Why I Don't Go Home for the Holidays

I don't go home for the holidays, and that surprises a lot of people. And I don't do it because I don't like what going back home does for me. And that's not just family. That's friends, environments, places I go to, people I speak with, anything for me. I left home because I wanted to be a different person. I wanted to change my environment and I wanted to start clean and move in the direction of the person that I wanted to be. I think the main reason that I want to make this video is because there's probably a younger version of me out there that is terrified of the idea of not listening to their parents and going home for the holidays. Listen, if you love your family and it's like the highlight of year, then fucking go. If I'm talking to young Mozi, the biggest fear that I had was what people would think about me if I didn't go out with them when I was back home. Because it's like, well, I'm back home for a week. They're like, yo, you're back home, let's whatever. And I would feel obligated because I'm back home and I'm only back home a couple times a year. But the reason that I haven't been in touch with that person when I'm not back home is because they try and meet me in my past and treat me in a way that I used to accept them treating me as I've grown in their word, changed. I no longer accept the type of behavior. And it's not just the things they say, it's how they say it. And a lot of times, like, it's not super direct. A lot of times it's indirect, especially if it's people who like you. This is why it's so tough when you have a cousin or an uncle who says, oh, you know how you are. And they say it like that because they want you to be like, oh, yeah, I know how I am. But the thing is that when you do that, you basically agree, you accept their label of who you are, which is often the person that you used to be that you literally left there to try and change. This was super tough for me because, you know, I have lots of traditions. Hey, come on. Like Aunt whatever is going to make pumpkin pie again. Oh, you know, so. So is bringing her meatloaf or whatever it is. And so you can't miss it. But the thing is, you absolutely fucking can. You can absolutely miss it. I made a video about this four or five years ago. And it was one of my top videos that I made, and I thought it was worth a refresh. And one of the things I said in the video was, I have become increasingly intolerant of people treating me in a way that I don't accept. And I said, you know, maybe in the future, five years from now, I'll look back on this video and think, hey, maybe I was a little too harsh. Maybe it was a little too extreme. And the reality is the exact opposite. I'm even less tolerant now than I was then. So if you're sitting on the couch, right, and someone says, hey, get over here, if they said something like that to me in that tone, I would say, don't talk to me that way. I'm not your dog. What do you need? They're like, just get over here. And I'd be like, no, you're just repeating the same thing. And then it gets this really awkward point. In those awkward moments is when you reframe and you reteach someone to treat you. If you think it's uncomfortable for you, it's even more uncomfortable for them one because they're not used to it. And no one does this. It's also why most people are mediocre and never get out of the doom loops they have from back home. And they fall right back into the old behaviors that they were trying to get away from. When you're teaching that person of how you want to be treated, you're saying, you can do whatever you want. I have no control over how you choose to speak to me, but I do have control over what I will choose to do in response. And so if you would like me to get up and help you with this thing, simply ask me, hey, Alex, are you busy right now? And I might say yes or no. If I'm not, you might say, would you mind helping me with these things? And I might say, of course. Happy to help. But if you say, get over here, I'm never going to respond to that. And you repeating it louder in no way makes. Makes it more likely that I'll respond. A lot of times it's these little things like this. It's these micro exchanges. Because it's rare that someone's like, you are not happy, Alex. They don't really do that. Not often. Sometimes they do. Like, I mean, I'll give you a couple examples. It's like, ah, you have such a short temper. Right? I'll get that one. When I go back home. Anybody who knows me now probably would not describe me that way. And here's a key point, what most people want to say, even if they have the balls to step up. And this is. And kudos for even stepping up. If you say, hey, you know what? Please don't say, really working on it. That's a great half step in the direction, but believe it or not, it actually makes no progress. Here's why. If you say I'm working on it, you're still accepting their frame that you are. That way, if you want to be a different person, then you need to behave a different way. Which means that if you want to step into that identity of the person who doesn't struggle with drinking or doesn't struggle with their temper, then imagine what that person would say in response. So if you don't struggle with drinking and you have no temper and someone says, hey, Alex, you know how you have a temper? I would say, no, I don't. I don't know. Yeah, you do. I mean, you've always had a temper. Like I might have in the past. I don't now. Please don't speak to me that way. It doesn't help me. Unless you prefer that I be angry. Whoa, you're getting angry? No, I'm stating facts. I'm asking you a question. Would you prefer that I be angry? No. Well, then don't tell me that I am. Are you here to help me, or are you here to get me to behave the way you want me to? It's very tough for people to see people change because oftentimes when we change in our world grow, we remind them of the changes they've been incapable of making. We remind them of their own deficiencies, of their own failures, of the comfort zones that they had been unwilling to step out of, that we were willing to take the risk for. To figure out whether your family and the people that you're going home to are conducive to your goals. What behaviors do I need to do to achieve the goals I want, and do these people support those behaviors or do they detract from those behaviors? That's it. If when you get in that environment, you are less likely to do the behaviors that you say you're committing to so that you can be the person you want to be and achieve the things you want to