Will My Hysterectomy Be The End of My Marriage? | KARAMO

What do you need from your husband?

I want to understand him better. I want to feel, you know, him emotionally. I want to know what he's going through. I want him to communicate and open up.

Since the accident that he had, he's a little bit more—

Closed off.

Closed off. Frustrated, it also sounds like.

Yes.

Does he have a little bit of a temper as well?

He does when, I mean, if he's got to like go back and redo something that he's trying to do. One of the things he loves doing is woodworking and It takes him a lot longer now after the accident. You know, if he has to repeat himself, he has to go back and forth and keep working on the same thing. Like tying his shoe even, if he can't tie his shoe, I mean, he's thrown a shoe across the house before because he can't tie his shoe right.

Got it.

I mean, and then after stuff like that happens, it's just, there's no communication. I mean, we're more like roommates at that point. I mean, the bond that we had is just gone.

So when things were good, how were they?

Things were great. I mean, we went out, we did everything together. We were intimate all the time. I mean, it was just a normal, you know, happy dating life that we had. And then after all of this happened, it just kind of fell off. I mean, there's no intimacy, there's no emotional connection anymore really.

Did you stop feeling sexy after your hysterectomy?

Absolutely.

You did?

Tell me about that. Yes, I've got, a lot of scars, I've gained weight. I just, I mean, I don't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I just, I feel disgusted with myself. It's kind of, I feel like everything was kind of ripped from me. You know, everything that made you a woman has been taken from you.

Yeah, I understand that. Do you express that to him, how you're feeling?

I do. I wish to, you know, see a little more out of it.

And when was the last time you went on a date night or just focused on each other? And with nothing else?

It's probably been a year.

A year?

It's been a very long time.

I think it's time that we hear from your husband Aaron. Please everyone, welcome Aaron to the show. How you doing Aaron?

Hey, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you for being here. Can I have a hug? Yeah, of course. Thank you. All right Aaron, so I wanna know from you, what is the biggest challenge in your relationship?

What's your relationship? Trying to achieve the same goals. We both have the same goals or ideas. You know, we share common interests, but it seems like we each try to get there a separate way. That seems to kind of make us clash a little bit.

Do you feel like your relationship changed after her surgery?

Maybe because she wasn't feeling as comfortable with herself You know, it's kind of hard for somebody to love another person when they're not even comfortable in their own skin.

You also experienced tragedy with your hand. Tell me about that.

Well, I went in to work to finish up a project and made a very bad mistake, some poor judgment, which then caused me to lose my left index finger and half of my thumb.

How has that moment changed you as a person?

I don't feel as competent. I don't feel like I can get the things done that I need to get done, whether it be simple chores around the house, you know, a small honey-do list, or any project that I wanna work on, or I get more frustrated to where I just walk away from it. I have 7 or 8 projects at home that I've started and they're just, piled up, not finished, 'cause I can't come back to them.

Got it. Do you feel alone at times?

I do, because I feel that as much as I've gone through, just in the past 3, 4 years alone, I've lost 3, 4, 5 different important people in my life leading up to my accident. So it seemed like every time that I try to I picked myself up from the first incident, I was getting knocked down with something else.

Got it.

And she never could, I guess, necessarily relate because she hasn't had an important person in her life that was really close to her be taken from her.

Are you afraid of losing your wife?

I'm afraid that we can't get back to who we were in the beginning.

It might be a difficult question for you, Are you still attracted to your wife?

Absolutely.

Tell her.

I'm very attracted to you. I've told you that many times. Yeah. I mean, even though she doesn't feel comfortable in her own body, and I understand it takes self-love to be able to express that love with others.

Yeah.

But I tell you constantly, you know, especially when you're feeling down on yourself, that it doesn't matter what you look like or how you feel, that as long as, You let me in, I'm there. And I will always love you and find you attractive.

When he says that, what does that do for you?

It makes me feel good, but I guess with not being able to love myself, I can't really, I guess, show appreciation for that because I'm still struggling with it myself. I mean, I appreciate you. I appreciate the compliments. They do make me feel very good. I'm trying to work on myself and be able to love myself completely. Which is, it's very hard. Like, I know that you wanted to have more kids. You know, I was, that was taken away from me. We have a beautiful daughter together. She's 3 years old. So we did get to have her. But I know deep down he wanted, that you wanted to have more kids.

She's adorable. Thank you. Yeah, I make a pretty kid.

She's adorable.

Yes, she's pregnant. But I know deep down that he wanted to have more kids as well.

So that's guilt. That's guilt that you're experiencing. Do you feel like your wife has deprived you of more kids?

No, because she didn't necessarily choose to have a hysterectomy. I mean, it was suggested by the doctors. Of course she signed off on it and agreed, but—

But you're not blaming your wife for not having more kids?

No, because it had to be done because if her health declines and she wouldn't be here, then our kids wouldn't have a mother.

[Speaker:KARAMO] Yes. I want you to hear that. Receive that. Your husband just said to you, "You don't have to have any guilt about not giving me more kids because your life was more important than some future child." [Speaker] Right. [Speaker:KARAMO] Did you hear that? When you hear your husband say that you can release that guilt, what does that make you feel like?

Like I can breathe, I guess. It's been hard for me to try to, I mean, I still struggle daily with trying to comprehend it. I blame myself every day.

