How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty: A Guide for Women Who Always Say Yes

You having boundaries doesn't mean you're difficult. It means you're functioning within a relationship effectively and healthily. Hey there and welcome to let's Talk about it with Laurie Streeter. A space to talk honestly and get real about mental health, therapy and all things wellness. I'm Lori, licensed therapist speaker and your host, here to bring you insights, tools and information you can actually use. Whether you're navigating anxiety, healing your relationship with food, or trying to figure out which techniques will work for your life. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in and let's talk about it. Hey there and welcome back to let's Talk about it with Laurie Streeter. I'm Laurie, and before we get into our boundary discussion today, I just wanna give a very big thank you for wherever you are listening today. Because whether you are cooking or you're in your car or you're working out, I just stress so very much appreciate the support. I get so many messages specifically on Instagram, because that's the social I use the most. But I do get so many messages from people. Questions they have, feedback, what's resonating, what's helping them, tips they've used, like immediately after listening. And it's just really good to know that this information is helpful and beneficial and you're putting it into practice. Because my goal is always that you leave asking yourself a question, thinking about something in a different way, or getting a tip or a tool or a technique to practice or use or use differently than what you were before. So I always try to make things very, very tangible. And I love hearing what you're saying and again, what's resonating. So I just wanted to say thank you before we get started. Okay, so as we talk about boundaries, what I want you to think about first is I want you to think about the last time you said yes to something while your insides were screaming no. I mean, we all do it. We all say yes and immediate. We're like, oh man, why did I say yes to that? I really don't want to, or I don't want to go there. I don't want to hang out with that person or whatever it is. So maybe you took on a project when you were already behind, or you agreed to host Thanksgiving when you're already exhausted, as this is the really the beginning of November. So we are a few weeks out from Thanksgiving at this point. Maybe you said you were fine when someone asked how you were doing and you were very much not fine. Right. Like you gave an answer, you responded, and it was literal opposite of what you really wanted to do or what you were really experiencing in that moment. And so if you can say yes to any of those things, or if you just felt that little pit in your stomach, this episode is absolutely going to be for you. Because here's what I've learned in years, decades. At this point, as a therapist working with very amazing, very capable, yet very overwhelmed women, you having boundaries doesn't mean you're difficult. It means you're functioning within a relationship effectively and healthily. And boundaries are very difficult for women. A lot of times we are raised without understanding them, without being taught them. We're taken advantage of in multiple different ways. And then as adults, we are overwhelmed, and we're just struggling to set boundaries because it's like learning this new language. So. So somewhere along the way, very smart, very ambitious women got the message that saying no is risky, that it makes you difficult to be around or to work with, or that setting boundaries might cost you things like respect and love and opportunities. And really, like, setting boundaries is so important for sustainable relationships in your entire life, personal and professionally. So we're going to jump right into all of it. Today we want to talk about this in a completely different way. Talk about the reasons they feel so impossible, what it's costing you not to have them. And most importantly, like I said at the top of this episode, I want to give you some small, doable shifts that you can literally start to practice today. So let's do this. Before we figure out how to set them where you can maybe do a better job, let's make sure we're on the same page about what boundaries even are, because I think there's a lot of confusion about this. People talk about, got to have better boundaries. You should set boundaries, you should hold your boundaries. But it's one of those topics that isn't explained a lot of times in a way where someone really understands that's what that is, that's what I need to do, and that's how I can put it into practice in my life. We just have, like, this innate knowing that our boundaries suck. So everyone talks about boundaries, but let's explain what they really are. Super simple explanation. Boundaries are where you end and someone else begins. It is the line between your responsibility and theirs, the line between your feelings and theirs, where your time ends and their requests begin. So this is an example I love to use a lot with my clients because it's understandable and it resonates. Think about boundaries Like a garden. If you have a garden that you care about, you plant the seeds, you water it, you tend to it, and you probably want to put some kind of fence around it. Not because you hate your neighbors, not because you're trying to be difficult, but because you're trying to protect what you're creating. You're protecting what's important to you, because the fence is there to let people know, hey, there's something worthwhile and beautiful on