Unlocking the Power of Employee Emotional Wellness for Business Success

I wonder if your business is experiencing the following. Low productivity, high absenteeism and turnover maybe? Low employee engagement and morale. Could it be workplace conflicts and complaints? As much as these are problems in themselves, there is a deeper problem bubbling beneath the surface. In the modern business landscape, a critical yet neglected issue is the emotional and mental well-being of our employees. This oversight can lead to a graduate— gradual yet significant impact on productivity, engagement, and of course, overall workplace harmony, ultimately affecting the bottom line and long-term sustainability of your business. And that's what we're talking about today on Marc Haine Live. Welcome to this episode! This is where small business owners and entrepreneurs develop new skills to help them create the jaw-dropping, show-stopping experience that their customers and their employees deserve. I am your host, Customer and Employee Experience Strategist Marc Haine. I am so glad that you are here along for the ride today for this really amazing episode. My guest today is TEDx speaker, family physician, and mental health advocate, Dr. Shehana Ali Bai. Today, we're tackling a silent yet colossal challenge that haunts businesses across the globe— the overlooked emotional well-being of our employees. We're going to uncover the link between emotional and mental health and what you can do to stimulate both within your workplace culture. My one ask for you today is that if you know somebody who could use this information, I'd love it if you would share this link with them. Honestly, knowledge is power. But my goodness, only if we share it. As businesses— try that again. As businesses, we often focus on the tangible and the measurable crisis that we deal with day in and day out. Aside from that, we meticulously track things like finances, deadlines, and performance metrics. But what about the emotional and mental well-being of our employees, the very engine of our business success? Have you ever tiptoed past a co-worker, or an employee, or even a boss justifying that We have to stay clear of Gordon. He's having a really bad day. So that brings us to our Question of the Day. So, when was the last time you paused to consider the unseen emotional load that your team is carrying? And how might this be subtly yet significantly influencing your business outcomes. I'd love for you to be part of this solution and part of this conversation. So, go ahead and share this episode on your favorite social media platform. Hashtag it #ExperienceLeadership and make sure that you are part of this conversation because it is a big deep conversation. As I mentioned, I am thrilled to have Dr. Shahana Ali Bai A distinguished family physician and a champion of mental health with over 12 years in medicine, Dr. Shahana has dedicated her career to improving emotional well-being, especially among our youth, the young people. As a TEDx speaker and a lead physician at one of British Columbia's largest youth health centers, her insights into emotional and mental health are both profound and extremely practical. Dr. Shahana is not just a doctor. She is a trailblazer in mental health education, reaching audiences from local communities to the international stage as a professional speaker. Her upcoming book, Feel Better, is a testament to her commitment to fostering emotional literacy. Today, she joins us to share her invaluable expertise on the vital link between emotional health and workplace success. Dr. Shahana, I am I'm so glad that you're here today. Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Thank you so much. What a kind and generous introduction. I so, so appreciate that. And I'm so happy to be on the show.

Love to have you. Hey, I'd love to get into kind of your founder story. How did you migrate from being a family physician to becoming a mental health expert?

I love that. And the best place to start is a couple of years ago on the TEDx stage actually. So, in 2019, When my youngest son was just 3 months old, I have 3 young boys. Currently, they're 8, 6, and 4. But at that time, my youngest was just a baby. I was standing on that TEDx stage and I called myself a hypocrite. And the truth was that I completely was a hypocrite because up until that point, I loved helping patients with their mental health. I loved advocating for them and supporting them. But there was almost this veil around me. And the veil was more like a cloak that separated myself from others in the sense that I felt too good. I felt too good that I would never be the recipient of a mental health diagnosis. I would never need to worry about the depths of depression or how difficult it was to deal with anxiety until after the birth of my first son, I found myself in exactly that space. And no amount of prestige, no amount to the letters behind your name, no amount of privilege could protect me from that too. So I think like anything else too, once you walk the walk, once you know what it feels like to be sitting there sharing your story to a complete stranger, then you understand what your patients have been doing all along. And that was the most truthful thing I'd ever said, the most raw and the most honest. And it was from that point forward that I felt something else needed to be done. I continue to practice as a physician. In some ways, to be a good speaker, I need to still be a physician because it's being a physician and hearing the stories and being at the grassroots level that helps me understand what are the current challenges that people are facing. And I translate those stories that a lot of these young vulnerable youth will tell me into lessons that surprise, surprise, the boardroom needs to hear as well. So, that's how this all came to be for me.

I have to commend you because I think it takes a lot of courage to admit when we need help. And I don't think that especially as we become adults, I don't know, maybe it's just generational. But as a baby boomer, I was told just to shake it off. And so, to be able to be self-aware enough to turn around to say, you know what? I need help. I think is one of those things that just require a ton of courage.

