You're A Disgrace To My Vagina! | KARAMO

How long were you in foster care and what was your experience?

I was actually in foster care since 2004 to now.

And what would your foster family tell you about your mom?

Oh, whew. They'll tell me like, my mom don't want me, she don't love me, she's never coming home. I'm gonna say at a young age, I didn't really understand, but then as I got older, I found out the truth and it's like, okay.

And what was the truth?

My mom does want me, we just clash a lot.

Okay.

And it's like I could own 'em to my situation where, you know, I do have a mouth on me and that's, I feel like that's because I was brought up in the system. But you know, I just want my mom to take accountability for what she has done.

So you haven't lived with your mother?

Nope, not since 2010.

And do your siblings live with your mom?

Yes.

Okay. And you don't approve of how your mom treats your siblings?

No, not at all.

Explain for me. Why?

My mom had asked my little sister to make something to eat for my family. My sister was doing it, but my mom didn't like the way she was making the food. It's one thing that my mom said to my little sister that I didn't like, which was, you know, she was a disgrace to her vagina.

Mm.

Wow.

My mom had told me worse, like she wished I was never born. She said, you know what, that's why, you know, my father is not bothered with me. But her and my father don't get along.

Got it.

So it's like I try to look out for help from other people.

How long ago was that comment that she made to your sister?

This was about a week ago.

A week ago. So this was recently when she said that? Right. Okay. So you would be going in and outta your mom's house to foster care. There's still something there missing for me knowing how this system works. It can't just be the disrespect.

We did have altercations, physical altercations where she'll say, you know, she's gonna do X, Y, and Z such as stab me or, you know, kick me out the house. Like it been one time in my past, like I don't know, I don't remember what I did or what happened, but we was living in Queens at the time and she put me in the hallway butt naked.

Okay, I understand. Neglect. Okay, what happens whenever you go to your mom's house? Is this immediate fights?

Not immediately, but it will occur sooner or later.

Mm-hmm. And usually what are those fights over? Is it over your siblings, the way they're being treated?

Yeah.

Is it also over what you experienced in the past?

Sometimes she feel like, you know, I can't let it go, but it's like, it's hard for me to let it go. I done been through so many things. I've been abused and everything. So it's like, I try to explain that to her, but my mom is the type of person, if she hears something she doesn't like, she will walk away. And it's like, nothing gets resolved.

Yeah, that makes sense because if you've been thrown out the house or kicked out the house, or placed in foster care system, and the moment you're talking to the person who was a direct result of that and they walk away again, it re-triggers that abandonment that we feel, that neglect that we feel. You said something earlier on to me. You said you got a mouth on you. Yes, I do. So when y'all are in these altercations, would you start screaming at your mom?

My mom? Yes. Yeah. Yes.

I really wanna figure out how to help you all, but if you have a mouth on you, 'cause like anytime somebody gives me a key, I'ma hold on.

Right.

You got a mouth on you. If you disrespect her through your mouth, and not saying that she deserves it or not, that's not my place to judge.

Right.

But my place is here is to help you heal. And if someone has said, if disrespect is going to turn them off, I wanna see, can you commit for me that when I bring your mother out, that you keep yourself at a place where you can say what you need to say, but you don't disrespect her?

Yes, I will.

You can?

Yes.

Thank you, brother. I appreciate that. No problem. First of all, kudos to you. That's a big step one.

Thank you.

All right, listen everyone, we sat down with your mom before the show. Listen to what she had to say about the situation.

My kids got taken away because I had a drug addiction. I'm trying to move past that time in my life, but my son Kenny would not let me. Kenny is a rotten egg and he is disrespectful. Kenny is still in foster care because of his behavior. I told them to take him back because when he came back to my house, he was throwing tantrums, breaking my stuff, and cursing at me. We say hateful things all the time. He'll call me bitches, and I told him I wish he was never born.

You told your son that we just heard on that tape that you said you wish he was never born?

I don't mean that I wish he was never born, but when we going through something and he calling me bitches and hoes and stuff like that, that's when I say stuff like that. And he don't get when he say stuff to me, it hurts me and I just retaliate.

So why do you say hurtful things to your children?

I don't mean to say hurtful things to them. In my children, but I've been through a lot and they just like sometimes don't give me a chance. Especially Kenneth, he don't give me a chance. He just all the time try to scream at me or tell me I'm doing it wrong and never give me a chance to be a mother.

