toxic, substance‑filled household with past abuse. All three participants express feelings of being unheard, unloved, and judged. Karamo guides them toward empathetic listening, acknowledges intergenerational trauma, and encourages concrete actions like offering hugs and seeking further help. The episode ends with a hopeful note that the family can begin to heal through better communication and support.
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I need to know what happened.
So my sister was having a wedding.
Okay.
And she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I was told that I was supposed to be walking down separately and it's because the grooms did not feel comfortable because they told the grooms that I'm transgender. So that's why the grooms did not wanna walk down the aisle with me linked arm in arm.
So was that exactly what was said about you?
Yes.
Okay. And how did that make you feel when you found this information out?
I felt betrayed by my own sister because my thing is as a Black trans woman, I go through that a lot on the outside world, but my own sister, that was kind of, you know, [MASKED].
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What I don't like, for one, I wasn't sleeping with anyone in that wedding. So I feel like there was no need for my information to be told to anyone. And second, it seems like someone is insecure or something of me because like who goes to a wedding and just like, if you were in an interracial wedding and they told you, oh, I don't feel comfortable walking with you because you're Black, you would feel some type of way too.
Preach.
So I mean.
That is, whoever that man is, I hope he is watching because that makes him a very insecure little man. The fact that you couldn't walk with a strong, beautiful Black woman next to you. And so I understand how you would feel that way.
Yeah.
Yeah. So you confronted Topaz about this, right?
I confronted her and she, this is a cold bitch. She is a cold bitch 'cause she made it seem like I was blowing it outta proportion. She made it seem like I was doing the most, I was ruining her wedding. She told me, you don't show up, I don't show up to any of your lifetime achievements. And I said, you go low, I go submarine. You don't show up, you don't show up, I don't show up to your funeral.
And that's it. Now that's harsh. That's right there. Okay, so this is a text exchange between you all. It says, are you in the wedding or not? No, I thought about everything and I no longer wanted to attend. Tell to keep my name out of his mouth. He's not hard to find out here. If you wanna keep my nieces away from me, 2 deuces, but like you say, I can't have my own kids anyway, right? Until you learn to respect, I don't want you nowhere around me or mines 'cause your attitude is not what I want my kids to think is okay.
What did I do to disrespect anyone? Simply stand on principle and not wanna be in a wedding because I was disrespected?
Uh-huh, got it.
I don't understand that.
Did you attend?
No, I did not.
Yes, I did.
I stood on that. I did not.
Okay.
It's interesting because half the audience has mixed reactions. Half of y'all are feeling like she should have attended. If you felt like she should have attended, please clap. Okay, so then the rest of you feel like she should have stayed. If you feel like she made the right decision and didn't go, clap.
Okay, interesting.
Thank you.
So when was the last time you spoke to your sister?
The last time I spoke to her was that text message right there.
Wow. And so Topaz says you ruined her wedding. Do you feel like you ruined her wedding?
I don't.
You're painting a picture as if I'm homophobic. How am I painting a picture? And one thing I'm not is homophobic. I asked you, can you be a part of my wedding? Correct? I did not ask you. I said, can you be a bridesmaid?
Correct?
Okay, okay. It was 5 men that were the groomsmen, okay?
Okay.
They already knew you before you even transgendered over, so it's not my point to be like, oh, you made it seem like you told them. You took it and you blew it out of proportion.
You blew it out of proportion. No, I did not.
I even asked you. I said, I don't care what nobody has to say. I want you to be a part of my day.
I did.
And then I asked you, if you don't want to be in the way, can you sit in the back?
Can you sit in the balcony?
Because I want you there.
You did not say all of that. I asked you.
I am not homophobic at all, so do not try and paint that picture that I am, because I'm not.
Homophobic.
And you know that. You know that. I used to help you do your wigs, your makeup, everything.
What about those other comments?
I can't have you in the audience.
What other comments?
What are you talking about?
You said she blew it out of proportion. What happened?
I asked her to be a part of my big day, right? I'm not playing the victim. She agreed. Okay, my husband's groomsmen, they already know Indi prior to her transgendering over.
Transition, yes.
Transition, yes. So with that being said, I said Indi, they had a problem with holding her hand. That was the only issue, okay? I said, you know what? I don't even care about none of that shit. If they got a problem holding your hand, I still want you walking in my wedding. I don't have a problem with that at all. Yes, I did.
Because if you would've got all of that, I would've still attended. You missing a point.
But if you would've sat down and had a conversation with me.
Topaz, you wrong and you know you wrong, Topaz. Topaz, you wrong and you know you wrong.
Mind your business and sit your ass down. Mind your business. Mind your business. Mind your business. You need to mind your business.
