54 - ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY GATHERING FOR THE HOLIDAYS? I HAVE SOME TIPS FOR SURVIVAL :)

Are you excited or nervous that you will be spending time with your family for the holidays? Hi, I'm Dr. Carol Darcah, author, psychologist and founder of Reconnect Trauma Treatment center in Los Angeles. Today we're going to talk about holiday triggers, really like family triggers around holidays. In fact, if you think you're getting fine with your family and you have no issues to work on, just go back home, spend some time with your family members and then see if you have more work to do. This is something that I learned over the years that a lot of the times people who have had childhood traumas actually struggle more during holiday because of spending a lot of time with them. Well, contrary to popular belief, people think traumas are only about war, sexual abuse or natural disasters. Actually, a big percentage of traumas really come from childhood relational traumas. So abandonment, rejection, neglect are actually major contributors to someone's well being today. So how is that related to holidays? Well, during holidays it's very standard to spend a lot of time with your family members and you know, especially if there's some alcohol involved or some dinner. And a lot of things can do go well and a lot of things may not go well. So let's talk about a little bit of that and really what to do. So I Want to quote Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, who's a trauma specialist that says the impact of neglect or abandonment is greater than sexual abuse. Children who do not have healthy attachments have been shown to be more vulnerable to stress. So, and this is how it shows up much more during the holiday season. So our actually childhood feelings can get activated while we are even just having a, what seems like a simple dinner during a holiday time. So have you ever been around your parents who maybe do things and you're just constantly irritated at them and your friends next to you go, oh, your parents are so lovely, your family is so great and they have no idea and they can't understand really why you get so triggered at every little comment that they make. Well, what they don't know is these are reminders of your childhood stressors or childhood traumas. So what do you do? Let's say you still have to spend some time with them during holidays. So I gathered together a list of few tips for you of how to deal with your emotions during this season. Let's start with the most important one, adjusting your expectations. Yes, this is an important one because without realizing most of us, no matter how old we are, we still expect the family members to actually behave differently or to be differently Right. So if, let's say your mom has always treated you in a non judgment, in a judgmental way, sorry. And then now you are surprised when she says, oh, your hair doesn't look good and you get angry. Why even bother to get angry? Because you are still on some level expecting that this time, maybe after so many years, this time maybe she'll see how good you look or how great you are. But unfortunately it doesn't happen that way. So this is what I said about adjusting your expectation before you go to an event, just know who these people are. Basically you can even write down sort of what you expect. How they will talk, will they drink, how they will behave, will they laugh or will they question you, will they judge you and just kind of be prepared to who they were always and how they will go continue to be. Get a support system. If you don't have one, this is crucial. You can have a non judgmental friend, maybe somebody in the family or if you have a therapist. These people could be very good support system before you go and, or if you can bring them to the holiday events, it's even better. But before you go, just maybe work out some dialogues with them. Imagine like pretend that you're already in that, you know, holiday dinner and have the support system kind of pretend to be your mom or your dad or whoever is, you know, upsetting you and then do kind of role playing. Answer something, say, say pretend like it's really happening and then prepare yourself to how you will respond when they say things that are very upsetting for you. Normalize your feelings and don't judge yourself. This is something that you've heard me. If you watch my other videos over and over again because judging yourself actually will make you feel much worse because you probably already have people who judge you or you are afraid of being judged. So it's so important your attitude towards yourself. So don't forget that you are reacting to your family members because of childhood extra stuff. So maybe don't expect not to react. Right. It's about, it's not about feeling amazing, but it's about really managing it. So this could go a long way if you really have more of sort of a curious attitude towards yourself and towards what's happening rather than getting caught up, getting into the, into the heavy cloud of the chaotic family environment that you might have put strong boundaries, in fact put stronger boundaries than before. Now people will try not to follow them, but you always know that you have a right to put boundaries. Remember that as a child you had almost no control in your life that you had to really follow what your parents wanted you to do. Now as an adult, you can put much more and different boundaries in place. So if somebody says something that doesn't feel good, feel free to say, you know, I don't like when you talk to me that way. Or maybe even ignoring them or walking away, but not getting into sort of a fight, but just to be able to tell them this is not okay. I noticed a lot of people do sarcastic jokes. This is a very common thing. Sort of like it looks like a joke, but really underneath, you know, they're poking. You don't feel obliged to laugh at those jokes. If it doesn't feel good for you, just say, I did not see the joke in it. I am, I do not appreciate this and leave it at that. Who cares if they don't like it? It's about you putting your boundaries and protecting your right and your emotional well being. So before you go into an event, practice either meditation, yoga or grounding techniques, or eft emotional freedom technique. The tapping you could see in my other videos, I talk about that as well. So emotionally prepare yourself, calm your nervous system them down, do activities, do things. Especially mindfulness is a very good tool that you can use. So, so hopefully you can even imagine yourself kind of like in a protective bubble, like energetically just really feeling yourself. Like they're saying things, but you're hearing them, but you're not letting it in. So just really stay grounded, feel your feet when you're talking to them. And just as they say things, just rather than attaching or getting hooked into upsetting triggers, maybe say things like, okay, I hear them, doesn't feel good, and that's what it is. And then I'm moving on. So just like really having sort of this observant quality as things happen around you. Actually, mindfulness is a really good practice all over anyway. Not just for the holidays, but all the time. Just know that again, despite all your efforts, people sometimes will still do what they want to do. And if you feel like no matter how much you try these tools and techniques, nothing is really helping and you find yourself verbally abused or mocked or you know, or anything else, or forced to do things that you really don't want to do, here's an idea that you might not have considered before. But you could also say no to the invitations sometimes. Just because a family member is related to you by blood or by birth does not mean that you actually have to spend the holidays with them. And this is another kind of boundary. So create your own family. Sometimes, unfortunately, our blood family is not really the right people that we should be with. So in that case, maybe say no to them. You can use Covid as an excuse or whatever else as an excuse and then invite few friends and have your own, you know, family this way, family gathering this way and just be with people that you love. In fact, some people even prefer to be alone than just being really subjected to any sort of mistreatment. So this is your decision, this is your choice. Always keep in your mind whatever is best for you is the best decision. There's no right or wrong because if you ask other people, they might say, oh, you have to. It's. It's rude not to spend time with your family. You know, all kind of things, but they're not you and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you got inspired by this video and you want to know more about relational trauma and family trauma, feel free to get a copy of my book, the Trauma Audio or the book itself and you'll get a really good understanding of what trauma is. I wrote this in a very simple way and I give great tools for you to practice. So this is another way for you to help yourself during this holiday season as unfortunately, research shows that anxiety levels increase during this time of our lives. Thank you for watching. And remember, trauma equals disconnect. Healing equals reconnect. Stay connected. Sam.