Well, absolutely. And you hit the nail on the head right there because I think therein lies the crux of the hypocrisy. Because even for me growing up coming from a family that pushed, pushed, pushed education in a very good way, they came to the country as refugees. A big part of it was that mental health is a they disease. It's never a you disease. You know, it can't penetrate this wall that we've created culturally, socioeconomically around us too. But there's such thing as the pratfall effect. And if more of us understood it, it would really help us understand that the pratfall effect simply says, if I believe that you're competent and you share something that is vulnerable, a challenge, even a mistake that you've done, I like you more. I respect you more. And I think that is the biggest hypocrisy that leadership and those within the boardroom often feel because it's that feeling of, well, I can never admit anything. And it's that lack of cultural safety as well. So, when we find out that people actually lean in when we're vulnerable and honest, if you are surrounded by the right people.

Yeah, yeah. And it does start at the top. We have to create those environments. But before we dive headlong into our topic today, Can we start off by defining what the difference is between emotional health and mental health?

Yeah, yeah. I think that's one of the issues though that if you look at the DSM criteria, which is this big textbook that we carry around in psychiatry where we help differentiate all the diseases, you're not going to find it in there, right? I think this is one of the things that I struggled with. So, I think to approach a definition is best through an analogy. So let me give you an analogy that I use every day and I use with my patients to help me. So I want you to imagine a picture, like a beautiful picture that you might see. The picture that you see is the mental health of the person. That is often what I would see as a clinician. I would see the fact that they struggle with insomnia, the fact that they're feeling anxious, the fact that they're struggling in school, whatever the case might be. But every single pixel that make up that picture, that is their emotional health. So, in essence, emotional health is the substrate of mental health. But we tend to focus only on mental health when in fact, we need to go deeper. We need to start looking at those pixels and the tens and hundreds of thousands of chances and opportunities we have to understand our emotions, to regulate our emotions, and to understand that emotions are not simply a stumbling block But a piece of information.

Yeah, I love that. It's interesting that you say that because to this day, I go into a lot of organizations and we talk about the whole mental health thing. In fact, WCB, the Workman's Compensation Board, actually recognizes mental health now as a WCB issue. But at no point do we talk about this idea of emotional health and And what derives it. So, how does emotional health directly impact mental health in what we're calling the professional setting?

I think for especially the professional setting, you have to look at the defense mechanisms that people go to counteract their emotions. Because at the end of the day, emotions, the word emotion comes from emotus. It comes and it goes. But the problem is so much of us from our upbringing, from our experiences, culturally, we have learned that emotions have to be pushed away. They have to be denied. They have to be suppressed. It's okay to blame somebody else. So the 3 things I always say is that we either suppress our emotions, deny our emotions, or blame you. It's your fault. It's the ultimate finger-pointing. And we all know those people in our lives.

Yeah.

Like, you know, I'm late for the meeting because Somehow, it's your fault. And a lot of us have lived with those types of people too. So, when it comes to the defense mechanisms, that's how we can start to recognize the fractures in our system by not actually putting the focus, putting the spotlight where it needs to be on emotional health. We've all had a boss. We've all had employees that just suppress, suppress, suppress until what? And that's where the mental health— that's where— that's when they end up in my office with an addiction of some sort. And maybe it's not even addiction, but it's a fact that, you know, suddenly my 2 glasses of wine a night has become 4. Suddenly, I'm binge-watching fill in the blank. Suddenly, I'm neglecting my responsibilities. And it's a slippery slope, as we all know, right?

Yeah.

Netflix and wine can slowly become many other things. It doesn't take that long too. So all of that is a smokescreen, right?

Yeah.

It's just a smokescreen for all those pixels. It goes back to the pixel analogy. If you only could actually look at the emotion for what it's at, it doesn't mean that every single emotion needs to be dissected down to its finest. I always say, just acknowledge the emotion just for a nanosecond. By acknowledging it and accepting it, you actually allow it to go away. That's the irony of all of this.

Yeah, and I'm looking forward to getting into a little bit of strategy around that as well.

Yeah.

But for the moment, you have in your notes, you mentioned this idea of invisible chalkboard. Could you explain the concept of invisible chalkboard and its significance in our workplace?