This is your mother Donna, right?
Mind your business.
This is my business.
Mind your shit. That's why I'm here.
Donna, I wanna welcome you to the show.
Thank you.
Thank you.
These are your daughters and clearly I just saw immediately that there's tension between you and Topaz because of the way that you all communicated there. What's going on and what has happened from your perspective?
What's happening? If it don't go Topaz's way, it's the highway. With Topaz, she's always right. She always likes to bring up the past, which is wrong 'cause we all have a past at the end of the day. At the end of the day, I'm your mother, Missy.
Oh, you talking to me?
Yeah, I'm talking to you. Oh, okay. And when things don't go her way, I don't get to see I didn't see my grandchildren.
Mom, you just put papers out on me and my children to try and get full custody and visitation rights.
No, I didn't try to get full custody. I did not try to get full custody. Yes, you did.
You tried to drag me in front of the court 'cause you couldn't see the kids.
Grandparents' rights. There was no abuse on my behalf, so the grandparents' rights.
'Cause I wasn't expecting this part right here, and now something new has opened up.
She's a trifling drunk.
That's what you are. First of all, I'm not a drunk. I don't even drink anymore, sweetie.
So you said that you, you're saying that your mother called CPS on you and you're saying that you requested grandparents' rights?
No, I didn't call CPS on her.
Okay, so you requested grandparents' rights?
Yes, through the court. She didn't want visitation.
She wanted full custody with the paperwork. When grandparents' rights are requested, it's usually saying that the parent is delinquent in a way. It's not actually about just me getting visitation. It doesn't work the same way as it works like in a custody battle between two people. So were you aware of that?
No, I wasn't aware of that. And when I became aware of that, I dropped it.
Got it. Okay then, got it. So you found out that—
No, you couldn't prove abusive neglect, so the charges were dropped.
I dropped it. I said you are a phenomenal mother. Y'all always gang up on me.
This is what I mean with you. Me and India are sitting here having a conversation, and instead of you being a mother and saying y'all need to work this out and get it together, you're immediately jumping to her side.
No, I'm not jumping on nobody's side. I'm not jumping on nobody's side. I'm on both of y'all's side.
No, you're not.
I'm on both of y'all's side.
You just jumped to defense mode just now, Freddie.
Well, I apologize. I apologize.
It sounds like she feels like she gets ganged up on by the two of you.
I do.
And that's not the case.
That's not the case. She's a toxic mother and she likes to turn all of us against each other.
So you say. No, I don't turn y'all against each other.
You turn all of us against each other.
No, I don't.
That's exactly what you do.
Okay.
I'm tired of it.
Donna, how was your relationship with Topaz as a child?
It was beautiful. It was marvelous.
It was?
It was great.
From your perspective as well?
A lot of drugs and alcohol in the household. A lot.
Okay.
It was a very toxic household. Yes, it was. Domestic violence and everything. Don't sit here and lie.
Do you feel like your mother instigates stuff?
I wouldn't say she instigated, but sometimes when they at each other at the same time, and then if me and her have a problem at the same time, it's kind of like, oh, well, we both not messing with her at the same time. So I mean, we just not speaking.
Which validates your feeling of feeling ganged up on.
Yes. Got it, heard it.
Okay, so from your point of view, Donna, what's going on with your daughter? Why do you think y'all have a problem?
I haven't seen my grandkids in almost a year.
Why is that?
Why is that?
What did you do?
Because if I don't go by what you want me to do.
What did you do?
Topaz, don't sit here and do that.
What did you do?
You tell me what I did.
I always do stuff.
You showed pictures. I'm always convicted.
You did something with my best friend. You started up some drama with my best friend, showing her and comparing pictures of the kids to different people. It's not the father. Just being messy.
So she told other people that your child's father was not your child's father?
Yes.
Whatever, Topaz.
Is that true?
That's not true. There's always two sides to a story.
I wanna hear it.
That's not true.
'Cause she's messy.
No, actually I'm not messy, sweetie. You're the messy one.
At this point, we are messy.
But do they always go back like this? Is it always? This is constant.
And we get nowhere. We gonna get nowhere. She like to talk about stuff that happened 20 and 30 years ago. I don't do drugs.
Then you just stand up. Topaz, you dead wrong. You dead wrong.
I don't have to keep on repeating.
You gotta stop jumping. You gotta stop doing that and just be neutral. 4 children, not 3.
You have 3.
Okay, and I will be very mutual with my children. If they're wrong, they're wrong.
So you feel like she's never given you this equal amount of love and support?
No.
Okay, she said early on that when she was younger, I heard it and I wrote it down quickly. She said that when she was younger and before you got with her father or something of that nature, I missed a little bit of that story, that she was raised with her grandmother, that you left her alone in New York. You said you got left in New York. So she's already felt, how old were you at that age?