the other side here, and I'd like you to pay attention and be careful. So the fence is about defining what's yours to care for, and it's where your space ends and someone else's begins, or when someone else's space ends and yours begins again. Kind of thinking about, like that line where you end and others begin without that fence, people cut through, dogs dig up the flowers, kids trample your plants. Not because they're bad people or animals, but because there's no clear marker of where the garden begins and the shared space or someone else's space begins. That's what boundaries do. Another way you can think about this is like, boundaries are like a bank account. You can't just spend endlessly and depending on what's in your bank account will dictate how much you can spend. So with boundaries, you have limited time, limited energy, limited emotional capacity. It's reality. It's just reality. It's not bad, good, right or wrong, it's just reality. You can't give and spend what you don't have. When you say yes to everything, it's like writing checks your body can't cash, right? Or when you say yes to everything, it's like writing checks that your time can't cash. You go into overdraft, and then there's fees. If we're going with this analogy, the fees are the anxiety, the resentment, the burnout, things like racing thoughts at 3am so when you set a boundary, you're looking at your account and it's like saying, I have $100 of energy left today. I'm going to spend it intentionally instead of letting everyone else make withdrawals wherever they want. And then now I have nothing left for myself. So we could go on and on with the examples, but I think that gives you a pretty good idea of how to think about boundaries. When we put boundaries into place, they sound or look like things like, I don't check my work email after 7pm I'm not available for phone calls on Sundays. I. I can help you with that, but not until next week. These Are things that, like, we have to decide and say to others and recognize and state so that we are recognizing our capacity and communicating that with other people or their internal boundaries. Right? I am not scrolling on my phone before bed because it makes my racing thoughts worse. I am not skipping lunch today because I'm busy at work. I will take my half hour lunch that is allotted to me. I'm not going to say yes to everything immediately. I am going to start taking 24 hours to decide. Everything is not urgent. Right. So boundaries are about what you're saying or letting other people know or teaching other people how to treat you. But they're also these internal boundaries within ourselves. And depending on what you're struggling with, possibly is going to dictate how you approach this. A really important thought here is that boundaries aren't cold. They're not mean, they're not selfish. Sometimes they feel like it. It can be really difficult. They're just honest and they're very much needed. Otherwise you get burnt out, you get resentful. So there are ways for you to say, here's what I can do, here's what I can't do, here's what works for me. Here's what doesn't work for me. Something important too is that boundaries are not about controlling what other people do. You can't control someone else's behavior. You can't boundary someone else's behavior. You can only boundary your response to it. You can't control what other people say or do, but you can say things like, when you speak to me that way, I'm gonna end the conversation and we can try again later. That's you controlling your response to them or your behavior, not attempting for you to control or change them. Boundaries are for you. Even though we're communicating to other people what we need or where we're at in that moment. And other people are sometimes involved in our boundaries, they're not about the other person. They are for you. So now that we have some of that covered, let's talk about the reasons they feel so impossible, so difficult. If boundaries were easy, we would not be having this conversation. But they're not easy. And there are very, very good reasons for this. There's a few. First off is the guilt. The guilt is real. This is the voice that says, but they need me. What kind of person would I be if I said no? The guilt can be loud and it tends to show up the second you even think you're about to disappoint someone. The guilt comes from your story in your mind that if I don't respond immediately, that I don't say yes to this, that I don't do this for this person, that I don't give up my needs to make this person happy, that they're going to be disappointed in me. That's where the guilt comes from. The second one is people pleasing, which is very much kind of goes with the guilt. If you're a people pleaser, you understand this. I say this with so much compassion. But people pleasing isn't a character flaw. It's something we learn to do to survive or navigate difficult relationships. If you're a people pleaser, it's not your fault. It's something you probably learned early on. You learned that keeping other people happy, you feeling responsible for other people's emotions, kept you safe. It kept you out of trouble, and it kept the adults around you calm, right? You felt responsible for other people's emotions. And if you could tread lightly and have poor boundaries and people please, everybody would just stay calm and it would be good and that helped you feel good. So you took responsibility for other people's emotions. You learned that being helpful and accommodating, always flexible, it made you valuable, it was rewarding. It's one of those things, though, that, like now as an adult, is exhausting. And