No, of course, of course. And one of my recent keynotes, I actually gave every participant a little chalkboard. So, they're kind of going like, is this school? Is it not? Because it's like a micro-sized version of a chalkboard. But in any case too, This is a really important concept to me. And if we just zoom out for a second, and I mentioned, if we think about, well, here I am telling you to become more emotionally aware, that it's gonna help your mental health. Well, how exactly? And the 3 letters I want you to come back to is the 3 A's. One is acknowledge, one is awareness, and one is action. Acknowledge, awareness, and action. So if we double-click on the acknowledge piece, This, in a nutshell, is one of the biggest facets that I think is missing. We all talk about be more self-aware, be more self-aware. Sounds great on paper. But one of the stories that I share in the book is that when I ask the youth, do you care about yourself? Like, why are we even here? Oftentimes, there's a string of 4-letter words as to how much they whatever hate themselves. And it's not just youth, it's many of us as well. So it's really hard to look in a dirty closet when you don't like what's in there. And that's where the acknowledgement piece comes in. And one of the exercises is imagining that everybody, including those in your professional life, is walking around with this huge invisible chalkboard on their head. On that chalkboard is everything that they kind of hoped and want to share with you, or the things that they're struggling with but they're not actually saying. They're putting on the facade of Fine. But meanwhile, they're struggling in their relationship. One of their kids is sick. They're struggling with their finances. Their parents have just been diagnosed with cancer. Just think about the recent family gathering for Christmas or for whatever season it might be that you went to. Do you actually know what's going on in people's head? And once you do, does it help you realize that their experiences are not excuses? But explanations. Your experiences are not excuses for behaving badly, but simply explanations of how you act and react to the world. And the essence of the invisible chalkboard is to highlight the impact of trauma. At the end of the day, it's an approachable version of thinking about all of this stuff that we carry with us, some categorized as trauma, some as not. But that we don't have privy to unless we ask the right questions.

Would it be fair to say that everybody that we deal with on a day-to-day basis, especially in the workplace, that they could be going through something but they just shield themselves off and you're not going to see it just necessarily in the day-to-day?

Oh, of course, of course. And suddenly, that rude response, that lack of replying to the email, that brush off, any of that stuff Might make sense when you know what's going on at home. And I think one of the pieces of my job that I really love is that I can get to someone's invisible chalkboard within about 5 seconds. As soon as they come and see me, a lot of the guard is let down because they know that the visit is confidential. They know that I'm a physician. They know that they can inadvertently trust me. And suddenly, the back pain is not the back pain. It's the fact that they are—

Yeah.

Struggling with whatever the case might be too. So, really honing in. And I think where a lot of leadership or leaders make the mistake is that we're not asking you to be physicians. We're not asking you to be counselors or therapists or any of that. It's just the awareness. Even if you are realizing that we all have this including you, it makes those conversations a lot easier. And when you do that one-on-one checklist, you can start to Once again, show that vulnerability by sharing something that you feel is appropriate and hope that they might reciprocate. And I call it the nanosecond effect because when somebody is going to share, you don't know when. You can't predict the right time that someone's going to share something. But the nanosecond effect is this: the gentle leaning in, the opening up of your eyes, the receptive nature. I'm not sure if you've ever been in that situation, but I surely was when I was I was so scared to share part of my own story. And when my friend leaned in towards me, it was this feeling of an iceberg shattering. Like suddenly, I felt safe that I could do that. So, don't forget about the nanosecond effect.

Yeah. So, understanding then that we have kind of this, that everybody's walking around with their shields. Everybody's walking around with some semblance of facade that we're putting on. What are some of the signs that leaders need to be looking out for that a business is really neglecting the emotional health of its employees? What are the telltale signs?

You know, it's been such a privilege over the last year to work with a number of organizations. The one thing that I've seen over and over again is there's a lot of miscommunication. There's a feeling that the effort that I'm putting in is actually not getting anywhere. This has been a consistent theme that I've seen. So, there's higher echelons of leadership. There's a middle leadership. They are working like the hamster on a wheel trying to get things done. And then all of a sudden, something, some rule can be implemented and suddenly everything is changed. So the feeling that these people in the middle layer of leadership really, really care about what they're doing. They really want to make an impact. But if their actions are not reciprocated in a positive way or all of a sudden everything that they've worked towards can be shattered by just one change in delegation or one change in actual leadership, That's really hard, right? So, making sure that when you task somebody something, they actually can see a final result to that. That you can see that there's an effort behind their action. I think that layer of miscommunication and poor communication between layers of leadership has been a common, common thing that I've seen as well. I think one of the other things too is, and this was done at an event that I went to, is that There can be a lot of talk around this. You know, we're really there to support your mental health. We really want to understand. There's an event of some sort, but there's no action following through, right? And I was part of an event like this, and I had multiple people come up to me and say, this all looks very pretty on the outside. But when I'm struggling, when I'm on short-term disability, like no one's asking me how I'm doing. So, you're really walking the walk. Really just, it's simple things. Asking your people how they're doing, right? Caring about people, right? Making the time, asking the right questions too. So, it's not enough just to fill a mandate, have a keynote, and be done with it. Showing the actions throughout the year.

Yeah. So, for leaders who are in these environments, are there specific behaviors or attitudes that they should be aware of that might indicate that there is a problem?