achieve, then that would be a detractor. If they are helping you and they are supporting you and they're clearing the way and they're giving you attention back, then that's an amazing family. And they are supporting you and your goals. And this is the double edged sword this is the paradox is that the loving, caring family that would say, hey, I respect that you're trying to make this change, go do what's right for you so that you can become that person that's probably the family you'd want to go home to. And that's the paradox of this. If the family and the people around you, the people that you went back home in high school and to have your high school parties with or whatever, actually behave that way, they wouldn't be there, they'd be somewhere else. Right? They would have moved on, they would have grown themselves. And so that's the tough part about it. If you are young, Mosey, and you don't have a lot waiting for you back home in terms of what you're looking forward to, I just want to give you one outside person's permission, if you need that, to not go home. You can miss a holiday. And if you need language around that, you just say, I'm not saying this is forever, I'm just saying this is for now. That's it, Easy language. And if they throw a tantrum that is on them, they may miss you. And the thing is that there are elements that you may miss too. The question is just whether it's worth the trade off. Here's an easy way to think about this. When you go home, there are positives. There are some things that are positive. There are also things that are negative. They exist separately. It's the reason that people get into abusive relationships. They have lots of positive and they also have lots of negative. And so when they break up with the, quote, abusive person or the person that they have some chemically crazy dynamic with, they feel like they miss the person. Because reward does not decrease over time, but your reminder of punishment does. So let me give you a tactical example of this. Have you ever finished a night of drinking and the next morning you say, I'm never going to drink again? Probably. But then what do you do the next weekend? You drink. Why? Because punishment is decreases in its effectiveness over time, you quickly forget and then you do it again. Reward is actually different than that. Which is why when you think about a relationship 10 years in the past, you think about all the sweet memories because all of the punishment associated with the relationship disappears. But then you get back in the relationship and you're like, holy cow, I forgot all this crap. And so what happens is we spend a long time away from our families and we remember all the good, we forget all the bad, and then we get back home and we're reminded of all the negative things and why we left to begin with. I try to actively cue myself and remind myself of the many reasons that I chose to leave center. Point of that is because I didn't think it would help me become the person I wanted to become. Especially this is for young Mozi. If you are. If you're in a season right now of trying to become a new man or a new woman and you're trying to flex your muscles of being on time, of being consistent, of maybe not drinking too much, of staying in the rhythm that you're in, right, You've got this little work grind that's going. You've had a good streak. You're like being productive, you're making progress. Don't break it. It's not worth the trade off. How does you drinking aunt so and so's eggnog and having a couple of pictures and having some weird comments from your uncle that you don't talk to that much and get into some political argument that doesn't matter anyways. How does that make you better? The only reason you go back is because you're afraid of what people will say. Imagine, play it out, you've got the whole family there and not you. Version A. They just forget that you're not there and they keep living their lives, in which case, kudos, it's fine. On the other hand, the entirety of the room shit talks you the whole time you're there. Are you really sad? You're missing it? You choosing not to go has no downside in terms of if they have a negative experience or you have negative experiences being there and if they treat you negatively. And so we have all these positive memories because it's impossible to live an entire life without positive memories, right? You just also have negative ones. And the question is, is the upside worth the downside? And so for me, especially as I was coming up through this, I noticed that I would get tons of anxiety going into the holidays. I would dread certain occasions, I would dread certain traditions that would happen. And I hated all of it. And one day I was like, why am I putting up with this shit? Like, there's no rule that says I have to go back. And then I gave myself permission to not go back. You know what happened? I kept living and so did they. The people from high school, they just moved on. They found other people to find drinking buddies with. And if they're like, oh, Hermosi thinks he's better than us. Okay, different for sure. If you want to be Exceptional. And I will say this again, then it means you will be an exception. The majority of people will not behave the way you are. They will say, why are you acting so weird? Why are you behaving this way? This isn't normal. What's going on? They're going to ask you these questions because they want you to get back in line. But back in line leads down the road and you know where that road ends. And you know that's not where you want to be. That's for anybody who doesn't want to go home. Now, if you do have elements of people who you do love there, and you have elements of people you don't like there, then I would say just avoid the people that you don't want to be with. And that means that you can just simply not respond to their text when they ask you to hang up. I know. Crazy. You can also just not put yourself in. Like if someone said, hey, sit next to me, and you're like, ah, I don't want to. Crazy. You just tell them the truth. I don't want to. This is the absolute litmus test for navigating these controversial conversations elegantly is that you simply tell the truth. And it's because there's so many perceived social obligations around holidays, what's expected of you, what you're supposed to do, what you're supposed to pay for, what you're supposed to help set up. What about the tree? What about the presents? What are you going to do? Right? If you still feel obligated, you can send money for presents and say, here's money