the third reason that boundaries feel so difficult is fear. Again, these three very much go kind of hand in hand with each other. Fear of conflict, fear of being seen as selfish, fear of judgment, fear that if you're not constantly available or helpful, people will what? They'll leave, they'll replace you, they'll stop valuing you, they'll stop liking you. And while that's not life or death, it feels awful. So our fear takes over. And for many women, saying no has in the past had consequences. So we learn to not say no. We learned that setting boundaries in relationships can possibly trigger a backlash. So then we just stay silent and we do what other people say because again, it keeps us safe. We don't have to deal with not being liked, not being judged, not having conflict because everybody's emotions just, let's just keep everybody happy. And now I don't have to deal with the repercussions of all of that. So all of that said, here's what's happening, like beneath those three reasons, the guilt, the people pleasing and the fear. It's your belief system running in the background, those like programs on your computer that are running and slowing down, the thing that you're trying to work on, people who struggle with these things, it sounds like if I don't do it, it won't get done. I have to be the strong one. Everyone else has it harder than me, I should just be able to handle it. If I'm not helpful, they're not gonna like me. Things like that. So you probably have thoughts in your mind or statements you say to yourself when this stuff is going on. And that sound familiar to you that are resonating, that you have your go to belief systems, like I said, running in the background that are keeping you fearful, keeping you people pleasing, keeping you feeling guilty so that your boundaries continue to suck. And, and the crazy thing for especially women is that we're rewarded for this. We are rewarded for over functioning. We're rewarded for staying late, remembering everyone's birthday, juggling 15 things at once while making it look easy, carrying the mental load of the household until all of a sudden you start to feel resentful and or you can't carry it all anymore. So it's go, go, go. Oh my gosh, you're doing amazing, you do it all. But inside there's like this silent suffering that goes on with so many women I've worked with. And that is what we are trying to not fix, but we're trying to reconcile here because that feeling really feels shitty. Like it's just not great to be in that place. So this is usually when my clients start to describe things. Like they're laying awake at 3am with their mind racing about what happened that day or the next day's to do list. They're telling me they're stress eating after everyone goes to bed because it's the only moment they have to themselves. Sometimes they're snappy because they're running on empty, right? They're irritable. And the wild thing that breaks my heart and makes me so sad about all of this is that if this sounds like you, if this is something you struggle with, you probably still, and I put this in air quotes, look fine on the outside. People tell you, I don't know how you do it all. And there is something sickly rewarding about that. Like we are like hell, yeah, I do it all. We're suffering, we're struggling. But there is something rewarding about people acknowledging the hard work, but they really don't understand what is going on behind the scenes. So rewarding or not, even though the world can't see it, when you feel like you're drowning, we have to do something about it. And that is the cost of not having boundaries. That's the cost of having porous boundaries. So we got to keep going with this. When we don't have boundaries, when we have them but don't enforce them, when we have very porous boundaries, there's a price, the price we pay emotionally, professionally and personally. So emotionally without boundaries, resentment builds. You start to feel upset and angry at the people you care about. Not because they're demanding. I mean, maybe they are, but more so because you keep saying yes when you want to say no. And that is so fucking exhausting. Anxiety for a lot of my clients starts to be at an all time high because when you're over committed and like under energized, everything feels urgent. Everything feels like a fire you have to put out. And then your nervous system is just like in constant overdrive. So you're just anxious and everything is fight or flight. And then like this sense of depletion sets in where this bone deep exhaustion that like sleep can't fix. Because you're not just physically tired from doing all of the things, it's like you're emotionally, mentally, spiritually just depleted. Like there is nothing else to give. And this is like kind of where that concept of like you can't pour from an empty cup comes in. This is what we mean when we say stuff like that. Professionally, the cost of weak boundaries creates unclear expectations. When you say yes to everything. People don't know and they're not taught what your true capacity is. They don't know what your priorities are. And honestly, like you start to not realize either. You start to just blur all the boundaries. And then you're like, I don't even know what I can do anymore. Because you take it all on without considering what you have the time and energy and resources for. So then your performance can tank because you're spread too thin. The quality of what you're doing suffers because 17 things being juggled, they are kind of done all right. Instead of doing a couple things incredibly well, right? You start to just feel not valuable because everything you're