Surviving the Unthinkable: The Path From Hurting to Healing | Brianna Rashae

Welcome back, my beautiful friends to the I was born to do this podcast. I'm your host, Kira Brinton and it is my deepest honor and joy to introduce to you one of our amazing JOA authors. And she is probably one of our youngest authors. Our youngest author was my daughter. She wrote a book at 10, I think she was nine. Right. She's our youngest. But you, my friend, you are our second youngest. I would love for you to tell us your name and tell us a little bit about you.

Of course. Yeah. My name is Brianna Huffner. I am from a very small town in Utah. I'm now at this moment 22 years old. I was 21 years old when I wrote the book and yeah, I'm thrilled to be here.

I love it. And you're a mother. Yes.

Yeah. I have a 20 month old daughter. Her name is Haven and she is absolutely incredible. Just the light of my life.

I love this. I bring that up because so many people say they don't have time, they're, they're not old enough, like all these things. And you like broke all the boundaries and. Right. You were 21 when you wrote this book. You had a baby, like a little baby when you were writing this book and you still brought it to life. And so I just honor you for being the anomaly.

Thank you. Yeah, it was definitely a process, but it was so, so fulfilling. Probably the most fulfilling months of my life writing this book.

So I love, I love hearing that. I would love for you. Could you show us your book cover?

Yeah, of course.

And tell us the names.

This is it. It's called Holy Shift. My path from hurting to healing.

And I love those who are listening and you cannot see. She's this really beautiful image of glasses, like eyeglasses on the front. And one of one side of the eyeglasses is like a rainbow and the other one is shattered. Tell me what the meaning was behind that for you.

Basically, so I saw my cover in a vision and I just knew that that's what I wanted. And for me, the sim. The symbolism or the significance of one side being shattered, one side being very colorful, very hopeful, that's what I wanted for that. It's basically it's a symbolism on the perspective that I had throughout life. The one side is shattered and then the one side is very hopeful and colorful. And it's basically for me, throughout a lot of my life I had been through a lot of trauma, a lot of self abuse, a lot of different things that just broke me down and shattered my perspective on this Life, it was like I had no hope. There was nothing that made me happy, really, truly. Until I finally found myself and found my dreams again. And then everything just lit up. It's hard to explain the moment that that happened for me, but it was like I could see things that I had never been able to see. And that's the, that's the perspective that I wanted to, to share in this book and that's what I wanted to illustrate on this cover.

I love that. I love that. So why don't you tell us a little bit about your journey? Like what as a 21 year old, when you wrote this, what spurred that? What, what, what was the call that invited you to tell your story? Take us through that. Yeah.

So I, when I was young, I went through a lot of sexual abuse. Just one of my family members that I was close to, he abused me for about nine years. And so it was really, really dark. And after that ended, I began to seek out ways to cope with that pain. Right. So I became very involved in self harm and use of pornography. So many things that I just, I was trying to distract myself from my life basically. And that went on for a while. There was a time where I got really suicidal. I just, I didn't want to be here anymore. If that's what life was, I didn't want it. And so I, I planned it all out. I wrote a note to my family and thank God my, my mom found it and they, my parents, they took me to the hospital and I was put into inpatient care for a week or so. And that really helped me, that, that gave me some perspective. And so I went on after inpatient care for a few years throughout my life just living kind of normal. And then, let's see, I was in inpatient care at, in, at 15. And so I just, I lived the rest of my life just high school, normal things, sports. And then I got married and I had some tough things come up in my marriage. And then I was thinking, well, what can save me? What's the one thing that's going to make me happy? And so I thought a baby. Of course I'll have a baby. And so I had this baby and I got hit with really difficult postpartum depression, anxiety. I was just like, wow, I can't do was like I had never dealt with all of the trauma and all of a sudden everything was coming back and I just couldn't do it and needed some serious help. And that's when I found this three week recovery mental health retreat. It's called the Bridge. And it just completely rocked my world, changed my entire perspective. When I was there, that's when I had that moment. That's the title of the book is Holy Shift. And I say that I titled it that because when I was there at the bridge, I had that shift. I had that aha moment. And the staff would say, holy shit, you know, like, you had that shift. And so that's when I realized that, wow, maybe I could write a book. Maybe I could share some of this agony that I've been through. You know, tell a real honest story and then tell an honest story about healing. Show people that it is possible. Because that's what helped me so much, was seeing real people who had been through similar things and who had come out the other side. So that's what I wanted to share.

