When Discrimination & Judgment Comes from Someone You Love | KARAMO

First, let's meet Jaymar, who is a former healthcare worker and a father to a beautiful 3-year-old daughter. Jaymar is also a transgender man who faces discrimination and judgment daily. But recently that discrimination and judgment has been coming from someone close to him. Let's see what's going on.

My name is Jaymar, but I wasn't born a male. I was born a female and my name was Lucretia. 4 years ago, I began taking hormones and I started living my life as a trans male. During that time, I met my ex, Damien. We fell in love and he begged me to have a baby with him. Now let me be clear, Damien knew I was transitioning to be a man the whole time. Before I was Jaymora, I was Lacresha, and that's who Damien is stuck on. And that is never happening, not going back. Damien disrespects me. He says he won't allow our daughter to be raised by two men, and I'm angry. I'm tired of arguing. I need Karamo's help. I need to get it through Damien's head that I am Jamora.

Welcome, Jamora. Hey! Can I have a hug?

How you doing?

Good. How are you doing?

I'm great.

Good to see you.

Nice to see you.

Thank you for being here with me today.

Pleasure to be here.

Jaymar, I wanna find out first, you and Damian, how did your relationship start?

We met through friends. He slid up in my DM trying to flirt with me eventually. And we was just like best friends.

It don't go crazy, okay? If y'all don't know, it goes down in the DMs, all right? Check y'all DMs.

I was open, man. You know I'm open-minded. So we was friends for a minute and then I ended up stopping my, testosterone shots because it was too high. That's where he wanted to take things a little farther and he kept begging me to be Lucretia. So eventually I just let it out.

So when you were in the beginning of your relationship, Damien understood that you wanted to transition because you were taking testosterone?

Yes.

Got it. So even at that time Damien was pressuring you not to be your authentic self?

Yes.

Why stay in a relationship if you were unhappy?

Because I loved him and I'm a people pleaser and you know, I, Once I fall in love with somebody, my goal is to please you.

What I appreciate about you is you having the strength to say, no, no, no, that's not what I'm gonna do. This is who I am and this is what I need to do. So I appreciate that for you.

Thank you so much.

So what is it like for you to be a parent?

It's wonderful. It's really wonderful. The biggest support you can have is your kids, for real.

Amen to that. Okay, I love it. And when you were pregnant with your child, was it an easy pregnancy? Was it something that was simple for you? Like what was that birth process for you?

It was easy.

It was easy?

It was easy.

How was your health during that time?

It was actually good until I had her.

Okay, what happened when you gave birth?

I had her, 2 months later, I went into a crisis and my heart stopped.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

What happened? Can you please tell me?

My heart stopped because I guess 2 months later after I had her, I ended up with myasthenia gravis and I ended up in a crisis in the hospital. So after I woke up in the hospital, I was kind of confused because, you know, I went to, my heart stopped as Lacresha, but when I woke up, the bed had Jaymar on it, him. I was confused like, where did this come from? And they were like, you did that. All the hospital systems was J'More, him, and it was, everybody was approaching me as a man. I woke up and J'More was fully woke.

Like I didn't even— What I think about that is exceptional that even one of your hardest moments, your true authentic soul still spoke up.

It felt it, yeah.

It felt it. Yeah. Like if this is the moment that I'm going to meet my maker, I'm going to meet my maker as me. Can you imagine that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pretty amazing.

Thank you.

Pretty amazing. Listen, I think it's important that Damien accepts you as Jamar.

Yes.

Do you think it's important that Damien accepts you as Jamar? It is.

It is. Like, I honestly know because as Lacresha, he put life into me. Like, when I tell you, he slayed me. Anything y'all see in them pictures, He did that.

Yeah.

I don't know how to really guess.

In case y'all don't know what slay me mean, it means to make me look good, to make me feel confident.

Yeah.

All right?

He made sure Lucretia was confident.

Yes.

He put so much life into me. But when I'm Jay Moore, he, like he told me, I'm not buying you no clothes. You gotta do everything yourself.

Yeah.

And I don't, I'm not a dresser. Like, you know, so.

I mean, look good sometimes.

He never really put.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome.