doing just kind of like, eh, it looks okay and you're not really doing anything super well. And burnout just starts to feel inevitable or becomes inevitable because you're not just tired at the end of the day, you're burnt out, like you're exhausted. You like can't even think about your to do list because it makes you want to cry. This is something I hear just a lot from my clients. These are the conversations that are happening in my office. I also want you to realize that when I say professionally, it could mean working within your household. If you're a stay at home parent, that is your work. Or if you're a part time worker, that is your work. So when we're saying professionally and we're talking about these unclear expectations and burnout, I don't mean only for the women who drive to their nine to five every day at an office like this could apply to you even if you don't have the typical corporate job. So we touched on emotionally, professionally, now let's touch on personally the cost of having weak boundaries. Relationships suffer, you get irritable, you get disconnected, you start to feel like you're there physically, but like checked out emotionally because you just feel so damn drained all the time. Time self neglect starts to become the baseline when your boundaries are super weak or porous because you start to give up on the things you were trying to do for yourself, like going to the gym, or you start to skip therapy appointments, or you can't remember the last thing you did for yourself. Because if it's not on the to do list or it's not in service to someone else, it just takes a backseat, right? And then by the end of the day or the end of the week, you're out of time, energy, resources for yourself. So everybody just comes first. I had a client once say something that really, really stuck with me. She said, I feel like I'm the Internet at my house. Everyone is connected to me, taking what they need and I'm just standing there being drained and nobody knows whether I need a break. They just get upset when it doesn't work properly. And I was like, that is a really, really good analogy. So the amount of times I've heard similar things, it really does make me sad. I know I've lacked boundaries in the past and it's not easy. It is something we can work on and it is something we need to work on because you can't run on fumes forever. What I want you to understand is that weak, porous or lacking boundaries is not sustainable. So here's where we have to flip the script. These are the shifts we have to start to make in our minds. These are the new languages we have to learn. Because if you don't have boundaries and you start to set them, practice them, recognize them in your own life, it is like learning a new language. So the first thing I want you to think about is that boundaries create clarity. When you're clear about your limits, your priorities, what you will, what you won't do, you actually make it easier for everyone else around you. Everyone knows where they stand. Your family knows what to expect. Your colleagues and friends know what's realistic for you. Vagueness creates confusion. Think about, like a job you've had in the past with a manager who had really clear expectations. You knew what was expected of you. You knew when they were available and when they weren't. You knew what was urgent and what could wait. And if you think about the alternative of a boss who was like, all over the place, the boss said yes to everything and then was resentful of everyone else, or they had weird priorities, or they were constantly changing deadlines, which made your job more difficult. And that boss probably just seemed miserable. They probably weren't very fun to work with. So if you think about the boss you trusted most, it was probably the boss who had some pretty clear boundaries around their role and the boundaries they set around your role. The second little script we want to flip is that boundaries create trust. When you have weak boundaries, people actually trust you less. I say that with a lot of love, but people who have weak boundaries aren't very trusted. It's not a fun thing to say. When you lack boundaries, you start to feel resentful. Right? We talked about these costs of lacking boundaries, of porous boundaries. You start to feel resentful. You struggle. And people can sense that when you have strong boundaries, you become reliable. When you say yes, people know that you mean it. When you say, I can't take that on right now, they trust you that you're being honest rather than saying yes. So people do like to take advantage of people because naturally I think we're takers. But when you learn to say no, people do tend to trust those people more who have boundaries. We're always going to have people in our lives who don't respect our boundaries, who will push and push and push. And those are not easy people to deal with. And while those people are probably close to you and you deal with them a lot, it doesn't mean that you should give up on this boundary discussion. And the third little script I want you to flip in your mind and start thinking about is that setting limits will help you build confidence and present yourself differently. So this is huge. We have been taught that boundaries are selfish. They're about, like, withholding things from other people, right? If you have boundaries, that means you can't be there for me, whatever it is. But real boundaries are about you being able to sustain your own energy and, well, being. Boundaries help you be your best self. So someone who has Solid boundaries understands that they can't be effective if they're burnt out. They know