You know what? I think sometimes, it's when people go silent. You know, that they've tried for so long to try to initiate a conversation. And it's kind of— I think the word is apathy. I think apathy is one of the absolute most dangerous things that you can have because at least if you're getting angry, at least if you're getting— that shows passion. But I think apathetic employees is the hallmark. We call it the canary in the coal mine when it comes to medical terms, right? That something actually is— that there's a fire burning there. So, that was the biggest indicator that I've seen over this last year.

So essentially, they're disengaged. They're not engaging with the team. They're not engaging with the work. That is the canary in the coal mine for them.

That is. It's the invisible chalkboard of what's the point. What's the point in all this? Like, why should I do this because nothing is actually happening the way that I was promised or the way that I thought it would or the way that I think is best for this direction? That kind of thing.

Yeah. In your mind, what are the long-term effects if people and leaders ignore the emotional well-being of their employees?

I think ultimately, it's a lack of diversity in the team. I think you end up getting Just shining out the people who actually would bring new and creative ideas and who are truly passionate about the vision. And you're actually replicating an identical version of whoever the leader is because those are the people who are not fighting you, who are actually agreeing with everything that you're saying. So, that whole idea of why are we having so much dialogue about diversity and who we are but diversity in the ideas we bring, we create a very homogenized leadership. And I think, We can see time and time again. That might feel fine in the short term. But in the long term, you're going to see the economic downside of that. Absolutely.

Yeah, and I've been privy to those kinds of environments time and time again where I've gone into organizations that have hired me to help them out. And I realized that very quickly, I walked into a very micromanaging environment. But the people that are there, the people who've been around for 2, 3, 4 years, are the kind of people who really like that micromanaging. They like to be told what to do. But please don't come to me and ask me to think for myself. And so, when I talk to the owners or the managers, it's like nobody's creative. Nobody's doing anything. But you just ball and chained them.

Yeah, well, exactly, exactly. You've just created like we were just watching the Minion movie. It's like the little minions. Like, you've just kind of created a replica of all that stuff.

Right.

And that is the result. I think that's really well said too. So yeah, I think this whole idea that you don't want to be, as a leader, to be looking at yourself in the mirror, like in figurative terms, right? You want to be bringing new and fresh ideas. And the people that I've seen that are the most passionate that I've had these interviews with, it's really sickening and disheartening in some ways because they just feel like all this effort that they're putting in isn't being recognized. So, if you draw that out in the long term, that's where you see that apathy.

Yeah. So, it's basically a last— one of the telltales that we're talking about is we're just following on to this lack of value.

Yes, yes.

You're giving people projects to do. I've also seen this where there's been multiple stakeholders that the employee has to report to. They might have a department manager but a shift lead as well. And they have this conflict between Well, why are you doing this? Well, because the manager said to. Well, don't forget about the manager. I need this project done now. And so, people are being pulled in different directions as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. I think, yeah, and it's really interesting too. People might not want to share their whole story but they want to share part of their story. They want you to know that they might be about their spouse or a little bit about their kids. Like, people want to be seen as a person within the profession Yeah. And then, as a person outside of the profession too. That they are not just this plug-and-play robot, right? So, I think that's really important. And the more that you can dive into that. And I love to call my tagline that I see the person behind the profession. And when I actually do my keynotes, I speak to that person, right? Where one of the key things that I say is that I see you as the whole person. As the mom running around for school pickup to the mom in the office. And we're All of those hats don't leave us. They just stack one on top of the other.

Yeah, I hate to say it but COVID was a blessing in that regard because all of a sudden, because people were working at home, all of a sudden leaders, the team leads, the managers got to see their employees. The fact that they have a dog, that they have kids, toddlers running around constantly. And that they had to be put. And so, I think it gave leaders a new insight into their team members that these were people outside of the office as well.

No, well said. Yeah, that's a very good point. Very good point.

Yeah, I'd like to get into some solutions that we can use to turn the tides on this insidious condition. Because I do think it is rather insidious. And we'll get to that right after this. Welcome back! I am speaking with Dr. Shahana. Dr. Shahana, let us jump straight into some solutions. You've kind of toyed around with some ideas in the first part of our segment. But how can managers and leaders effectively acknowledge and address the emotional health issues within their teams?