for everyone. The truth is what you would say to your real friends or to the few people that you care about about the situation. I don't want to go to my aunt's house. It's like so and so drinks too much. And so and so is always inappropriate. And I always get into political arguments. I just don't want to deal with it. You say that to them. You always get in political arguments. You always get too drunk, you're always inappropriate. I just don't want to deal with it. You just say that rather than making up some BS answer because they're going to overcome your BS because it's bs and so they will have the upper hand because they are telling the truth and you are not. You state the facts. I don't want to come. I'm doing really well. Or, hey, I will come on the condition that I'm not going to talk to so and so. And I want to make sure that you, as the host, are okay with that. And I will have a conversation with them up front, letting them know that I'm not interested in talking to them. You say, hey, Uncle John, there's 38 people here at our holiday get together. Talk to any of the other 37 but me. That's it. And if you need to make drama, you're welcome to just don't include me in it, please. Also, one of the things that I think is underrated is leisure time. Just because you are home and you don't have something scheduled doesn't mean everyone has free access to your time. If you want to stay in, watch a movie because you're on holiday break. And it's one of the few times that you just do that, even if it's just you and not even with your family. Then if someone says, hey, let's go out. And you say, no, I'm good. And they say, what? Like, what, are you busy tonight? Or what, do you have plans? Or they start with, hey, do you have plans? And you say, no. And they say you want to go out. You can also, right after they say that, say no. Because rest is productive if it nets you a gain in how much you can do. If you rest well during the holidays and you're more productive after the holidays, that's a good thing. If you feel like you have to recover from your holidays, then you don't even get the main benefit of holidays. If we think about how we curate our environment, the wealthier the people that I meet, the more contained and pristine their environments are. They don't allow people who are detracting from the people they want to be and the behaviors they want to do to in. And so think about Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos or Steve Jobs. Think about the teams of people that they have around them. Do you think you could be an idiot and be in Elon Musk's presence? Do you think you can be a drunkard and be in Bezos presence? Do you think you can be like an idiot and passive aggressive and make snide remarks in Steve Jobs presence? No. Why? Because they're intolerant of that. They have a higher standard. And so if you remember the first girlfriend or first boyfriend you ever had versus what your standards are today, your standards rise as you grow, as you become better, so too do your expectations, or rather should your expectations become of others that you surround yourself with. And so if you're spending all this time working on the person and the character that you're trying to Build, and then you just dilute it with crap around you. It's very tough to get back to that, which is why you feel like you have to take one or two weeks to shed the bad behaviors and the bad habits that you picked right back up when you went back home. And so, for me, it's like, I would rather not have a week or two of bad, bad lack of rest, where everyone feels that they're entitled to my time, entitled to my energy. Going into another week or two afterwards where I have to recover from this vacation. It's like, I just. I ate up three or four weeks of my year. It's 8% of my year, my whole year, because of a social expectation. To me, that's ridiculous. And so I don't subscribe. I opt out. We create our reality. We create the rules of engagement for other people to interact with us. We teach and reinforce others for the way that they treat us. If we don't like the way someone treats us, we don't like the way someone talks to us. It's our responsibility to set it straight. And if they do not adhere to the agreements that you have set, they. Then you don't need to play anymore, and their loss is your company. And then you keep living your life. I think this is Epictetus, but he says, like, how do you get angry at a rock? You can call a rock names, you can shout at it, you can stomp your feet, but the rock just stays a rock. And so if they get all upset, just be the rock. Like, I understand. Got it. Not going to change my behavior, but I understand having these hard conversations gives us the space to be the people that we want to be on the terms that we set for, rather than the ones that are thrust upon us by social expectations and cultural norms that were created for people who are not trying to achieve the goals that we are. I'm only sharing this because some of you who are listening to this are actually going to achieve big shit. And it's going to feel really lonely for a lot of that time. And it's because you're going to feel like the odd man out. And you're going to feel like what you're doing is contrary to what everyone else is doing. The people who are back there are going to, you know, call you names behind your back. They're going to say you think you're better than them. They're going to say that you forgot where you came from and you just develop a thicker skin because you realize that they say those things and yet you still continue. And yet you keep living and you keep getting closer to your goals. And then the thing is, goal after goal starts falling down, and you get more and more evidence that this path is the path you should be on. And you'll feel more and more confident to the point where in the future, you just have no issue with that. You'll have zero tolerance. Someone texts you, you just block them. I don't care. I don't need it. I just don't need it. And so I am significantly less tolerant than I was in my first video four or five years ago. And I was pretty intolerant then. Maybe five years from now, I'll recant all of this stuff, but maybe five years from now I'll say the same thing that I do now, and maybe I'll be even less tolerant. I'm making this for young Mosey. Who needs to hear that? And if you have an amazing family, that's awesome. Go back, enjoy the holidays, keep living, you. But this is just for the people who aren't stoked about going back for the holidays and are not sure what to do.