that saying no to things makes space for things they truly want to do. They know that their time and their energy are finite resources and they honor that. So someone who has boundaries tend to have higher self esteem, more confidence in the things they're doing and they present themselves differently be to the world and to other people. Keep in mind, I know as adults we absolutely have to do some things we don't want to do, but when that happens, it's necessary and your boundaries can help take care of the rest. And that is way more tolerable versus just taking on and being responsible and feeling like you have to do everything when you set a boundary. You're saying, I respect myself enough to know my limits. And so this brings all of this around to what you actually do. Because we talked about what boundaries are, the cost of having porous boundaries or lacking boundaries. Those little scripts we want to flip. And now I want to get tactical because it is important to me. I've said this before, that you leave having something to practice if you have been here before or you have followed me on social media and I said it again at the top of this episode. You know I love to teach, but what I always find the most beneficial is that people leave my content asking themselves a new question or using a technique or something I have mentioned. We love practicality around here. That is important. So here are four things that you can start to practice like as soon as I stop talking today. Number one is stop apologizing. Oh my gosh. As women, we are over apologizers. I do it. I apologize for everything. And I know a lot of women do it. Especially if you struggle with boundaries. What if you didn't apologize? So many women start boundary setting with I'm sorry. But instead of saying something like I'm so sorry but I can't take that on right now. A more confident, self worth way to phrase it is that I don't have the bandwidth for that right now. What I can do is XYZ or here's what works for me. I can take a look at that next week when I have more time. You're not being rude. If you stop apologizing so much, you're being clear. You don't owe anyone an apology for having limits. Start to practice this. Notice how different it feels to state a boundary without apologizing first. So many women are over apologizers. And now that I've kind of explained that aspect to you, I know that you're going to start to pay attention to it and take some action and try to catch yourself when you're noticing an apology coming, especially when it comes to boundaries. Number two is use something like not now instead of no. Sometimes a hard no can feel too confrontational, especially if boundaries have been a struggle for you. And that's okay. You can soften a boundary so that it's accessible for you while still practicing it. So you can say things like, not right now, I'm at capacity, but I can think about that in a couple weeks. Or I can't commit to that this month, but check back with me in June, or check back with me, let's circle back after the new year, right? Something like that. Or I'm not able to do that at this time, but I really appreciate you thinking of me. Statements like this give you what you need without that guilt of a hard no. I'm someone who tends to, like, wrap bad news or nos in pretty wrapping paper before I hand them to someone because I feel bad. And it's been a process for me to learn to say no over the past couple decades. So I want you to think about these statements like a gate that's closed right now, but it might open later. Something that feels a little easier as you start to learn to do this and practice this. We see so often on social media. No is a full sentence. And while I understand that it is really difficult for a lot of women because it feels bad, it feels too harsh, it feels like it's so far on the other end of the spectrum from where we are now. So it's so hard to just tell someone no and not give an explanation or not pad it with something. So use this like not now instead of no and see how that feels. The third tip I have for you is thinking about your time boundaries and like blocking things out or specific time frames. And I'm going to explain it. So this one can be huge for, like, managing the shift between your work life and your personal life. This is like blocking out 30 minutes at the end of your day, putting it on your calendar that says transition time not available. Right. If we want to be super, super clear with this. If you're not using a work calendar, maybe you have a conversation with your partner or your family. If you can't take 30 minutes, start with two minutes. Something is better than nothing. Depending on how much time you have, use that to decompress. Go for a walk, listen to music, journal, wash up for bed, stretch. Whatever you do that allows you to be present. This helps prevent the crash. Between what happens when you go from a hundred miles an hour work and then to walking in the door at home and immediately being needed by your family. Or when you're winding down at the end of the day and transitioning into your own nighttime routine, or when you're looking to like prime your body and brain for sleep. So often we go from 100 to zero and we feel like we'll just fall asleep miraculously because we are tired. But we need transition time, so that is something to think about. And the fourth thing is to practice like a 24 hour rule or wait it out for non urgent requests. This is one of my favorites and has actually been something I've more easily been able to implement because it's the most accessible for me. The other ones have been a little more difficult and