Yeah, that's a It's an amazing question. It's a big, big one to unpack. I think that where you really need to start is with yourself too. You know, I think I'll never forget this keynote that I gave and I shared the story that I have of postpartum OCD and anxiety and giving the TEDx talk and gave the 90-minute keynote. And as soon as I was done, the leader, the CEO of this very large organization came up and in front of the crowd, he admitted that he had cried 6 weeks ago. And I remember looking at him going, was there more to the story? But that was it. For him, that was a really difficult thing to admit to his colleagues and his peers. And you should have just seen the biggest smile on his face by actually almost kind of coming clean to the fact that he had teared up a little bit 4 to 6 weeks ago. And it was this beautiful moment too because the work has to start within that leadership too. If you are not modeling, if you are not practicing the pratfall effect, by that I mean sharing something vulnerable, even sharing a mistake, it really is so difficult for your employees to follow suit. But if you— a lot of people are formula people. If you really like a formula to help people become more aware, remember that the 3 A's were acknowledge. You need to actually have an iota of self-acknowledgement. I don't say self-love. I say self-acknowledgement to want to become more self-aware. So, the first step is acknowledging how far you've come. You know, the pitfalls that you've gone through, the lessons that you've learned, and all of that is in the book in terms of how. The next step is the awareness piece. And you build awareness by understanding that your emotions are just like a compass. For those of us who did Girl Guides or Boy Scouts or whatever the case might be, if you think of your emotions as a compass guiding you towards what you value, Even if you hate something, even if you despise something, underneath that is something you care about, otherwise you wouldn't have an emotion for it. So, this is the power of trying to recognize and understand where your emotions are coming from. There are 3,400 different types of emotions. I'm not saying you need to dissect every one. I'm just saying that when there is a strong response, follow that response. You know, my son, when he was 5, I always give this story. He was splitting up some candy. At that time, it was maybe like a baby, a 3-year-old, and a 5-year-old. Gave some Smarties, made the cardinal mom mistake. I gave the 3-year-old a couple more, gave the 5-year-old a couple less, and he just charged at me with his little fists like, how dare you rob me of 2 yellow Smarties? Like I had committed the ultimate offense. And to this day, my older son— Oh, my goodness. I always tell him, you really value fairness. And boy, was that on display at Christmas.

Boy.

Like, everything had to be equal, fair and square. And the funniest thing recently, my now 6-year-old, my middle son, looked at my older son saying, you know what? Yes, Mommy says you value fairness. Like, you know, so it's really interesting when you can use this to teach your kids as well, that there's a reason behind this. uber negative or uber positive response. And we all have that innately in us. So remember that if it's acknowledge, it's the awareness, and the awareness piece is dialing into your emotional compass. And then it's action. What do you do? And here is surprise, surprise, you cannot change your emotion. I can't tell you suddenly feel happy, go.

No.

Doesn't work that way. You don't change your emotion. You soften it. You soften it.

Mm-hmm.

Just like leaving butter out on the counter, like the ultimate, you know, question, are you a butter in the fridge or butter on the counter? We all know when butter is left on the counter, you can kind of smoothly slice into it. You want to change your emotions from a block of butter in the freezer to a block of butter on the counter. We all instinctively know how that feels, and you do that by tapping into a very simple acronym that I have. It's called BETS, B-E-T-S. All of this is on my website. There's a breathing component. The I really— the E stands for your eyes. Actually, by fanning out into the distance and not looking directly at something, it helps stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system. T is for touch and S is for sound or sense. All of that is to help shift and increase your parasympathetic nervous system versus your sympathetic drive and allow you to soften that emotion. So, that is a very high-level helicopter view of all of this. But hopefully, some of those points will stick. I call it the Velcro effect, right? You just need that one thing to hang your hat on. And hopefully, some of that is one of those things that you'll remember.

Well, it is a huge value. For the people who are tuning in and this is resonating with, How can people get a hold of you?

Yeah, for sure. I'm really active on LinkedIn. So, please follow me at Dr. Shahana Alabi on LinkedIn. There's my website. There's talking about the acknowledge, the first A. There's a full optimal health pyramid quiz. And that basically is my mistake. It was the fact that I would exercise my way to fitness. All fine, all good. Don't get me wrong. But I forgot this. I forgot that you need to train your brain to feel better, hence the name of the book. So, the Optimal Health Pyramid Quiz is your scorecard of where you're rating on all of that too. Do you have good connections? Do you have 3 people you can trust? All of these are macronutrients for not a happier life but a more content life.

Love it! Thank you so much for sharing that. And the link to your website is in the show notes. So, feel free to click on the link and explore that website. You mentioned the second A is this idea of awareness. It's one thing to say to people, well, you just have to become more aware of what you're feeling and what you're thinking. But are there tools? Are there steps that people can take to enhance self-awareness not only among themselves but maybe among other people that they know that there's something going on? That there's conflict or that there's things going on with that person?