Wow. I didn't even know. I didn't know this. The story of the Bridge. And, and you speak as though you've lived. Lived for decades. You know, lived my life for a while. It's like, whoa. I mean, you live in a feels.

It feels as though I've lived for decades. It does, it does.

It feels that way. And your wisdom is far beyond your age of years alive on this planet. And I believe trauma does that. It. It almost deepens our experience being human in really hard ways. But it also like deepens us on the other side. Right? It's like the pain is so deep, but then we also gain so much light. The opposites kind of pull, you know, that's what I feel like with you. I feel. I didn't expect to get emotional, but. You know, so many people need hope. And just like what you said, like what helped you was seeing that other people had been through the same hell and made it out right. And that's why I find what you've done and written this book is that for others, like for a 50 year old to go, oh my gosh, this 22 year old, she faced her pain, she didn't run from it. She's here telling us the hard things she went through. Like, I can do it right? Like, you bring, you bring a layer of peace. And also what I, and I knew this from the second we signed you on as an author was you are breaking the stigma that it takes decades to heal, that you can't fully find freedom until you've walked for 20 years. Like you break that. And I believe that that's possible when you face your pain. So just honor you in writing this book.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm Not. I'm not gonna lie. It was difficult. It was difficult to write this book and I knew that it would be hard. There were going to be things that I had to talk to people about that I didn't necessarily want to talk about. I mean, one of the things that I. One of the chapters that I've written in my book is on my sexuality. I'm. I'm bisexual. And I, I came from a very small and religious town. And that was something that I felt very, very ashamed of for a long time. And that I knew that was something that with the book coming out, everybody was going to read it. I would have to talk to people about it. And I really didn't want to, you know, but it has brought me so many blessings. And just writing this book in so many ways has helped me heal even further. You know, seeing those words on paper, writing out the story, it just, it gives you a new perspective.

It does. And you. Liberating you and all of the things. Right. Like sharing who you are and what's happened and, and the struggles that you've had. What it does is it. It takes away what I believe is darkness's resistance, whatever you want to call it. Greatest weapon, which is making us think that we're alone. So when we feel like we're alone, the, the suicide ideation gets heavier. The. The desire to hurt gets heavier. The desire to leave gets heavier. And you being so damn bold and fearless and sharing breaks that illusion for people. Like, I'm not alone. And when that breaks, the suicide ideation gets quieter. Right. So you being bold and fearless is the thing. It's the thing that's going to heal people.

Yeah, I, I agree. 100. That's why I wanted to share. I mean, the first half of the book, I've. I've split the book into two parts. Part one is called the Hurting and then part two is called the Healing. And the first half is not a light read. I'm gonna be honest. It's not light, but it is so, so honest. And I think that's what people will value. I mean, honesty. I just, I want to relate to people. I want to connect to people. And I think honesty is always relatable.

Yeah.

So that's what I wanted to share.

This is so beautiful. I would love for you if someone was listening right now to this exact episode and they were struggling, maybe they're struggling with self harm or suicide ideation or just trying to run from their pain. What, what is something that comes to you that either came from the book or that you just feel inspired to share right now that might help them.

My first immediate thought that came to my mind as soon as you started talking was just, it's okay, you know, it's okay. You hurt yourself, that's okay. I mean, it's gonna be okay. And there's a passage that. From my book that I really, really like. It's in the epilogue and.

I'll just.