He never put life into Jay Moore.

Yeah, that's fine. I will say this though. Even though he might not be giving Jaymar the life he deserves, what I can tell already is that you have the power within you to give yourself that life.

Thank you so much.

This isn't the person that I met, that I created. I created this beautiful Black woman that promised me, that promised me to marry me, to give me children.

Gracia was powerless, that's why. I didn't really have a voice.

It was everything I had.

So I wanna know this because I can see that you're struggling. I can see this, but you also use language that is ownership language, that is language of like, I deserve this about another human being. And that's not healthy. And I wanna know, so why can't you just accept your best friend?

Lacresha promised me this future that I just couldn't let go. And it made me feel like a man. You know what I'm saying? But you never even gave me a chance to say goodbye to Lucretia. You just killed her.

I don't know this answer, but my producer said that you wanted me to ask you about your sexual orientation. How do you identify?

I'm gay. I'm a gay Black man.

Mm-hmm. Now there's a layer here that I did not just expect.

Yeah.

So you identify as a gay Black man?

Yes, sir.

So as a gay Black man, someone who's in this community and understands the oppression, these things, why are you then imposing that impression and judgment on someone else, especially someone who you called your best friend being a member of this community?

She promised me to be Lacresha forever. Okay. And that's what, That's what I wanted. That's what I want.

I'm gonna ask you for a favor. While on my stage, would you be able to please refer to Jamar as he?

Yes, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

I understand you're going through your journey. I do understand that. But on this stage, it's all about respecting individuals of where they are, what their pronouns are, and how they identify. You just gave me a lot to think about right there because I wasn't aware. I thought that I was dealing with someone who identified as heterosexual and identify as straight. And you know what I mean? Now there's a layer of this. I wanna know, now that I'm hearing that you identify as gay, did your family accept you? Did your mother accept you?

Well, not at first. So I did 8 years in the federal penitentiary. So when I came home, her and my sister had like a little debacle and that's how it came out and that's how I was exposed. Exposed. So, you know, when she found out, she said, well, you're going to be like, you know, a hard gate. You're going to be a gangster. It was hard for me too, you know. And when I found something to cover that hardship up, it was easy.

I understand that. I, I'm listening to you and I get it. You were grieving. Jamar gave you safety.

It's not that I don't want to agree with you, Karamo. I really, I, you know, it ain't about— we ain't gonna play tough. I don't want to play tough.

Having someone who identified as female and presented as female made you feel safe. That's point blank.

Period. Period.

That's what it is.

Period.

And that's gone. So I'm hearing now you're not really grieving the fact that Lacresha transitioned to Jamar. You're grieving, how am I gonna be safe in this world? You're grieving, how do I explain to my mom I can't give you what you need? You're grieving all of the people who told you you're not good enough and now you feel like they're gonna be right. So you asked me for help and so here's my take on this. One of the things that I want you to understand that you're experiencing, Damien, and this is important because a lot of people within the LGBT community experience this. It's called internalized homophobia. It's where the messages you receive from the outside world, which are negative, which make you feel like you are not good enough, you start to feel like those messages are real and you take them on. And when you take those messages on, you then start to look at the people around you and say, "You're not right either. You're not right either. You're not right either." You're passing the hate that you received onto other people because you're scared and you feel as if you do that, then these other people are gonna accept you. And this was based solely on the woman you love so much. And I'm not calling your mother a bad woman because she's on her journey as well. What I'm saying is unfortunately she did you a disservice. Because she made you feel as if you can't have the life you want and deserve, a loving family, a healthy relationship because of the fact that you love who you love. And I'm here to tell you, you can release that internalized homophobia. You deserve love, you deserve respect, and you deserve to be who you are. But as you're on that journey, you don't deserve to disrespect your ex. You don't deserve to let them feel like they're not good enough because you're on a journey to feel good yourself. Wow. And at the bottom line, there is a child that needs both of you. And that child has two dads who are beautiful, who are Black, and who are smart, and who are gonna love that child and raise them. But if you only show them hate and show them what your mother showed you, and let them take it on, you're gonna have a horrible experience. So don't do to what your child what your parent did to you.