that's fine. When someone asks you to do something and it's not urgent, don't answer immediately. So not only do I encourage you to not respond immediately, like don't answer the text or the email right away, but also in what you say to them. So you can use things like let me check my calendar and get back to you at the end of this week or in three days. The kicker is that you actually have to take the time. Sleep on it. Check in with yourself about the request. Even if your answer's no and you know you're going to say no, respond when you said you would no earlier because so many of us say yes impulsively out of that guilt or fear and then regret it later. That 24 hour rule, or recognizing any non urgent request, it gives you permission to pause. Something I've learned the hard way is that people respect you more for taking time to consider something rather than like reflexively answering and or saying yes. So let me check my calendar and get back to you whether or not you're going to say no. And then take that time to think about it. And if you again know the answer, still don't answer them right away. Give them the answer when you said you would give them the answer. We like immediate gratification and it's like, okay, I'm gonna tell them no. So I'll just get back to them right away. Stop, stop, stop, stop feeling like you are responsible for answering someone immediately. This is a really good accessible technique that again was one of the simplest things for me to practice and implement and often something that's like most accessible for women I work with. So I really encourage you to maybe start with this one. If your boundaries are lacking and you're thinking that this is all going to be really difficult, this might be the one that you can kind of practice the the easiest or like, again, be more accessible to you. All right, so I know that was a lot like, what are boundaries? The cost of them flipping the script, the tactical practical tips. But I really wanted to explain boundaries and leave you with some practice tips that you can use in real life. Like as soon as this episode ends, that is so important to me. These are important lessons that are only going to make us better, more effective, and raise our own self esteem and self worth. If you are craving control, more energy, more peace in your life, it's it is probably going to start with boundaries. It starts with one small boundary. You don't have to start doing all of this today, especially if it's something you've struggled with or have never really put into play. You don't want to start doing this all right away because again, it's like learning a new language. You're not going to pick it all up naturally like tomorrow. So maybe you do start with not checking your email after 7. Maybe it's saying I need to think about that instead of immediately saying yes. Maybe it's blocking out Saturday mornings for yourself instead of taking on plans. Start small. Practice regularly and notice what happens. Here's something I've seen. When women start to set boundaries, they don't lose relationships. The relationships tend to get better because they're finally showing up for themselves. They're not continuing to show up as that resentful, overwhelmed, overextended, exhausted version of themselves. They start to feel more confident and assertive in the best way possible. And that's super awesome to see and feel as the person who's learning the boundaries. They also start to feel like they have more time and energy because they're not spending all of their precious time and energy on things they don't want to be doing. Here's what I encourage you to do. Pick one of the four shifts we talked about. Stop apologizing, using not now the time boundaries, or not answering the urgent requests immediately. Just pick one, start practicing it this week and get back to me about how you felt about what happened and anything you noticed. Because boundaries are like a muscle. The more you use them and flex them, the stronger they'll get. And the stronger you get, the more you'll be able to pick up. So if you start with simple things that are most accessible to you and you really get that under your belt and that muscle gets stronger and you start to practice the more difficult ones or you start to approach the people in your life that maybe are a little more difficult. You can do this. It is going to take practice. I just want you to remember that saying no to someone else often means saying yes to yourself. And that is something that we miss because we feel like saying yes to ourselves means saying no to other people and it hurts so much and then they're not going to like us. But saying yes to yourself in whatever capacity that is is so important because at the end of the day you matter. You have to lay your head down in the pillow and you know if you are feeling resentful of your relationships and exhausted and overwhelmed and overextended, I am certain because I work with so many women that something in this episode resonated today and I would love for you to just go out and practice it and come back to me and let me know how it is looking in your life as you implement this stuff. Until next time, take care. Thanks for hanging out with me today on let's Talk about it with Laurie Streeter. If this episode resonated with you, it would mean so much if you'd leave a five star review, share it with a friend, or come say hi on Instagram loristreeter. Your support will help this podcast grow and I so appreciate you being here today. I want to help people just like you feel like they're not alone and gain the tools they need to grow. Until next time, take care.