Well, 'cause he said he's in pain and right now the reason that he's quiet right now is 'cause I asked him to make a commitment not to disrespect you because I really did want this to work for you all. And so like, I know that's why, 'cause I can see your jaw. I watched that jaw was like this. But he's holding it and I appreciate that because I do think for a mother and a child to heal, there has to be a level of respect that comes out. And so that's why I asked you why you felt like you could disrespect your kids. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

So what was going on in your life when he went into foster care system?

Well, I had a drug addiction.

So why is he still in foster care then? Especially when you have the other 4 kids?

Well, when he first came home, he would start trying to break up my things, cursing me out. And it was like being an ongoing situation. So it was like, okay, you cannot stay in here with me because we not getting along. I don't want you to hurt me and I didn't wanna hurt him.

Kenny, what was going on there? Why were you in that space where you felt like you had to break stuff?

Because I felt like, you know, I'm the child, you're my mother. You should at least take the time out to hear me with my traumas, what I went through. Like, you know, I love my mom, but I'm your child.

So because she didn't feel like she heard you, to get her attention, you started breaking things?

Yes, 'cause that's what got her attention.

The reason I specifically point that out is because if anybody at home is watching this, it's a teachable moment. When kids do things like break stuff, destroy things, it's because if they're not getting attention in a positive way, they're gonna get the attention in a negative way. And unfortunately, as adults, We fall for it. And then it's like it just teaches the child, well, let me always do bad because I know you're gonna pay attention.

But I will give him attention in a positive way.

And tell me how you felt like you did that.

Sometimes I would try to take them out, spend time with them and do things with them. It's like nothing I did was enough for Kenneth.

You saying you did all of this, but it been plenty of times you went on trips without me, without me even knowing. I call you, you already there.

And the reason why is that because no matter, like I said, he don't never, nothing enough for him. I could take him on a trip and he would spoil a trip forever. To everybody because something didn't go his way. It's like, oh, I'm gonna mess everybody up. And that's not right to do. So sometimes I had to leave him home.

Yeah. Well, you didn't have to.

In order to have—

Well, hold on, I gotta tell you this. You didn't have to. You made a choice to. But again, yes. And I appreciate you acknowledging that. But again, it's the thing for you to realize is that when a kid is on a trip, the reason he's doing something again is because if he feels neglected, if he feels like he's not getting the attention, Again, I'm gonna do things so that you see me. I'm gonna do things so you can feel the pain I'm feeling.

But how much you gotta do in order for me to, for you to feel that way that you getting the attention?

Talk, Kenny. I'm sorry, but she don't understand. At that, I'm her first child. I feel like our connection was deeper, more than my siblings. Not to like, you know, make it that way, but you know, it was just us two. So only person I can run to is my mom and she don't understand that.

You don't understand that I went through things when I was a child, so I never had a childhood. I tried to give y'all something that I didn't have.

I understand that. You understand that? I tell you this whole, every time.

You just seem like you don't appreciate anything, you know? And no matter how hard I try, you try harder to make me hurt more. And I don't know what else to do. I've tried my best to do all I can do for you. And it's never enough with you. I didn't have my mother to take me places to do certain things.

And this is the thing, this is the thing. This is the reason why we're here today.

I acknowledge the pain you went through. No one taught you how to build a home, yet one day you had kids in front of you that said, "Mom, here's a hammer and the nails, build one." And sometimes he'll ask me why I do different for the other ones than I do for him.

And I let him know.

I get that.

It's because you was my first child and I was just learning certain stuff. So every child is different.

I get that, but I was the rotten egg.

No, and I get that.

You're not the rotten egg.

Kenny, I'm pretty sure you just said that.

No, no, no, no. Thank you. And I'm gonna say it 'cause both of y'all say hurtful stuff. So the thing is, is that yes, as the parent, and this is where I'm gonna go to, you're right, I get it. You didn't know how to build a home, so he got the most of it. He got the worst of it. He brings up feelings for you that unconscious or constantly always gonna bring up. But you said he creates chaos in the house. And I'm gonna correct you here. Even though I can acknowledge the things you've been through, You caused the chaos in the house. It's your job now to model it. And the problem is, is that you still haven't gotten to a place where you feel that you can model the behavior.

He wants to like throw my past up in my face. I know, I know.

I know all the trauma.

You cannot tell me nothing about that. That's something I went through. I done got abused.