One of the most powerful questions, and I'm trying to jump just to the golden ticket items like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, really give you the key points here, is the fact that asking yourself or others, those you feel perhaps You know, what would that say about you? That's such an interesting question. I'm not asking a why question, I'm asking a what question. And what questions do allow us some more introspection without judgment. So when something happens, when you've reacted in a certain sense, when you've had a reaction that perhaps is a bit more bigger than you expected, you're asking yourself, well, what would that say about you? What would that say about you that your friend didn't call you back? What would it say about you that you didn't get invited to that party? What would it say about you that she snubbed you at that get-together? What would it say about you? And it's really interesting because when you start to ask that question several times, imagine when you were little, you might have had, even for your kids, those nesting dolls. One doll, another doll, another doll, another doll. We were recently having this in my child's bedroom. And that question, by opening it up and revealing the small nesting doll every single time, By the time you get to the itty-bitty one, it reveals your core fear. Awareness is all about getting to that core fear. What is it? Is it fear of being a failure? Is it fear of being not— not being good enough? Is it fear of rejection? Fear of being alone? My joke is that fear— every day is Halloween for your fears. They just come out in different costumes, but it's the same fear, right? So, if you know the underlying fear, Suddenly, getting snubbed at the birthday party and not getting invited to someone's party all makes sense. Oh, I have a fear of rejection. That's why that got me. So, think of that nesting doll and asking yourself, what would that say about me? What would that say about me?

I like that. It's so interesting as you were saying that. It's like people try to define what normal is. And the more we talk about conditions like this, the more I realize it's absolutely true. Normal is a setting on a dryer.

Yeah, I like that. I like that. Oh my goodness! Okay, I don't think I'm ever gonna forget that one. So true. So, so true. Yes.

Because it seems like everybody that we talk with, and I think this is why I think leaders need to migrate from being managers to being more coaches and mentors. Because I think if managers can take the time with their people to have conversations and to have one-on-ones and to be able to explore how people really are doing, not just the passing, hey Steve, how you doing? And keep on walking. But to actually sit down and say, how are you doing with this? How are you doing with this project? Are you coming up to any bottlenecks? Are there anything that's irritating you as you go through this? And being able to dig into that, I think, is really really an important skill that we need as leaders. We need to adopt and we need to kind of implement this rather than saying, okay, I gotta sit down with my spreadsheets for the next 8 hours. See ya!

See ya! Exactly, exactly. Something that I love that I try to tell the companies that I work with is that, you know, that I hope you know the demographics of your employees. Like, you know where they live. You probably, hopefully, you know about if they're married or if they have kids or like that kind of thing.

Hmm.

But do you know their emotional demographics? Why not start collecting emotional demographics? And by that, I mean going back to that list of fears. There's about 9 to 10 cardinal fears that many of us carry. What are those fears for you, for me, for the next person? Fears and values. Like what if you could just collect those 2 things, make it really simple on every single employee? What are their top 3 fears? What are their top 3 values? And I think that would just even going through that exercise and creating that avenue of conversation and you doing it yourself. Suddenly now, you keep just like when you change your address. Sometimes, your fears and values change. So, having it updated bi-yearly or whatnot is a really important conversation to have. And is the work you're doing aligned with what you care about and value? That's the key part.

Yeah, so good. One of the exercises I started doing with my managers when we had our manager's meeting was I would kick off the first hour of our meeting with a virtues project. We would do virtues exercises and actually pick virtues cards. How does this particular virtue affect you right now? How does it affect— what part of it do you think you need to work on?

Yes.

Or is it a core strength that you have? And then, we'd go around doing acknowledgments. And it was amazing how it changed the whole dynamic of being able— being a team communicating together. in a potential gas line of emotions and expectations. And it just seemed like it calmed everybody down. It got everybody on the same page. It got everybody kind of acknowledging what their strengths were and where they were at.

Yes.

And it was such a— like when I tell people we're going to do this for the first hour of our meeting, they're like, oh, that's so long. But it was such a valuable investment of time in making sure that we had people on the table all grounded, all kind of in the same mindset in order to communicate more effectively.

I love that. I think that's so— and I think the key thing that you mentioned is that everyone's doing it together, right? Suddenly, it goes from like, oh, do we have to do this? To, oh wow, like this is like I'm actually getting somewhere too. But someone has to be the start. Someone actually has to start the boat, start the conversation. No, I love that.

Yeah, you have a concept called the emotional bed. What is the emotional bed and what is its relevance to self-awareness within the professional context?

You might never look at your pillow in bed the same way too. So, this was when— and a lot of these concepts you'll find, these are— you're not going to find this in a textbook. This has obviously come from me speaking with a lot of youth. I've worked as a physician now for 12 years, seeing thousands of patients. What I couldn't wrap my head around is the fact that we call this good or bad. There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion, just I call it comfortable or uncomfortable. But isn't the whole fact that if it's called uncomfortable, like anger and frustration and resentment and envy, that you would want to get out of that spot? And theoretically, we do. We all want to feel better. But I couldn't figure out for me why I just wanted to gravitate towards overwhelm. Overwhelm is my emotional bed. So, think to yourself on Monday morning how you feel when your alarm goes off. Hopefully, you have a nice alarm bell and not something that kind of drives you crazy. But your bed is super warm and it's cozy and you know all the grooves in it. And somehow, you just can't— you're magnetized to it on a Monday morning. That's what we feel like when we have that one or two emotions That when triggers are high, my triggers are the higher my kids' voice, the more that they're fighting with each other, the more out of control I feel at home, I am magnetized to the comfort, the warmth of overwhelm. Overwhelm is my emotional bed. That is what I retreat to every single time, wrap myself up in it, and I find myself there. So, if you know your emotional bed, you know your destination. You know where you're going every time you're triggered. Like I said, we have thousands of different emotions. But many of us have one or two that we're on the highway to. So, that is the figurative and literal version of what do you find comfort in even if it's not a comfortable emotion, right?