Maybe about 10.
So you were 10 years old?
About 11 or 12.
Okay. Either way, it's young. And she felt like she then at that point was left behind.
I had to learn how to do my own hair by myself. I had to learn things that you was supposed to be there to teach me.
I apologize.
You don't, you take accountability for my actions. I apologize. I apologize once again. You are a beautiful, phenomenal woman, a daughter. Just keep that attitude.
[Speaker] The problem is, is that, the problem is, is that you're telling her to let go of the feelings that she's had, but that's easier said than done for you because you've grown past it. But she's still, and I think this is something that I talk about constantly on the show, is that when it comes to our kids, kids are still in that age. Even though she's grown, she just told you that I heard a little kid talking. I needed my mother to teach me how to brush my hair, to do these things, and she didn't have it. So when you say, get over it, it's in the past, I'm sorry, I understand why she feels like it's insincere. My granny used to always tell me, you got two ears and one mouth, you're supposed to be doing one double time. And I think in this moment, you're supposed to be listening to her a lot more than you saying sorrys.
Okay, you're right.
Do you feel like your mother ever truly just listens to you? No, Mom. You don't? Tell your mother.
You don't listen to me. You don't listen to me.
I do listen to you.
No, you don't.
I remember when there was a time when we were like, I know I'm your mother, but we were like best friends as well.
Well.
Do you remember that time?
Not really, no. She's looking at it from her perspective. I never.
You never considered her your best friend?
I can't sit down and, Mom, when's the last time you gave me a hug?
It's been a long time ago.
I can't, I love you. Karamo. You don't do that.
I can relate to her on that because we didn't really grow up with the I love yous and the hugs and the kisses in the household.
Got it. Both of your daughters have told you right now that they didn't grow up feeling like they got love from mom. Your daughter just also confirmed it right now. She just said like, we didn't grow up in that household.
Well, I apologize. At that time, I didn't love myself. So if you can't love yourself, you can't love nobody else.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I understand that. Did y'all know that about her at that point?
Okay, but why didn't you leave? If you felt that way, why didn't you leave and try and give us a better childhood?
Can I stop you somewhere?
Yes.
Because I asked your mother to listen to you and when she just said something, you acknowledged it. She told you that she didn't even love herself back then. Did you know that? And I'm not trying to say as a child that that was your job.
Right.
But what we're trying to do is that right now, The same way I said to her, two ears, one mouth. Your mother just expressed something to you. And I think part of the breakdown here is that neither of y'all are acknowledging the vulnerability. Y'all are saying, "I see it." Y'all like, "Okay, I got it. Okay, I got it. I hear you." But y'all are just not listening to each other. Y'all not. There's no empathetic listening in this relationship. Different than listening, empathetic listening. Like I'm really listening. Your mother said she didn't love herself. And again, I understand you had your own trauma.
Yes.
But you took a moment and was like, I didn't know that.
I didn't know that. I did not know you was feeling that way.
And I know you have your own pain, but I just want you to take a moment and think. I can only imagine what that feeling is like.
Probably horrible, especially having to still be a mom to 4 kids and get up and care for us and stuff like that. I'm sorry you felt that way.
Thank you.
I'm sorry. You're welcome.
What your daughter just did is she modeled She modeled exactly what y'all gotta start doing for each other. I can understand the frustration and you trying to protect your children. And I think all of y'all can remind each other that like, yo, when I'm feeling like I'm not being heard, say to each other, okay, I'm gonna stop and I'm gonna use these two more than I do this. I think that's a lesson for all of y'all. I think this is all y'all gotta do is this to each other.
Listen more.
Listen, you can't choose your family, but you can choose how you react and how you listen to them.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
And so I just wish y'all the best of luck with that. Before I go, your daughters both said they don't feel the love and affection. Instead of saying something, just show them right now.
I'll give them a hug.
Do you want it though? Ask them. Do you want it?
Can I hug you?
Do you want it?
I love you.
I love you. I love you, sir.
There's some more work that needs to be done here, but hopefully I've given you a little bit of a step for you to be heard. Do you feel a little heard?
I feel a little bit better.
You do? You do?
Good.
Do you feel a little bit heard, Zane? Yes. Do you feel heard, Zane?
I do.
Good.
As long as y'all can use this as the first step to keep moving on. Listen, I'm gonna give y'all my number. If y'all need some help too, give me a call, all right? Y'all call me and be like, "Hey, she ain't listening." Okay, I'm gonna be like, "Okay, put her on the phone." I'm gonna get y'all, all right?
Okay, thank you. All right, thank you.
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