Of course, of course.

Even though I didn't, you know, ask for these things to happen to me, it still, you know, it happened to me.

Yeah.

And it's hard for me to deal with that.

Well, what I'm trying to do here, some of the things that allow us to start to build our self-esteem is starting to understand where someone else's mentality at that we're close to, especially our partner. Because that starts to help you to release things. So you already know your husband's attracted to you. You already know that he's not holding onto any malice because you can't have more kids. So what should be happening now as you're starting to go, you're gonna start working on yourself, you can remind yourself that, oh, my man is attracted to me. I know I gotta work on me, but I also know that he's not blaming me for not having more kids. These are things that you can use as tools to build yourself back up. Now the same question for you, are you attracted to him?

Absolutely.

Tell him.

I'm very attracted to you.

What are you attracted about him?

Everything.

I mean, his mannerism.

It's not the hand.

No, I mean, he's an amazing person all around. He's a great father, which is one of the most attractive things.

Well, how does it make you feel to hear your wife say she's attracted to you?

Well, it's good to hear.

Do you hear it often?

No.

So one of the things that I wanna make sure is focused on is that he just said he doesn't hear that enough. And I think sometimes in relationships, we make sure our women know how attractive and sexy they are, but we forget to remind the men as well that like, I desire you as well. You're still sexy as well. And I think with both of you going through something where your body's changed, changed, both of you have to remind yourselves of that a lot more. And so what I wanna suggest to you all is that you all support each other in grieving where you're at now. You know, one of the things that you said is we can't get back to the beginning. That's somebody who's always gonna be sort of like, oh, I mean, I'm yearning for when things were the same. I'm yearning for things when things were how we knew them to be, when things were familiar. And part of that grieving process is realizing that Yes, it's gone, but there's new things that will grow. There's new things that will strengthen. There's new things that will happen for you as a couple that you can focus on. You have to grieve that. Have you all taken the time to help him grieve the loss of his fingers and you grieve the loss of things in her body? Have you taken that time?

Not the way that we should, yeah.

Do you know how to do that?

I don't really know where to begin because I'm usually the type of person that just, I just stashes it away and I'll deal with it when I get to it or I forget about it.

That's because you're avoiding the grievance. You're avoiding the grieving.

I'd rather avoid the problem than deal with it head on because I don't want it to become a nuisance for her, for her to have to take on more than taking care of our children or taking care of herself.

It's not gonna be a nuisance. It's actually going to help you all become better parents and better partners. Let's take a moment to grieve what you're feeling about your body. That's where the healing actually is going to start to begin with, you all. You get it? Yes.

Thank you.

Can you look at your partner and say, "I'm gonna help you grieve more." I'm gonna help you grieve more.

And I'm gonna help you grieve. We just gotta get better at communicating that to each other because otherwise I bottle everything up and I get frustrated and I shut myself outside working on a new project that I'll probably never finish.

So now the second thing, and I'm glad you just said that. The second thing is the language you all are using about the new place you are in life. See, part of the grieving and part of the language is going together and it's keeping y'all distanced and it's keeping y'all hurting. So when you say things constantly like, well, I'm gonna start projects that I'm never gonna finish, that's first of all you comparing yourself to your old life. And I've said this a million times, comparison is a thief of joy. Steal your joy every time you say, well, you know what, the old me can't get it. You gotta watch the language you say. Language is so important in how we see ourselves and how our lives actually blossom and grow. So you have to stop saying to yourself, you know what, I'm retreating and I'm gonna do something that I'm never gonna fulfill. Give yourself patience. The man you used to be is still here, But now this man has to take a little bit longer and that's okay.

I feel like if I'm taking longer though, that it's holding her back.

Is that holding you back?

It's not.

Tell him.

It's not holding me back at all.

See, the more you communicate and grieve together, you'll start to realize that thing. You're not holding her back. You're not holding her back. She's not holding you back. Y'all are actually really supportive and loving to each other. This is actually a really healthy relationship. I'm gonna give y'all a little bit of a tip. This is what y'all gonna use when y'all get home. So when you start feeling frustrated, you're gonna say to yourself, "I'm gonna be patient with myself." When you start to feel frustrated, you're gonna say, "I'm gonna be patient with myself." And then you're gonna come to your partner and say, "Baby, right now I need to grieve." And you're gonna say, "What does grieving look like right now?" That's where you get to say, "It's just me venting." or me just, us being silent, or you just hearing me, or maybe I do need advice. So you now have a clear process that will allow you to communicate better, okay? So what are you gonna say to each other when you're feeling frustrated? When you're about your own body, what are you gonna say?

That I feel I'm grieving myself.

Yeah.

And I need help and I'm worried.

I need to be patient.

Yes, I need to be patient.

Use the word patience and grieving. Those are y'all two keywords. Patience and grieving. Right. I'm gonna be patient with myself. I'm gonna be patient with my partner and we're going to grieve this loss together. You got it? You understand? Now one other thing that I want y'all to do, and this is a big one. My producers told me this and I'm just put it out here 'cause y'all told my producers and they told me this when I was walking out here. They said y'all haven't had sex in 5 months. It's bad. Stop practicing that. Stop it right now. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Hold up, hold up. Where are you going? I know you wanna watch more Karamo, so click here to subscribe and click here to watch more so we can keep talking and growing, friends. I love you.