Read it real quick because I think it's one of my favorite passages from the book and I think it applies to so much and people will really relate to it. So in the epilogue I say, quote, I was in so much pain a year ago. Life felt cruel. Every time I thought I found something worthwhile, it eventually became a source of misery. There's a very specific prayer that I started to say every single day and night. Short and sweet. It went like this. God, turn my wounds to scars so that I may touch them without feeling the pain of their existence. My self harm scars mended, they healed eventually. I was able to touch them without feeling any pain. I could admire and trace their. Their intricate. Sorry, excuse me. I could admire and trace their intricate details, never once stopping to take a breath or let a tear fall. Just as the cut sewed themselves together, so have my traumatic experiences from sexual and emotional abuse, thought loss of my sister and her soon to be baby boy, betrayal, trauma in relationships, severe postpartum depression, suicidal ideation and everything in between. Through patient diligence and a shift in my entire perspective, I have accomplished more than I ever believed possible. I am able to remember my life in a light of gratitude, not regret. My wounds have been turned to scars. I will never be rid of them. But perhaps I don't want to be. My hardship is intertwined with beauty and strength. Each scar is valuable to me. For every twinge of life's blade has left me open to endless opportunities of learning. I've become someone strong and full of passion for creation. My pain has brought me here and there's nowhere else I'd rather be. I'm sure as hell never going back. End quote.

Oh my goodness. Wow. Thank you for reading that.

Of course.

Beautiful. I know that those who are listening felt that There are many. There are many who we will never know. Listening to this episode. There are many who this episode, I mean before we recorded, we prayed this in that this episode would find people in their dark corners and the crevices and that somehow would land in their laps and so that one, they don't feel alone and two, that they Know that there's hope. And I may be 41 in a week. You're 22 or 20 years apart almost. But we both walked very similar paths. And I had a lot of sexual abuse trauma as a child and spent a good 20 years of my life fighting off suicide ideation. And so your book is more than a book that we just published. To me, it is like. It's an anthem for life. And there are very few people who make it out to tell this story. And the more of us who do, the more we'll make it out. It's in the secrecy that captures people. And so I just honor you for being one of the very few who will stand and show that you choose life and that hopefully we help others choose life.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a. There's a quote that I share in my book. Well, it's not a quote.

It's.

It's by me. But in my book, I say. In the chapter where I talk about that suicide ideation, I say something that I didn't realize until much later is that I didn't want my life to end. I didn't. I didn't want my life to.

To end.

I didn't want to die. I just wanted life as I knew it to cease. I. I didn't want to suffer anymore. And I thought that the way out of that was death, but it wasn't. It was healing.

Healing. That piece right there is so profound. The message of death wasn't the answer. Healing was the answer. And then living was the answer.

Yeah. Because you can know your life so differently. I know my life so differently than I used to know it.

Yeah.

There are so many things that I look back and I am so damn grateful for my life. It is. It's incredible. And even through all of the hardship, I have learned so, so much. And I'm just so grateful to know the things that I do at this age and to be able to share those with my daughter and help her see the beauty in this life, even when there's so much pain, is just incredible. And I will never, ever take that for granted. True.

Oh, I know. You know, That is the gift of suicide ideation. There's actually a gift. The gift is to choose life every day. And the beauty in choosing to live, that is the other side of the coin that we never look at, you know, and how much gratitude. I know there are many times in my life where I'm so grateful that I did not die. I think that was, like, really sacred. Like, wow, I feel that And I think there are many who are listening who have walked this path or are walking this path. And our stories are, you're not alone. And to choose to live is the greatest gift you could ever have.

Yeah, it's amazing. And I have. I have so much, so much to be grateful for and so much that I wouldn't have had. I made that choice to end my life. I wouldn't have the beautiful family that I do. I wouldn't have my daughter. There's so much joy that I would never have known. And it's so hard to see that in the midst of the pain, I know that I've been there. Oh, but, God, it is just so great. Life can be so beautiful. And I just want to share that hope with people that it. It can get better.

And to not walk alone. I remember the last time I had really intense suicide ideation. As. I mean, I think. I think mine started at 14. So I. It became a neural pathway in my brain, right? Became very, very strong. Was like, life got too much. Life got too intense. I felt too much. It was like, I gotta end this. And I remember being with my friend at a concert, and for some reason, the demons of suicide were. It was like they had all come. And that's what I call them. It's just like the demons of suicide. Like, it's like they all came and they were all like, tonight's the night. Tonight you end this. And I remember just tears running down my cheeks. And she grabbed me, and I'm like, I don't think I can fight him off anymore. I'm tired of fighting them off. And she grabbed my wrist and she put her hands there. And the second she touched my body, it was like they were gone. I remembered who I was, and it was like, do not walk this path alone. That's the key. The key is do not walk this path alone. Even if it's only one person in your corner, you find them and you speak this into them so that they can remind you who you are. And that, like, you found the bridge. Those were like. You did not walk this alone.