That's something you went through and I asked you. I said, "Kenny, talk to me and let me know what you went through." I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna get there. Try to help you, but you cannot every time we go through something bring that up in my face.

I'm gonna get there, I'm gonna get there. But you have to first realize the reason he's doing these things, the reason there is a blurred middle line is because you're modeling the proper behavior. And that's the truth of it. It's one thing, listen, my youngest son who y'all don't hear me talk about sometimes because he went through a very rebellious stage. Sometimes he'll call me and will say, And guess what? When he calls me and says that, I say, "You know what? I love you. And when you're ready to start to heal, I'm here ready to listen." I don't respond back because what I'm modeling to him is the behavior I need him to do.

And I try to do that also. I will tell my kid I love you.

You try, you try, you try.

I didn't have parenting. My mother wasn't there for me.

No, I got it. You heard me. The first thing I said is—

I'm trying my best to give all I know how to give.

I know, but the thing that you have to do in this case is when you see the disrespect, when you see these things happening, you have to realize that even though you didn't get the tools, you do have the ability to stop and not say anything. You do have that ability. You know right from wrong.

Lately I've been trying that.

Okay then.

I've been trying like to go in the room and just take it and give me a minute.

Let me tell you what just happened unconsciously. When you said that, 'cause even though I'm not looking at him directly, I'm looking to the side, he did this. So he just acknowledged that you are trying. You can practice this. Kenny, that's me, that's me, it's not the way to do it. I'm giving you language to use. So when you see him do something or disrespectful, instead of like retaliating and doing the same thing, you gotta say, Kenny, that's me, but that's not the way to do it. Try it right now.

Kenny, that's me, and that's not the way to do it.

That's the motherly loving response. And what happens there, what happens there is then you start to acknowledge and see him where it doesn't become a battle of, "See me, Mom, hear me, Mom." You start because now the language right there just left the hope open. I'm watching him nod again. It leaves it open now for him to be able to say, "This is what I'm feeling." And so that way when he says what I'm feeling, which makes you feel hurt because it brings up your past, You say, "I understand, but you don't gotta be like that." Yeah. Because that's the whole thing. He needs to know you love him and that you see that he doesn't have to be like that. But right now continuing, especially still being in foster care system, he still feels rejected. He still feels like he has to do these things to get your attention. The little boy that was breaking stuff in your house to get attention is still right here getting attention. And it's 'cause he's modeling behavior from you.

Yes.

Do you want Kenny to have a good life?

Yes, I do. I want him to have a great life.

Tell him.

And that's why sometimes I go the way I be going because I want y'all to have a better life than I had. I didn't have nobody to make sure I go to school.

But hold on, I'm gonna tell you this. I'm gonna tell you this. Hold on, but here, I want you to say this because I know you didn't have that and this is gonna be hard for you to hear, but unfortunately Kenny didn't have it either. So the same way I just talked to you to say, "Kenny, that's not the way to talk to him. That's me." Yeah. "You can be better than that." You gotta say the same thing here. Kenny, I know I didn't have it, but you didn't have it either. And I'm here for you. Because until you say that more, instead of always saying, "Well, I didn't have it and I'm trying now." And I realize that's a problem with him.

He always say that I keep bringing up how I didn't have it.

Exactly.

And hide different things.

But he wants to acknowledge he didn't feel he had it.

Yeah.

You got it? You feel that?

Mm-hmm.

What do you need from your mom right now? More love. Can you give your son more love?

Yes, and I try, and you know, Kenny, I never try to let a day go past or a phone call go past without saying I love you. Even sometimes, you know what I'm saying? I try to say it first to let you know how much I love you. I never hang up that phone. Without telling you I love you.

It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. She does love you.

Love you too.

There's room here for y'all to love each other. There's room here for y'all to grow. There's room here for y'all to be better. It starts with you though. It does. And the reason I purposefully ask him not to be disrespectful is so that this healing could happen. And you see what happens when there's no foul language involved? Y'all actually start to hear each other. Y'all took a good first step.

I definitely thank you. You know, I feel like it's good things to happen.

You're welcome. You're welcome. I got y'all. Y'all gonna be all right. Y'all gonna be all right. I truly do love you. And I love you too, honestly. Hold up, hold up. Where are you going? I know you wanna watch more Karamo, so click here to subscribe. And click here to watch more so we can keep talking and growing, friends. I love you.