And it is all about that you're compensating for something.

Yes, oh yeah.

Like I know that my thing is work. Like the more ingrained I am in doing stuff every day, the happier I am. I'm not a sit back and do nothing kind of guy even though Going for walks, going for hikes, spending time with the dogs and with my wife is really comfortable. I just find that unless I'm nose to the grindstone, I just feel out of place.

Exactly, exactly. So, hyperproductivity is where you get magnetized towards too. And maybe when that's a way of finding control in potentially an uncontrollable world like we all live in too, right? And I think it's really interesting because once you Find that for yourself. Like, what is that thing? What is that emotion and that feeling of that bed and that comfort and emotion bringing you? That is a really interesting one because you'll find that you keep gravitating towards that, and the awareness of it allows you to get out of it. So now, every time I feel the sensation of overwhelm, there's always a story that goes along with it. So there's sensation, there's a story, and the significance is the emotional compass. Like, what do you value? Why are you having this in the first place? And I really value. control and certainty. Surprise, surprise. So, overwhelm is the antithesis of that, right?

So, are there exercises that people can do to shake it out and figure out what it is for them?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what I really— there's wonderful emotional wheels that you can get. It's called the Harvard Emotional Wheel. Even having that and it's looking at, is it actually anger or is it disappointment? Is it frustration or is it regret? I think a lot of the times, Brené Brown did a study where it was just mad, sad, and glad. There was just 3 emotional adjectives that most Americans knew. So, our emotional repertoire and bandwidth is quite poor honestly. And we tend to conflate and amalgamate a lot of the different adjectives as well. So, getting a good understanding and going, okay, what is that for me? And then thinking about what are some of your triggers professionally and at home. I just listed a bunch of mine for you. And where do you find— what is that defense mechanism? What do you find yourself doing or going? For you, it was productivity. For me, it might be suddenly raising my voice or trying to— I can feel it in my body, honestly. I know what overwhelm feels like. And part of that is just write down the 3 S's. Write down like, what is that sensation I feel when things are not going my way that I tend to gravitate towards? And if that doesn't work for you, what am I telling myself in my head? You know, for me, it might be, you know, I'm the mom that I don't have enough support at home. I've got these 3 crazy boys and I'm trying, you know, like we love to— I always say, we don't tell ourselves stories. We sell ourselves. So, what story are you selling yourself every day?

Yeah, yeah. And of course, that's our justification for it as well.

Oh yeah, exactly, exactly.

And it's the blaming game. It's the pointing fingers because it's not my fault. It's somebody else's.

It's someone else's. If only. If only. Yeah, we love that.

That's true. When we come back, I'd like to talk about some cautionaries for people who this is resonating for and they know they have to make a change. But some things they should be on the watch out for. And we'll get to that right after this. Clearly, Dr. Shahana and I are deeply committed to supporting you and your team's growth. If you're organizing a leadership retreat, a conference, or you're just curious about how we can contribute to your team's development, we'd love to hear from you. So, feel free to reach out. You'll find our contact information in the show notes. Dr. Shohana, one of the things that I notice all the time being a leader, having to train new leaders is this idea that people get upset. And more times than not, The reason they got upset was because somewhere along the way, somebody's feelings got hurt. And as adults, we stopped talking about this stuff, right? Like, we talk about it when the kids are young. But then, when we become adults, we lose connection to the fact that, wait a second, he just said something and now my feelings are hurt. And now, I'm gonna react.

Yeah, yeah, completely, completely. I think it's so easy. And then, we do the things that we were just talking about like we ignore it and then, it comes out You know, I call it the emotional baton. So you've been rude to me. You give me the emotional baton here.

Yep.

Now, I go home. I feel crappy because of what you just said. So I pass that to my husband then. He goes to his staff and like on and on. So our whole life is living with an emotional baton. So who is going to be the person that actually puts this down? And part of that is just— it goes back to the invisible chalkboard. It's not an excuse but it might— It gives you compassion.

Yes.

It just allows you to take a step back. We're not saying to excuse bad behavior, but it just allows you that little bit of compassion, that little bit of empathy, that little bit of space to go, could there be an alternate explanation? I love asking myself the question. So you had a reaction, right? Whatever. What would 1 or 2 alternate explanations be of why that person reacted that way? Of why that person cut you off from traffic? Of why your proposal was rejected? Could there be an alternate explanation? And if all else fails, do what we teach our kids. You go up to the person. You go up to the person and I love this, asking open-ended questions.