Oh, no. I had so many incredible people behind me. The staff, incredible. The other guests were incredible. I made friends that all cherish forever. I love them all, and I love the staff so much. And I didn't walk alone. And after the bridge, it was like I had to. I had to make a choice there. I was like, okay, I can either take all this learning and I can put it to good use. I can get better. Not better, but I can heal or I can go back. And so I just had to make a choice. I was like, okay, no more. Suicide is not an option for me anymore. I have too much. I have a family. I have too much ahead of me. I just. I knew in that moment that I could make a decision and I could live out my dreams or I could choose to go back. And I knew what that felt like, but I didn't know what this felt like. And in a way, that's scary as all hell, and that's something that I talk about in my book. It is so scary to decide to heal, because being in your pain, it's familiar. You know it. But stepping out of that, stepping into the great unknown, it's terrifying. But what you find there is so incredible. You find freedom. There's a story that I share in my book. It was of this prisoner, and the king gave him a choice. He was like, okay, I'm either going to send you to the gallows, or you can have whatever. Whatever lies behind this door that will be your fate. This unknown door, he didn't know what it was, and so he chose the gallows. Why? Because he knew what that would be. What. What was behind the other door was freedom. He just had no idea that it was there. And I. I chose freedom, and I didn't know what it would be like. But I'm here, and it is so, so amazing. It's incredible. And I am so, so glad that this was my choice.

Same. I'm so glad you just live, and I'm so glad you chose to write this book. And I want everyone who's listening to go get her book on Amazon, say the full name again so that they can go get it. Obviously, it will be in our show notes, but those who don't go to show notes, let's just speak it out loud to them again.

Right, so the book is called Holy Shift My Path From Hurting to Healing. And it is by Brianna Roche.

And how do people follow you? What is your Instagram handle?

My Instagram handle is for my author Instagram. I have one that's personal, but I'll keep that more personal. My author Instagram is Brianna Roche Huffner. That is my husband's last name that I've taken and it is spelled. I'll just. I'll spell the whole handle. It's spelled B R I A N N A R A S H A E H U E F N E R at Instagram.

Awesome. And we'll put that in the show notes. Show notes as well, so everyone go follow Brianna. Go grab her book. I. I would even say this is one of those books where it's like, grab like five. Because at some point, we all encounter someone who's struggling, and very rarely do we know what to say. But we can give a book that says the things that need to be said. So you fill the gap where most people don't know what to say when someone's struggling. And it's like, here, read this book. So everyone go grab a. Go grab a handful. Keep them on hand for anyone, you know who needs it. You may need it as a reader, as an. As a listener. And I just want to honor you, Brianna, for bringing this book to life. You know, you had a lot of life. You guys moved across the country, and all these things happening while you're writing the book just like, honor you for still birthing the book, which is really commendable. And I always like to ask my guests, if you could leave with one message, what would you want to leave our listeners with?

I would want to leave you with the message, and it is the message that I love most about this book. Be a victor. I spent so much of my life in victimhood. Since I had been abused, I. I took that on, and I just believe that that's what I was just a victim of sexual abuse. And if I could leave anybody with a message, it would be, don't. Don't be a victim. You are in control of your life, and you can take it back. You have power. The second that I took back my power, I. I took back my power from my abuser. When I decided to be happy, I wasn't going to let him control me anymore. Don't give up. Don't be a victim. Become a victor in your own life. That's what I would. That's what I would say.

Thank you. Deep, powerful words of wisdom that come from not you reading books that didn't come from you taking classes. That came from you living and breathing this. And that is the most powerful place. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being a JOA author.

Thank you.

It's my honor. And as we close up today, I want to send everyone off with my message, Which is to choose life. No matter how messy it may be, no matter how much you might feel like have failed or you are broken or the paths are stopped, this is the invitation to choose life. Yeah. All right, my friends, have a beautiful day, and I'll see you on our next episode of I was Born to do this.