Esther, 19 and from a dysfunctional family, asks Karamo how to prepare for a healthy relationship. Karamo, who grew up in an abusive household, says define what healthy looks like for you first, then establish clear boundaries around communication, trust, respect, and sexual expectations. Practice stating your needs until they feel natural.
Chapters
Hey, Karamo.
What's your name?
Esther.
Esther.
Okay, so first off, I want to thank you. Thank you for having the perfect balance. It's like when your guests come onto the stage and you know you need to be honest and you're so authentic and genuine. And then a few minutes later when your audience wants to have fun, you're just all in it. You're like, I'm doing it. So thank you. I appreciate that.
Thank you. I appreciate that. That's who I am.
Now for my question. I'm the youngest of 14. Same mom, same dad, and a lot of dysfunction and trust issues.
Yes.
Now, growing up, I didn't have anyone to look up to so I could be like, well, now that's a healthy marriage. So I'm 19, I'm in no rush, but I want to know what can I better myself for when I do get into a relationship? Instead of pushing the person away, I could let them in and trust them.
Well, first of all, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it about the show. That's what I try to do here at the show is to be as authentic, but also as supportive as possible. Like, I like it to be messy, but I also need us to grow. Like, there has to be growth. And now for you, I understand your feelings. I understand what it's like to not see a healthy relationship. I grew up in a household, I've talked about it all the time, where it was not healthy. My father used to abuse my mother. We had money issues and we stayed at hotels. And I'm not saying these are any of your issues, But I used to say to myself like, how the hell am I supposed to be in a healthy relationship when I ain't seen one? And how the hell am I supposed to trust that the person I'm supposed to be with is gonna show up and grow in the same way? I'll tell you the first thing that you need to do is you need to understand what a healthy relationship look like to you.
Right. Honestly, I haven't seen that growing up.
I know, but what is it? It doesn't matter what you haven't seen. What do you want a healthy relationship look like?
So I haven't really thought about it.
And that's the first step. It's still important that you go in with a clear set of boundaries of what you want and what you need. And the thing is, is that the more that you're clear about that is the more that in the relationship you're gonna advocate for what you want and what you deserve. And I think that when we get into situations and we're not clear on that, we're not clear on, no, it has to be transparency, it has to be honesty, and I need this, I need that, then you get into it and then you start to waver. And then you find yourself being unhappy because you've allowed somebody to come in and now you're adapting to what they want instead of being clear about what you need as well. All right? So the first step I will tell you before you even think about what it's gonna be like being with somebody else, think about what you want. Be clear about that and spend time to the place where it's second nature. You don't have to think about it. Somebody says, "What do you need?" You say, "Bop, bop, bop, bop." And I tell you that comes with age because if somebody said to me right now what I need in a relationship, what's a healthy relationship to me, I can rattle it off. I am not, I don't have any problems of thinking of what I need. I know the communication, how it needs to be. I know the trust, how it needs to be. I know how the sex needs to be. I know how the respect needs to be. I know exactly what I want. And that's because I've had age. So what I'm encouraging you at this young, beautiful age, before you get hurt by the world or somebody who's not gonna respect you and love you the way you need to be loved, set clear boundaries of what you want. Understand that. And I promise you, it'll be the first step to you having healthier relationships than you can even imagine.