Hmm.

I notice you might be going through a bit of a difficult time right now, or I notice that you've got a lot on your plate. I could even see that the last time we had that conversation, it might have been a little bit difficult for you. So, you go with the assumption of, how can I help? How can I support you too? And you might A lot of the times, this actually happened just recently on a plane. Somebody was quite edgy and suddenly, she's like, oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm reacting that way. Right? People just want an out and they also want a feeling of, I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry. Can we just move on now? So, starting the conversation, putting down that emotional baton is a great place to start.

So, what should we be on the lookout for if we realize that we need to improve this aspect of our lives. What are some of the cautionaries we should be aware of as we try to make the change?

I think it's thinking that emotional health is black and white. It's that I'm doing it right or I'm doing it wrong. The story is like the Cinderella slipper. It resets at midnight. Every single day, you have an opportunity to better understand, regulate, and really be an be adept at understanding your emotions too. You're never going to get it all right. And that's not the point. Emotional health cannot be something that you pass or fail. It's just the curiosity and the inquisition. That is how you pass. It's not actually being an expert. I don't think any of us can truly be an expert because it's such a dynamic sport.

Yeah, yeah. And failing is okay.

Yeah, do you like my new— yeah, I know. I agree. My new acronym for failing is Finally An Important Life Lesson. Finally An Important Life Lesson. Yeah, that's what I'm going. I'm sticking with that right now.

Excellent! Good! Because I think we have to just give ourselves grace a lot of times. People think that because somebody else has their life all controlled and stuff that we have to be like that. And then, we struggle when we fail. And then of course, that's where the imposter syndrome kicks in. Then, we beat ourselves up even more. Then, we're not feeling worthy. And it just compounds everything that we're up against.

Completely, completely. You know, I look at the youth that I work with and sometimes, I'll ask them, are you rubber or are you glass? And they'll look at me going, what are you talking about? So, when your boyfriend breaks up with you, when you get a bad grade on your test, when you don't make the basketball team, Are you that glass vase that's going to shatter, or are you going to be the ball that bounces back from that, right? And I can tell you honestly, there have been kids from upbringings that I can't even, you know, say out loud that have been so difficult, and they are this rubber ball. Like, you know, and some kids who have had all the privilege in the world, and they're glass. So there is the nature versus nurture component, but I think we have to realize all of us were once a child and a youth. Like, we're all— we take all of those experiences with us too.

Yeah.

So we have to also ask ourselves the question, how do you change the glass into rubber, right? And I think part of that comes from acknowledging how far you've come, that you've done these hard things before.

Yes, and we can continue to do it. It's been brilliant. Dr. Shahana, I've loved this conversation. Do you have any last thoughts about what we've been talking about today?

So, I think even 5 or even 10 years ago, we wouldn't be having conversations about emotions. You know, even in medical school 12 years ago, there was never a conversation about this. I think it's really liberating. I think it's very exciting to be talking about a preventative approach. We call mental health the pandemic that's now, especially post-COVID. And now understanding that if we just, you know, kind of pull back the curtain and saw that we have this whole world to explore and there isn't a right or wrong answer. But we can start to introspect and be curious about ourselves a little bit more. I know personally and professionally, it's been a huge impact and a huge game changer for me.

Lovely! And I see it having matured as well that these were life lessons. And again, the earlier I think in our lives that we can learn these lessons, the more impactful they could be. So, my challenge to the leaders out there is if you're like me, And you have younger leaders coming up in the realm and workers coming into the work. We have the ability to influence the future of these people as they come in with us. And I think that the fact that we're dealing with people, I think that that is something that we owe the world.

Absolutely! Well said.

Could you remind everybody one more time how they could get a hold of you?

Of course, yeah. So, visit me on my website at drshahana.com. I'm on Instagram @thedrshahana as well. Very active on LinkedIn @DrShahanaAlabi.

Brilliant! Thank you so much for doing the show today, Dr. Shahana. This has been absolutely brilliant. It's been a lot of fun chatting with you today.

Thanks so much. Take care, everyone.

Why don't you let me know if this was of value to you? As always, my offer stands. If you would like 30 minutes of my time to Brainstorm your business with you and your team, feel free to book yourself on my online calendar. The link is in the show notes. It's the one that's marked meetwith.marchaine.com. How convenient is that? It would be my absolute honor to be of service to you. And while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and leave a comment or a review about this episode? I'd love to get your feedback. Was this of value to you? And while you're at it, Do make sure that you're subscribed to this podcast. That way, you get notified whenever I bring you fresh new content each and every week. It's been a fantastic experience spending time with you. My name is Marc Haine. I hope you stay safe, stay healthy, and I hope you dare to be the exception. Make sure that you're subscribed.